I don’t know why I haven’t written about this before. I guess things have just been crazy busy this year and until now, it just has not been on my radar.
An Academic Adoption Conference in NY
Anyway back in the end of March I ran across a link to Sixth Biennial Adoption Conference – Open Arms, Open Minds: The Ethics of Adoption in the 21st Century. Being that it was in NY and the call for papers was open until April 15th, I quickly got to thinking!
The 2010 conference theme will highlight emerging changes in the practice of adoption since the start of the new century. The topics presented will include consideration of ethics and also address openness (or the lack thereof) in adoption. We are particularly pleased to include attention to issues of search and reunion, third party reproduction adoption and openness to contact with donors and surrogates, GLBT adoptees and/or parents, contact between foster care providers and adoptive families, and clinical issues with various members of the triad, and open records legislation and adoption reform.
And I like the idea of speaking to the actual people involved in the post graduate sociological field. I mean these are the folks that will actually be going out into the field and talking to young mothers, or maybe providing the counseling to mothers already relinquished and all I could think about is that they are still taught the wrong stuff! What better way to “get” to the professionals then when they are still at the point when they are open to learning!
So, with the ability to quickly reach people online, I threw a quick Facebook message to Suz asking of she would be into pulling something together. She quickly gave me a yes and my brain went into overdrive. I then became to think about what we would actually present and I thought about the GIMH blog carnival What No One Told Me About Adoption and how that one post of mine, The Things I wish I Knew Before Adoption Entered My Life really hit on a lot of things that adoption professionals of those studying adoption should know! So why just Suz and I? Why not get together a real panel of us? Who could get to NY in October I thought and would be willing to do this?
Back to Facebook I went and threw together another message. I think this all happened in a 45 minute span. Within a heart beat everyone responded and we had:
- Suz of Writing my Wrongs
- Lorraine of Birth Mother First Mother Forum
- Nic at or formerlly at Paragraphein
- Jenna from The Chronicles of Munchkinland
- and me of course..
and I realize that holy crude, we had a powerhouse of “birthmother” bloggers on this panel! So, I had to write a 50 word description:
Representing of almost 45 years of infant adoption’s ‘typical birthmothers’, this panel offers unique insights into what was lacking in preparation from the relinquishment experience. Some of the strongest voices in the adoption blogosphere, in various states of the post relinquishment journey, have the wisdom to take a raw and honest look upon the most traumatic events of their lives, tell what they wish they knew before adoption entered their lives, and explain what needs to change.
Then I had to drum up our…
“Birthmother” Panel Presentation
A woman facing an unplanned pregnancy is often emotionally venerable and ill prepared for the decisions she has to make. An isolating situation, she turns to the adoption professionals and trusts them to understand and provide guidance for her and her child’s lifelong welfare.
The relinquishment experience is not a onetime event, however, and mothers find that the long term effects of adoption are more far reaching then they were ever prepared for. Perhaps the only way to truly understand the relinquishment experience is to live it, and what they learned came too late.
Looking honestly into the different paths that lead them to today, the panel will openly discuss the ways in which they felt let down by the preparation. Representing almost 45 years of infant adoption practices, these “not” mothers will speak of what they wish they knew in hopes to aid in understanding the truthful ramifications of infant relinquishment on mothers.
Inspired by the blog meme” What I Wish I Knew Before Adoption Entered My Life”, common threads existing shall be identified and presented for discussion. As establish adoption writers and speakers, the panel will offer unique insights the full affects of adoption on their lives. Representing many stages of the US adoption industry, from the closed era of 1966 to the best of open adoptions of today, all of the participants has extensive connections with many other mothers in the adoption community and can accurately help self identify the birthmother population.
For adoption to be seen as a truly informed choice, then a mother considering an adoption plan for her unborn child must be aware of what is realistically in store for her. Otherwise, no matter how refined, it is still only social manipulation. It is vital for the graduate and professional training programs to understand how to attend the real needs of women facing unplanned pregnancies.
Who better to explain that, than the women who live it?
Within 48 hours form the idea to the plan, I had it all together. We went from the BSE times to open adoption. We had “choice” moms and forced moms. Closed adoptions and open adoptions! We had it covered! I gathered everyone’s “bio” info and off it went and then waited. Whirlwind, for sure!
BirthMother Panel Accepted!
So, now that the Invite to the conference is making its way around Facebook and the “offical website” is kind of hurting ( I don’t know why. I offered to help. The program is not listed and I have no idea if we are speaking on Friday or Saturday!), I realized that no one might have an idea of what we are pulling off at this shindig!
Plus, We Need YOUR Help
Let me know please what, out of the 29 items listed that SUCK about being a mother who relinquished resonates most with you. Tell me why, if you could. Tell me stories of what they “told” you and what it was REALLY like! Tell us what you WISH you had been told. Tell us what would have made you able to walk away from adoption!
And please, tell others.. repost, share, tweet, forum post it, link whatever…
Because, it might not seem like much and I know it is often hard to think of it again, and tell those stories again, but maybe this time,maybe just once, we can actually help the next girl down the line. And instead of some professional seeing her as some “vessel” who will be able to “move on” with her life and “create a family” , they might see her as a mother who deserves their respect and help.
And, as always, I am humbled and honored for this chance to speak for us. So tell us what you want said. It’s not just my words.. they are OURS.
Open Arms, Open Minds: The Ethics of Adoption in the 21st Century
October 14-16th 2010 New York, NY
I wish they had told me where to find enrichment programs to help provide the things I dreamed of for my daughter.
I wish they had told me that there is no shame in accepting government assistance.
I wish they had told me that there were a lot of programs in my area that offered support to low income moms.
I wish they had told me how to find those programs.
I wish they had helped me find free or low cost counseling that was not only available if I was willing to give up my child.
I wish they had heard me say I want to give my child more, and said “Let’s figure out a way for you to do that.”
I wish they had asked me what my fears about parenting were and come up with solutions to the problems I was most worried about, rather than nodding and offering no other solution than adoption.
I wish they had asked if I had ever experienced reproductive coercion.
I wish they had asked what issues I was worried about with my childs father and made references to community resources to help with abuse issues that could have helped me create a safe plan that did not involve losing my daughter.
I wish they had told me that they knew a lot of adoptees need counseling.
I wish they had told me that they watch adoptees cry over the grief they feel over adoption and in reunion.
I wish they had told me what percent of adoptive parents get divorced.
I wish that had come up with solutions to the common problem of not wanting to put my child in day care 50 hours a week at 6 weeks old (examples: suggesting part time work options, suggesting options like nannying or day care that would allow bringing the child to work)
I wish they had told me that most people in crisis pregnancies feel overwhelmed and it wasn’t a sign I would be a bad mother.
I wish they had worked to help me gain self esteem about parenting.
I wish they had presenting statistics and figures that demonstrate what sort of parenting styles make successful single parenting.
I wish they had presented keeping my baby as a selfless loving option the way they presented adoption.
I wish they had already worked through solutions to mitigate the known difficulties for children of single parents.
I wish they weren’t practicing from a social policy that advocates adoption over single parenting among professionals.
I wish “the experts” didn’t always say adoption is the “best” and “most loving” choice a woman in an unplanned pregnancy can make.
I wish “the experts” didn’t say that they know adoption is better for children.
I wish they presented the fact that adoptees are over represented in mental health care.
I wish they presented the fact that many adoptees have a difficult time in adolescents.
I wish they didn’t assume that the difficulty of having a single mom is automatically more difficult than the difficulty of losing BOTH your parents.
I wish they had done more research on the experience of newborns and the possibility that the newborn experiences a trauma when losing their mother at birth.
I wish they hadn’t lied and said they KNEW that adoptees don’t experience a trauma when they lose their mothers. They have no proof of that, whatsoever.
I wish they had heard me say “What I really want is to parent” and then asked what my fears were that were standing in my way, and helped me work through them and find positive solutions so that I could achieve my goal of parenting my child.
I wish they had done more research on what life is really like for adoptees.
feel free to use my ethical issues in open adoption:
Part I
http://heatherrainbow.wordpress.com/2010/01/01/open-adoption-the-legal-and-ethical-issues/
Part II
http://heatherrainbow.wordpress.com/2010/06/18/open-adoption-legal-and-ethical-issues-part-ii/
First, what I wish they DIDN’T tell me….
That this was best for my child – it wasn’t
That she’d be raised by both parents – she wasn’t, they divorced when she was 3 years old. Had she stayed with me she would’ve been raised by 2 parents, I’ve been married for 29 years.
That keeping her would’ve been selfish – no it would’ve saved decades of agony.
That giving her up meant I was being a good mother – I am a good mother, ask the other 2 that I raised. I would’ve been a good mother to her too.
I wish they didn’t post signs around me in the hospital that said BFA (baby for adoption) like so many scarlet letters.
What I wish I did know….
I wish I had really known what I was giving up. I lost my daughter 30 years ago, I was railroaded into a closed adoption. I was NOT “allowed” to see or hold my own baby at all! I only heard her cry as they left the room with her. That sound filled my dreams for years. I wish someone had told me what my rights were as a mother.
I wish someone had told me about assistance that was available, I didn’t know to ask, I was too ashamed.
I wish someone had counseled my family and they realized that I wasn’t a disgrace.
I wish someone had told me that the grief would impact every square inch of my life. That you don’t just go on and forget. The grieving never stops!
I wish I had known I was being manipulated.
I am writing to ask for your permission to include your posts on
AdoptionExperiences.com and include a link to your blog in our
directory. We would
include a link back to your blog fully crediting you for your work
along with a profile about you listed on AdoptionExperiences.com .
Please let us
know as soon as possible.
Mike@adoptionexperiences.com
Mike Thomas
Editor-in-Chief
AdoptionExperiences.com
I wish they had told me I would never forget.
I wish they had told me that having subsequent children would emphasize what I had lost.
I wish they had told me that in a year or two after I gave up my son “unwed mothers” would be called “single moms.”
THANK YOU. GOOD LUCK WITH THE PANEL.
This is really educational for someone who wants adoption so that they will know their rights.
This is good stuff Claud. I’m going to marinate on my answers, edit the emotion out and get back with ya this weekend.
You’re Awesome.
xox
Mama K.
Great!I love this website very much.Welcome to my google blog ugg store.I am so happy to make friends with you Ugg Bailey Button
I wish nothing. It’s too hard.
Nothing is going to change the reality that my own baby boy grew into the wonderful man he is now – and I just wasn’t there, and I should have been.
And…I would have been “good enough” as his Mum, as young as I was….the great thing about being young, is that there is only one way forward, and that if we choose, we can get older and wiser.
I would have done that. But no-one told me that.
Love to you Claudia,
Think of you often,
Love Phoebe. XXXXX
Hey, you want to have higher page rank and more visits? Let’s do a link exchange! Enter Here and follow the steps!
Perhaps you’ve already covered these:
I wish I’d known that open adoption was not legally enforceable in any state … and that the agency knew this and lead me to believe it was.
I wish I’d known “amended” didn’t mean the adoptive parents names would be added to my child’s bc, but that it would appear as if I’d never existed and my child, as I’d named her, had never existed.
I wish I knew my crisis pregnancy counselor had a vested interest in my relinquishment and that she was not my confidante.
I wish I knew non-profit agencies profit.
I wish I knew my child would not be “glad” or “grateful” not to be raised by me.
I wish I knew many adopted persons suffer from feeling of abandonment (believe it or not, I didn’t know this because the experts told me the opposite).
I wish I knew homestudies are only as truthful as those who fill them out.
I wish I knew that child abuse in the adoptive home would not be grounds to alter the terms of adoption.
I wish I knew money changed hands in adoption.
I wish I knew the pain my child would suffer.
I wish I knew sibling’s relationship have no protection under open adoption.
I wish I knew I’d been lied to from the moment I sat in my pregnancy counselor’s office.
I wish I knew that some, though few, places approached pregnancy counseling in an ethical way and supported parenting.