Yes, I know I am Beating A Dead Horse, but…

I opened my email box this morning to receive this note from Marcie Cheney, who, until she found it necessary to email me, was completely unknown to me. I still don’t know her, except that I Googled her  name (of course) and for a “marketing professional” she has some serious lack of social media or internet presence. I have no idea what her connection to adoption is, if any? Because she did not find the need to share anything with me, but her generous critique of how I am ineffective, a liability, preaching to the choir and damaging. Oh– and the standard implication that I have yet to learn to deal with my “stages of grief.”  Le Yawn

So yeah, I know this is a waste of time, since she obviously is perfect and has already formed her perfect opinion, but I do find value in addressing this sort of opinion. It’s that old adage that if one person has taken the time out to tell you something, then probably another 30 people are thinking the same thing. So it is worth it (and I admit a tiny bit enjoyable) to take the time away from other really important work to deal with the matter at hand.

Without further ado, on to Marcie’s kind note and for anyone else who shares her thoughts:

Marcie Cheney Says Having Sex is a Bad Choice

( or maybe it’s having sex with Christy Maldonado, in which case, with hindsight, I would agree) 

I am writing privately because I suspect my message wouldn’t remain on your blog long anyway.

That’s actually not at all true, and if you had bothered to read into other posts, then you would see that I frequently not only allow– but encourage– dissenting points of view. It’s actually insulting, lazy and cowardly that you would choose to take that view, but whatever, you get your view published anyway. I am assuming that you read this post about how the Capobianco’s CHOSE  to continue with the forced adoption of Veronica?

In all your long post about choice, I did not see word ONE regarding the choices that Dusten made starting pre-birth when he decided that relinquishing his parental rights was a realistic relationship-repairing strategy (this info you will find on his own blog).  Besides having sex with Christy Maldonado, this strategy was the first bad choice leading to a custody battle of epic proportions.

So, let me get this straight; your first “bad choice” would be the fact that they had sex to begin with? OK, I have a few posts about that ludicrous and insane damning of folks for the natural act of sex between two consenting adult who happened to be in a relationship that was, by both accounts, leading to marriage. Are you married? No, so you are virgin then? (Right?)

But your second “bad choice” would be that Dusten thought that giving full custody of the yet-unborn Veronica to her mother was a good idea?  Wow. It must be really nice to be coming from a position where every relationship choice you made was beyond reproach and worked out perfectly. You should really write a book on that!

So I should have damned him for the bad idea of trying to appease the woman he loved?  Yeah, I just can’t do that. See, I remember doing really stupid ass things in relationships. I recall being really desperate and thinking if I could just make the other person happy, no matter how unhealthy, no matter how wrong it felt, that they would accept me again.  And I also recall seeing and hearing a lot of other regular imperfect people (yourself obviously excluded) doing the same things, so I don’t think I can cast blame on him for this.

Marcie Cheney Accuses Me of Bias! Oh, no!

Do I think that it was all Dusten’s “fault”.  For what its worth, no.  But had Dusten AND Christy not made a series of terrible choices prior to the Capobiancos even entering the picture, none of this would have happened.  So, by all means, list all the choices (and continue to slant and frame them in your biased manner) but know that regardless of the countless choices made by Dusten and Christy that you have deliberately omitted, there are thousands, if not millions, of people in the general public who are well aware of them. Those that might stumble upon your blog would find your comments disingenuous at best, and only if they were feeling charitable.

Again, people make stupid choices all the time. The relationship choices made by Dusten and Christy could have been handled by Dusten and Christy in a normal way if NOT for the influence of adoption and the desires of the Capobiancos.  Say they did continue to be broken up, say she did get custody of Veronica while he was away in Iraq, say she did file for child support, and then he did have visitation when he returned and reunited with his daughter? These things happen every day with thousands of US service men in failed relationships, who still care for and love their children. If all these “people” that you speak of cannot see that, then I hardly care about their opinions and will not be changing mine to fit their needs. They were not omitted. They were of little consequence, but thanks for secondguessing me.

Where Marcie Cheney Assumes a Lot, Incorrectly

You preach to the choir… unfortunately that won’t work to effect much change.  To effect real change you must capture the heart and intellect of those not already in your choir and who do not already walk in lock-step with you and your ideals.

Again, here you are wrong. I actually go out of my way to NOT preach to the choir and I have the skills to make sure that my blog is found by the very people who are not aware. Surely as a marketing “professional” yourself has heard of SEO? Google “Veronica Rose Brown” and tell me about the choir? Or even better yet, wait a few days and Google your own name. I could school you a thing or two about controlling your internet reputation, but I see unsolicited advice directed at complete strangers as being kind of rude.

Your shameless biases do such damage to your credibility that it is unlikely you will ever be effective (a problem so glaring that you must have been repeatedly instructed on it by organizations/professionals who sympathize with, or otherwise already support your cause, yet can only be disheartened and frustrated at the damage you do to your, and their, mission).

Is this an intervention? Of what insider information on adoption organizations are you aware? Have they spoken to you about my bad behavior?  Didn’t think so! My credibility is just fine, thank you.  And no, no one has ever spoken to me from any professional organization accusing me of such “damage” that you imagine. Rather, they ask me for help or work with me as we have the same goals. I assure you that I am well-respected in my field.

And thank goodness for that damage.  Adoption is wonderful for so many families.  I well understand the need for transparency, strict legislation, and integrity in the industry, but you would, so to speak, throw out the baby with the bathwater and that is unconscionable.

Again, you show your ignorance. What is unconscionable is continuing to parrot the “adoption is wonderful line” when the damage done to countless human beings is allowed to continue, but I am guess that conversation with you would be like beating a dead horse.* I won’t even begin to guess as to how you formed your illustrious opinion, because it would be just that, guessing and insulting.

Marcie Cheney’s Final & Oh-so-canned Recommendations

You would do better to spend time learning to process through the stages of grief resulting from your own experience and loss.  Only then might you gain insight enough to learn to effectively communicate and the heart to see that there is more than one side to such an issue fraught with emotion.  Maybe then you could truly effect change.

I shall choose to spend my time as I wish. And again: your ignorance is showing. The stages of grief for a birthmother is not something that has been established well enough even by the very professionals that created the very institutions that caused that grief. Rather, the understanding of such processes unique to mothers of loss is coming from the community, and quite specifically this and other birthmother blogs like mine. For my goals, and by the response of the adoption community, I effectively communicate the things that need to be said and in a manner that resonates quite strongly with my population. See, human beings are not technology.

See, Marcie Cheney, I write for other birthmothers, not the Vice Presidents of Marketing at some corporate technology institution. I don’t write for “the other side” nor do I care to. There are other people that do that, and they are welcome to it. My position, my stance, my place (should I abdicate it) would be a void felt throughout the adoption community. It is more than a place I choose to be in, it is a place I must be in.

Good luck to you.

Oh please, do not insult me now by pretending that you actually care about my well-being after dishing out an email full of insults, ignorance and unsolicited advice. See, what you also failed in your email is to establish why I would even care about your said opinion? I don’t know you. You have not given me any reason to understand how you are connected with adoption.  You have not listed any credentials that would give me pause to consider why these feelings of yours should even be considered of any importance by me.

And really, when it comes down to it, they do not.  So some unknown person disagrees with me? I am sure you are not the first and I am sure you will not be the last. With almost  100,000 unique visitors to Musings of the Lame in 2013 alone, that’s bound to happen. I am well aware of the consequence of that choice.

Now you have yourself a swell day! (Bless your heart!)

* no horses were harmed or beaten in the writing of this post

Part 2:

I Wasn’t Supposed to Post About this Email says Marcie

But how can I not? I know you all foaming at the mouth; just waiting for me to give the sign so we can all descend on the “poor other Marcie” and hit her up with hate mail or something.. I don’t know. I guess that’s what “our kind” does or something? Anyway, she wrote back and it’s just too funny not to share. So Enjoy! 

Thank you for replying to my message.  I confess that I had hoped that you would do so but did not anticipate that you would take the amount of time necessary for such a lengthy reply nor did I envision that you would publicly post my private message and devote an entire blog page to your response. For the record, and recognizing the futility, you do not have permission to post any comment or message of mine, public or private, to your blog or anywhere else.  I realize the strong likelihood that you will do so again but, let us be clear, it is without my permission.

You give yourself too much credit. For me, this is hardly a lengthy reply. I write out a ridiculous number of words every day.

However, your first mistake, besides assuming that you actually knew what you were talking about and thinking I would actually care about your unsolicited opinion, was not bothering to look into how I do respond to hate mail and that I do historically devote blog posts to address stupidity when I so choose. I also have this thing called a comment policy which you can easily find by.. what’s that thing you do with your eyes? Oh yeah..LOOKING! Furthermore, you choose to send me an email; therefore your communication has been given freely to me, is in my mailbox and is then mine to do what I wish. Dare I say it, you have relinquished your communication to me. Gosh, isn’t it brutal when you must pay for a silly mistake? I bet Dusten Brown would understand that feeling.

On top of that, you did indeed indicated that you desired to have this public and would have commented, but you feared it not being published: “I suspect my message wouldn’t remain on your blog long anyway.” Again, if you had not underestimated me on all counts, then you would have known that I delight in proving people wrong.   Oh, and then you claimed this:

And “ever” respond? Really? Like I sit home all day, my whole life really, waiting for you to email me??

I will not rebut your response either on your blog or in this message as you did a fine job reinforcing your own, and my, position with your reply.  From my own perspective nothing further is necessary.

Yeah, I’ll take that as you accept your ass handed to you on silver platter. I mean really.. what did you expect from coming at me like that? That I would bow down and declare you my personal advisor? What was your intention? THAT is what you should be wondering. If you wanted to have a constructive dialogue then it was hardly the way to communicate it. You should really rethink that whole “gain insight enough to learn to effectively communicate,” advice and look in the mirror. I surely did not expect by your  frosty”tone” that ANYTHING I could say or explain in any way would change your opinion about me, my blog or anything, so I choose to have fun instead.

This is Not the Marcie Cheney I am Pretending to be

Having said that, I do find it necessary to notify you that the Marcie Cheney you discovered in your google search is not me.  I have no idea if you incur any legal liability in attributing my comments to the wrong person, or if you take personal responsibility when making such an error, but wanted to give you the opportunity to rectify your mistake.  Because I did not publicly post anything on your blog, the mistake is not mine to point out there.  I leave that to you.  As such, so that there is no possibility of misunderstanding, I offer you the same information that I have posted on a facebook page where your blog was linked which is as follows:

“The “Marcie Cheney” that keeps popping up when folks google my name (the marketing or PR person) is not me. I would like to categorically deny any connection to that person whatsoever. I do not know her, had never heard of her before this googling began, and am not her. I am stating this as I have concern that that poor soul will be inundated with hate mail if any of her contact information is public and people contact her in the belief that they are contacting me. I also would like it to be stated, for the record, that the only thing that she and I have in common is a name. So, again, for the record, I am NOT that Marcie Cheney. Thanks.”

Forgive, me but I find this terrible amusing. See, you do not find any ounce of compassion for the Brown family torn apart, but delight in blaming them. You find no understanding towards myself, also a stranger with a different opinion, yet, you DO tend to go on and on worrying about this poor other ‘Marcie Cheney’. I can’t help but to wonder: why?

Not just the two longer paragraphs here in this email, but how many posts on the BVN page??  And surly you cannot be so ignorant as to really think that “This googling of names is a gross violation of privacy and, potentially, safety.”   Hello! It’s 2013 and COMMON practice!  And just a bit of kind advice, since we are just dishing it out willy nilly now; once you put something up online.. you do not control it anymore. It’s in a public forum and can be taken and used pretty much by anyone for whatever.

But thanks for the info. If I must add to my “cease and desist” pile, then I shall. I’m getting rather good at it and pulling three links is no big deal at all.

OKGuys; Look do NOT Bother the Other Marcie! K?

So now it’s my turn and return the favor to second guess and assume;  I think you ARE her. And I think you know that in your capacity of “professional Marcie Cheney” you cannot have these opinions that you feel so compelled to share publicly. So you conveniently created a second account so the “Marcie Cheney who supports family separation and child trafficking and law breaking” can claim to not be the “professional marketer” Marcie Cheney. I wouldn’t be surprised if as your role as a communications VP you were part of crating the social media policy for your company that said this is the way around saying ignorant things in public. ( notice I do not name the company. See, I really AM a nice person)

Being that the Facebook profile that you do claim as yourself  was begun on  January 5, 2012 and conveniently has no information and no image other than you liking a Veronica Rose Brown page, renders it slightly suspect.  By not bothering to even attempted to flesh out that profile a bit more, it looks completely like a profile manufactured for trolling. The image part REALLY is a dead giveaway.

Of course, if you were REALLY that concerned about the “poor professional Marcie Cheney” then all you have to do is post a few images of yourself on the “real you page”. And not a flower and not a stock photo, but I would say at this time, you need a few different pictures of yourself to save the poor soul Marcie the wrath of all us rabid maniacs. ( hmm.. but who sought out whom with nasty emails??)

Now if I was really a nasty mean person and haven’t already wasted enough time on you and your silly antics, then I could very well send this exchange, and screen shots of your activities as “no image Marcie Cheney” to  the other “professional Marcie Cheney” employers and just claim that I wasn’t really sure if they were the one and same person, but perhaps they should look into it because it looks fishy. Lucky for you and a your split personality, I am not a hypocrite and dislike “telling” which is more than we can say for some of your “friends.”

I am going to post this anyway, because, unlike you, I do not hide behind pretending that I am not what I am or I do not say what I say. And since you did post on Facebook that you had already changed your Gmail to another one that didn’t have your name in it, I am really worried that you didn’t get my reply that I emailed to your this morning. Oh and it’s fun, too.

Good luck to you.

Man, you just don’t learn do you? Yup.. dead horse, dead horse.