Denial is a rather impossible to arrest. You don’t know you are even experiencing a state of denial until you are out of it. Denial denies itself.
Often I feel that adoption denial is too strong a word.
Many people enter into adoption believing in some form of its innate goodness. There is often a real shock and a true disbelief that what they wanted to believe about adoption is different than the truth. That’s not denial, but just being unaware. The question is whether or now, we are able to see past what we want to believe and see the reality presented by the facts. This takes time as we need to process those changes in thought. Some resistance, the continued disbelief, is normal.
“How often it is that the angry man rages denial of what his inner self is telling him.”
Frank Herbert
Coming out of the Adoption Fog is a kinder, more realistic descriptive of the process.
It denotes the ability to see the truth through the lies that the adoption industry would like us to believe. It demonstrates the ability to see clearly, connecting all the dots in the adoption tapestry, finding the patterns. It provides a landscape where we can see past our own stories and view the larger picture without having the need to continuously apply our own perspective.
Don’t Drink the Adoption Kool Aid!
I have no business telling you to stop drinking the adoption kool aid.
I, too, used to think that adoption was the greatest win-win solution to an planned pregnancy. I thought I was smarter, more selfless, and stronger because I gave my newborn son away to others. I was proud of my heroic act for the first dozen years after relinquishing my baby to adoption.
I understand why so many birthmothers do not want to see, cannot bring themselves to see what adoption really means. It’s not just yummy tasting kool aid, it’s survival. So survive. I mean that. It’s Ok if you don’t want to believe me now. Maybe you never will, but maybe one day you find yourself having your own WTF moment, lying on the kitchen floor in a heap, wondering why this adoption stuff keeps on bringing your down. On that day, remember me and come on back. I’ll be waiting for you.
Further Reading on Adoption Kool Aid & Birthmother Denial:
Sorry, I’m Not Going to Be Convinced & I’m Not Changing My Mind
I really have to almost get a chuckle out of it when people try to tell me to shut up. Really? You are going to tell ME to STOP? And you think I will listen to YOU? How’s that working out for you? Yes, it IS FUNNY! You did not bother to find out who you are talking to. I take my rabble rousing VERY seriously. Why are you spending all your energy trying to convince me that you got it so good and adoption is so positive and “not like my experience”. Did I mention that I just do not care?
Go Be Happy About Adoption, But Don’t Call Me a Bitter Birthmother
“Encouraging Discontent”? Look lady, I’m not the one going over to other people’s blogs and telling them what they should do and how they should feel like royalty and scream about “Birthmama” pride from the rooftops. That whole blog bombing with your “outrage” is not the sign of someone who is content and secure in their decision. See, this wasn’t a blog post about YOU and what YOU wish YOU knew about adoption relinquishment. It was a post about ME so I talked about what I wished and MY experiences. I never said they had to fit YOU. If it doesn’t fit you, it still fits ME and wait, what’s that, a whole lot of other people who bothered to agree in comments, but you didn’t bother reading any of them, did you? You have no right to go dismissing other people’s feelings if you want your own pint of view to be heard.
Secondary Adoptee Rejection in Adoption Reunions
No one is trying to find their birthmothers to throw stones or cast blame, yet on that emotional level we have to acknowledge that the adoptee can feel rejected by the act of adoption placement whether voluntary or forced. It doesn’t matter how they can now, as adult, intellectualize the circumstances of their relinquishment, the child inside still knows the pain and that child wants it’s mother. There is an innocence there in this need to reconnect. It is pure feeling.
Why Adoption Kool-Aid Tastes so Good!
A Look at Birthmothers, Decision Making, and Denial It was close to 10 years ago, if not more the first time I was called out on being a birthmother in denial. Max was only 13 and years away from being found and I was new
A Parcel of the Past: Remembering Relinquishment
A few weeks ago, my dear friend Lena hit me up on Facebook with a question: “I was going through some stuff and found some old letters you wrote while you were in Boston. Would you like to have them?” Of course, the answer was yes,
Back From Touring Egypt
Hey all..if there is anyone even checking in anymore to read this… I think that I am ready to return, not that I actually ever really left. I mean, that’s the one thing that we should know now about this thing that is named ADOPTION…no
“Anger is more useful than despair.”
Quite a few years ago, I gave up on NOT sleeping with the TV on all night. I use to make a huge point of taking the “I-have-no-function-but-for-the-sleep-timer” controller, and using the sleep timer, since Rye HAD to have the TV on to sleep, but
Unformed Thoughts About Denying My Motherhood
Bare with me becasue I think I am still trying to fiqure this out. After I wrote out last nights post, I was still thinking a bit about it all. Especially that conflicted feeling that I have…the thrill that Max and I do have this
Core Style: The Power of Genetics in Adoption Reunions
Tristan came home today with Scholastic’s Parent & Child in his backpack. So somewhere as I put off making dinner, I did my best to ignore the sounds of Pokeman as they explode form the TV, and took a gander at this nice piece of
No More Sarahs
To me there is a line. It doesn’t matter to me where you are when you are above (or below even) the line. You can be the most militant abolish adoption and hate it in all forms. You can be someone just struggling though. You can think that it worked out good for you personally. You can want reform, call yourself a first mom, an birthmom if you want. You can be in CUB, be in OriginsUSA, joined the social workers guild based on your experience, speak at conferences. I can’t judge that, that is YOUR truth. WE all fit somewhere..and does it matter exactly where you are on your journey?
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