Adoption Feelings

Me, in my plane, coming back form the adoptee rights deomnstration

A Birthmothers Life August 27, 2013

Recalculating the Grays

At the same moment that I relished that feeling, I hated it. The second, I felt that I was doing exactly what I should have been doing, I wished I was on a different path. The confidence that I have found my true calling in life makes me curse the God’s that placed me here. I wonder in amazement that I am living a life of value and then I shudder with dread. In two seconds, I can be so sure, and then all at once wish more than anything else that I was lost in bland life of mediocrity. It’s my almost daily struggle as a birthmother.

I don't have a problem with the idea of adoption, it is what adoption has become!

Adoption Info Graphics August 25, 2013

Not Anti Adoption

I don’t have a problem with the IDEA of adoption. I am not ‘anti-adoption’ What I have a problem with, is what adoption has BECOME. And what it has done to people.This isn’t how it should be.

Adoption reunion control your own happiness

Reunions & Support July 30, 2013

Finding Happiness in Spite of Adoption Reunion Issues

There is that classic saying, “you can’t change another person’s actions or feelings, but you can change how it affects you.” I think that is really important to remember in an adoption reunion. No matter how much we might want another person to think and feel and usually more importantly act, we cannot make that happen. No matter what you do, what hoops you jump through, the emotional gymnastics you attempt, you cannot change which you cannot control. If life was controlled by forces of sheer will alone, this world would be a much different, though I don’t know if necessarily better, place.

A Birthmothers Life, Guest Posts July 29, 2013

Summer of Love

The setting is unmistakably Hawaii, and Shelley and I, classic 1968: blond and tan in our stylish mini-dresses, the telltale bulges of early pregnancy thus far absent from our slender frames. We were girls waiting to become women, my friends and I — eighteen years old, but girls nonetheless — on the verge of grown-up lives that we could not yet envision.

It will be Ok in the end, if it is not ok, it is not the end.

Reunions & Support July 26, 2013

What Does Work in the Adoption Reunion?

Truthfully? I have no idea. What works for one reunion might not work for another. The measure of what makes an adoption reunion successful really does depend on the parties involved and how they measure that success. Are they both satisfied with the measure of contact? Are they both getting what they need out of the relationship? Are the interactions relatively “healthy” aka not destructive to the other party? Again, so many variables, so many different personalities, so many different experiences, differences in timing, in support; how is one supposed to make heads or tails?

Reunions & Support July 24, 2013

Ways to Ruin an Adoption Reunion I

It often seems like a birthmother does not come out directly and say NO during a reunion. Of course, there are too many that do, but then there are a whole slew that just seem to fail miserably in the process of an active reunion. Meaning, on the outside, birthmother and adoptee have some contact, but due to her own damage, or expectation, or limitations, or personal boundaries and fears, over years and sometimes decades, the adoptee finds that the whole relationship feels unsatisfying. I completely understand that what one part might find “acceptable” in a reunion, the other party might really be left wanting way more. Let this go on for too long and what was an initial “yes” can turn into a ” I can’t take this anymore”.

Adoptees searching for reunions

Reunions & Support July 23, 2013

What is a Successful Adoption Reunion?

Let’s face it ; we all love a good adoption reunion story. The media loves a reunion story. Most people off the street love a reunion story. In AdoptionLand, we especially enjoy hearing that another family separated by adoption has managed to beat the industry rules and find their way home. We marvel at the similarities and “near misses”. We get teary eyed seeing the cries of joy and the airport hugs. Yet, what happens after that first contact, that first find, that first phone call, that first hug is really where the determination of “success” comes into play.
So what does an adoption reunion look like when it works?

Adoption Reunion Rejection

Adoption Research & Statistics, Reunions & Support July 21, 2013

Numbers in Adoption Reunions; How Many People Get Told NO?

I have had a few people tell me that I should stop saying it because by perpetuating that reunion rejection by a birthmother is rare, then it sets up adoptees for disappointment when they are rejected. I can understand that. Yet, as I tried to explain, the factual research that I have available DOES really indicate that less than 1% of relinquishing mothers opt for no contact when given the choice.Of course, we do face the fact that any adoption research is never 100% accurate due to the fact that there is no one agency that oversees or even counts the numbers of adoptions and would enable the entire population of people affect by adoption to be counted.Yet, I would say that about half the adoptees I know struggle with have an nonexistent or unsatisfactory relationship with their found mothers. Why such a difference?

Rainbow Fart flavored adoption Kool-Aid

Adoption Koolaide & Birthmother Denial, Cultural Views on Adoption July 20, 2013

Don’t Poke the Rainbow Farting Unicorns on Twitter

Now, we must remember she is a former ABORTIONIST PROFESSIONAL, so she’s must KNOW better than I about things like MY LIFE. Especially as there must be GOD on her side!
Please tell me what to do. After all, I have had many years of training being a “good birthmother” Yes, yes, perhaps I just need an adoption Kool-Aid booster shot? Give it to me, Abby! I’m just JONESING hardcore for that Adoption Kool-Aid! Yum..Pro-Life flavor!! My fav-o-rite!

Birthmothers should not throw other birthmothers under the bus!

Community, Rants and Raves June 18, 2013

Shameful Sisterhood: Advanced Birthmother Shaming 201

To each and every one of us who has known the pain of empty arms, I am sorry that you have been hurt in this way by the adoption industry, but let us keep focus on those who have hurt us, the adoption industry, not those who suffered the same fate. Yes, you have your own feelings, your own story, your own truth and your own beliefs. They are yours, they have a place and you have a right to share them. However, we cannot dilute the strength of one, but should add to it. We should not be screaming to be heard, but taking turns lifting each other up in support. We should not be angry when another’s views are different, but understand that each mother has different resting places along the journey. We should not begrudge mother who chooses to use different tools or uses different language especially when we have the same common goals, a share vision.

The Boston Bombing COuld HAve Been my Worst Fears! Not Knowing...

A Birthmothers Life June 8, 2013

Birthmother’s Nightmares

Every time there is an unspeakable tragedy on the news, a tornado, a building collapse, a fire, a school shooting; birthmothers across the country who think their child might have physical ties to that place, worry. We worry because we do not know and many have no way of finding out. If something terrible would happen, I would wait and wonder forever. Maybe my child did get hurt during hurt Boston marathon bombings? I would never know.

The Bible Has Adoption all wrong

Cultural Views on Adoption, Rants and Raves June 4, 2013

How the Church Views of Adoption and the Bible are all Wrong

I have just read so many Bible verses about Orphans that my head is ready to spin. And almost ALL of them are not just about the CHILDREN, but include the lines “the Widows and Orphans” or instead speak of “the fatherless” meaning , I would assume, single mothers. So how come devote Bible quoting folks can so easily IGNORE the word of God that clearly says CARE FOR THE WIDOW? How come only the CHILD’s soul is worth saving? How come we can’t save the mother’s soul too?
I would think that “Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Child” falls in there. Right? So if the Bible says to not desire to TAKE the widows child, and to help her, perhaps save her soul too? Especially, one would think, when the mother/widow has “chosen life” and should be rewarded somehow for not having the evil abortion? Like isn’t she half way there already?