Birth Mother Regrets & Lessons

birthmother regrets adoption Post Adoption Support for After You Place a Child in Domestic Infant Adoption

After you relinquish a child  to adoption, the post adoption birthmother support offered by most agencies doesn’t really go far enough. And that’s assuming that there was any post adoption support and birthmother “counseling” offered to begin with. Sometimes, it’s a tough choice as the agency might get “adoption”, but they often have a reason to keep you complacent, or after you sign the papers and they get your baby they have no use for you. The rest of the world often doesn’t “get it” at all. There are a limited number of counselors who understand what life as a birth mother is really about.

Adoption Support Groups for Birth Mothers

Adoption is a very isolating experience as many of us go through life without having other people understand the journey and the lifelong affects post relinquishment. Most birthmother support focuses on pre-birth and immediately post-adoption, but relinquishment changes everything. The feelings change over time , while new situations in life have a funny way of bringing up the initial loss and grief. Plus, losing a newborn is one thing, 10 years later, it’s a whole childhood you have missed, in 20 years it’s a life. Death, marriages, new births, search and reunion all are frequent triggers and moms often needs additional support, or just someone who understands.

There can be no doubt that computers and the internet have provided a wonderful array of new tools at the hands of the adoption community. It has been the one thing, I believe, that allows people to find ways to come together and bridge that isolating affect. To read another’s words and have them echo in your soul  is minimally validating and sometimes a true lifeline. To just be able to know that others understand your feelings and won’t judge can be vital.   I pretty much always recommend that anyone struggling with adoption issues at least read at a few places online.

To find Adoption Support Online and Locate Adoption Support Group Meetings; click here.

Not all these groups are for birth mothers only, so take a peak and find one that feels good. It’s also not a bad idea to see if you can find a local group that physically meets once in a while.

Counselling and Therapy for Birth Mothers

Sadly, the long term affects of adoption relinquishment and the impact and affect  on a birth-mothers life are not well studied nor taught at all within the mental health or social services fields. It can be very challenging to find a professional who is well versed in the specific range of post relinquishment traumas and issues of our population. Many mothers tell stories of how incredibly difficult it can be to find competent help who does not dismiss or negate the loss of their child onto their lives. Even many therapist who consider themselves experts in the filed of adoption are more turned to working with the children or helping the adoptive parents. The cultural stereotypes of birth mothers  as unaffected,  cold and heartless, bleed into the mental health fields.  Adoption can be viewed as a joyous occasion and the very real issues post relinquishment are ignored.

While there is a handful of adoption counselors and therapists who themselves have relinquished, there is not nearly enough for all the mothers requiring assistance. There has been some success in avoiding the expected “adoption” counselor and look for professionals who specialize in grief and loss. It can also be helpful to look for someone who is well versed in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as  a good numbers of birth mothers are symptomatic of PTSD.

Sharing Birth Mother Hindsight Here

I certainly have found that I was not prepared for what it all entails to be a birthmother, but I did learn some things along the way that might help. Many of these posts deal with the hindsight of being a birthmother. There are many aspects of this birth mother life that are completely unimaginable before relinquishment and the adoption professionals failed terribly in their job preparing us for the reality.  The posts in this category mainly deal with the emotional aftermath of adoption relinquishment and life lessons learned along the way.

 See additional articles that deal with this issue here

Want to Change the World?

Sign Up for the Adoption Army! "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead