Birthmother Regrets & Lessons

birthmother regrets adoption Post Adoption Support for After You Place a Child in Domestic Infant Adoption

After you relinquish a child  to adoption, the post adoption birthmother support offered by most agencies doesn’t really go far enough. And that’s assuming that there was any post adoption support and birthmother “counseling” offered to begin with. Sometimes, it’s a tough choice as the agency might get “adoption”, but they often have a reason to keep you complacent, or after you sign the papers and they get your baby they have no use for you. The rest of the world often doesn’t “get it” at all. There are a limited number of counselors who understand what life as  birth mother is really about.

Online Adoption Support Groups Help

Adoption is a very isolating experience as many of us go through life without having other people understand the journey and the lifelong affects post relinquishment. Most birthmother support focuses on pre-birth and immediately post-adoption, but relinquishment changes everything. The feelings change over time , while new situations in life have a funny way of bringing up the initial loss and grief. Plus, losing a newborn is one thing, 10 years later, it’s a whole childhood you have missed, in 20 years it’s a life. Death, marriages, new births, search and reunion all are frequent triggers and moms often needs additional support, or just someone who understands.

I certainly have found that I was not prepared for what it all entails to be a birthmother, but I did learn some things along the way that might help.

A Reunion Question- When Your Relinquished Child Wants to Live with You

adoptee coming home to live with birthmotheer.

Please share your challenges, problems, solutions, and experiences IF your relinquished child has lived with you again post adoption reunion? Or better yet IF you are an adoptee who did move back and live with your original family, what worked? What didn’t? What did you need that you didn;t get or wish had happened? And yes, please use the gift of hindsight to apply to your lessons learned! read more…

Once I Was a Troll

I was reminded of an old mistake today. Granted, it was not a gentle reminder, but a let me shove this in your face because look you SCREWED up taunt, but I had completely forgotten about it, so it was a reminder for me. And yes, I had screwed up. And thankfully, I learned a very valuable lesson on internet transparency, trust, integrity and owning up to mistakes. read more…

That Last Night of Gothic Innocence

1987 2

Yup, I went out and partied till God knows when in the AM with all my Goth friends on the Saturday night, then went to NYC in the Sunday to be wined and dined by my much older/ boss/boyfriend/lover. The sponge failed and Max became. Looking at these pictures now, they have so much more significance. Of course, I didn’t know at the time, but inside me a tiny egg was ripening and getting ready to go forth. Now, I see the last night of my non-adoption affected existence. I see the very last vestige of the old me. read more…

Flipping Learning- Shut Your Pie Hole

When Adoptees #FliptheScript

Yeah it might be hard sometimes.. for all the parents involved.. adoptive and birth parents…but the role I have taken for #FliptheScript is to just Re-post, re-tweet, re-share, but not redirect. I always remember, it’s not about me. It’s about the adoptee as it always should be. I’m just a parent doing the best I can to support the rights of my child…even though the voices of others. read more…

In Family Betrayal; When Your Aunt Plays Adoption Baby Broker

Kaleigh Holcomb of Alabama born April 17th, 2007

David yanks her from my arms and says, ” I’m not dealing with this!” and walks out the door. I followed him watching her cry and reaching for me and yelling for me. He puts her in the car and shuts the door.
I never told her I loved he. I never told her I missed her. I never told her will miss her. I didn’t get to even tell her goodbye.
I didn’t know I wouldn’t ever see her again. read more…

Adoption: No, NOT Much has Changed in 40 Years

cub the birth parent group

Lee Campbell might as well be the prophet of doom as she speaks about how the pro-adoption stance is growing and how the demand for adoption has begun to increase the stories of forced adoption, unethical practices, and unnecessary separation of families. She calls it.. right on the nose.. THIRTY YEARS AGO. read more…

The Act of Redemption in the Adoption Process

• In doing what is best for her child, she fulfills her need to see herself as a good mother and accept the pain of relinquishment. In this way, she transforms agony of the entire story into a redemptive experience where she becomes a heroine in her own eyes and in the eyes of others.

Yes, if I am trying to be completely honest and self aware, then I have to admit that some aspect of my motivation to do this work, my obsession with all things adoption, is a form of redemption. I can see that I am making up for the mistake of relinquishment, but I am not 100% sure who I am redeeming myself to. read more…

Thinking More About the Birthmother Closet

dead birthmothers in the closet

Sometimes, I literally surprise myself when I say things. I did that while on the show. If you note, I did mention the “skeleton” in the closet in my “before” writing. Rather expected and cliché, I know, but when I took it literally, as a real set of bones, which did mean that something died in the closet; then the visual became, I think, a powerful truth. If there is a real place called the birthmother Adoption Closet, then what really died inside was the mother we were supposed to be before surrendering. read more…

Reclaiming Our Motherhood After Adoption Relinquishment

We all worry. We all fear so much that we will lose what precious little we have managed to obtain, that we are frozen solid in fear. Adoptees, birthmother, fathers, siblings.. all dancing to a song that we don’t known the melody to but desperately tying to sing along hoping we don’t step on another’s toes. read more…

To the Parents Who Just Found Out Their Daughter is Pregnant

father shotgun

Maybe you or she or even some well meaning friends might suggest that your daughter relinquish this baby to adoption and this will, no matter what you might have been lead to believe or what you might read in most publications, will NOT allow her to continue life as planned. By encouraging or supporting your daughter to relinquish her baby to adoption you are, in a most literally, sense helping to destroy the child you now know as your daughter. read more…

What I Didn’t Know About Adoption

Adoption aborts the mother

I’ve learned to be gentle with my younger self. I really didn’t stand a chance up against that agency. They are very good at their business. They know exactly what to say and withhold. I was a prime, easy target for them and they did not hold back. They pounced and turned the knife to the very end. read more…

How Can We Trust the Expectant Mother to Make the Choice in Adoption?

Place your baby for adoption

I feel COMPLETELY different when it comes to adoption. With abortion, I trust a women to know what she wants and exercise her right to make an informed choice. With adoption, I feel like she has no clue, cannot know what she wants and is not making an informed choice. This has plagued me. Why are my feelings different? read more…

The “Unknown” Father in Adoption

The Adoption Practice of Leaving the Biological Father's Name off the Birth Certificate

The intent behind “protecting” a person from the ugly or not so ugly truth about one’s self might be begun as a kindness, but it is still a lie. So even if you love the person you wish to protect, you are betraying their trust and making a decisions for them based on your feelings, not theirs. You are not trusting them enough with knowledge that is theirs, not yours, to withhold. Truth is truth and no amount of wishing can change that. read more…