What’s in a Word: Birthmother
I was asked to write a piece about why mothers who relinquished children to adoption might be upset by the use of the word birthmother by Adoption Mosaic. 700 words on a topic I know quite well, so I said no problem. And then I struggled. About 16 revisions later, and with the deadline looming, I sent off what I THOUGHT was my final version and headed to Texas for the Adoptee Rights Protest. I had sent version #12, but they liked it and I didn’t HATE it, so that is what is printed in the 2011 Fall issue of Adoption Constellation magazine. I believe it’s only the print copy!)
This was MY final version.
We are Told That I am a Birthmother
I did not choose this definition for myself. I was given, taught, introduced to this word by the adoption agency I had gone to. I went into adoption knowing I would come out as a birthmother, but I did not know the history of the word at all.
Years later, I found that the first known use of the word “birth” as a descriptive and identifiable adjective for a woman who has lost her child to adoption was attributed to Pearl S. Buck in 1956. It was not an wildly adopted term.
What the Adoption Agency Did Not Say about Being a Birthmother
The agency did not tell me how post Roe verses Wade the adoption industry was suffering. With changes to society and the acceptance of divorce and single parenting, no longer could religious institutions, maternity homes and gossip fearing parents ship away their pregnant daughters to shame them and remove the evidence of their illicit sex. The supply of babies was drying out and like most business, adoption turned to market research and rebranded. They interviewed women who had relinquished to find out what they didn’t like about adoption and they picked brains to learn how to make adoption more appealing to pregnant woman. Then, they changed the business model. No longer could the adoption industry shame women into giving up their babies, now they had to convince us it was our idea and a very good one at that. That bit was not shared with me either.
By the time I relinquished in 1987, they had a decent well oiled machine in place and I “choose” adoption. The adoption experts were telling us that “birthmother” was a respectful word. I believed them because I trusted the adoption professionals. The question, I did not ask for many years was Birthmother is respectful to whom?
I had no idea that birthmother a manufactured term that was unleashed upon the adoption industry during the 70’s. Packaged at “Positive Adoption Language”, or PAL, the change in terminology was first introduced by a social worker. Since then it has been embraced by the adoption field and has become what is known as “Respectful Adoption Language” or RAL. The official word is that the changes in language “acknowledges the thoughtfulness and responsibility of birthparents who make an adoption choice. Negative adoption language tends to judge birthparents harshly or portrays them as victims.”
I would have denied it at the time, but in many ways, a birthmother is a victim. I was a victim of life, dysfunction, poor choices, a demand, societal pressures and of my own fertility. I didn’t plan this happening to my life. Can you imagine hearing a 6 year old child utter the words:
“When I grow up, I want to be a birthmother and give my baby away for adoption”?
Of course not.
No One Ever Wants to Become a Birthmother.
Why would they?
In order to be considered a birthmother a woman is asked to willingly endure, for the sake of others, the ultimate of sacrifice; the separation of a mother and child for eternity. It’s rather a desperate act and represents a dark time in one’s life. Not just a word, but a life’s decision with irrevocable and unforeseen complications. This simple “positive” word changes one’s life forever.
Before the rebranding of adoption, people used the words “real mother” when asking about the woman who gave birth to the adoptee. The words “natural mother” were listed on countless legal court documents and relinquishment papers. This use of terms upset adoptive parents. If the other woman was “real” then the implication is that the adoptive parents were fake. If the other mother was “natural”, then the adoption was “unnatural”.
While the adoption industry might have realized that they needed to appeal to pregnant women to maintain the supply of babies, they also needed to keep the prospective adoptive parents happy. After all, they were they paying customer.
So with birth, comes the separation. Becoming the woman and you are separated from your child. After birth, after adoption surrender, the word keeps the lines of separation drawn. How many times have I heard, “Anyone can give birth, but to be the real parent..”
What Do We Hear When You Say “Birthmother”?
There is a huge silent “ONLY” that lurks before the word, probably just like the silent “UN” imagined before “natural”. Fostered by the very industry that contributed to the darkest days in our lives, we are reminded that we are not THE mother, but ONLY the body that gave birth because it makes everyone else feel happy.
The very same industry that told us that we would “get over it” and our babies would have the “best” lives and be happy, coined a phrase and insisted that we embrace this social identity to “define an individual’s place in society”. Yes, the word birthmother defines the separation of us from society and from our babies, but only based on other legal creations. The separation does not happen in one’s heart, in one soul. The signing of some legal piece of paper cannot, no matter how they might brand it, truly make us NOT be mothers.
The minute we give birth, we become mothers. While I did not parent my son, but my role never ended at birth. Now, understanding the history of the a word manufactured to make others benefit from our loss, from our misfortune; this word represents a legacy of separation. It represents continued oppression. It has been said:
“The PC [political correctness] movement exists not in order to improve the well-being of those whose oppression it purports to combat. Rather, its purpose is to wrap its proponents in a kind of verbal comfort-blanket.”
Many birthmothers are not comforted by knowing that they were used by a profit driven industry that caused life long harm to themselves and their families. We do not find that we are empowered by a word given to us by those whose jobs were to take our babies. And we do not accept this as our role in society.
As quoted from Julia Penelope: “Language forces us to perceive the world as man presents it to us.”
For many women who have surrendered to adoption, we cannot perceive the world of adoption as the industry wants us to and when you call us “birthmothers” you assist, even unknowingly, with that oppression.
I know that by writing against using the word Birthmother, I seem terribly hypocritical since I use the word Birthmother all over the blog here. There is a reason for that: Google Search Engines. If I was to write using the terms preferred, such as MOTHER ( which is what I consider myself for ALL my children), then due to Adoption language and SEO, this blog could not be found by the people who need it.
It does suck that sometimes we must use “birthmother” to be understood or found. My kids have three mothers each, so I often have to modify which one I’m speaking of. But when it comes down to it, when I say, “her mother…” about one of my kids, I mean, you know, the–ahem–real mother.
I read a good article once that suggested the word “mother” be reserved (in a legal sense) for women who have given birth, while the word, “parent” could be used by other people the mother designated (and could include her if she chose, as well). I liked that idea.
I love my kids. My kids love me. It doesn’t matter if anyone calls me a mother or not. I’m happy to reserve that term for their…mothers.
It’s the damn least I can do, frankly.
“The words “natural mother” were listed on countless legal court documents and relinquishment papers. This use of terms upset adoptive parents. If the other woman was “real” then the implication is that the adoptive parents were fake. If the other mother was “natural”, then the adoption was “unnatural”.”
Those were the correct words, natural and real. How about just MOTHER, because that is what we became when we gave birth and that is what we still are. I don’t care who’s sensibilities it “upsets”. You can’t erase the truth. The adoptive mothers are just that, ADOPTIVE mothers. Of course, everyone gets so upset when that is said, but have no problem calling us BIRTH mothers. I am not a BIRTH thing. I am a mother.
Here, here Claud! I too use the b-word, even though I hate it, because it’s necessary for clarity in the general, uneducated public, and for those who need us to find us.
Re: how the word can be misunderstood. At a writer’s conference several years ago, I was pitching my memoir to an agent. I said something about being a birthmother. She said, “what’s that? does it mean you have babies for other people?” I stammered and replied, “well, not on purpose” before explaining further. Goes to show…
Claude, excellent blog and well taken points. I also hate the B-word but having been involved in the newspaper business, I know very well that we sometimes have to use words that the majority of people understand to make a point. We can gently try to educate them as to the significance of certain words while doing it (as you do) but if we go off on too much of a tangent insisting people use what we believe has now become pc language – they tune us out as condescending or angry and bitter and therefore not worth listening to.
And the issue of search engine optimization for terminology when we wish to get our messages out is a real one in this age where more and more people research and get their information and news on every topic including adoption, on the internet.
I am not a BIRTH THING either. I am a mother. If I have to call myself anything related to adoption I have chosen the term “Original Mother”. But sometimes more explanation is necessary and the B-word is the only one people understand.
Wow, I find the very fact that this b word thing is so concerning, very self absorbed. After all, isn’t the process of adoption about the child, not you? If a child has a mother who raises it and a mother who gave birth to it, doesn’t it makes sense, that since your role was to give birth, that you would be called birthmother? The fact that you gave it up for adoption, is no ones fault but your own. Stop blaming the world for the choice you made.
Anonymous (assuming that you are an adopter, here to once again speak for us when no one asked you to) right above me, why don’t you take your holier than thou, narcissistic, self entitled self and go back to your fantasy land of thinking you are the one and only mother/ parent to the child you covet. You aren’t. That is why you are here, berating and denouncing the pain that others have lived in losing their children to adoption. You have some nerve. My role and so many other’s was not limited to just ‘giving birth’. When a child is born, a mother is born. Don’t be jealous that you did not give birth to the child of someone else you covet. Moreover, SELF ABSORBED? The process of adoption is SUPPOSED to be about the child, when a young vulnerable woman gets conned and coerced out of her own flesh and blood by an industry (and their paying customers) that tells her she is doing the right thing. More often than not, it is about the adopters and what they want. I hear many adopter say they want what’s “best for the child”, when in reality the want what’s “best for them”.
Blaming the world? Very funny you mention that. How many adopters blame the world when they get pregnant with the “why poor deserving, better than that lowly birth mothers of the world me” can’t I get pregnant when everyone else can!? “By god, someone best give me their baby NOW, because by god I deserve it!!”. I bet you told “your birth mother” how special, wonderful, selfless, and the like she was, when you were helping yourself to her infant. Now, you are on a natural mother blog doing your best to dehumanize and degrade those of us who made it possible for the likes of not so deserving you to become an ADOPTIVE mother.
Let’s talk about that term for a bit, shall we. Adoptive mother. How concerning is that A word to you, adopter mother? I bet you cringe when someone calls you and adoptive mother and stop them in their tracks to tell them that YOU, oh mighty adopter are the one and only true mommy to someone else’s child! You and you alone, right? WRONG. Without her, there would have been no infant for you to covet and no child to call you his adoptive mother.
People like you sicken me.
And by the way, adopter, if something comes out of my body, it is mine, of ME, not yours. Your money can’t take that away. Every time that child looks in the mirror, it is not you they see, it is their natural parents. Get over it…
Fact: You, for whatever reason were not able or allowed to raise your baby. Your baby needed someone to raise it. You are angry at the wrong people. Please get therapy.
FACT: This is a discussion about the use of a word.
FACT: Words define our experiences, who we are and how we are seen.
FACT: The word birthmother was not self determined by those who would wear it, but by the very industry whom it benefited.
FACT: The adoption industry if profit driven, unregulated and often coercive.
FACT: MY child did NOT NEED another family to raise him. My role was to be a mother.
FACT: Signing a piece of paper did not unmake me a mother. I’m still his mother; that’s biology and nothing can change that.
FACT: I am angry at the adoption INDUSTRY and that is what I strive to hcnage.
why didn’t you raise him?
Why don’t you READ her blog, instead of trolling around natural mother blogs and being judgmental, threatened adopter?
I spent hours writing the story of ho my pregnancy ended up as adoption relinquishment, and it’s a bit too long for a single comment. If you want to know, please feel free to read.
Thanks, I will read it.
FACT: For whatever reason you mistakenly think you are/ were entitled to someone else’s infant, who was young, scared and vulnerable. You weren’t.
FACT: For whatever reason you probably made off with the infant of someone else and cut that child’s natural mother out of the picture faster than it took the ink to dry on the adoption papers, when you promised her you wouldn’t. (Oh wait, I know the reason. You are jealous, possessive and threatened by your adopted child’s natural mother because you don’t and never will have the biological bond they have).
FACT: YOU need to get therapy for your narcissistic personality disorder. Why are you trolling natural mother blogs? Threatened much? I wouldn’t fathom trolling adopter blogs. I can’t stomach them.
?
?? Is what I say. I don’t get people who try to denounce the truths that mothers write about in regards the pain of losing their children to adoption; like it is nothing and we should just suck it up and “accept” our fate. I will never accept the fact that I was coerced and conned out of my infant with lies and false promises.
That is what bothers so many out there in blog land, that we are speaking out, allowing our voices to be heard. That makes some mighty uncomfortable, as evident in comments by the adopter above…
And by the way, I will add something I have read many times:
One option = No choice. Thanks.
???
Looks like the troll now wants to play stupid.
??????????
I’m thinking that it’s not the “troll” hence the confusion. That’s the trouble with being “Anonymous”. I do suggest that people pick a name, even if it is not your real one, to post. It makes conversations a heck of a lot easier!
I get that women who give up their child to adoption suffer great pain. The problem I see with you is that you are lashing out at an entire industry and adoptive parents everywhere based on your unfortunate experience. Yes, I am an adoptive mother and I do respect the decision that the “natural” mother of my children made. She was a grown adult with 3 children of her own. I have always viewed her as very brave for making the decision that SHE thought was best. I would never make assumptions that every woman who makes this decision feels the same. I just have a problem with the fact that you have so much generalized hatred towards adoptive families who step up and raise these children who need a home. BTW, I think you have two different Anonymous commenters here. I wish you no ill. When I decided to adopt, I have done everything that I can to learn about emotions of adoptees and “natural” mothers. It is my philosophy that you must always respect the family of whom the the child originated from, because iif you don’t, then you disrespect the child as well. We are open with our children and wish that their natural mom would want to see them, but she doesn’t and that makes me sad. I thinkmthat they would benefit greatly from knowing her.
You sound so condescending. Spare me.
It wouldn’t sound condescending, if your maturity level were higher. You need to seek therapy for your anger. Good luck.
And like I told you, you need to seek therapy for your narcissistic personality disorder. She was and is condescending. The “just because you had a bad experience doesn’t mean everyone does” line is getting old. This post was about a term that many find offensive, BIRTHMOTHER, not about what good adopters you are.
By the way, adopter, you call it “anger”, I call it “righteous indignation”. It seems to me you are a bit “angry” to troll first mother blogs in your pathetic attempt to denounce what is said. I never frequent adopter blogs. Ever. Did you seek therapy for the anger you have for your infertility? Hypocrite.
and just because I don’t kiss the feet of the mighty adopter and glorify and agree with everything she say’s, I am ‘immature’? You are so ‘mature’ in your pathetic attempts to denounce the pain others speak of in losing their children to adoption though, aren’t you? Like I said, spare me.
I’m very curious here.. can you please.. adoptive mom anonymous.. (I’m calling you Ashley) how it is that you came about the conclusion that I have this hatred for adoptve parents?
My first thought is that you obviously don’t know me very well or have been over to the blog for a very long time. In which case, I have to say that you are generalizing on who you think I am and basing judgements on assumptions.
Let me be very clear. While there ARE some adoptive parents that make choices, say things, treat birthparents or treat their children in such a way that I don’t LIKE them as people, there are also adopted persons and mothers who I don’t adore either! That’s very different as I feel about adoptive parents as a whole. I like to say that I AM an eternal optomist and I actually DO beleive that people mean the best nd have good intentions. That actually included people who adopt.
It is my very strong belief that the adoption INDUSTRY (which I do NOT like) exploits adoptive parents just as much as it expoits the pregnant and the adoptees involved. As the paying customers, the adoptive parent sare in many ways the MOST important party for the agencys to keep happy and make feel good. They have the money and therefore the power. Not only that but you KEEP the power, as opposed to the birthmother, whom, after she signs the papers loses of her control. If the adoptive family has a good experince with an agency and leaves feeling happy, then they are more likely to refer freinds and return for the next child.
Anyway, my point is that in my mond, YOU and I, are on the same side.. AGAINST the adoption industry who IS profit drive, often unscrupulous, unregualted and does not prepare ANY of us for the realities of life with adoption.
This all makes sense to me. I don’t understand all the hating and rage from the other anonymous person directed at adoptive parents.
Sad.
and I don’t understand their hatred and rage towards the natural mothers of the children they covet, as shown in the way they dehumanize and degrade them, so were even.
I don’t have hatred or rage towards the natural mothers of my children. I have love and respect for them.
She makes good points, your hatred and pain colors your ability to see reality.
And your jealously and hatred for the natural mother of the child you covet colors your ability to see reality, I am certain. There is nothing clouding my ability to see reality. I have lived my reality for twenty some odd years, adopter extraordinaire. You and so many like you can’t stand the fact that we are speaking out. You like to call us angry, out of touch with reality and bitter; when in REALITY you need to look in the mirror and you will see all of those things staring right back at you.
Hello, re the deeply offensive term ‘birthmother’ I prefer to use the term blood-mother. You can’t get more close than blood and I hope the adopters of my baby can never forget that it’s not their blood so therefore not their real son. I harbour great animosity towards the strangers who got my perfect son to call their own. The children of us bloodmothers will always feel ripped off – and they were, and so were we. There are no valid reasons that will ever convince me that desperate strangers were more entitled to raise my son that I, his mother, was.
Blood-mother. I like that. My good god that would really make the adopters crazy. Anything but “Birthmother” usually does. Desperate strangers were not more entitled to raise you son.
I know I am in a minority among Birthmothers, but I do not find the term offensive. While I didn’t want to grow up and place a baby for adoption, I also didn’t want to raise a baby on my own and am thankful for adoption. I have been surrounded by adoption all my life- cousins, nephew, aunt and best friend all adopted and well adjusted- so adoption is not a negative thing at all in my life. Like I said- I know I am in a minority in not seeing the term negative, but I thought I should at least represent some of the birthmoms out here that are completely comfortable with the term and in fact proud of it.
<3
The idea of terming someone’s mother, adopted or not, as anything else other than mother ignores the most important point: the terms are there for the child. The thought that you’d want a child to grow up not being able to call their mother “Mom”, but to have that be the term for the person they can’t even see or meet, is a terrible idea.
Did your mother teach you to walk? Yes? So did mine. The one that taught you right and wrong? My mother did too. The one you called when broke in the University they helped get you to? I called my mother. Who cares if she’s not the one that gave birth to me.
I thank the mother that gave birth to me, I feel terrible about why she would need to, but my life has to go on. I have a mother, the years she spent on raising me, guiding me, loving me, earned her that title.
I’m not sure if your comment is regarding the actual POST or addressing the comments, but I’m going to hit is anyway.
I’m not sure where you got the idea that this post is saying ANYTHING about what child chooses to call their adoptive mother. That’s not my story. That’s also not my call. And in fact, I don’t believe that call belongs to ANYONE except the adopted person/child. I know adoptees, like yourself, who feel their adoptive parents earned that right and those that don’t. I know adoptees who consider their natural families to be the ones of value and those who rightly have reasons based on actions to be not so complimentary. Their story, their families, their choice of words, THEIR rights. Yes, those terms are there for the child.
MY rights are to determine HOW I CHOOSE to be labeled. And IF I choose to carry a label, then do I UNDERSTAND where that came from? Mom is not the issue. It is the prefix “birth” that is under discussion. Birthmother is NOT a term made for YOU, the “child” ( I am assuming you are not a child, but an adoptee.. so only a child in the eyes of the law) Birth mother is a term created for the INDUSTRY to mke it easier for YOU to transferred as a commodity, your parents to feel good about it and your mother to know her place.
And I do care, very much, about those I gave birth too. They do too. For some it matters as is THEIR right to determine. My oldest son has two women he calls Mom because that is HIS reality. See.. self determination; not mass conformity to fit a system 🙂
i am a (b) mom and no, i do not like the term, but use when absolutely necessary. my son was adopted at birth – It was a closed adoption and i did not see my son for 19 years. When we met – not only did he say that it was the happiest day of his life but his mom told me that too. He called me mom from day #1.. I dont refer to him as my (birth) SON, i refer to him as my son – because that IS what he is. He and his mom do not refer to me as his (birth) MOM because i AM his mom and he and myself dont refer to his mom as (adopted) MOM because she IS his mom…seems easy enough to me.
I love my son’s mother, she loves my son as if he were born to her, she is an amazing woman, kind and gentle and guess what? she loves her sons mother too – two mothers who love and respect not only their son but also each other. just amazing if you ask me.
I do not feel a need to label her as adoptive mother – because she IS his mother and i am secure in the fact that she raised our son to the best of her ability and she was given the gift of my son to adopt and become her son also. She respects that and would never try to take that away from me. I did not just BIRTH my son – I carried him for OVER 9 months (he must have been very comfortable inside me). I talked to my son every day in my belly, i sang to him, read stories, rocked him and spent much time apologizing to him and convincing myself that this was the “grown up” decision to make – i loved him with all my heart and without me – his MOM – there wouldnt be HIM. Mother is not a “title that is earned” it simply IS WHAT IT IS – and no one, no label, no anything can change that.
i do understand that we are very lucky to have the type of relationship that we all have together.
Both of us (moms) have the same persons best interest at heart, first and foremost – but mutual respect and honestly loving our childs mother with as much force as we both love our child – i believe THAT is where the healing begins for all involved. And yes, alllll of us “need” healing.
Yes we do. Thank you from a Mom… by way of adoption.
Yes, thank you from a Mom.
As an adoptee, I have stuggled with this concept! I have always used the term “birth mother” or “biological parents” and they both just taste gross even coming out of my mouth, but I really don’t know what else to say?
I am not in reunion with my…you know, the one that birthed me!…but plan to start searching when I feel like I am more emotionally able to handle it.
So I wonder, what do I call her?! Is first name totally unacceptable?? Would that be really offensive?! It is my goal to read as much from (sorry gotta use it) birthmothers out there to try to understand their thoughts & feelings. This seems to be a pretty delicate area, and I want to tread lightly if need be.
I don’t call my mom my “adoptivemom”she is just my mom. …so I suppose it doesn’t make any sense to use “birthmom”
As an adoptee, I would just like to say the term “real mom” is pretty much a no-go for a lot of us. As adoptees, we often feel torn between our two moms. Like we have to pick a side. Like we have to walk on eggshells because we dont want to in any way hurt the two most important women in our life. And hello, because we have rejection issues and don’t want to mess up and be rejected again! And the idea of one mom being the “real” mom totally diminishes the importance of the other woman, whichever side it may be.
“I gave birth to her so I’m her real mom!”
“I raised her so I’m her real mom!”
Please please please stop that.
“I had no control over who gave birth to me or who raised me…please don’t make me decide which one of you is ‘real’!”
Hi Morgan,
Don’t know if it helps any, but I firmly believe that YOU get to make the determination of what feels right for you! As you say.. you had no control before and it is at this point that you should be able to define what it all means for you. ( not saying that it is clear or that you KNOW what it means or that it won’t change, but it’s YOUR call)
Plus there is a difference over what we call a generalized group, verses what we call the individual people in our own relationships. Like I consider MYSELF my son’s mother. He has another mother too. He has chosen to call me Mom and that’s just perfect in my world. When I speak or write I identify myself and the group as “birthmothers’ for clarity and searches, but think us as mothers. I have freinds that use first mom for themselves, so I call THEM first moms. I know adoptees who call THEIR birthmothers “the maternal source” or “that bitch” and THAT’S” Ok too, They don’t mean ALL birthmothers they are identifying THEIR relationships base on their truths. Some adoptees I know call THEIR adoptive parents “mom an dad” and some call them the “parental owners” or those “assholes”.. again, it’s THEIR relationships and THEY get to define them.
I think most moms are aware that being called “mom” again is huge and will more than happily accept it ( if they accept reunion etc). But we are conscious that a first name is also a strong possibility. If one is capable and happy about a reunion, what you are called… as long as you are called.. usually doesn’t matter. Though for many, eventually dropping the birth modifier is nice. But that again, is something that should be worked out between the two so both are comfortable.. it’s just an honest way of navigating the weird reunion pitfalls and challenges.
lol Parental owners- I love that! I don’t use the birthmother word myself. I find that it changes the whole picture (in a real way) to call my mother, my mother.. and my adoptive mother, my adoptive mother- because that’s who they r.
I want to mention though, in respect for the child I was, that having been taken from my mother at only 2 days old, the birthmother word had an intensely personal, almost sacred feel to that grieving little girl. 9 months, and that act of giving birth was wot made her my mother- and was the one thing my parental owners did NOT own… It almost hurts me to hear the venomous response to it by others (despite the fact that as an educated, out of the fog, adult, I understand wot a con that word is in context).