Adoption Kool Aid & Birthmother Denial

Birthmother adoption kooloaidComing Out of the Adoption Fog

Denial is a rather impossible to arrest. You don’t know you are even experiencing  a state of denial until you are out of it. Denial denies itself.

Often I feel that adoption denial is too strong a word.

Many people enter into adoption believing in some form of its innate goodness. There is often a real shock and a true disbelief that what they wanted to believe about adoption is different than the truth. That’s not denial, but just being unaware.  The question is whether or now, we are able to see past what we want to believe and see the reality presented by the facts. This takes time as we need to process those changes in thought. Some resistance, the continued disbelief, is normal.

“How often it is that the angry man rages denial of what his inner self is telling him.”

   Frank Herbert 

Coming out of the Adoption Fog is a kinder, more realistic descriptive of the process.

It denotes the ability to see the truth through the lies that the adoption industry would like us to believe. It demonstrates the ability to see clearly, connecting all the dots in the adoption tapestry, finding the patterns. It provides a landscape where we can see past our own stories and view the larger picture without having the need to continuously apply our own perspective.

Don’t Drink the Adoption Kool Aid!

I have no business telling you to stop drinking the adoption kool aid.

I, too, used to think that adoption was the greatest win-win solution to an planned pregnancy. I thought I was smarter, more selfless, and stronger because I gave my newborn son away to others.  I was proud of my heroic act for the first dozen years after relinquishing my baby to adoption.

I understand why so many birthmothers do not want to see, cannot bring themselves to see what adoption really means. It’s not just yummy tasting kool aid, it’s survival.  So survive. I mean that. It’s Ok if you don’t want to believe me now. Maybe you never will, but maybe one day you find yourself having your own WTF moment, lying on the kitchen floor in a heap, wondering why this adoption stuff keeps on bringing your down. On that day, remember me and come on back. I’ll be waiting for you.



Birthmother Wars; When the Positive Fight the Negative

subconscious external justification amoung birthmothers in adoption

“This Support Group is SO Negative!”

Lately, it seems that someone who feels “Ok’ about their choice, will express displeasure at what they see as lack of support. Which pretty much ends up being another long drawn out discussion where the Polly Positives complain about the Negative Nancys and the Negative Nancys defend their right to be negative. Rinse, wash, repeat. read more…

Birthmother Gaslighting Manipulation by the Adoption Industry

Birthmother Gaslighting Manipulation by the Adoption Industry

I know many birthmothers who have “chosen” to relinquish a child to adoption have great difficulty explaining the very subtle coercion and thought process that goes into it. It’s not so obvious to be called brainwashing. It is often not forceful enough to be openly accepted as coercion. We don’t even know or want to call ourselves “victims”. Is it the sophisticated manipulation tactic known as “Gaslighting”? read more…

Don’t Poke the Rainbow Farting Unicorns on Twitter

Rainbow Fart flavored adoption Kool-Aid

Now, we must remember she is a former ABORTIONIST PROFESSIONAL, so she’s must KNOW better than I about things like MY LIFE. Especially as there must be GOD on her side!
Please tell me what to do. After all, I have had many years of training being a “good birthmother” Yes, yes, perhaps I just need an adoption Kool-Aid booster shot? Give it to me, Abby! I’m just JONESING hardcore for that Adoption Kool-Aid! Yum..Pro-Life flavor!! My fav-o-rite! read more…

Sorry, I’m Not Going to Be Convinced & I’m Not Changing My Mind

Tell me to Stop speaking Adoption Truths? HA!

I really have to almost get a chuckle out of it when people try to tell me to shut up. Really? You are going to tell ME to STOP? And you think I will listen to YOU? How’s that working out for you? Yes, it IS FUNNY! You did not bother to find out who you are talking to. I take my rabble rousing VERY seriously. Why are you spending all your energy trying to convince me that you got it so good and adoption is so positive and “not like my experience”. Did I mention that I just do not care? read more…

Go Be Happy About Adoption, But Don’t Call Me a Bitter Birthmother

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“Encouraging Discontent”? Look lady, I’m not the one going over to other people’s blogs and telling them what they should do and how they should feel like royalty and scream about “Birthmama” pride from the rooftops. That whole blog bombing with your “outrage” is not the sign of someone who is content and secure in their decision. See, this wasn’t a blog post about YOU and what YOU wish YOU knew about adoption relinquishment. It was a post about ME so I talked about what I wished and MY experiences. I never said they had to fit YOU. If it doesn’t fit you, it still fits ME and wait, what’s that, a whole lot of other people who bothered to agree in comments, but you didn’t bother reading any of them, did you? You have no right to go dismissing other people’s feelings if you want your own pint of view to be heard. read more…

Secondary Adoptee Rejection in Adoption Reunions

Secondary adoption reunion rejection hurts

No one is trying to find their birthmothers to throw stones or cast blame, yet on that emotional level we have to acknowledge that the adoptee can feel rejected by the act of adoption placement whether voluntary or forced. It doesn’t matter how they can now, as adult, intellectualize the circumstances of their relinquishment, the child inside still knows the pain and that child wants it’s mother. There is an innocence there in this need to reconnect. It is pure feeling. read more…

Why Adoption Kool-Aid Tastes so Good!

adoption-kool-aid

A Look at Birthmothers, Decision Making, and Denial

It was close to 10 years ago, if not more the first time I was called out on being a birthmother in denial. Max was only 13 and years away from being found and I was new to the adoption community online. I was still saying things like “Adoption was the hardest decision, but the best choice for my baby I could have made. I do not regret it” and expecting to get pats on the back for my selflessness and courage.

Instead I was publically edited, felt mad as a hornet and couldn’t sleep that night. I was told I was unaware of what adoption really was like and that I was in birthmother denial.

How DARE they, I thought, they don’t KNOW me!

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A Parcel of the Past: Remembering Relinquishment

old-letters

A few weeks ago, my dear friend Lena hit me up on Facebook with a question:

“I was going through some stuff and found some old letters you wrote while you were in Boston. Would you like to have them?”

Of course, the answer was yes, because as much as I lived through being 19,
pregnant, away from home, alone and about to have my first child and relinquish him
for adoption; I still have very foggy memories of that time and wonder now, with hindsight, WTF was I thinking!!

The parcel came today and mixed in with some pictures of Garin as a baby that Lena
must have taken on long ago visits, there was a bland letter from when I was
first married to the ex ( I didn’t even read that one), a Sonny and Cher post
card from 1990, a weird print out of a shark from the precursor of fax
machines.. I think they were called teletype?? I forget.. I was just talking
about the same machine the other day!)..and read more…

Back From Touring Egypt

adoption  the nile

Hey all..if there is anyone even checking in anymore to read this…

I think that I am ready to return, not that I actually ever really left. I mean, that’s the one thing that we should know now about this thing that is named ADOPTION…no matter how hard one might try, you can’t really get away.

I tried. I honestly really tried. But it’s like a cancer; you get this malignant growth into your system and you can try the drugs, you can try to cut it out, you can ignore all your symptoms, you can try to drown out the pain, but inside, no matter what you do.. you have still been affected by this malignancy. It is still there eating away. Lurking every day deep within.

So what happened? Quite a few things in this last 6 months:

For one, I have never “not” been online. You just couldn’t tell “who” I was.

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“Anger is more useful than despair.”

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Quite a few years ago, I gave up on NOT sleeping with the TV on all night.

I use to make a huge point of taking the “I-have-no-function-but-for-the-sleep-timer” controller, and using the sleep timer, since Rye HAD to have the TV on to sleep, but I hated to wake up at 3 am to an infomercial. Eventually, I lost both the battle, the clicker and lost the light sleeping that woke me up. Or perhaps I stopped caring?

I will admit that I have been fascinated by the Steambuggy at 4am. And I rented the carpet doctor based on the information drilled in my half asleepness.

But that’s not the point! Last night( or like last week because it has taken me forever to finish this post), we decided by mutual agreement that Terminator 3 was good, comforting “going to sleep” TVness.

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Unformed Thoughts About Denying My Motherhood

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Bare with me becasue I think I am still trying to fiqure this out.

After I wrote out last nights post, I was still thinking a bit about it all. Especially that conflicted feeling that I have…the thrill that Max and I do have this connection, yet coupled with the sadness that even for three seconds he felt out of place in his life.

Now I have had internet “discussions” and I say that loosely as they were often a bit more harsh than a discussion, where someone, usually either an adoptive parent or and adoptee, will pretty much chastise a mom for speaking the truth about their feelings. And I have heard it asked and stated as fact: You like it when you hear that you kid was unhappy, you want to hear that they were miserable without you”

To be truthful, its all mixed up.

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Core Style: The Power of Genetics in Adoption Reunions

my bastard at my wedding

Tristan came home today with Scholastic’s Parent & Child in his backpack. So somewhere as I put off making dinner, I did my best to ignore the sounds of Pokeman as they explode form the TV, and took a gander at this nice piece of fluff.

What Make Your Child Tick?

Interesting enough, I actually found an article that peeked my interest, “What Makes Your Child Tick?” and within that article, they state:
Among the inborn traits that we now know to be on each child’s genome are:

  • personality type
  • temperment
  • emotional/rational style
  • learning styles
  • gender differences
  • talents and proclivities
  • inherent strenghts and weeknesses
  • resilience to trauma

Then it goes on the say: “When you know your child down to the core, you are empowered to help guide him though his childhood organically….

They even discussed how the past mentality of considering children blank slates is very much fallen form grace…since we are begiing to see more and more that genetically…it’s in there.

I, personally, do not need any convincing.

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Buy the Infamous Crack Whore Birthmother Shirt

The Infamous Crack Whore Birth Mother T SHirt

I can tell you from wearing the shirt many times at conferences and adoption events, that the “Crackwhore Birthmother” part DOES get folks attention and they DO come in to see what the rest of it says:
FRONT: So not a CRACKWHORE, Not just a BIRTHMOTHER, not a family building angel, nor a saint,nor a selfless strong girl either
BACK; “Just a MOTHER missing her CHILD.. adoption separates mothers and children.. no one would choose an eternity of this” read more…

No More Sarahs

What other Birthmothers say about adoption matters

To me there is a line. It doesn’t matter to me where you are when you are above (or below even) the line. You can be the most militant abolish adoption and hate it in all forms. You can be someone just struggling though. You can think that it worked out good for you personally. You can want reform, call yourself a first mom, an birthmom if you want. You can be in CUB, be in OriginsUSA, joined the social workers guild based on your experience, speak at conferences. I can’t judge that, that is YOUR truth. WE all fit somewhere..and does it matter exactly where you are on your journey? read more…

The Long Term Ripples in Adoption

Adoption affects lives just like the ripples in a pond from a stone thrown affects the shores

Sometimes, it comes with the birth of a second child that makes us realize what motherhood means, what was truly lost, what is gone forever.
Sometimes, it just comes with maturity. We become less self absorbed and see what we decided does not just effect us, does not just “build a family” that makes us feel good, but that the loss continues to grow and effect others in our lives in ways we could not see.
I tell the pregnant and considering adoption to look beyond the immediate. Not just at NOW, but at later. read more…