A “New ” Birthmother’s Story – Guest Post by “K”
I think it’s really important to tell your stories. Each and every one of us. There is not one that is more valid than the next. Together, they paint the truth in broad stokes that no one can deny. We want to pretend that adoption is different now. The PR campaigns of the adoption industry try to draw lines in the sand that separate the old shameful ways of adoption, the same ways that drew a National Apology for Forced Adoption in Australia. We call it “modern adoption practices” we call it “open adoption”, but it still feels the same. The foundation is still the same; separating mothers and daughters.
I met this birthmother through Facebook. ~C
Unplanned Doesn’t Mean Unwanted
I find out I am pregnant on November 15th, 2011.
I am twenty-two, in my last semester of college, broke, and pregnant from a one-night stand with an acquaintance. My parents want me to have an abortion and decide I am no longer welcome to come home after I graduate in December. The father of my baby wants me to have an abortion, and tells me he will “have no part in this” if I don’t have one. Still, I am excited to be pregnant. I feel like it was what I needed in a way. I feel like I have a sense of purpose. I have someone to take care of besides myself. I am going to be a mother. I walk around campus smiling, because I am so looking forward to this next step in my life. I know it’s going to be hard, but I am determined to be an amazing single mother. I will have my Bachelor’s degree. I can find a job, find a place to stay, and I will make it work.A True Surrender
After a few months though, my family has broken me down. They make me feel like they will never want to know either of us if I keep my daughter. My grandma and uncle send letter after letter to me about how my baby is the product of my past mistakes. I need to turn to God. I need to be saved. I am a sinner; a bad person. My father tells me I will be on welfare for the rest of my life, and asks me, “Don’t you think your daughter deserves better?” Once again, I am made out to be the black sheep of the family.
I’m not excited anymore, or proud, or happy. My confidence has been shattered, and all I can see is the picture my family has painted for me. Living alone with my daughter, being shunned by relatives, being shunned by strangers even some have convinced me, since I will be a white mother raising a half-African baby. I will be on welfare, and needing government assistance, and that means I should be ashamed. I am not good enough for my daughter, and although I want to keep her and prove my family wrong, I don’t have the energy to fight them anymore.
The Adoption Plan
I pick an adoption agency, and shortly after pick out a family on their website. These strangers will be my daughter’s parents in a few months. They appear nice enough. They seem well-rounded, happy, and very well off. They have acres of land, and horses, and are active in their community. They want to take their future child to the beach and to Disneyland and teach them how to ride horses and how to swim. So, the agency calls and tells them that someone has “chosen” them. They couldn’t be more thrilled.
A few months later, I give birth to a tiny baby girl. Her head fits perfectly in the palm of my hand, and she has huge black eyes that make me fall instantly in love with her. I spend the nights in the hospital trying to memorize her. The way her hair lays, her fingers, her toes, the shape of her feet, and every crease in her skin. I know this is the only chance I will ever have to do this. And even trying to memorize her is useless, as in a few months time she’ll look completely different anyway.
My roommate, a photographer, takes pictures of us, and records videos of everything. My daughter sneezing, my daughter gripping my hand with her fingers, me changing her diaper, and my daughter looking at me for the first time. She looks at me when I least expect it. I have been fussing over her all day and night. But suddenly, she is more alert, and she opens up her big, beautiful eyes and looks at me. Something so simple, but in that moment I think to myself, “It doesn’t get any better than this.” I feel like I truly know what it means to love someone in that moment. I don’t want to let her go.
My last day in the hospital my mother asks me if I’m having second thoughts. I’m cradling my daughter, who is swaddled in her hospital blanket. I am trying not to cry. I am imagining how empty my arms will feel, how empty my entire being will feel once I hand her over to the adoptive parents. I tell my mother that I am having second thoughts. She says “Well I guess that’s normal”, and that is that. Nothing more is said. I feel like no one who I need to support me would if I kept her. I know that I have to give her away even though everything in me is screaming against it, and it is the most awful feeling in the world.
The last time I saw my daughter was on June 8th, 2012. She turned six months old yesterday. She is giggling, and learning how to roll over on her stomach, and eating solid foods, and she is happy. At three days old, she was able to pull her pacifier in and out of her mouth on her own, something a baby isn’t supposed to be able to do until they are between three and five months old. At seven weeks, she was trying to talk, and was able to stand straight with support. I am so proud of her.
She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Pitch black eyes a person could get lost in, long lashes, little pink lips, tiny nose, and long limbs. But then again, I think maybe that’s all I can be proud of. I can take credit for her beauty, for things that are genetic. But the rest of it? No. The adoptive parents are the ones raising her. They’re the ones who get to be proud of how she’s developing and learning. They’re the ones helping her learn, after all.
Post Adoption Relinquishment Realities
And where am I, six months after giving birth? I am angry. I am sad. I am having nightmares about my daughter, or about the adoptive mother becoming pregnant. I am putting up with the emotional rollercoaster the agency has set me on. I am finding out the lies they told me, and the lies the adoptive parents are telling the agency about me. I am trying my hardest to be nice to the adoptive parents, although they’ve said things to me that would make any mother who has relinquished their child cringe.
The agency is telling me that I am asking too much from the adoptive parents, and that I need to get into therapy and move on with my life. They have no idea what being a birthmother is about. They cannot imagine what it feels like to give your child away because others have convinced you that you were not good enough for your own child, only to come to your senses after it’s too late and say to yourself, “I would have been good enough.”
I am learning how to cope, but I am not learning how to “get over it”. It will never be something I get over, which a lot of people I don’t think quite understand. I lost my baby. The one person I love more than anything on this earth I may never see again. And if I do, she might resent me. Either that, or she’ll thank me, and I’ll have to pretend to be happy that she was happy without me.
Relinquishing a child permeates every aspect of a person’s life. Future relationships are altered, future plans, certain aspects of your personality may change, your spirituality or religious beliefs, your relationship with those family members who so desperately wanted you to not be a mother. Everything is completely different, and it’s a very permanent thing. I will always miss my daughter, and I think I will always wish I could go back and do things differently, whether it be picking a more honest family, choosing someone from my own family to adopt my daughter, choosing a different agency to go through, or not choosing adoption at all.
But, I can’t take it back. All I can do is keep moving forward. Do the things I thought I would have the freedom to do after relinquishment. Go back to school. Travel the world. Do the things I wouldn’t have been able to do as a poor, single mother. Then again, at this point, there’s absolutely nothing I’d rather be than just that.
The adoption has been my biggest regret, and as you try and do with all mistakes, I’m trying to learn from it. I think if nothing else, I’ve learned that I need to think for myself. Had I done that, I wouldn’t be sitting here brokenhearted wishing I could do something as simple as rub my daughter’s back until she falls asleep in her crib. I wouldn’t be wishing I could pick her up and kiss her cheek. I wouldn’t be wishing I could change her diaper, even. Because, I wouldbe able to do all those things. I would be able to watch her grow up. I would be proud of myself for getting so far on my own. And I would be the one my daughter would come to, smile at, and call her mother.
Interested in a Guest Post at Musings of the Lame?
I’m sorry for your pain. I wish that those of us who are older and have lived with this for so many years could have been more vocal in the past. We too felt unworthy and full of self-doubt. I am sorry for that. I wish you well.
Thank you. =]
To be fair, I did skim through some bmom blogs while pregnant, but all the crap the agency told me made adoption out to be so wonderful and all the blogs were so NOT that…I just figured, “Oh well, they just had a bad experience! Mine will be great!” Very naive of me, I suppose. I blindly trusted the agency, which was my own mistake.
“hey have no idea what being a birthmother is about.”
Yes, they do, because they have over 60 years of research on the impact of surrender on natural mothers. They know exactly what the emotional cost is, and they withheld it from you.
“Existing evidence suggests that the experience of relinquishment renders a woman at high risk of psychological (and possibly physical) disability. Moreover very recent research indicates that actual disability or vulnerability may not diminish even decades after the event.’ – J.T. Condon, 1984
“A grief reaction unique to the relinquishing mother was identified. Although this reaction consists of features characteristic of the normal grief reaction, these features persist and often lead to chronic, unresolved grief. CONCLUSIONS: The relinquishing mother is at risk for long-term physical, psychologic, and social repercussions. Although interventions have been proposed, little is known about their effectiveness in preventing or alleviating these repercussions.” Journal of Obstetric, Gynecological and Neonatal Nursing, 1999 Jul-Aug. pp.395-400.
And this page of links to articles: http://www.originscanada.org/trauma_to_surrendering_mothers/
And especially take a look a Judy Kelly’s thesis here: http://www.birthmothers.info/
You were coerced to surrender by the use of emotional coercion and fraud (fraud being that the agency withheld the information from you — did the tell you about the 50% chance that the grief will never diminish but will only increase or stay the same? The risk of PTSD? Of relationship difficulties, future difficulties parenting, secondary infertility? You are not to blame — how many thousands did the agency make from “brokering” your daughter to paying customers? That’s where the incentive is for them to lie to you. To put the 5-figure price-tag into contest, an adult adoption costs around $200-$500.
I guess I should have said they don’t know first-hand the grief birthmothers experience, not having lived through it themselves. You are right though, I was coerced. Of course they didn’t tell me any of those things you mentioned. I only learned about them a few months after. I went with them because they’re one of the biggest agencies and I thought they’d “know what they were doing”. Well, they did…but in the way that they knew exactly what to say and do to make sure I went through with the adoption. Ugh.
You need studies and agencies to tell you that you might be sad after giving up your baby? Like, what the hell were you expecting?
Ah, most recent Anon. I shall call you Snark. You fail to realize that the adoption agencies act trusting and like they know all. It doesn’t help that they tell you how wonderful you will feel knowing that your child has a wonderful life. They talk about happiness, peace and contentment. No one can expect the hell that becomes our reality. Put our snark away and try reading a bit more.
Can social workers be held liable for malpractice?
some can. government paid to lie ones not easily but some advertize that they have insurance. please waste my day lol watching every lie those assholes said to sell doesn’t matter if you aren’t offering a judge free services or extra money kinda doesn’t matter.
I cannot understand how any grandparents-to-be can be so cavalier about giving up their own grandchild. Your baby is an extension or your lineage and that of her natural father. However,I do not think you should beat yourself up about your decision. I don’t see how it would be possible in the U.S. to keep your baby without support from your family or the baby’s father. We have no universal health care and offer only the most minimal of social benefits. I am sure that the adoption industry works very hard to keep things that way so that more young women such as yourself will be forced to give their babies up. I am so sorry for what you are going through (((hugs))).
Thank you, Robin! And yes, I’m still having a very hard time forgiving my parents…everyone keeps saying it was “my” decision, which it was, but they’re the ones who made me feel like it was the decision I had to make.
no there are tons of programs for women to keep. taking a baby from their mother is wrong my parents are happy to murder me for another’s happiness i am bitter.
Don’t you have NINE MONTHS to get her back??? Find out and get her back! Stop feeling bad for yourself and for everyone else. What kind of grandmother encourages her daughter to GIVE AWAY HER OWN grandchild???? You owe your parents NOTHING. Your mother will be long gone, and you will still be alone, mourning your loss. Your daughter will spend her entire life mourning your absence. TRUST ME and get your daughter back if it’s not too late. I searched for my biological mom for my ENTIRE adult life. All the books were closed to me. I found her, miraculously, through the internet. Don’t lose the chance to get her back if you can. Be brave NOW, or spend the rest of your life wishing you had. Good luck…
NOBODY has NINE months to revoke.. ever. If you are lucky enough to be in an state where you have two weeks, then you are not in an “adoption friendly state”
And her agency was extremely “smart” .. irrevocable consent post birth following a PRE-BIRTH consent. I read the laws with my own eyes. She never had a chance.
Soooo sorry…. Poor girl. I’d never do that to my child. What crappy parents.
I had 5 days to change my mind. I was made to sign the papers before I gave birth. I talked to multiple people about the prospect of getting her back after the APs turned on me after placement, but I cannot do so. If I could, believe me, I would have her back right now. As for “feeling sorry” for myself, I’m sorry if that’s what you think, but it’s called grieving…
The only way I MIGHT have a chance at getting her back is if the birthfather was not formally notified of the adoption and wanted to parent, which is not the case, unfortunately. Courts will rarely if ever give an adopted child back to their original mother. I know I’m only 6 months into the whole thing, but believe me, I have educated myself. 😉
Wow, they made you sign the papers? Like they pointed a gun to your head and made you sign papers? That would be so evil if it weren’t completely untrue.
Hey Snark.. you don’t have to have a gun to your head to feel pressured to do something and to the action being coercive. You do not have the right to dismiss any one else’s reality.
Thank you, Claudia!! People who have not been in my shoes have no place to judge!
And Anonymous, I’m not quite sure how you can tell me to get my daughter back, but then be rude about when I was made to sign the papers. Lol. Makes no sense to me, but whatever, I guess. Obviously the agency holding a gun to my head would have been very illegal, but yes, I was very coerced and pressured into signing papers pre-birth. That is all I will say to you on the matter. It seems clear you are not interested in my story, except to pass judgment.
I’m so sorry that you are living this life now. While I’m sorry that you are “one of us” now, I’m glad that you have found the online support for mothers of adoption loss. The friends I have met online have been life saving for me. As much as some want to help & understand, it’s just not possible unless you are living it also.
Good luck with your future ~ may you find every success you deserve. Not because adoption is a part of your life now, but DESPITE it being a part of your life.
Thank you. =]
Beautifly written. Took the words right out of my mouth!
Arizona used to have a year – but after a few weeks it was almost impossible to “prove” that there was a reason that you felt you had to and within weeks of that – the state would make it impossible….
That’s so crazy! I’ve never heard of such a thing.
I am so sorry for what your going through. Your story broke my heart.
I am one of those parents who didn’t support her daughter when she got pregnant. I was more supportive than your family but not as much as I should have been. In the final moments before my daughter signed her rights away, I failed to stand up to people I knew were wrong. I have to live with that for the rest of my life. I can’t imagine that your parents don’t see your pain now and feel bad for not being there for you. I hope one day they find the strength to tell you that they were wrong and they are sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss to adoption.
Thank you, Kellie. You may be right-I’m currently living with them, so I can’t imagine they don’t see my pain. Although when I was trying to get her back a few months ago, my mom was indifferent about it, and said that she still thought the adoption was the ‘right’ thing. HOW it can be the right thing when it’s caused me so much pain, I don’t know. I mean, it’s not just about me, it’s about my daughter too, but knowing what some adoptees go through, it might not end up being a great thing for her either. My dad also still pats himself on the back for telling me I couldn’t come home when I was pregnant, but I hope you are right and that they do come to their sense someday and realize how wrong they were.
So you think your daughter should be raised in poverty because then you would feel better? You’re right, you TOTALLY would be a GREAT mother.
Snark, you really are an ass. Here’s the thing about this whole “raised in poverty”,its not a freaking death sentence. Guess what people do? Intelligent hard working people with goals and plans work hard and get out of the jam they are in. Yes, that TOTALLY makes a GREAT mother who shows her child that working hard is what we do in life.
Anon-have you ever been in my shoes? Honestly, I am curious to know what has you so incredibly angry and upset. Have you ever been coerced by an adoption agency into giving your baby away? And actually, I am still a mother, but you are right. I WOULD have been a great parent. Thank you for your vote of confidence. =D
No single mother has ever gone back to school. No single mother has ever bettered her life. No single mother has ever sacrificed everything to make sure her child has what they need and no single mother has ever bounced back from the dread welfare to become a productive member of society. We all live in abject poverty smoking and drinking while trying to catch a man with money so we can escape this poverty stricken lifestyle we are saddled with.
Get a grip Anon. Two years ago I was hawking heirloom jewellery and living off the system to pay my bills after I was laid off and today I have a stunning job that fills my souls with warm fuzzies and pays the bills with more than enough left for extras. I lived where you claim we all reside permanently and I got the eff out. Who are you to imply that nobody else can, will or has done the very same. I am not an anomaly I am the norm.
Pretty much ^that. It’s people like you Anon who made me believe I wasn’t good enough for my own child. I doubt you are a mother yourself, as no mother I have EVER met would have the balls to tell someone they didn’t deserve their own child. While it’s well and good to have opinions, please find a more constructive and less hurtful way to express them, because you really are not doing anyone any good by attacking a complete stranger.
The middle class only came into existence following WWII, which means prior to that time most families were poor. Guess all of those folks should have given away their kids.
What happens if the adoptive parents lose their jobs and go broke? Should they be implored to give the kid to another couple so she can have a “better life.” Oh that’s right, adopters are perfect and never have any health, financial or marital problems.
I can relate to every word you wrote, dear and precious and beautiful one. I wish I could steal the time back for you and quiet the noise of the naysayers who said you couldn’t and shouldn’t and give you enough time and space to make the choice that you wanted with all of your being to make. But since I cannot do that, I will do what I can do and that is tell you that I love you, I honor you, and I love your courage to share the truth. You speak the truth, and you speak it beautifully.
I don’t (think I) know who you are, but thank you very much! =]
I bet you’re a huge Oprah fan.
And you are, indeed, a real turd oh Snark.
What the hell does Oprah have to do with anything?
I am an adoptive mom and I cannot believe how horribly you have been treated. Your family did you a huge disservice by not supporting you in your decision to parent, but what I cannot comprehend is adoptive parents who switch on a dime once TPR is signed.
I love my sons birth family. They are welcome In my home anytime. And we take him down to visit them as well. His birth mom is the only other person on earth who feels the same love for him.
Loving our son means loving his roots. I would never deny him the opportunity to know where he came from. Was it easy seeing his moms grief? Or taking him home knowing how much she hurt? Heck no. We had our first visit shortly after he was placed with us and yes it was hard and yes I was scared of ‘what if she took him’. (being honest, plz don’t attack!) But she is the first to say she made the choice for him. So how can I deny them the relationship they so obviosly have
Some day you will see him again and he will know your feelings.
you sound like such a loving parent for your son. you’re doing a wonderful thing for him by having a relationship with his birth parents. i hope there are others like you.
I agree with everything you said. My daughter will know she is adopted, and the APs have told the agency they will tell her about me, but I don’t think pictures, letters, etc. especially visits will be back on the table in the way they were supposed to be. I think for the APs in my situation, they claimed to my adoption counselor that they couldn’t stand to see me hurt and upset because it made them feel guilty…which, I get, but also don’t they realize closing the adoption is just going to hurt me more? Anyway, I’m sure I will see my daughter again, even if it’s not for another few decades, and that is what keeps me going.
@Anon,
Yes, you will most likely see your daughter again. But you will never be able to have the same relationship you would have had if she had been kept. I think the “see ya later” message is a ruse that adoption agencies use to encourage a surrender. Some adoptees decide as adults that they do not want a relationship with their first mother or family. I am sorry to have to tell you that but it is the truth. And it is better than other expectant moms considering adoption are aware of this.
Anonymous 4:47 PM–
I was in your shoes as well…holding on to the fact that I would see my daughter again. That doesn’t always happen, even though it’s certainly sold to us when we are pregnant. My daughter’s AP said the same thing about never forgetting about me and telling my daughter about me, and who knows? Maybe they did. But my daughter is 20 and knows I’m open to contact (I assume), and I’ve heard nothing. I was lucky enough to get pictures of her (from childhood to recent), so I’m thankful, but it certainly wasn’t “Wait til she’s 18 and you’ll see her again.”
I’m not trying to be a “Debbie Downer”, but I wish somebody told me the truth like Robin has to you. I wouldn’t have spent 20 years pinning all my hopes on waiting for something that was never going to happen, at least not the way I was told it would. If I had been made aware of this possibility, it would have been so different.
Good luck to you, and thank you for your story.
Hugs to you, and thank
“We call it “modern adoption practices” we call it “open adoption”, but it still feels the same. The foundation is still the same; separating mothers and daughters.”
Not to put too fine a point on it, but shouldn’t that read “mothers and children”?
Well normally yes, but in this case the post is about a mother and daughter, so I kept it personal.
To Anonymous who keeps posting snarky things…I’m REALLY not sure where your anger is coming from, as MY story really has nothing to do with YOU. I don’t need your approval to know I would have been a great mother to my daughter, (in fact I already AM a great mother-yes, even those who give away their children are in fact mothers) and I certainly don’t need you to validate my distress over the situation. So keep hiding behind your keyboard saying whatever you’d like, but you’re really just wasting your time. The purpose of this was to share my story because EVERYONE’S story deserves to be heard. Yes, even mine, which you clearly don’t agree with. But please, troll away and be disrepectful. By all means.
Don’t care.
Lmao. Clearly you do or else you wouldn’t have gotten your panties in a twist over my original post. Anyway, at this point I just feel sorry for you, and really do not care what you have to say either. You will not get very far in life at all if you cannot handle other people’s truths, or at least be respectful of them. Good luck to you.
Good one.
The troll is probably the typical narcissistic adopter. Ignore.
K, thanks for sharing your story, it is important to collect mother’s narratives if we are ever to disempower the cult of adoption in the U.S.
Oooh, even better. It’s both wrong and ironic at the same time.
Thank you Anon. (The polite one).
This is a wonderful post, and a heartbreaking story. <3
I am so sorry to read of your story and honestly don’t know how you can continue a relationship with your parents. Your story made me very sad. I am an adoptive mother to a little girl from Russia. Although we were told not to, we searched for her family and found them. Her mother was also “forced” to relinquish her daughter by others in her life in a country that gives little support to poor pregnant women. My biggest regret is adopting internationally and feeding the system. As you said, learn from your mistakes. I can’t go back and change my actions, but I can learn from them and try to educate others. You are doing a great job of that. Hugs to you and thank you for sharing your story.
I am deeply moved by your story. I too am a birth mother and had a bi-racial child and your story rings loud and clear with similarities to my own story. Thank you for bearing your soul and sharing your events, emotions and love for your child. Much love and blessing to you.
You prob won’t see this, given it’s been a couple years…but on the chance you *might*, I hope you are still coping, and I send you my deepest condolences and love. I am so angry at the people who did you wrong, and I cannot quite grasp the nerve and horribleness of adoptive parents cutting off the person who made their very situation even possible.