One cannot annul the fact that one was given up by one clan and taken in by another; one can only see the consequences of that fact in a new light that illuminates what happened in a healing way. Betty Jean Lifton, Journey of the Adopted Self
One of the most common questions asked of adoptees is why they search for their biological family.
Our response to that question is WHY NOT?!
Should adoptees not be allowed the same equal rights as every other human being on this planet? Why would we not want the same information about ourselves that you do?
Adoptees are denied the basic information that non-adopted people take for granted. I have compiled a list of reasons from many books, blogs, articles, and social media comments that I have read over the years along with the basic questions I always had growing up.
Who Am I? To help me complete my identity and sense of self.
Who are the two people who created me?
Did they stay together after I was born?
Did my father know about me? His family?
Where did I come from (city, state, country, region)?
What are my roots – ancestry, culture, nationality?
Who do I look like?
Whose voice do I have?
Who do I take after?
Do I have any siblings?
Do I come from a large or small family?
What traits, skills, and talents run in the family?
What were the circumstances surrounding my birth?
How did my grandparents react to the news?
Why was I given up?
Was I wanted or unwanted?
Where was I born?
What time was I born?
What was my mother’s pregnancy like?
How long and what type of labor did she have (easy, hard, etc.)?
Who was with my mother when she was in labor?
Was I early, late or on time?
Did my mother see me or get to hold me?
How much time did we have together?
Did she get to tell me goodbye?
What happened to me between the time I was born and the time I was placed in my adopted home?
What was life like for her after I was born?
Was it easy to go back to life as usual or did she have a hard time?
In what ways was her life different after my birth?
Did she ever think of me over the years?
Did she ever try to look for me?
Did she marry and have more children later?
What is my medical history?
Do any diseases run in my family?
What were the causes of death for my ancestors?
Are there any birth defects in the family (important to know when having children)?
What is the average lifespan in my family (long or short lives)?
Put an end to all the lies!
To answer all of the unknowns and unanswered questions.
To put together all of the missing pieces.
To know my COMPLETE history.
Because I don’t know anything about myself.
To feel complete.
To finally have closure.
To be at peace.
To end the haunting emptiness.
Innate primal need to search/tribal instinct.
To reconcile the sadness of what I lost.
To feel real.
Can you for just a moment stop and try to imagine living your entire life without having any of this knowledge about yourself?
The hurtful, dismissive and callous comments from non-adopted people about adoptees who search is very hard to comprehend. They say things like we are being disloyal to our adoptive parents. We should be grateful for the wonderful lives we had. But you were chosen! You just need to get over it. You are stuck in the past.
In March of 2015 my birth state of Ohio became an open records state. Just weeks after receiving my original birth certificate, a piece of my identity that had been behind lock and key for almost 50 years, I had a disagreement with a friend. Instead of discussing and resolving what had happened she went for the juggler by hitting my deepest darkest wound. It was intentional. She knew what she was doing. In recent days I had told her about the events of opening day in Ohio. I told her about the community of Ohio adoptees that was forming online and what was unfolding with their searches. I talked about my blog and how I was finally finding purpose in all the pain and that it was finally being turned around, redeemed and used for good to help others. My story finally had a purpose! I told her how I was working on a manuscript of my story and was looking at self-publishing options. My life was finally making sense. I had finally gained peace and closure for the first time in my life. I was sharing the deepest recesses of my heart and soul with someone I considered one of my dearest friends. Yet that was her reaction to an argument that was totally unrelated to adoption.
You are supposed to be able to share the most important things in your life with the people you are closest to, but in my friends defense this is actually typical behavior that adoptees are accustomed with. When we start opening up about how we feel about being adopted, our experiences as an adoptee, or searching for our biological family it is not well received.
Suddenly these people who know absolutely nothing about what it is like to be adopted are experts on the subject. They say things like I know so and so who is adopted and they never talk about their adoption. Being adopted doesn’t bother any of the adoptees I know. The adoptees in my life aren’t curious about searching. Really? Are you sure? Because adoptees are the worlds greatest chameleon and people pleasers. The majority of us keep our feelings about being adopted to ourselves and don’t go around talking about it.
The message sent is there is something wrong with an adoptee that searches.
We become labeled as angry and bitter adoptees with a bad adoption experience. People assume only unhappy adoptees search. They assume we are trying to replace our adopted family.
That is absolutely not true! In fact whether or not an adoptee had a positive or negative adoption experience has nothing to do with searching or not searching. Searching is about finding our truth, identity and taking charge of our story.
Searching and reunion and two different things. Searching does not guarantee reunion. Reunion and any relationships that develop from the search are a perk and added bonus.
Truth can be dealt with and processed. Lies and not knowing eat you alive.
Search is about peace, closure, knowledge, freedom and empowerment.
Why should we be denied the same basic information about ourselves that every other person on planet earth takes for granted?
Adoptees what are the reasons that you searched? How did the people in your life respond to your search? Please share your thoughts in the comments.
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