Before I signed any papers to relinquish Max, I signed the consent forms allowing him to open the records at age 18.

Adoption Reunion Fantasies

Before I knew anything really about adoption, I had fantasies about his 18th birthday and the telephone ringing, or the door knocking and tried to imagine how it would feel. It was disappointing to find out, once I began to read about adoption and research reunions, that it often is not such the case and frequently adoptees don’t begin to search until they are older, frequently inspired by the birth of their own children, and men take even longer on average. I began to try to wipe my reunion fantasy from my brain.

It was pretty obvious that I knew little about adoption for real. I knew nothing about what an adoptee really could feel or think and my closest foray into a real reunion was watching Lifetime Movies.

When Max turned 14 and it was suddenly only 4 years away, I remember writing about how four years was nothing, a college education, the time spent in high school, it could be around the corner with time going as fast as it did.

So the first thing I learned was an adoption reunion probably wasn’t around the corner.

But that was hard, for in my mind, the adoption was always 18 years. The adoption and loss of my son had a time span attached to it. It never felt forever. It was more like a lease. And there was never any question in my heart that I would see him again. It was just a question of when.

The Birthmother Rules of Adoption Search and Reunion

Now I thought that I was doing the “good” mother thing by letting it be all up to him. It was his decision to search, when he was ready. That’s the 100% answer. I will be there for him when he wants it.

Birthmothers learn to leave a trail of breadcrumbs in the hope that your child will seek you out. On the wall of my mother’s garage, right before we sold the house, I wrote my name and my son’s name and that I lived here and his birthday. And I left my married name and the area to which I moved to. I kept the adoption agency updated when I moved or something significant happened like when my mother died of colon cancer or Garin’s heart condition. I slowly started to register on reunion sights even though nothing usually was posted as he was under aged. I didn’t go hog wild as I had time, but I got the IRSS paperwork like three years ago and have waited over two years for him to be of age and be listed on the MassReunion Registry.

Often someone would ask, “Will you search for him when he is 18?”

And I would say “No”, I will wait for him.”

That was the right thing to do. That is what Birthmothers are taught. I could not intrude. It was not my place. I, after all, was the one to “give him up”. We make this sacrifice of our own feelings for the perceived benefit of our child. So of course, we still put the child ahead of ourselves. We also often put the adoptive families needs, and feelings in front of ourselves as well.

Question the Birthmother Rules

And then I started to wonder. I really tried to understand my adoptee friends. Being able to “get” them without huge explanations or clarifications, it was really important to me. For every adoptee that I could relate to and understand was one step closer to understanding this child and his feelings. I would be a better mother for being a better friend. And what they told me conflicted with what I believed.

Adoptees wanted to be found. Adoptees wanted to be wanted. Adoptees didn’t want to find a mom who was “Great!” with it all. And for a long time, these conflicting thoughts just sat in my brain and glared at each other across the divide of my mind.

When people asked me if I would search, I answered that I didn’t know.

Telling One Son About His Older Brother Given Up For Adoption

In my own mind, being ready for reunion with Max also meant that I got the rest of my life “on board” so to speak. I wanted everything to be lined up by his 17 birthday so I had a year of adjustment to play with. One of the big issues was that Garin didn’t know that he even had an older brother given up for adoption.

That wasn’t something that I was really all that happy about, but it was the way it came about. When we married, Garin’s dad, Pat and I, he had huge issues with the birth of Max. He was the first person after the adoption was openly hostile about it. He was the first person to make me feel shame after. ( Note: I felt tons of shame before, but the act of sacrifice had purified me of it). He claims that it was not Max, or that I had had another child, but that Max’s father was so much older than me and I was too casual when speaking about it.

In any case, he acted like a freak most of the pregnancy, bemoaning that it wasn’t “my first” too and that just ruined it. I was actually thankful that Garin was breech and had to be a C-section, since I could not imagine labor with him as having been a good experience. I had wanted to be open with Garin from the get go..no secrets, but it was too hard. The marriage was failing anyway, but by time I could make the decision to tell Garin on my own, he was at that huge blabbermouth stage, and I just didn’t want to deal. So he never knew.
I also was planning on contacting Max’s biological father to tell him he had a son who was adopted at birth..a man that I had not seen or spoke to in 17 years. This was a huge deal as I had not told him directly about the pregnancy either directly before or after, even though I believe he knew I was pregnant but choose to assume that he was innocent of such parentage.

Open the Adoption Box

Telling Garin was the more favored of the two. After all, he is my son. And I began to think a lot about how and when and what to say. The opportunity just came after the July 4th fireworks and we had an hour’s drive home in the dark and the little ones were blessedly sleeping. It was a double Independence Day..independence form my secrets and he took it rather well. He was more upset that I had not told him long ago and that other people knew before him, then with the actual news about having an older brother. He remembered that he had “always wanted an older brother” and that was true as he had wished for one out loud as a child and that really hurt…knowing that he truly had one, yet unable to make it happen.

Children and Adoption Questions

Anyway, he had lots of questions for me. What his name was, where he lived, what he was like? Questions I could not answer. Questions I never could answer, never thought I would, but suddenly I really wanted to know the answers. I wanted to be able to tell my son something about his brother. It was one thing that *i* didn’t know. That I had agreed on, but it was something else entirely different that my son didn’t know. He had no choice in the matter

While looking though my box of adoption related things, I re-read the agency parent profile for the first time in many years, and I was surprised by the amount of information and what I had forgotten in that time.

And for the first time I thought, “Let’s just see what I can find”

Continue reading ……Searching for my Adopted Son; A Three Day Adoption Search on Google