This is a bit that just spewed out in reply to to a thread on SoA regarding the use of the word “Lost” as to “my son was lost to adoption”. It is a really interesting thread..five pages currently if you need a bit of deep summer reading.Anyway..I think it can stand on it’s own here. It’s mostly to a new mom now who was commenting on how the word doesn’t quite sit right to her.
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When I signed away my rights to Max..he was lost to me. I did not know where he was. I did not know who he was. And the child that he would have been if continued in my care was lost forever. Now he wasn’t dead..but for many many years..Oh, I feared that. I had no idea really..it was a closed adoption and if something had happened to him..well, how would I ever have found out?? If he wasn’t lost to me..then how is it that I found him?? I didn’t relocate him, I didn’t discover him, I searched and found. I mean just on a literal stance..it works..lost/found.

Now as far as losing a child vs gaining a child?? So playing on losing /winning…. I have to say..yeah, they won. They did get the prize. And I cannot begrudge them that..after all that was the deal. I made the deal and that was part of the rules. They would have what I could not. They did what they were suppose to..they loved him, raised him, kissed the boo boos, went to track meets, etc. Did they gain..sure. They did get what they were looking for..to raise a child, have a family, whatever one wants to call it.

I can’t say we all won…really I don’t know if anyone has really got what they want. I don’t think they expected me to resurface. I think they expected me to stay lost until he decided to find me and I don’t think they expected him to want that ever..maybe?? I know I certainly did not expect that almost 20 years after the fact of this “situation” in my life that it would still be the driving force that it is. Adoption was suppose to make it all “better” and make all the issues and problems surrounding having a child go away. And it certainly did not do that…it just gave me a whole new set of issues and problems that keep on morphing and changing as the years go by. I keep on saying that placing a child is the greatest form of procrastination..and sure as heck…IF I had kept him..well by now the problems associated from having a child at a young age would be long gone and I would be on easy street now..instead I have to deal with tons of stuff that never even occurred to me back then…

I think it is fair to say that HE is pretty good…he did well, got a good deal..but I cannot say better honestly..it’s just as Nic says..”different”. But he seems happy and very sure of himself and that is all that matters to me…though I don’t think he quite has the freedom to have all that he wants…but good enough. I hope.

Anyway…while I thought I was winning..I wasn’t. And most certainly..I have to admit..there is a part of me that is jealous that they have had what I stupidly gave away. And for that part of it..again..I feel no anger to them. What I do end up feeling sometimes is anger that perhaps it is thought that I should have stayed lost…and I really really really so want to believe that they are wonderful and kind and great ..because they ARE his parents..and I want them to care about me just like I hear so many of you guys really care about your kids other folks…and I keep waiting and hoping and making excuses for them, even calling out my own behaviors and getting out more rope to hang myself…and well..i keep waiting. So yeah..to me they keep winning..because I am just damned by the stupid actions of a dumb scared me, and a piece of paper decreed..and I have bits and crumbs..and should be happy and content with those bits..but oh, just sometimes to dream of just a little bit more. Just a tad..a smidgen of our “prize”…( sorry to adoptees…hate to objectify..just stuck in the apology..winloseprize..all for prose. OK?) And I know I am not horrid and scarey and dangerous…and I still can’t even hear my son’s voice…so I am certainly not winning anything lately..or soon it seems.

So really..it has nothing to do with what anyone elses situation is, or how your relationship is with your kids or their folks…and maybe it will never be appropriate for the other mom of your baby to say she lost her baby..because she didn’t, she won’t, she will not need to find for nothing will be lost, and you aren’t out to win, so no one has to lose…and I can understand how it would hurt to apply those words to your life as you are not playing the same game with the same rules and your intentions are different….but the rules to my game still go on. Your life cannot change them no matter how great you are. Oh, I wish it could..but alas, I have to play by what the directions said at the time. And I keep on trying to rewrite them too ( be proactive! Strong..willful..but not toooo much! understanding, kind, respectful…oh the list goes on!!)..but for right now..no matter how I look at them..I still have a huge loss. Still losing.

For everyday that my daughter asks me “When can I met my big brother Max?” and I have to say “I don’t know my pet ..soon I hope” I lose some more. When my friends ask “did they ever reply to your letter?’ and I have to say “no, not yet, but it is a lot to process”..I still feel put in my place. When my husband asks “Whats’ wrong? Why are you crying?” and I have to explain that it was a dream I had, where I got to see him and it felt so real..I know I am not winning anything..cept the desire to go back to sleep and dream that dream some more.

Everyday..life continues. Everyday time marches on. Everyday is another day in my life where I cannot see is face with my own eyes, cannot hear his laughter, cannot smile upon him, see my children together. Everyday is another day lost to us all. Everyday, I still lose.

Honestly…every new day is a new day lost.