I know that sometimes, it seems we are hitting our heads against the brick wall of adoption. Here we are, so few at times, in the trenches, so to speak, with peashooters against the mighty industrial adoption gaint machine.

BUT …there is a purpose. Granted the over all goal of many is a complete reform of adoption as we know it, but until that day comes, there are the small sucess stories. The everyday moments when one of us touches the lives of another person in this world..and with our words, our stories, a miracle happens. So they really aren’t so small. To the person we have effected, they are huge.

And so, I thought for a moral booster, it would be great to be able to share one that just happened this week.
What we do: sharing, talking, supporting, warning….it works!!

So I want to share a few bits of an Email exchange I have had the last few days from a young woman who I got into contact with on a board and referred her to the blogs..our words:

Thanks for posting and giving me the heads up to read it as well as the blogs of other birthmoms. This experience is much needed – before I found this board (last week!) I was all ready to give my baby to someone who couldn’t have their own and “admired my strength and courage”.

….. I have already changed my mind from reading what you had to say as well as seeing some of the stuff on how open adotion is not as ideal as they try to make it sound….then comparing that with some of the things that had been niggling at me but I was too lost in idealism to realize.

I am glad you found me on the board – I needed to hear your story – and I am also an adoptee so I needed to wake up and realize some of the things you mention on your blog too, about how even when you think you are giving your child to somethign greater, just by bonding with them and then giving them away you are causing an emotional tear – maybe not a real obvious one but sure as I grew up being adopted and not knowing my mom had a real affect on me – in ways i will never be able to name and count. particularly since she did keep me for 8 months before relinquishing….so alhtough I have no memories of that time – it had to have been hard.

also on your blog – you mention there is little out there written by birthmothers or speaking out against adoption in a situation where a parenting plan could suffice. I really feel this is something you will do – and are already doing – with your writing. I really feel your story needs to be published, and maybe a book written and published with journals of people on all sides of the adoption spectrum. I would love to work on something like this, too – for even having the close call I did to thinking my own child is better off without me really shakes me up and motivates me to try and help mothers experiencing unplanned pregnancies.

I like how you are no bull**** about how you feel and who you are – even a memoir of your goth days in 80s New York would be a great novel – I felt alot of similarity between your story and mine – although I grew up in a much smaller place and another decade later…I went through all of that alienated youth stuff too – and although I thought I was striving for cool I was really slowly killing myself with a lack of self respect and control…and giving myself to people who could \give a **** less about me.

To stop rambling, I am glad you found Max, I am glad he is coming to see you. Coming from an adoptee viewpoint (I left a comment on your blog to this effect as well) I Always thought of my birthmom as my real mom – I always thought of her with love and wanted to find her someday. When I did find her I felt connected and comfortable with her right away. I think I did drudge up alot of pain by asking her who my father is and to see pictures of myself as an infant, but she was happy to oblige.

Sorry if I go on too much but I guess I have alot to say lately. ….I am due on June 21. Its unbelievable the transformation I have gone through in the last week – I am now happily rubbing my baby belly and as I lay next to my son I can feel the kicks going on inside andI only have warm feelings about both of my children rather than the fear and anguish I felt before.

Of course you can share – sucess stories are great! I would be happy to share with others, too…and give back a little of the encouragement I got. No one told me before I reached this board that I might be able to parent my child – that it might actually be better for me to. And I sent those questions, btw, the ones I originally wrote – to my prospective apaps – they refused to answer them saying they were too personal – that I asked them things that even their families don’t know and they’d prefer not to. That was a cincher there – I felt like – F*** you! I am not feeding my baby to the hungry, rich open adoption machine.

When I first read about open adoption it seemed so innocent and wonderful and somuch better than what i could give my child. Now it seems scary, evil and wrong.

And yes, your comment about the bmom club being a lifelong membership with no wayout was what really got me –

And you know what, I am calling MY birtmother today, as we have not spoken in about 5 years, but I finally paid 10 bucks to one of those people search thingies and track her down again. I feellike I have a renewed understanding and compassion for what she is going through….

Well I am a rambler lately, I will talk to you later – you are awesome. Have a great day…

YEAH, so worth it!!