musings of the lame an adoption blogAll Things Adoption; Relinquishment, Search, Reunions, Books, News and Information

Lots of people know adoption stories, but they don’t know how to search for an adopted child or birth birthmother, or the rules of a good reunion, or what to watch out for when making and adoption plan. I have tried to provide as much information as possible broken down into categories so you can hopefully find the information you need, when you need it.

If you don’t see what you are looking for, let me know. There is a good chance I have an adoption post  buried someplace in the  Musings of the Lame archives as I have been writing this adoption blog since 2005 and they are NOT all categorized yet. It’s been a very long process! And then, if you need something that is not here, there is a good chance that someone else also could benefit from that adoption information, so please do tell me what can help improve the adoption information here!

Basic Adoption Information Categories

Information about Adoption Relinquishment

Place your baby for adoptionIf you are facing an unplanned pregnancy and are considering becoming a birthmother and making an adoption plan there are some things you should know about first- as in BEFORE you contact an adoption agency!

How to Give Your Baby Up for Adoption

Giving my son away to adoption in 1987I sure wouldn’t advise anyone following this plan of action, but this is the whole story, from beginning to end, of how I became a birthmother. Let it serve as words of warning.

Adoption Searches

searching for adopted child find my birth motherSearching for  your Birthmother? Do you want to find your adopted child? What you need to know if adopted and searching for a birthparent, birth mother, siblings lost to adoption.

An Adoption Reunion Roadmap

Adoption family reunionsTips and considerations to help you prepare for the emotions of an adoption reunion. There is no such thing as too much planning for an adoption reunion.  The time to start preparing for an adoption reunion is actually way before you start your actual adoption search.

Adoption Books

adoption stories and booksWhile everyone seems to love an adoption story; whether it be adoption horror stories or adoption reunion stories, adoption success stories  or adoption stories gone wrong. Opinions, personal reviews and discussion on each adoption book is encouraged in the comments of each books post.

Adoption News

adoption in the mediaAdoption in the media, news coverage on adoption, and the adoption stories that make the headlines. Only adoption can produce such a range of human interest from the heartwarming reunion stories to the horrors of an adoption gone wrong.

Costs of Adoption 

How much does it cost to adopt a childGoogle says 3600 people a month want to know “how much does adoption cost?” The monetary cost to adopt a child is easy; let’s look at the emotional costs of adoption to all affected.

Websites for Adoption Information

online information about adoptionOnline information about adoption all in one place. There are many sources for adoption information online. You will find research and support groups and history and facts. More support, national organizations, worthy places to donate money to, place to volunteer time and effort, people to contact.

Adoption Language and Use of the Word “Birthmother”

adoption language and the word birth motherMy choice to use the word “Birthmother” is based off a need to get this information out to as many people as I can and to do that, I use Search Engine Optimization. Language is important. SEO is a tool. I am geek. I talk about it a lot. Find out more here.

If you are looking to learn more about life as birthmother specifically, please find a whole category and sub-category broken up regarding birthmother issues.  Likewise, adoptee rights, the adoption community and truth about adoption; facts, research, the industry an culture of adoption can be found in main menu headings. Just read it all.

And then, some posts will just be about adoption overall or generically about adoption.

Yes,  VSA Partners  Kleenex ® And Adoption Go Together!

A Case of Kleenex Tissues

So I kind of LOVE this idea that PSA Agency has, but wow I would so love to see it expanded on. It could be literally amazing. Of course, here I go dreaming again, but imagine if Kleenex did something like focusing on adoptees searching and were able to tied that in with little PSA’s about the fight for Adoptee Rights in this country? Especially now that there has been successful legislation passed on quite a few states and we have all the pending legislation in a good handful of states in 2015. I could see a final product that might resemble these trailers for Jean Strauss adoption films. read more…

Boundaries: Our Adoption Agency Warns About Extortion

By Lori Holden Question: My son came to me 9 months ago from a Caribbean island. He’s now 3 ½ years old and adjusting quite well. When I went to get him, I met his birth family — his birth mom, half-sister, and paternal aunt. They love my son and wish him the best and I really liked them … Continue reading Boundaries: Our Adoption Agency Warns About Extortion →
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Are Parents Disposable and Interchangeable?

By Mirah Riben Recently CBS News reported on what they called “The New Fatherhood,” which featured two men: physician Conrad Cean and photographer Alan Cresto, each of whom decided to be a parent, without a partner. Each purchased eggs and hired a surrogate to carry a child for them, intentionally creating motherless children.
Clinical psychologist Barbara Greenberg appeared on the segment applauding their family-building, joining the CBS News anchors in admiring the men’s choice to be fathers. There was no recognition in the entire news report of the controversy surrounding surrogacy, which is illegal in most of the world and which has a movement in the ban it. Nor any mention that anonymous gamete donation is banned in 11 countries or that there are efforts to offer alternatives here.
The promos for the CBS News report described the segment as: single men “having” babies “all alone” because “their biological clocks were ticking, too.” Men and women can raise children alone, but they cannot “have” them “all alone” and suggesting that they can totally negates and dehumanizes half of their children’s read more…

Tasty Tidbits: Farmers on Farming

By Lori Holden I had the pleasure of dining last week with a half-dozen women who farm Colorado land. Over a delicious meal to which they certainly contributed, I got to find Common Ground with these farmers. Less than 2% of our population provides food for 100% of our population. — Ann Cross, CommonGroundCO Ann is part of … Continue reading Tasty Tidbits: Farmers on Farming →
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Does Open Adoption Work?

By Lori Holden My last post touched on the debate spurred by publicity for Amy Seek’s new memoir, God and Jetfire: Confessions of a Birth Mother. I started with a courtroom scene but decided to go this route instead. (You don’t have to have read that book to get this post.) Rorschach Test I see the debate about … Continue reading Does Open Adoption Work? →
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Amy Seek’s God and Jetfire: Open Adoption on Trial

By Lori Holden Note: Though tempting, please do not comment on the headline only without reading the full post. Recent publicity for Amy Seek’s new memoir, God and Jetfire: Confessions of a Birth Mother seems to have put open adoption on trial. Amy Seek, a landscape architect and writer living in London, gives readers an account of her … Continue reading Amy Seek’s God and Jetfire: Open Adoption on Trial →
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Six Years Ago Today… Happy Birthday Sweet Girl

By Susie Six years ago today, I had been in reunion with Christopher for 7 months and 3 days. Six years ago today, I realized just how much I really lost when I lost him to adoption.Six years ago today, Christopher and his wife welcomed their beautiful baby girl into the world.Six years ago today, the reality hit me that I not only lost my son to adoption, I also lost my grandchildren…Happy 6th Birthday sweet Brooklyn ~ Grandma Susie loves you more than you will ever know. I hope that one year I will be able to celebrate your birthday with you in person. I hope you enjoy your present as much as I enjoyed being able to send it you!

Read at the Source: : Finding Christopher, Finding Myself


Bloom Where You’re Planted

By Lori Holden This is a cucumber plant in our yard. I did not put it there. I planted cucumbers about 75 feet away in a carefully tended garden. But this rogue cuke somehow grounded itself in the rocks, near the children’s swing set and assorted pairs of stomping feet. Stubborn thing. ~~~~~ In that carefully tended garden, … Continue reading Bloom Where You’re Planted →
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Dying To Breastfeed

By AstridBeeMom We all know there is a huge debate in the adoption community about the ethics surrounding breastfeeding in adoptive mothers. Some have even gone so far as to call this practice child abuse. The reasons stated for this will not be the same reasons that I give, however, I understand the sentiment. I have more concrete reasons for considering this child abuse. There are a wide array of reasons that people argue for and against breastfeeding in adoptive mothers. My argument will be more specific and will follow simple medical logic. Regardless of your feelings on adoption, I would hope that with facts in hand you will all see how truly horrid breastfeeding is when it comes to adoptive mothers.
First let’s take a look at how breast milk is produced in a pregnant/post-natal mother. We all know that our bodies are designed to nurture our children. The natural process includes many things and the production of breast milk needed to sustain a newborn is definitely one of the major ones.
An article on Baby Center gives a general read more…

In The Funk. Again.

By Susie I’ve been in an adoption funk again for the last couple of weeks. I know it’s partially because a planned visit to see Christopher in July didn’t happen due to my getting another kidney stone a couple of days before I was supposed to go. Now we are finding it difficult to find time when we are both free at the same time. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen him, two years since I’ve seen his children. I miss them dearly.The funk felt bigger than that though. On facebook the other night, someone had posted a link to a site that calculates your probable conception date according to the date of birth. Since I was bored, I clicked on the link and was going to punch in my kids’ birthdays, starting with the first one ~ Christopher’s birthday. Then I see. Huh… Does the body, the heart and soul remember? It’s probably exactly 37 years ago, give or take a day or five, that I became pregnant with my firstborn son lost to adoption.The Birthday was: Tuesday, May 8, 1979Conception Date:Tuesday, August 15, 1978Implantation Dates: Between Monday, August 21, 1978 and Sunday, August 27, read more…

When There’s No Birth Parent Information to Share

By Lori Holden Question: For adoptive families who do not have contact with birth families due to a variety of situations — perhaps their child was adopted internationally or through a relinquished/closed domestic infant adoption, and they did not receive much if any info about the child’s birth family — what would you recommend for how to raise … Continue reading When There’s No Birth Parent Information to Share →
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Hate In My Heart

By Cassi I have come to know so many First Moms in my years fighting for Adoption Reform, Adoptee Rights, and even Father’s rights. Some I consider my greatest friends. Wonderful allies in this knock-down, painful world of adoption and the fight to change it. Then there are those who I often disagree with. Believe are playing right into the coercion and manipulation the adoption industry seeks. Pushing and encouraging more vulnerable, pregnant mothers into giving up their babies to make themselves feel better for their own experiences.And though it’s no secret that I am often frustrated and angry with these First Moms, I also have an understanding, in my heart and mind, of what they have gone through. I know the counseling they’ve had. The messages they’ve received from society. I can understand, on a level, why they do what they do. Why it’s so important to them to push adoption as some wonderful thing that creates only read more…

Donald Trump and the Polarization of America

By Mirah Riben Donald Trump came out of the gate attacking immigrants and (with the help of Fox’s Megyn Kelly) has kept the discussions centered on his complaint du jour: McCain, women, “political correctness.”
Donald Trump didn’t create divisiveness. It was always there.
I grew up in 1950s Brooklyn. Ethnic slurs were part of everyday life. Edith and Archie Bunker were depictions of people not unlike my parents. Ya’ had yer ‘Guineas,’ yer ‘Chinks,’ yer ‘Hebes,’ ‘Spics,’ ‘Ruskies,’ and ‘faggots.’ I don’t recall hearing the “N word” (common in other parts of the country) but I did hear the Italian (moulinyan) and German/Jewish (schwartze) words for “black” used derogatorily. That’s simply the way it was. We were all immigrants and all fighting for our piece of the pie. Dog eat dog. Those who grew up in the South were accustomed to other disparaging labels such as ‘crackers,’ ‘damn Yankees,’ and a smorgasbord of insulting terms for Blacks.
Cultural mores and language evolve and change over time. In the 60s, some of us became sensitive to marginalized populations, especially if we lived in or attended schools read more…


By Susie I ordered the new adoption memoir “A Life Let Go: A Memoir and Five Birth Mother Stories of Closed Adoption”.As I was reading the reviews for the book on Amazon, I found my breath taken away by one of them. One sentence in particular:”…true story of a pregnant teen hiding in the house, frozen and blind to all possibility beyond invisibility, as a baby grew in the dark and a mother weds herself to shame” “a mother weds herself to shame”Yes.That so perfectly describes happened The shame of the evidence of my lost virginity at only 15 years old. Not shame of the baby growing in the dark, it was shame of my sexuality.The shame of my 15 year old self with visible proof that I really wasn’t a “good girl”. Shame that society handed to me and that I so willingly put on myselfShame that only reinforced the belief I already had that I wasn’t good enough. That I wasn’t worthy of the love that I craved. Therefore, my child deserved so much more than I had to give him.He deserved more than me.*sigh*I wish I could go back and talk to that 15 year read more…

Losing a Child to Adoption Leaves a Hole in the Heart

By Mirah Riben Lorraine Dusky is an accomplished journalist and author. She has made a career of writing, a career which led her to meeting the father of her daughter. It is also a career which contributed to her feeling the need to hide the shame of her “out of wedlock” 1960s pregnancy and then to hide the evidence born of that illicit affair by placing her daughter for adoption.
In Hole in My Heart: Memoir and Report from the Fault Lines of Adoption, Lorraine shares her journey of loss with brave and brutal honesty.
The backdrop for Lorraine’s story is the 1960s, a time when neither cancer nor infertility nor sex were spoken about aloud, a time of morality incomprehensible to today’s youth. Unmarried girls and women who “got themselves in trouble” (became pregnant) were shunned by their families and sworn to lifetimes of secrecy lest no man would ever want to marry them. It was the single worst sin a girl could commit.
Lorraine first went “public” in a courtroom in 1973. In 1975, after gaining the loving support of her read more…