Tragic Crash Ends Adoption Search of Lehigh Valley PA Girl Born March 26, 1988
I know quite a few adoptees from Pennsylvania, but I didn’t know Alyssa Rachel Toner. I only learned about her today, as yet another news article with adoption as a keyword passed through my alert system. I read an article about her, then her obituary, then I watched her video and then I cried. I didn’t know her at all so I can’t miss her, or mourn her in any right way, yet still her sad passing just strikes deep horrible fear and makes me imagine a loss, a future, so horrific that shivers are sent down my spine.
I am sad for her tragic death, I am sad for her parents, I am sad for her fiancé and friends, but I cry for her mother. Somewhere out there, another birthmother has just had one of the worst tricks of fate played upon her.
Saddest Adoption Searches: Finding a Grave
Alyssa had been adopted at birth. She’s a PA adoptee, so her records were sealed and even though she registered at the state adoption registry, it’s a mutual consent registry and her mother did not also sign up. Like so many adoptees who have turned to social media in the recent weeks in hopes that the viral share component could mean a successful reunion contact, Alyssa made a video.
- On February 13th, she uploaded to YouTube.
- On February 20th, she spoke to a reporter about her potential viral adoption search.
- On March 2nd, she was in the fatal car crash that took her life.
Her search is over. If her mother is to look for her ever, she will find a grave.
This Birthmothers Worst Fear
Easily, the worst fear of any mother, any parent. Probably the worst fear of almost all birthmothers, dare I guess? I know I worried about it, but it was that deep dark silent worry; the kind you dare not talk about least the God’s hear you and think you are testing the fates. It’s so dark that you really can’t talk to anyone about it if you even have someone that you can talk honestly about the relinquishment experience with. It’s so awful to even entertain, that I know I don’t even allow myself to think about such things. Not only, do I fear the God’s retribution, but the waves of pure emotion if I even allow myself to even “go there” are too intense. I shield myself from that thought, but I will admit now, I feared it.
What if something terrible had happened to Max and there was nothing left at the end of 18 years?
Proof of Life, End of Fears
Yes, that fear was so there for me that on that night, July 7, 2004, when I found that final listing that confirmed that THIS was my child. When I read the online running stats from his high school listing recent dates and had strong proof of life; the mantra I sung to myself as I finally went to bed that early morning was:
He’s alive. He’s OK. I know where he is. He’s OK. He breathes. He’s alive.
The nightmare fantasy was only needless worry, and thankful does not begin to describe the relief and gracefulness. Hands down, it was the worst fear of them all; to find out that the child you had placed for adoption had died before you ever found them again.
The passing of Alyssa Toner has that tragic irony as she had just really actively started searching for her birthmother again and now this. I am actually torn as I write this.
Is it honoring to talk about the death of a young woman I did know because I am so moved by emotions? Alyssa is very close in age to my Max; a mere 4 plus months younger. Her birthmother and I had overlapping pregnancies, though we are supposedly three years apart in age. It is normal for me to imagine a similar fate , remember the fear, and know she will be denied that sweet relief. Identification is normal, but do I dare write about it?
Does one hope that we take on her search and help spread the video virally as she wished people to do? She wanted to get that message to her original mother, that she loved her, but is that message cruel after her sad death? On one hand, her mother had not registered, but then we know, so many mothers and adoptees never know they can, or where, or how to really search. We can make the very educated guess and assume that Alyssa’s mother HAS thought of her over the years, so will she search on her own eventually? Or was she waiting, like so many of us were taught in the “Official Birthmother Rulebook” that good birthmothers didn’t intrude upon an adoptee, but waited patiently, in the wings, leaving a trail of breadcrumbs if possible, until the adoptee seeks them out? Is a cruelty or a kindness to end her wait? Would I want to know? Yes, I would want to be able to find the truth no matter how horrible it was. I could not have waited any more, but my internal time clock can be vastly different that this unknown birthmother. I go back and forth, as I said, torn.
All I Can Do: Make it Easy for Alyssa’s Mother to Find Her Daughter
Alyssa’s video is hauntingly silent. There is no sappy background music or voice over. All one hears is the rustle of the loose leaf paper that Alyssa’ wrote her message on. The camera is steady and the full frame remains on the messages boldly written in black marker. She had nice handwriting, but we never see her face. She says that meeting her mother would be a dream come true. It’s all horrible sad. Right now, it only has 498 views on it and as I said, I think I am almost comforted that it hasn’t gone fully viral…too soon, too soon, not yet. Like I keep imagining her mother finding out on the day of her funeral or something and want to make that another dark use of excessive imagination. I don’t want to read another ironic news story. Do I embed the video here or not? Really..I am torn.
ETA: I think the community has spoken, this post is getting shared, so I shall embed, Plus, I took Dan’s advice int he comments and I have a full copy of the video saved on my hard drive here, so if the video DOES go away, I can add it back again.
What I do know, though, is that Alyssa was searching and cannot finish her search. She made the video, but it does not show up in searches for her birth date. The article about her adoption birthmother search does not seem have been published. The news stories about her death, do, right now, but as time passes, news articles like these get achieved and fall way down on the search rankings. Maybe her search will be forgotten completely. Maybe her account will be taken down, the video eventually deleted and, if her birthmother ever does decide to search, she will never find anything at all.
The message will be lost.
This is what I can help preserve: That a Female Adoptee, called Baby Wagner, lived as Alyssa Toner, born on March 26, 1988, at Lehigh Valley Hospital in Allentown, PA was searching for her birthmother. Sadly, she passed away on March 3, 2013, but she had a message for her mother:
Hello there!
My name is Alyssa.
I was born on March 26th, 1988 at Lehigh Valley Hospital Allentown PA.
I was adopted at birth. My mother was sixteen years old. I have never met her.
I am very blessed to have a loving family who made sure they did not hide the adoption form me. I could not ask for better parents.
However…I would very much like to meet my birthmother.
There was a pastor that acted as a go between both families. My mom and I ran into said pastor t a Home Depot when I was thirteen. He took one look at me and said, “WOW, you look JUST like you mother!”
I have written countless essays, papers etc. about her because I owe my life to HER.
I filed official paperwork with the court to let her know I wanted to be found. She, however, did not.
I was devastated for years. Not a day goes by that I do don’t think about her, wonder where she is, what she’s doing, if she ever wonders about me.
It’s been TWENTY FIVE YEARS now. So I guess what I’m trying to do, is reach out, hoping this will get me closer, so, MOM… Should you see this, I can’t pretend to know how painful this may be, So I have already entertained the idea that you want nothing to do with me. I picture you with a great life, wonderful family, and I don’t want to screw that up for you. I don’t want anything from you. I just need to know that you’re out there somewhere. It would be a dream come true to meet you face to face. I have years of unanswered questions for you. On the other hand, should you see this and still not want to meet, I will understand and leave you alone.
All I want to do is say THANK YOU. You are the reason I am Alive when I am sure at the time, an abortion would seem an easier option. So I literally owe you my life. Thank you, Mom! And no matter what, I love you. And I hope to hear from you. My email is alyssarachael@gmail.com Thank you for watching.
Alyssa named the video a catchy ”How to Meet Your Mother“. From all outward glances, she looked to have been a happy adoptee who had a happy life. I can only hope that her mother, should she ever look for Alyssa, finds comfort in that. I’m going to attach the related articles and the obituary so she can read about her daughter’s life and find the names of the adoptive parents. Perhaps they would share some of Alyssa’s writings with her birthmother. That would be a true gift in such a sad adoption tale.
How You Meet Your Daughter
And somewhere, there is a woman close to my age, I don’t know her either. She’s 42 / 43 and she will probably be thinking about Alyssa on her 25th birthday coming up on just a few weeks, this March 26th. If she ever searches, be it years from now, may she find her daughter’s message to her, her words of love, know she was happy, and be able to look upon, just once, her beautiful face.
They say she looked just like you.
Articles about Alyssa Rachael Toner
Find Adoption Events 
If you have Firefox, install Download Helper. Then go to the YouTube page and swipe the video. Post it here. I know you’re torn about that, but do it. You already have all the other elements in place to allow the information to be searched on Google.
Alyssa’s mom deserves to be able to see Alyssa’s message as well as her picture. She will need that “I love you.”
Oh good idea. I shall do that. I wasn’t going to even embed it, but considering that this post IS getting shared, then the community has spoken.
I think we are taking on making this viral if possible.
Oh and if you want, also link to the YouTube page below the embedded video. But if you have the video here, it won’t matter if the YouTube account goes away.
The saddest thing is, if I had seen the YouTube video when she first posted it, or had she been referred to me, I probably could have found her mother.
I am so curious on who u are.even though alyssa has left us I know she wanted to meet her mother. I worked with her and that is all talked about for the two years we worked together. How could u have helped her and can we still do. I think she will still like that.
Hi Kathy,
I am just another birthmother really, but I spend most of my time talking about adoption, this blog as an example to get our stories and truth known.. and for Adoptee Rights so people like Alyssa CAN get their Original birth certificates so she could have had her mother’s name.. which would have made any search much easier. We, the collective, are Adoptionland.. made up of more birthmothers and fathers, adoptees, and adoptive parents who support truth speaking of adoption.And as a collective, we are pretty good at making noise online. There are many. So, if we had found her video in time, it would have been shared and promoted like so many of the social media searches are. Thre are a bunch of examples on this post towards the bottom; http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/an-open-letter-to-the-news-media/; plus also, the network of search angles are great with finding people, so Alyssa might have luck with them. But it is the bottom line of collective sharing and support that would have been the main goal..can we still do that? Yes, we could, yet that is the quandary. As a mother, finding out my child was searching and then passed, it’s going to be beyond terrible, so I don’t think we should do that yet. Like to be found mere days after the chance is lost is so cruel. Though it will be horrible either way.. I Cannot force another human to face that maybe before they are wanting to know the truth. Does that make sense? And that’s really why the post is here. IF her mother does search, she WILL find this page and the video and Alyssa’s message to her. I just checked to make sure.. in adoption searches the only thing to often go by is the birthdate, so google “march 26 1988 adoptee” and you land here. I do NOT delete, so this is a safe place for it to stay and wait. I think if maybe, as someone who knew her.. if you want to revisit the idea maybe next year at this time (birthdays are important and her mother will be thinking about her for sure) then, we can make a real effort to spread it far and wide until maybe someone recognizes her face, the names, the birthrate. Especially if you think she would like that….whether we found her in time, or she found the adoption community online.. we are family.. and she is one of us. Even if she is gone. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.
I am truly saddened:( My sons were born March 25th,1986, so they were very close in age. Again, what does one say, when we read , hear, or live these journeys. I can so remember wondering, worrying, and praying , for over 8000 days! 8(
I could not read this post without crying. Alyssa was my age. 25 years without knowing your roots is too long. I understand her longing and sincerity in her search. I just wish her mother had the chance to meet her wonderful daughter. This post is going to haunt me.
Thank you for picking up the story about Alyssa and saving it somewhere. I hope that some day, I can share the story of Alyssa with her birth mom or other family members, and show them where Alyssa grew up and share all the wonderful stories. My husband has kept a journal for many years. Alyssa was extremely talented and smart. she had some tough times in her life too. Sometimes serious illness and sometimes heartaches, but she was renewing her relationship with Christ,turning into a mature young lady. We wished we could have had her longer, but that was not God’s Plan. As her adoptive parents, we saw God’s hand in how she came to live with us. If you didn’t hear the story, We picked up Baby Wagner (Alyssa) at McDonalds Restaurant, and she went back to the Lord in the accident after a trip to McDonalds.
I just returned form a family vacation and am now realizing the true weight of your comment. Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your daughter.
As you could read, I had some internal struggles on the propriety of this post, so your gratitude takes away the weight of my worries. And I will share in your hope that one day you can tell Alyssa’s other family about how she lived.
This, “We picked up Baby Wagner (Alyssa) at McDonalds Restaurant, and she went back to the Lord in the accident after a trip to McDonalds.” gives me chills…While I do not often like to see Divine intervention in adoption, I would grasp to that symbolism as well. How could one not?
Again, I am so sorry. And from one mother who knows grief, to another, I wish you a safe passage through the dark journey as you learn to live without your child. Be kind to yourself and, when all else fails, just breathe.
Hi Mrs. Toner, I was one of Alyssa’s co-worker at the office And she always talked About having a journal and stories Of things that she did through her lifetime, and from hearing the stories at the viewing she was a very adventurous person but yet so quiet. We miss her very much at the office. Please keep in touch! I hope one day her story gets out there and her birth mother is able to here her stories and see the great life she had with you guys. She loved u very much.
This is so sad and touching. I thank you (through tears) for sharing this for Alyssa and all adoptees and birth parents that may be searching and yearning. My thoughts and prayers are for all who knew her, and the birth parents who will hopefully get to know her through her story.
Please do NOT attempt to drop SEO links for adoption agencies on this blog ( and most especially on THIS post) I will allow the rest of your comment to stand only because it does relate to the post. This will be the only request made of this kind. The next time anyone associated with your website drops links here, I will expose your site for every possible fault and piece of adoption misinformation I can find. I will also make sure that I outrank your SEO for your site name and anyone looking for your services will find my scathing review first. Please take note and have a swell day.
I just watched katie, Katie Couric’s talk show. It was about adoption. It made me think of an amazing story about a birth mother and son that worked together at a Home Depot, but never knew they were mother and son. I think I saw this story years ago on Oprah. When I tried searching for that story, I came across this story. My heart is broken for Alyssa’s adopting family and her birth mother. Tears are streaming down my face. What a tragic ending.
I am a birth mother from Wisconsin. My daughter was born at Cedar Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, California. She is twelve years old. I always wonder what she is like, how her voice sounds, if she knows that she is adopted, if she is going to look for me, etc.
Dear Shannon,
I just wanted to tell you that your 12 year old daughter will want to know you. It is very important you make sure you file any legal papers that are required in your state or the state she was adopted in, so when she turns 18 she can find you. Get your information out there with the web, so she might be able to also locate you. You are her roots. Adoptive parents are thankful to birth mothers. They just want the opportunity to love a child everyday in their home and live a life of growing up together. They will have many things they want to share with you, and many pictures, but they also want to love you for you gave them a gift they consider most precious and who they would stand behind in all situations, and that would include you as an adult in her life.
Claudia, Thank you for posting your thoughts about this and the video. I was not able to see her video at the service but heard about it. After reading your perspective of things, I pushed back the lump in my throat and pressed play. It was hard when I saw just the momentary glimpse of her face… It’d been years since I last saw her. It was hard to read some of her words twisted with an unexpected reality. However, although you may view this as a sad or morbid thought, I’ll put it out there. What if through this sad accident, through no fault or intention of anyone, she actually got to meet her mother that sad night. What if, her mother was also a believer in the saving Grace of Jesus’ death on the cross, and also through some situation out of her control, she too found herself in the presence of God? Could it be that they are in heaven now celebrating and praising God together?
And if her mother is still alive, there is still the hope too that the day will come that they will be found in His Presence, praising Him.
I look forward to the day when I can reunited with Alyssa and others who have gone before me and worship God in the most wonderful place. Together again.
Of course only God knows where we will spend eternity but I have hope that I will see her and others there someday.
Ruthann, I see you are commenting on here. If you see this, I would love to touch base with you.
Hi Sarah,
Actually, Terry and I also, have had the same thought. Alyssa was so focused on meeting her mother. The story was to be published on the Sunday before she died, and she had put the information about the video on her facebook page. She was anxiously waiting for opinions. She shared her hurt that family had not commented on her video creation at a family birthday party on Saturday, and the dissappontment of not seeing it in the paper. We were anxiously waiting to the next Sunday to see if her interview would be in the paper. It also turned out that family members didn’t comment, because they had not been on facebook all week. All these dissappointments she felt,days before she died, did make us feel like God had reached down and said,”I know where your mother is and it is time to meet her and come home to me.” We always shared with Alyssa, what we knew about her birth parents. The family attended a Pentecostal Church, so we knew their faith in Christ was active, and they stipulated that Christians must be the adoptive parents. We knew that Alyssa’s birth parents cared about each other,and were quiet humble people, like Alyssa. They were afraid, and had no way to provide due to their circumstances. There are many things that happened in that week of Alyssa’s death, that I look at now and realize that God was giving us special time together. What hurts the most, is that I was looking forward to a weekend visit and the opportunity to offer her better support,in more that one way, as I felt I had been too preoccupied and tired earlier to give my best during the other two visits that week. God is always teaching us. Thank-you for coming to the service and for staying. Your children are beautiful and you and your parents are always amazing in reaching out with Christian Love. Take care and God Bless,
Ruthanne Toner
[...] then there is the tragically sad story of Alyssa Toner, who died after just beginning her viral adoption search [...]