I don’t know why, but the responses to my last post about my dreading with November was overwhelming to me. It wasn’t that people responded with kindness; I actually expect the innate goodness and compassion of most. It wasn’t that my feelings obviously resonate to what other moms feel during the birthday months of our relinquished children either. It was more like I was so struck at how very similar the feelings were between us all and that got me thinking.

I get so very frustrated at feeling like a birthmother.

I try really hard not to. I try to put mind over matter. I try to avoid thinking about adoption so I don’t dwell on it. I am not wallowing in the negativity or bad feelings, but still; it happened. As I said I felt the big cranky coming on.. first like PMS, and then it got even worse. I think I am over the big hump, thanks to Rye who went out on Friday night ( labor) and got me a incredulous amount of Ferro Roches Chocolate and then, stayed home with me on Saturday night because I did not want to be alone and then held me as I cried for really no reason on Sunday morning.
Honestly: I was tense, upset, felt emotionally inside out and on a certain level not within the current time and place; like leave my brain alone for one moment and I travelled back in time 22 years to what I was doing during the birth, relinquishment and adoption of my newborn son. No matter who much, however, I tried, the big cranky was going to happen; like the adoption I had little choice.

Too Many Birthmothers Suffer this Birthday Depression

If that happens, in some form or another to MANY mothers who relinquish, then it stands to reason that this “birthday depression” is truly caused through the act or relinquishment and separation form our babies. While I know that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is also a all too common side effect of relinquishment; I don’t know if THIS falls under that category because, well, not enough studies have been done on birthmothers though what has been done has some pretty frightening conclusions:

“…Examined the experiences and needs of birth mothers who relinquished a child for adoption. Historically, birth mothers have been neglected; their experience is considered to have ended at the time of placement. This research however, indicates the long-term implications of relinquishment are severe—particularly in relation to mental health. They demand that the complexity and uniqueness of relinquishment as a form of loss be more fully understood, birth mothers’ reactions to those experiences are not pathologized and professionals learn to respond more positively. GP’s in particular need to develop a more sensitive understanding of their needs and in so doing could prevent the medicalization of some birth mothers..”

Anyway, while I knew all this, it got me thinking.

No one really warns us of what we shall be facing after we relinquish. The agencies do not because they do not Have to and if they told us the truth, pre-placement- well we know that the numbers of mothers who surrendered to adoption would decrease substantially as it has in Australia.

Due to the lack of adoption facts, there is lack of informed consent with relinquishment.

Historically, adoption has been able to slip around the true disclosure because it has been considered an sociological ‘choice’ not a medical procedure. The medical aspect is being pregnant and giving birth, but the relinquishment has been treated like an afterthought and also kind of falling under the mind over matter heading.

Not to bring up the hated comparison, but let us look at Abortion.

Abortion is a medical act and while the Pro-Lifers have done a wonderful job of lobbing for special regulations regarding abortion. As the state’s interest in promoting women’s autonomy and psychological well-being. It is claimed that Women facing abortion choices need special safeguards to protect them from misunderstanding the nature and consequences of their decision and from the regret that might come from having an abortion without understanding important facts about the intervention.

While many, including many feminist groups have disputed whether or not a woman’s special-protection rationale in the name of abortion imputes to women a psychological vulnerability and lacks evidentiary support, based on the parallel aspects in adoption and relinquishment; I’ll welcome that clause in there and keep it in mind. After all; if we cannot seem to be able to make a true decisions about abortion unless we invasion our baby’s sonograms, then maybe e cannot make a true decision on adoption and relinquishment unless we invasion the act of parenting?
Even without the special provisions, abortion still falls under the state by state blanket laws regarding informed consent:

Informed Consent Law

“In many situations where medical care or treatment is provided to an individual, medical professionals are required to obtain the patient’s “informed consent.” Although the specific definition of informed consent may vary from state to state, it means essentially that a physician (or other medical provider) must tell a patient all of the potential benefits, risks, and alternatives involved in any surgical procedure, medical procedure, or other course of treatment, and must obtain the patient’s written consent to proceed. If this duty is breached and injuries result, the patient may have a legal claim for damages.

The concept of informed consent is based on the principle that
a patient has the right to prevent unauthorized contact with his or her person and, thus, a physician has a duty to disclose information to the patient so that he or she can make a reasoned decision regarding treatment, based on an understanding of the treatment to be provided” . (Informed Consent Law)

So we wind up having elective plastic surgeries like a breast implant with more informed consent protection and regulation than the relinquishment of a baby. We end up with a whole Division of Drug Marketing, Advertising and Communications at the FDA to ensure that companies that sell prescription drugs also provide information that is truthful, balanced, and accurately described including all the risks and possible side effects of taking the medications advertised. I mean, even the Viagra ads warn men of that four hour long erection! We end up with abortion providers that must, in order to receive federal funding, make women go through hoops and sign disclosures to terminate a pregnancy, but nothing along those lines when a woman wants to terminate her motherhood and relinquish an infant to adoption.

Because Adoption and Relinquishment are NOT medical

• There are no laws governing what an adoption agency can say and cannot say.
• There are no consequences if they outright lie on their websites about open adoption, affects on adopted children or the long term risks of relinquishment.
• There are no government sponsored watch dog groups or official forms to sign.
• There isn’t even a real good guidebook for birthmothers so we know that to look for and expect the rest of our happy birthmother lives.

Nada, nothing, Zip.. we are on our own with only the professionals at the agencies to guide us and as we all well know, once you sign the papers and the power transfer is complete, they don’t really care much for us anymore. We become the blind leading the blind, thinking we alone are “wrong” somehow in this journey until we miraculously find others who can validate our experiences as normal.

That’s what overwhelmed me about my post last week. That for us, the birthday blues ARE normal. And again, it got me thinking, If it is so widespread and so normal; and as much as I tried to fight it off, much like a common cold that I don’t want to get; I have no choice and it happens to us all anyway.

Does relinquishing a child to adoption have the ability to physically change us in some way?

Can it be that in all actuality, the long term affects are more than just emotional, more than mental, more than needing counseling, but a real physiologically induced change from the mother s we would have been if we had not relinquished and had parented our lost children?
I mean; every year as this happens to me and I fight I am overcome with the feeling that no matter what my mind says; my BODY knows. I have said it before; it is on a cellular level. It’s not just mental, my body physically is tired. I ached. I am tense. I usually end up getting my period and bleeding. Even this year, while completely mid cycle and well away from any time of real bleeding; I spotted. I also had cramps. Did my mind do that?

So I got to thinking.. if somehow.. and this would be the clincher.. we could get the act of relinquishment to be considered a medical procedure with medical risks; then we are putting adoption in a whole new context.

Then, adoption would require real informed consent as a medical act.

Then adoption agencies would have to have their advertisements regulated. Then they would have to have real disclosure of facts and risks. Then, we can piggy back a whole bunch of adoption legislation based on the work down by the Pro-lifers before us.. because while I do not agree with their stances; I can see that what they have been doing sometimes works.

And then today, the last piece fell into place: The hated insurance companies.

Since we are a gross capitalistic society; the ultimate power to create change does fall into the control of the mighty dollar. I can beat my head against the injustice of this until the cows come home; but what if we worked with it rather than against it.

I thought of a bit of miscellaneous fact that I have keep harboring in my head for some time. It was because of insurance companies that nationwide Police departments and first responders became to take domestic situations seriously and actually began to respond to them and help woman.

• Not because public opinion changed regarding wife beating.
• Not because the public became all informed and concerned.
• Not because the public defenders got tough with spousal abuse.
• Not because local police departments had more woman on the force.
• Not because of domestic abuse lobby groups.
• Not because of made for TV movies and “The Burning Bed”.

Nope. The laws changed and spousal abuse became a serious crime because of one case and insurance premiums. I’m doing more research on it right now, including finding sources, but the whole nations 91 systems was improved due to this issue. I am remembering that it was a wrongful death claim filed against a police department and unless the department improved its response time to 911 domestic violence calls, they would have a huge insurance premium. Once one court found for the plaintiff and sided against the police department; then that opened the door to allow all the nations police departments be vulnerable and all of their insurance premiums would go up unless they all improved their response time to those 911 calls.

So the whole NATION changed it views on domestic violence because to increased insurance premiums.
The whole NATION adopted 911 and started to bring it to rural areas.
The whole NATION took domestic abuse seriously because they had to or they would have to pay more money.

Imagine what the loving Adoption Option would look like if:

What if we were able to document that relinquishment to adoption is a medically altering decision.

What if then, the informed choice became mandatory

What if then, advertising oversight went into effect.

What if then, we, someone, I sued their agency for not effectively informing us of the risks and giving adequate informed choice.

What of that made all the nice little non for profit adoption agencies have increased insurance premiums unless they openly disclosed the lifelong effects of adoption on relinquishing mothers.

And then, what if they had to change their tunes, less they can’t pay their bills and mothers actually were warned!

Then, on my stars, mothers might actually have the truth and know what they were getting themselves into for the rest of their lives when they make those adoption plans! And maybe, they might choose to parent their babies!

Yeah, so it’s a lot of what if’s.. but Is it impossible?

Or is it possible?

I think I shall begin hunting for more medical research. I think we need to find somebody, place, university, funding to be studied. I think that I would gladly get strapped up to a million machines and electrodes and get cats sans if they can somehow prove that we are physically altered. I mean; people who are abused have brain changes. Drugs create brain changes. Violence creates brain changes.

Why should a traumatic emotional separation from our children NOT create a brain change?

I say, I am physically different than I would be if I had not relinquished. My other children’s birthdays do not affect me in this way at all. Adoption medically altered me. And I think it’s time that somehow, we stop fighting the system and start finding ways that it CAN work for us.
And that can keep other mothers form living this fate.

At least that’s what I am thinking. That’s what all your responses did to my brain.. I have another insanely huge idea on how to somehow fix adoption.