You don’t deserve to be a mother…

Just Because You Can Get Pregnant Does Not Mean You Deserve to be Mother.

Adoption is not bad! Just because you can get pregnant does not mean you deserve to be mother. I do not think that issues such as being unmarried should play a role in your choice though. But i do believe that at times adoption can be the best solution for a child. Growing up in extreme poverty is not what a child deserves.Also they need to reform who gets welfare, I am tired of paying for people who just have kids. Many people see this as a free ride ( not EVERYONE of course)

This is a comment that someone found the need to make after seeing my video Lost and Found.

One adoption story, MY adoption story..not generalizations, no posteurization..just me and Max…condensed into 4 minutes. and to that, I get a heaping spoonful of ignorant stereotyping. Sometimes it is too easy to fool ones self into thinking that things are changing. I mean, they are.. more and more people “get it”, but then you get trout smacked with a huge dose of dumb and I realize that we still have so very far to go.

I wonder what makes a person “deserve” to be mother? What makes a person “worthy” of assistance?

I can’t but help to look at the way our society looks at things in general. We value money and things. Not only do we value them, but we look up to the people who have the most money and things. And there seems to be this common unspoken understanding that these people who have, well, they got to where they are, they things that they have, because they worked hard for them..so they deserve them.

Maybe it’s part of the whole American mythology? That streets are paved with gold, that it is the land of plenty and that if you work hard, in America, you can be anything you want. You can have anything you want..you just have to work hard to get it.

Of course, someone like Paris Hilton throws that whole thought process out the window, but I diverse.

Those Who Have Less, Are Just Lazy

If working hard is the key to success, then it stands to reason that one must assume that the people who have not are just not working as hard as the rest. Lazy fuckers..they deserve what they get. Right? The poor? They must choose to be poor. After all we all know a good story of someone who grew up in the worst of the some project and kept their noes clean and broke the cycle..proving that it can be done. Their success and happiness is deserved..and the rest of the folks left behind.. must be more lazy fuckers. It’s America.. you reap what you sow.

If it only worked that way for real…we wouldn’t have Ms. Hilton thrown in our face every way we glanced and their would be a whole bunch of Mexican restaurant workers riding around in BMW’s and Italian loafers going to Hollywood parties.

Now, motherhood…yes, it is work to be pregnant. It might not seem to be work to get pregnant, but ask any woman in the midst of morning sickness or fighting pregnancy fatigue while running after a two year old and taking care of a house..or ask the next ready to pop waddler you see in the supermarket if making a new person is work and she will tell you yes.. if she doesn’t throw her shoe at your first. But, really, most of the true work of mothering comes after the baby is born.

So we really can’t apply the “work hard = deserved happiness” formula to becoming a mother… because let’s face it: babies come from SEX and SEX is usually just for fun. So somehow, the fun part negates the act of becoming pregnant unless one is planning to become pregnant ( and then, I hear, it’s more like work..I never had to deal with that issue at all being hyper fertile).

So let’s look at this statement again:

Just because you can get pregnant does not mean you deserve to be mother.

I can counter with the “Just because you can become pregnant means that you most likely WILL BE a mother”, but that’s almost too simplistic. So again, we are stuck on the “deserve”.

What Makes a Person Deserve to be a Mother?

If it’s not enough for them to CREATE the life that MAKES them a mother, then is it enough for them to WANT to be a mother? Did they have to PLAN to become a mother? ( in which case like one third of our own mothers didn’t DESERVE it. I know *I* was a surprise..my own mother told me and chances are 1/3 of you fit in the same boat). Does the act of ENJOYING the SEX make one undeserving? How does rape fit in then?

Or is it back to money and things.. that a deserving mother makes sure that she has all her money and things in order first? So she works hard FIRST and then she gets to work hard being a mom after? That’s pretty much what I get from not only these kinds of comments, but from the NCFA, from the hundreds of adoption professionals, etc. You just got to be responsible and manage your fertility until you have all your ducks in a row and deserve to get pregnant and be a mom.

And that, getting into the mythology of what makes a good mother, means you have to have the pre baby career, the house, the perfect Mr. Right ( think about it.. we tend to blame the chicks that get knocked up by jerks as “should have known better” that he was an cheating fool, or an abusive turd, etc…). All the good things, that good hard working Americans CAN get if they work hard because that is the American way.

So if you don’t have all that stuff.. then you didn’t work hard enough or long enough and you don’t deserve motherhood.

So the poor (because they are lazy fuckers or they would not be poor) don’t deserve to be mothers. The young ( even though our bodies reach their physical prime in our late teens and early twenties in regard to baby making) don’t deserve to be mothers. And if we bring in the whole planning aspect, then the “opps…i forgot to take the pill..i didn’t know this medication would cancel out my birth control…damn the condom ripped..omg where’s my diaphragm..no means no or in my case…oh, that’s why they took the sponge off the market” mothers all do not deserve to become mothers.

I bet you that’s a heck of allot undeserving mothers out there. And I doubt that all them are off beating their kids right now. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if you went asking that YOUR mother might fall into one of these areas..or your grandmother..or your Aunt or even the best damn mom you can think of. They didn’t deserve it..just because they got pregnant..but they rose to the occasion and WERE mothers.. and did the best they could.. and they made due with what they had?

Yet, that is not an American value that we honor?
Nope, too busy keeping track of Paris Hilton..coz she works so hard for what she has. Yeah.

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Stay tuned for the next post were we discuss what a child deserves.

About the Author

Claudia Corrigan DArcy
Claudia Corrigan D’Arcy has been online and involved in the adoption community since early in 2001. Blogging since 2005, her website Musings of the Lame has become a much needed road map for many mothers who relinquished, adoptees who long to be heard, and adoptive parents who seek understanding. She is also an activist and avid supporter of Adoptee Rights and fights for nationwide birth certificate access for all adoptees with the Adoptee Rights Coalition. Besides here on Musings of the Lame, her writings on adoption issue have been published in The New York Times, BlogHer, Divine Caroline, Adoption Today Magazine, Adoption Constellation Magazine, Adopt-a-tude.com, Lost Mothers, Grown in my Heart, Adoption Voice Magazine, and many others. She has been interviewed by Dan Rather, Montel Williams and appeared on Huffington Post regarding adoption as well as presented at various adoption conferences, other radio and print interviews over the years. She resides in New York’s Hudson Valley with her husband, Rye, children, and various pets.

12 Comments on "You don’t deserve to be a mother…"

  1. Oh, Claud.

    Why are people so cruel and so dumb at the same time.

    This hurts.

  2. A significant number of mothers who place their children for adoption are placing them because of a disability on the part of their baby, whether it is Down’s Syndrome (very common for these babies to be placed) or FAS because the mother drank too much during pregnancy. The numbers of perfectly healthy infants placed for adoption are at an all time low. Most have some type of disability.

  3. “Significant”?? Really? Like what perxcentage of the aproximate 14 to 15K per year of domestic voluntary relinquishments???
    And can you please pony up your source fgor said info becasue this is huge news to me.

    My gut is to dismiss this as a “blame the mother” ploy especially in light of the “she drank too much during pregnancy” bit, but I will amit to my ignorance if you can link to the facts. Or I’ll shall have to do some digging and debunk it myself.

    But, I got things to do..so if you could please..would love the source.

  4. Poverty has so many stereo types that seem to fit hand in hand with adoption.

    When people generalize a whole group of people it degrades us all.

    If only people knew that living on welfare is not a choice – that welfare pales in comparison to how much adoption is funded by tax dollars.

    How dehumanizing going thru poverty and being treated like a breeder giving away puppies.

    Last time I checked – we are all human first and foremost. No one is more eligible to be a parent than anyone else.

    And to that person who commented – you can tell her i raise my daughter as a single parent on 9 grand a year. At least my child knows WHO SHE IS and THAT SHE IS LOVED AND WANTED.

    Some things in this life are priceless.

  5. so much ignorance, so little time to fight it.

    I’m sorry Claud that you seem to be the recipient of these cowardly people. They don’t even leave their name, which means it is harder to hold them accountable for their prejudices.

    Well, Anon, maybe if you were a mother who placed a child for the reasons you give, then you could speak from personal experience. However, significant number is hardly a scientific number, and really doesn’t mean anything. It also doesn’t really relate to anything Claud was speaking to.

  6. Rickie Solinger, reproductive justice’s favorite social historian, wrote a whole fabulous book on this very subject: “Beggars and Choosers: How the Politics of Choice Shapes Adoption, Abortion, and Welfare in the United States”.

    A wonderful gift for the Ignorant! Available now at fine bookstores and libraries near you!

  7. To keep baby Elise in the world since her birth, four weeks ago, it has taken a village. Perhaps even two villages. You see, she was born without a left atrium and ventricle in her heart.

    The village at Stanford has included hospital staff, surgeons, doctors, anesthesiologists, nurses, phlebotomists, play therapists to help siblings cope with the situation, volunteer art docents and animal caretakers who also keep siblings busy while parents are spending time with the newborn, food workers, scientists, lab workers, and literally countless others. It has also included peers, more volunteers, more food workers, more work from grant writers and foundation workers affiliated with the Ronald Mc Donald house nearby.

    The village here – the one that cares for Elise’s older sister, Abby, in her parent’s absence has included several families and individuals. Two primary families, ours and the Mc Mahans, have taken Abby into our homes, fed her, clothed her, bathed her, read her stories, tucked her in, dried her tears, put her in touch with her parents each night, and driven her to/from Stanford to see her family. Another woman, Catherine, picks her up and drives her to school. Still another, Anna, takes her to softball practice. Others, Leanne and Alena have agreed to transport her to Stanford on two upcoming weekends. After that, we will begin down a list of people who have signed up to help this family out.

    This will go on for the next three months, solidly. Then, when the family brings Elise home, Phase II will begin, wherein meals will be provided, and assistance to the family will change to one of support, here … until they return, again, to Stanford for another extended stay, another surgery for baby Elise. Then, a few months later, another.

    My friend did not want to be pregnant, to say the least. She’d thought herself infertile five years ago, after multiple fertility treatments and, in the wake, had decided that having only one child was best for their lifestyle. She was not happy about the unplanned pregnancy and, upon being told the baby had a severe heart defect that would have far-reaching effects, she considered termination.

    So, some would say she didn’t deserve this baby. Yet, the moment this baby was born, her mommyness kicked in (as I knew it would, knowing her), and she and her child’s daddy have been at their baby’s side constantly, in support and adoration, as they hover over her gaping chest wound, left open because of swelling. They are wonderful parents.

    If my friend hadn’t had a wedding ring on her finger, it probably would have been different. My husband, our daughter, and I would have been part of her village, but I don’t know if that would have been enough, given the needs involved. For some reason, that wedding ring made it easier for some people to stop using words like “deserve.” For some reason, it made it easier for some to get on waiting lists to help keep this family in tact.

    I try not to let the irony get to me, when I remember nearly two decades ago – when, lacking a ring, I also lacked the village that often accompanies it.

    Instead, I focus on Elise’s precious little face, the way her eyes flutter in recognition when she hears her mommy’s voice … and words like “deserve” recede into a hollow distance. I know now that such words have no place in so tender, vulnerable, and poignant a scene.

    T

  8. Well, Claud, I didn’t intend to write a book in your comment section. (Just got back from Stanford, and was so struck by it.) Also, it occurs to me I sound kind of self-righteous in talking about caring for Abby. The point I’m trying to make, among others, is that this is what a village can do: Care for each other, attend to each-other’s day-to-day needs, temporarily, until the family unit can come back together.

    T

  9. T, you may feel free whenever your heart desires to write such a book as your comment. It is percisily those kind of stories such as Elsie’s the not only provide a perfect example and make it all the more personally an human, but also show that indeed, if we care enough, that it is possible.

    We need more villages that care about families..not just profit. I wish you had had your village when you needed it.

  10. Deserve is an unfortunate word that gets used about adoption and single-parents.

    I am a special-needs adoptive mom. I happen to have the medical know-how and desire to work with kids with certain types of disabilties and when I became aware of a child in foster care that needed a forever family, we decided we’d do what we could for that little boy and that we would love him forever and were prepared to fight for and demand only the very best medical treatment and support for him.

    No, I am not his first mother, heck, I am not even his second mother given the foster care system, but I have promised him that I would love him unconditionally and every day, no matter what. (No, I am not infertile, no he was not an infant, but yes, I am an adoptive mom and yes, my title comes at another woman’s expense.)

    Now, I think that it is unfortunate that one word is used for three distinct types of processes. Private domestic adoption is very different than public domestic adoption or international adoption. While I will always respect and be grateful to my son’s birthmother, what she did to him, which resulted in his being taken into custody and being carried through the foster care system was horrible. She did not and does not deserve to be his mother because of how she abused him. No child, no human being should suffer as he did. I don’t know what was happening in her life or how or if she was abused as a child, but my son must live with the consequences of her poor choices, even if she made them due to events in her own childhood. Still, at some point, the child that cannot defend himself must become the priority and I am grateful that child protection stepped in.

    While, as much as I grieve for her and her loss, my son deserved parents that made him the priority, that recognized that he was disabled and didn’t hide him away because of it or deny that he was blind and deaf. My son never deserved to be struck or punished because he didn’t respond to verbal requests or know not to touch things. Still, even though she treated him badly and caused him significant suffering, I am sorry for my son’s birthmother and, while a closed adoption is both mandated by law and in my child’s best interest at this time, I send pictures and half of the school projects that my son brings home because, if it helps her even slightly, I would never choose to punish her for what she did. Loosing the child that I have come to love beyond anything must have broken her heart, even if her actions meant that she was not fit to parent him.

    My only real point is that, just as there are various types of adoption, there are various types of birthmothers and adoptive parents. One word is supposed to define us all, but doesn’t.

  11. “Just because you can get pregnant does not mean you deserve to be mother”

    and just because someone CAN’T get pregnant doesn’t mean they deserve to be a mother either; via purchasing someone else’s child…

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