Birthmother Holidays & Adoptee Birthdays

adoptee  birthdays holiday triggersWhy Am I Depressed Every Year?

One of the things that I have learned in the many years of living life as a birthmother is that it is normal to be fighting depression at holidays and feeling sad on my adopted son’s birthday.  It doesn’t matter how hard I try to fight it off and overcome the depression and holiday blues. It doesn’t matter how great the rest of my life might be. It doesn’t matter if I consciously even remember. On a cellular level, every year like clockwork, it hits.

The Normality of  Adoption Birthday Sadness

While other people also suffer from the holiday blues, and other life issues to trigger adoption feelings during non-holiday times, a birthmother experiencing painful memories and sadness is normal on an adoptees  birthday. On the same vein, many adoptees report of feeling sad and uncomfortable on their birthdays as well.

It makes it easier to overcome this depression in some way by understanding that the adoption holiday/birthday depression is normal and to expect it, rather than fight it. Know that it is situational depression and often, will pass with the change of the calendar pages. Know that you are not alone in feeling this way.

Please, though, if you find that you cannot handle fighting this depression, please find professional help!



There Is No Escaping Mother’s Day for Birthmothers

There is no escaping from Mother’s Day.

On a day meant to honor motherhood, you can’t help thinking of the one you never get to see. You can’t help missing those who are missing from your life. Mother’s Day, like birthdays and holidays of any sort, become a time to reflect and wonder where your child is and who he honors on that day. Does he think of you? Does he wonder? What is his name and are his eyes as blue? read more…

The Adoption Pendant: Born from Kay Jeweler’s Adoption Ad Blunder

the first broken heart adoption pendant

I can’t say enough good things about the broken heart Adoption Necklace. It actually does make a great gift for adoptees and birth mothers as is one of the only pieces of jewelry I have ever seen that accurately represents the reality and truth of adoption. read more…

Don’t Put Off an Adoption Cry

sad holidays

I do not “relax” well. I feel guilty when I am not producing things, making things, painting things, cleaning, things, commenting with a vengeance, writing, building sites, networking, etc. Yet, I have been waking up past TEN FREAKING AM and then staying IN BED until NOON. Yes, really. WTF. And that’s what I was doing on Christmas Eve morning, until, that is, I started crying…. read more…

Adoption Gift Ideas; The Perfect Birthmother Gift Basket!

Adoption Gift Ideas; The Perfect Birthmother Gift Basket! 1

Forget Tollhouse cookies, show her you really care by baking your birthmother unicorn poop cookies. It’s really just a sugar cookies recipe, BUT a bit more crafty. Maybe you are not the crafty adoptive mom type but, let me put to you this way, she made you baby and I don’t care how you cut it, placenta and amniotic fluid is way messier than some flour on your granite kitchen island, so get over it and get baking. read more…

Public Worries and Celebrations; The Adoptee Birthday

Rainbow birthday Jello shots..perfect for adoptees birthdays!

Today, I shall find reasons to celebrate. My son was born 26 years ago today and though was separated from him for 19 years and 111 days until I saw him again, his birth is known and celebrated among many people he doesn’t know. A whole community thinks about him on this day and it was his birth that started it all. read more…

Day 14 of Adoption Activism; NAAM2013 – Engage with Portrait of an Adoption

Day 14 of Adoption Activism; NAAM2013 - Anti-adoption

Introducing What “Anti-Adoption” Means to A New Group of Folks & hopefully reframe the concept of being “anti -adoption” in a way that is palatable for anyone who wants what is best for children and mothers and parents overall. These are very important conversations to have especially when they can reach a wider audience with many who have never even had the reason to think this way before. read more…

Searching for Adoption Healing and Birthmother Advice

Birthmothers need magicdust and glitter to heal form adoption relquishment

It’s bad enough that the adoption industry is still promoting that somehow it is OK to relinquish a baby to adoption and that the long term effects of relinquishment on birthmothers does not exists despite all the scientific research to the quandary. But by putting the impossible task to “healing from relinquishment” on the actual birthmother; they are also setting her up to fail. read more…

Adoption Poetry: “Fallen Angel”

Redeemed by adoption relinquishment

This is adoption poetryI put the wings on they gave me
Woven of diaphanous words
“Gift giver”
“Selfless”
“Angel”
They kept me aloft for awhile
Where I hovered above my son and his family
Their voices murmurs far below read more…

Searching For Birthmothers on Huffington Post Live & AOL

AOL home page 11-16-12

I had NO IDEA that was going to happen, but it did. Ok, more exposure, right. Good for the cause and education of the masses. I ignore the stupid comments. I ignore the stupid comments. I ignore the stupid comments. Yes, that s a mantra for me, but please feel free to educated the masses. I guess they had the headlines messed up as well and I was supposed to be divorced three times?

Here’s some doozies:

“Cute, real Cute.. This is a Prime Example they have BIRTH CONTROL Girls Like her Should NOT have Children in the 1st place! That is what she should be read more…

It’s a Birthmother Halloween

Halloween 2012 D'Arcy style

While I do get to see more moms in one sitting, I usually have to wait for a conference or the Adoptee Rights Demonstration for such numbers. This was our party, at my house! We didn’t have signs around our necks or take a group picture or anything, but I was ridiculously excited. We were not out numbered. We didn’t even every really talk about adoption. We were normal. read more…

Father’s Day and Paternal Abandonment

Missing my Grandpa

Suffering a Serious Lack of Grandpa’s Around

I won’t be sending my father a Father’s Day card. I won’t be talking him out to dinner or buying him a Father’s Day gift. My children will not be making him goofy pictures telling him what a great grandpa he is. He doesn’t know their names. He has never seen them. My children do not have a grandfather.
In fact the ONLY one who really has a real active in your life Grandpa is Max. There. That is the one thing that adoption actually gave my son that I could not; a grandpa. ( though that’s not 100% true; Max would have had real memories of MY Grandpa who only passed away in 2000 when Max was 13) Garin’s paternal grandfather passed on before he was born and Rye, who technically could produce THREE possible Grandpa’s ( horrible step father – who is now thankfully dead, bio father – I met him once when he came to our wedding, and current step father- who doesn’t really go out of his way to bother with my kids) …no grandpa’s.

While I have long come to terms with the lack of a father read more…

Adoption: Broken Ornaments

Adoption breaks Christmas traditions

Somewhere, in another state, another tree that I will never see, holds pieces of my family’s heritage. I imagine that nursery schools in Massachusetts also help young student create gifts for parents out of glitter and handprints, popsicles sticks and finger paints. I can only imagine the proud joy of my 4 year old son placing his tissue wrapped creation under the tree. It might have said “mom” on the tag, but it was never meant for me. read more…

When a Signature Changes Your Life: Relinquishment

My mistake allows my son to be discriminated against as an adopted person in the state of Massachusetts

I’m in the midst of it all: Adoption Trauma week or better known the Season of Max.

So here it is; it’s November. The week from hell. Trying to remain “normal”, but feeling so very tightly strung up as if I could break or snap at any moment. Tired, impatient, restless, annoyed, teary, over excited, sad.

Friday: Finish another long week, and promptly get into a stupid agreement with Rye over stupid paint colors. The whole evening was…stupid. I cry ridiculously hard; sobbing. It’s the argument, but it’s not. It’s not just an overreaction, it’s November. I can’t fight it.

Saturday and Sunday: I lay low. I try to relax, be kind to myself. I don’t watch football with the guys; I indulge in Law and Order repeats, I play Stronghold with Tristan. But it is lurking on the back of my mind.

The days tick by, November 11, November 12, November 13….

By Sunday, I know what I am doing pretty much every part of the day, 24 years ago. Max was due the 12th. I went into labor the morning of the 13th. I remember waking up, being in the bathroom, getting dressed, going shopping, read more…

Adoption and Halloween

Where the Wild Things Are Max Costume

It’s no secret that I LOVE Halloween.

We spend weeks decorating. Seriously, I used to control myself until October 1st, now it’s back to school and get out the Halloween boxes. I actually spin the spider webs on my porch like a spider would. It takes me hours. I don’t even think Martha Stewart does THAT! Ok, she does, but mine ARE SERIOUSLY way MORE BETTER!  I have more backlights than a LSD den in 1972. I broke my arm hanging Halloween decorations and that has still never stopped me though everyone yelling at me to get off the ladder gets annoying. OK. I know they just care.

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Finding Normal; Visits with Adopted Siblings

Brothers and Sister needlessly separated by adoption.

Maybe it just had to be like this. No advanced planning, no time to think, no opportunity to worry, wonder of second guess; just a chance to hit the road and once again, begin the journey back to Boston, back to my son. Could it be that I was actually going to Boston for a work function and my son, relinquished, searched for, found, and now four years into reunion, was meting us to watch the kids for me? A child care crisis gives adoption reunion a new name: NORMALITY

That it was the day before Mother’s Day and officially, urg, Birthmother’s Day made it only the more sweet. read more…