I think I am kind of lost right now. I just feel…removed somehow. Maybe it is a seasonal thing? I was off the the boards, off adoption, alot last summer, but I chalked that up to Garin’s impeding surgery..but again, I feel it now.
I have a sense of bordom, of restlessness. Stalemate.
Come to think of it, that’s probably a direct reflection on my relationship with Max.
Yes, dear readers…we went from pick a date.
OK..sure when ever…to …is there anything I can do to make this easier?
So that is two replies from me..and from that boy…zippo! Yeah, Ok it has only been a few weeks..and I know he is away this week..but..sigh.
This was my last message to him..
So my dog has a rash. Your brother thinks my role in life is to drive him back and forth to skateparks. And the little beasts won’t stop talking or eating everything in sight.
Yeah, and I am beating around the bush. Trying to walk the fine line between waiting patiently and harassing you outright..chomp chomp chomp at the bit. I so what to just yell “when are you coming?? Pick a date!”, but then..I know it is not as easy as all that. I know you are juggling it all. I know that getting your folks down with the concept, much less the reality, is a big mess of conflict that is easier to not face. I know it sucks to try to do what party A wants, what party B wants and what you want too..and keep everyone happy. And part of me knows that you will do what you want to do when you are good and ready and I should just shut up. And I can do that. It’s all OK.
Like as much as I would be over the moon to know on such and such you were hitting the road, knowing that it is still too much of a hassel for you to deal with is fine. Or even if it is not on the “a” priority list of things to do this summer…I’m not insulted at all. Please..whatever the case may be..or a combination of all…don’ think that that you cannot say something if you don’t think it is what I want to hear. I am not going anywhere no matter whatand whenever and how ever this works out….is the way it is and that will be just fine. It’s not about what I want.
Let me ask you this. Is it easier if I were to say that *I* am roadtripping to MA..say to see my brother, get a vaca, and be available for you? Tea with the folks so they don’t think I am the insane nut job from the past if necessary.
And this could *again* just be me projecting a reading all kinds on nothing..but I want to put it out there and be honest just in case. I know that there is just a good chance that you are being all crazy busy..which is cool, but I know how much I have to try not to avoid conflict and unpleasant stuff..and sometimes I think that could also be one of those great inherited genes. It is so much easier to ignore the ick and harder stuff.
..it is SO HARD to keep to that fine line..NOT be a pest, but not a doormate either..understanding of him..yet true to myself..and as much as I would like it all not to effect me…it does. Back and forth, tempt and pull away, i just want to know!!! And maybe that itself is asking too much..to expect that he even knows what he wants, or that his desires do not change in the wind…but I am just not good with getting excited and then….nothing. And I want to be excited, I want to feel this joy..i don’t want to deny myself these emotions because I fear the dissapointment. But it weighs on me…and then I just find myself disgusted with all things adoption related.
And I really have so very much to do!!
I haven’t been writing enough. But that is becasue I have found a connection to ‘real writing” aka getting published..and so, I have writers block. Great. I stare at my blank page and get annoyed. Which compounded with my overall disgust..makes me feel like a loser..since, i always onder about my inability to “follow though”..now that IS my mother talking in my head…fear of sucess that makes one self destruct and sabotage…and I KNOW this..it’s just a bad song playing over and over agin, but sometimes..one wonders.
I am particiapting on “fluff” threads on SoA…because I keep going head to head with the same people and I feel fustrated and defensive. One person in particular has got me just…..stuck. I even tried to deal with her privatly and she blew me off. Ag..might I be wounded? Nah…but I don’t like saying things coz I am “gonna get at her”…so I have been saying nothing.
I am SOOO fustrated with that damn websight that I did..that I had to take a break, but I am mad at myself for doing so. Must finish!!!
Gosh and so many new blogs to link to..I have missed my Sunday updating for months now!!
and WHAT have I found myself obsessed with for the past few days? Writing a Disney animation story with an AA “princess”. Yeah. A kids movie. Granted it is needed…but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that the visions of grandour have $$$ amounts flying in my head. Ugggg.
I am annoyed with myself.
I have writers block. …I stare at my blank page and get annoyed. Which compounded with my overall disgust..makes me feel like a loser..since, i always onder about my inability to “follow though”…fear of sucess that makes one self destruct and sabotage…and I KNOW this..it’s just a bad song playing over and over agin, but sometimes..one wonders.
You put it so PERFECTLY! I suffer from the same damn problem and have for years. I just can’t seem to finish anything.So. It’s an adoptee thing. Now I know. And I always thought it was glandular.
Oh, I cannot even claim it is an adoptee thing for me..I am not an adoptee, but a mom.
Hmm..it is something to be examined further though. For me the few things that I have followed though with..have hurt. So easy to tie this one into relinquishing my son…I was sucessful as a “bithmother” and that sucked. So is sucess hurtful to me? Do I see it as endings..and I don’t like endings?
More to ponder.
i hate disney. and i question the wierdosity of my procrastination-over achiever combo…
(((Claud)))
If I were in the waiting, I’d be super freaked, thinking of every possible thing… does he still want to meet? Did he change his mind? What about now? Maybe he’s too busy? Maybe he’s going through too much? Maybe I need to say more, or maybe I’ve already said too much?
I think it is normal for us to feel this way. I think the one thing to do, might be to trust him. That no matter what happens, you aren’t going to lose him again. ((hugs))
ps… I’ve always had the problem of not being able to follow through with things. I mean, I do some things, but many I don’t. I’m not technically an adoptee, and it happened before I was a mom.
Hi, Claud, keeping my fingers crossed that things work out well.
And just in case there’s any doubt – I have a hard time finishing anything either. I think it’s human nature for overextended people.
I hope the writers block lifts soon, too.
sounds like the condition in reunions that if often called “limbo”. not knowing when (if ever) the next contact will be, hoping that the other person reaches out, being petrified of making a wrong move or coming across “too strongly,” as being “too needy”. it sucks, it really does, that adoption damages relationships like this, puts so much stress onto us.
i hope that Max contacts you soon.
wow, claud, this really hit me. i am currently being faced with a very difficult life decision. i am frozen in time. not making any decision. no movement. like the rush lyrics “if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice”. i am VERY aware that my inability to make a decision is greatly tied to my “bad” decision making 20 years ago. I dont trust my own judgement. My own feelings. I am wrong, right? Faced with a big, complex, life changing, decision that others may not approve of? i am frozen. i am terrified.
so yeah, i kinda get this sentiment
For me the few things that I have followed though with..have hurt. So easy to tie this one into relinquishing my son…I was sucessful as a “bithmother” and that sucked. So is sucess hurtful to me? Do I see it as endings..and I don’t like endings?
Claud, I sent you a post yesterday, saying I’d be freaked too (having been there, though not quite in the same way, I know the feeling!). Only it didn’t come up, for some reason.
Anyway, I think you have remarkable fortitude and gumption.
The writers block. Comes with the territory, alas.
This too will pass – and you’ll be writing up a storm in no time 🙂 Promise.
I hope your writers block lifts soon. I have a whole bunch of writing exercises (from a book I purchased) designed to help alleviate writers block. Let me know if you want me to send you some suggestions. 🙂
I really hope you get a definitive answer from Max on when/where to meet so that you don’t have to feel in limbo any longer.