Limiting Birthmothers in Black and White
Spend enough time reading comments about adoption in the public realm and it is plain to see that there are only two socially accepted views of what a birthmother is or isn’t. Sadly, it all comes back to the Madonna or Whore.
Literally.
Birthmother as the Madonna- a Saintly Family Builder
On one hand, usually coming from an adoptive parent, another birthmother, or an adoptee, she is called strong and selfless. Her choice to relinquish is deemed a courageous act motivated by pure love for her child. There are nods of thanks for her “gifts” whether it be “choosing life” or the more insidious “gift” of the child which can be morphed into the more politically correct version of “the gift creating a family”. She is heralded for being mature enough to make the wise and difficult decision of relinquishment. Sometimes there is even sympathy and empathy shown for her loss, but usually the noise is how wonderful she is, how thankful they are, and how honored and loved she is. It’s all just a regurgitation of the carefully honed adoption marketing massage. Really, read the materials and stop parroting, please.
Sometimes she is unknown and mythical; the “Dear Birthmother” at the end of a letter posted on some slick adoption agency website vying for her pregnant attention. Other times, she is the unknown fantasy; the original mother now lost, leaving her child to wax philosophic thanks for her courageous choice to grant them a life well lived with opportunity and loving parents. Other times she is know; the respected first mother of a loved child in an open adoption, granted pictures, updates and even visits. I often wonder what these mothers would honestly say if they were not tempered by the binds of the birthmother rules and the threat of lost contact did not quiet their voices. (That’s a lie, I know what many of them say and that they fear being authentic and losing contact with their children). Other times she is really known, open and honest, and still well meaning folks state that she did the best she could at the time and the relinquishment, by default, was good. Even when she says these things herself, we have to ask if it is the adoption Kool-Aid speaking or fog or, even worse, birthmother justification.
The Birthmother as the Whore: Irresponsible, Abusive Abandoner
On the other side, the birthmother is a horrific figure. The natural tendency to vilify the unnatural act of choosing to be separated from one’s child overrides all compassion. She is damned for her original sexual impulses that created the conception while no blame is often cast on her assuming lay very willing partner. She is berated for her stupidity of allowing the pregnancy to occur in the first place whether or not the sex was consensual, birth control, used and failed. The morality of abortion is often ignored and the thankfulness of “choosing life” forgotten in the damnation of her surrender. Her possible love of her child is conflicted with her ability to leave the same baby. She is a bad for even considering adoption as so many others envision that they “could never do THAT”. The concepts of coercion, desperate measures, rocks and hard places discredited.
Often, the worst birthmother contempt stems from a parent, often a father it seems, of children adopted from foster care. While these views come from the personal journey of these families and the anger is due to real failures of one mother to protect these particular children, painting all birthmothers as abusive is so very wrong. For others, it is a general ignorance of the adoption industry and practices approved in Adoptionland such as the promises of open adoption. God forbid she has the audacity to think she has a right to access the child she gave birth to because those were the conditions for which she relinquished. There is no birthmother cake served here! She is expected to back under the rock of which she came, keep happy with whatever scrapes provided, and continue to be a baby vending machine. Apparently, once a woman relinquishes once, she should never dare to parent another, but to repeat the process and provide more babies to feed the needs of deserving parents. Sometimes, it is the adoptee who casts blame, even if blanketed with thankfulness, and her existence is deemed less than desirable..the lost life together assumed to be worst the life legally contrived.
Smart selfless family building angel who should be honored and thanked or irresponsible slut who would have abused her baby, now abandoned to those willing to step up and make the sacrifices she was too stupid to do herself?
Neither is often real and both versions hurt us all.
The Reality of a Birthmother: Just Human
A birthmother is no different than any other human being on this planet. She is not missing some essential gene that allows her to leave her baby and not experience the same feelings as any other mother. She is not a willing participant in the adoption industry, but is simply a person who finds herself in a situation from which there are no obvious positive outcome. Little girls do not desire to grow up and join the ranks of this sorrowful sisterhood. The relinquishment and adoption of her baby is often just thought of the lesser of all evils and taught to be best for the child in question. Of course, the information given to most mothers considering adoption by the majority of adoption professionals is geared to that view and does not reflect a true informed choice made due to risks and consequences of adoption for both mother and child hidden.
Where is the Compassion and Understanding?
She is not a saint. She is not a whore. She is a woman faced with one of the most awful concepts a mother can imagine: the willing separation of one’s child for life.
Saints or sluts are not real. They are labels use to dehumanize the relinquishment experience. Both are used to separate the birthmother form the rest of the population and create impossible social contracts from which any person, birthmother of not, cannot continue to love within. The saint cannot admit to the pain and the slut does not deserve to feel the love. Polar opposites and not realistic for anyone. Not helpful for anyone. Not healthy for anyone.
A Birthmother feels nothing less than the next mother on the street even if her own life is damaged in some way, even if she is lacking, deemed a loser, or made poor choices. The mother of a kidnapped teen, a missing adult child, siblings lost in a custody battle, the victim of a shooting, an illness such as cancer; we acknowledge and sympathies in that mother s pain, but the birthmother is damned or sainted while her same feelings are dismissed.
We have got to stop this. Stop glorifying the birthmother. Stop vilifying the birthmother. Accept that each and every one of us is simply a real human being who found themselves caught in the crossfire of life and took the bullet.
Whether we jumped in the line of fire, walked in dangerous places, took risks, or protected or failed another, the shot fired was mortal and went straight to the heart. We all bleed the same color red and the mother we were meant to be has died. The wound simple hurts. That is a the stereotype and label that you can apply to any birthmother. We hurt.