Same Sex Couples: Don’t Let Your Equality Turn You Into Oppressors

supporting gay marriage but not the right to adopt

An Open Letter to Every Gay, Lesbian, Homosexual Couple That’s Wants to Adopt a Child

Let me preface what you are about to read by very clearly stating that I completely support equal rights and freedoms to any and all same sex couples. Gay, lesbian, transgendered, queer, homosexual, same-sex- whatever and however, if you’ll happy, then I am, too. Love who you want, how you desire and yes, it is equal and should not be discriminated against in any way.  I support the right for our gay citizens to be married.  I support pending legislation and laws and governments that allow it to be so. So, it you choose to read the following and then somehow come to the conclusion that it’s about bashing anyone gay or being homophobic in anyway, then you are choosing not to read.

I believe it is fact that a gay parent is just as loving, capable, worthwhile, valuable and equal to a straight parent, but this is not a post about parenting a child if one or more of the biological parents happen to be gay. This is a post about the same sex couples that are looking to adoption (or surrogacy) in order to create or grow their family. This is where we are running into trouble and it is NOT because of the homosexuality- it’s because of the adoption.

I do not fault anyone for wanting to become a parent, but I can and will fault some people for how they come about that. I understand that for a gay couple, the journey to becoming a parent is more difficult and that, if one desires a child, the “traditional” means might not just do.  I understand that adoption might seem like the next best answer. I am not saying that I do not think that a gay couple should not be allowed to adopt.  It might sound conflicted, but I actually cannot support any state law, organization, or even an adoption agency that does discriminate against same sex couples.  I think either gay or straight, all parties should be treated equally, but when it comes to adoption, especially domestic infant adoption, I just think, gay or straight, ya’ll need to take a huge step back!

When The Oppressed Gain Power

Here’s the thing.

I understand that as a community the gay population has been fighting for equal rights and to treated equality for decades now.  Born a year before the Stonewall Riots, I have watched your struggle for acceptance, equal treatment in the eyes of the law and, now the fight for marriage equality, my whole life.  And again, I support, have supported and do love seeing more and more states follow suit and legalize gay marriages.  I live 15 minutes from New Platz, the small town where we are about to celebrate the 10 year anniversary of the first gay marriages in the state of New York.  I really do congratulate our friends who can now marry. Love is Love.

But as you now are able to celebrate a well earned equal status and acceptance,  please do not take it to the other extreme. Don’t get so sucked into the marriage and family thing and this desire to become parents that you lose sight of what it means when one population with power and control  is able to force their will upon another.

Marketing Adoption to Same Sex Couples

As a marketer, I know that through your numbers and the size of your combined incomes, especially the gay men,  you are a mighty force; a perfect target market.  Just as the whole wedding industry is thrilled by the possible and probably increase in the need for their services, I know many in the adoption industry  have already gone out of their way to target the same sex couples who want children though adoption.  Oh,  it might seem very accepting, but what they really want is your money.  I know this is probably not what you want to hear or maybe even anything that you have even heard before, but adoption is a 13 billion dollar industry and it is based on the profits made from the commoditization of children.  So, though marriage equality, as a population, you have now increased the demand for children.

The demand of children to adopt already exceeds the supply of children available for adoption, most especially infants. We can end this conversation right here by saying that there are over 100,000 child who really need homes and who are available to be adopted right now and if that is where your desires to parent are leading you, then I give you my blessings and support and hope you have a wonderful life.  But, if you believe that you need, want, desire, have a right to, can only accept, are entitled, or even have made a “choice” that an infant though domestic infant adoption (or surrogacy) is the way to go, then please let me warn you that you are in great danger of becoming exactly what you have fought against for so long. You are entering a slippery slope where you are at risk of becoming the oppressor.

Adoption; the Haves and the Have Nots

See, now you have. That’s what this is about; the haves and the have nots. You now have the money, the social institutions backing you, the power, the control, the homes, the perfection, the love, the support; what you do not have is the baby. On the other side, we have the have nots. The mother experiencing a “crisis pregnancy”  and maybe  she is lacking the money, the social institutions backing her, the power the control, the home, the perfection and the love. What she has is a baby in her belly and because she is lacking, all too many people are too willing to help separate her from that child for their own benefit.

Now the “nice” nonprofit adoption agency won’t tell you that. They will have you worrying too much about things like  “passing” your homestudy and making your “Dear Birthmother” packet and the horrible unethical practice of “matching”.  Maybe they will keep you busy placing adds and making happy “Looking to Adopt” websites and so you won’t think too much about what you are actually doing.  So I have to be the bad guy here and tell you. You are going to trample the human rights of this mother and child. You are now going to take part in the needless separation and break up of a family.

They will tell you it is “her choice” and lead you to believe that this is “the best” She isn’t good enough to be a mother.  She is unworthy to parent because she isn’t married. Or maybe she is too young, or struggling. Or maybe she is courageous and strong and heroic.  And you will want to believe it, but this just isn’t the case. She’s just a scared mother to be who is trying to do the best she can is being lied to by the same folks that are telling you exactly what you want to hear.

Stop Looking for “Your Birthmother”

Every year, we are looking at approximately 13,500 babies relinquished by mothers who, IF given accurate information regarding parenting and had options and support, would most likely NOT have placed their babies for adoption. This woman, this mother to be, who needs you to be her child’s parent because she cannot? She doesn’t exist. She wants her baby, she loves her baby, but she feels she doesn’t have any other options. She isn’t make a true informed “choice” because vital information is withheld from her before she relinquishes her child to adoption. The counseling she is getting from the adoption agency is nothing more than adoption gaslighting. And no one will warn her of what the life of a birthmother really is like. No one will tell you that you should be mourning with your child, not celebrating.

She is being asked to deny her motherhood, her natural love,  and that is just as wrong as you being asked to deny who you are and who you love.  Just because it is happening to someone else (who happens to have something you want) doesn’t make it right or fair. Just because you had to fight to be in this place now, doesn’t give you the right to use that to get what you want at the expense of others now.  Just stop.

Stop fighting about getting your names on the birth certificate.  Stop fighting to have the “right” to adopt. There is nothing wrong with you, but plenty wrong with adoption.  So. Just. Stop. Think about what you are doing. Go listen to some adoptees and pay heed to what they have to say! Stop discriminating against this mother, any mother, because what you have now makes you more worthy, more deserving, more entitled, than she is to her own baby. If you do not stop and you do go ahead and convince some poor mother that you are better for her child than she is, then indeed, you have crossed the line.

True Equality:  you are now equally as horrible as all the folks who went before you and put you down because you are gay.  You are now the oppressors.

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About the Author

Claudia Corrigan DArcy
Claudia Corrigan D’Arcy has been online and involved in the adoption community since early in 2001. Blogging since 2005, her website Musings of the Lame has become a much needed road map for many mothers who relinquished, adoptees who long to be heard, and adoptive parents who seek understanding. She is also an activist and avid supporter of Adoptee Rights and fights for nationwide birth certificate access for all adoptees with the Adoptee Rights Coalition. Besides here on Musings of the Lame, her writings on adoption issue have been published in The New York Times, BlogHer, Divine Caroline, Adoption Today Magazine, Adoption Constellation Magazine,, Lost Mothers, Grown in my Heart, Adoption Voice Magazine, and many others. She has been interviewed by Dan Rather, Montel Williams and appeared on Huffington Post regarding adoption as well as presented at various adoption conferences, other radio and print interviews over the years. She resides in New York’s Hudson Valley with her husband, Rye, children, and various pets.

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