How the Real World Sees Adoptees, Adoptive Parents and Birthmothers
In the adoption community there are tons of conversations about “educating” the general public about adoption. Depending on how you are adoption affected, what you think needs to happen will be very different.
Adoptive Parents want people to accept their families built by adoption and complain about the stupid questions people ask like ”Where is her real mother?” There is also many conversations about how the public should respect the birthmothers for being so selfless and brave to make such a courageous choice. Adoptive parents are the saviors who took in another’s child.
Adoptees are suppose to be happy and grateful that they were somehow saved from either ” ending up in an dumpster” or ” from being aborted. Adoptees are “lucky”. They are suppose to just accept life that they are given and not care about their medical history or the fact that they are discriminated against by the government who denies Adoptee Rights. Adoptees who search should be “happy with the parents they got” and if they do search, even our government expects them all to turn into stalking identity thieves.
The general public likes to blame the birthmother’s pain on her own irresponsible choices. She is punished for her fertility and the sexual drive that got her pregnant in the first place. I can’t how many times I have heard “well you should have thought of that before you spread your legs”. Our pain at being separated form your children is because we deserved it and, let’s not forget, we all would have abused our kids anyway or lived our poor lives on government assistance.
Basically, unless you are actually adoption affected, and even then, only if you have done your own research and homework, most people have no clue about adoption.
Read More about How Cultural Views of Adoption Are Wrong
Forced adoption is a drastic step; there aren’t words to express the trauma it causes to all concerned. It surely should be preserved as a last resort, a final call for those cases where children are in grave danger and need a fresh start. In the case of loving parents who also happen to use illegal substances there are almost certainly much more appropriate methods to help, if help is required.
She is not a saint. She is not a whore. She is a woman faced with one of the most awful concepts a mother can imagine: the willing separation of one’s child for life. Saints or sluts are not real. They are labels use to dehumanize the relinquishment experience. Both are used to separate the birthmother form the rest of the population and create impossible social contracts from which any person, birthmother of not, cannot continue to love within. The saint cannot admit to the pain and the slut does not deserve to feel the love. Polar opposites and not realistic for anyone. Not helpful for anyone. Not healthy for anyone.
The justification of adoption relinquishment was out in full force. You would think with all these people caring about her making the “right” choice, there would be more cries of concern questioning these adoption practices that pushed the known boundaries of even the most common adoption industry tactics used to separate mothers and children. How can she be “brave” if we don’t really even know the first thing about this girl? If her earlier, now removed tweets, were any indication upon the thought patterns of her choice, she was obviously immature and acting like this whole pregnancy was about as exciting as a trip to Disneyworld.
The latest batch of pro-adoption propaganda, “What’s Mine is Yours”, by Katherine Nelson and Deanna Harper, has set a “beautiful” song that highlights the pain and suffering of infertility while promoting adoption and glorifying relinquishment. But with this song and the simplification and romanticism made of the relinquishing mother, Katherine Nelson leaves out millions of real mothers who have suffered a real loss of living, breathing children, many now gown adults. And often this trauma was inflicted by the hands who those claim to want others to understand; women who should be able to appreciate the true longing to be mothers. She promotes a false cure, a band aide, in adoption, by glorifying the very need that claimed so many of our children.
As a country, we need to accept that no matter how much an individual might “want” something, it doesn’t mean it is ethical, moral or right to create people and then transfer their basic ties to their identity. The biggest losers here are the children.
Where Is All This Birthmother Cake They Speak of? The mysterious “Birthmother Cake” that birthmothers all expect to feast upon. Somehow, people actually believe that being separated from one’s child is easy and maybe even selfishly pleasurable? Pardon my pun, but do they think that relinquishment is actually a cakewalk?A mother is suppose to give her children away to more deserving parents, dry her tears, buck up and move on. She is suppose to leave the adoptive parents alone and “get over” herself.
Now, it’s considered OK for the potential birthmother to answer an ad, but she cannot place one, because then she is selling her baby. But, in reality she IS selling her child, she’s just not getting a good deal since she is going through the middle man. Yet, as a society we are outraged that a mother might consider getting something monetarily in exchange for her child.
I had NO IDEA that was going to happen, but it did. Ok, more exposure, right. Good for the cause and education of the masses. I ignore the stupid comments. I ignore the stupid comments. I ignore the stupid comments. Yes, that s a mantra for me, but please feel free to educated the masses. I guess they had the headlines messed up as well and I was supposed to be divorced three times?
Here’s some doozies:
“Cute, real Cute.. This is a Prime Example they have BIRTH CONTROL Girls Like her Should NOT have Children in the 1st place! That is what she should be
I would undo it, I would change it, but I can’t. Yes, I regret that I let my son be adopted. I know no one held a gun to my head and no one, in my case, forced me to sign those papers. I know that I had my reasons at the time and they are perfectly acceptable reasons and common to adoption practices to this day. In many ways, I know that I was an ideal birthmother and I admit, over and over, that I was visibly a “content, peaceful and happy” birthmother for many years. I am aware that I sent myself away; I plucked the idea of adoption out of thin air, and I presented it as a solution to my friends and family.
We see the messages that mother who keeps the child that she can ill-afford is considered irresponsible. The mother who needs public assistance is considered a freeloader. The mother who gets pregnant again too soon should “know better how babies are made”. The mother who is too young and unwed should have “thought about the consequences before she spread her legs”. The single mother raising her children is “breaking the fabric of the American values”.
This whole election has just made me feel HATED for being a women and I am just having trouble understanding it. I have trouble understanding we are having these conversations with the other side. I have trouble understanding WHY there even IS another side!
This year I will be “celebrating” my 25 year anniversary of being adopted affected. I have been a birthmother for 25 years. Smack dab in the middle of all the pro-adoption hoopla is my “Gotcha” day. I usually say that I would just like to sleep through the whole damn month and frequently, I do end up hiding or at least staying off line and NOT dealing with adoption.
Possession is nine point nine tenths of the law when it comes to child custody and contested adoptions. While dads try to understand this new reality of hell, try to find legal help, funds, and information; stumbling over punitive father’s registries, state paternity filing dates and out of state adoption agencies; they just sit back, and wait for him to get so defeated, so tired, so overwhelmed, that he just goes away, beaten. Just keep fighting.
Huge said: “So you are an anti-religious bigot. What about the millions of women who regret killing their baby for the rest of their lives??? What about all the of women that are maimed and ruined for life by being pushed into killing their own child? Do you really think mass abortion is a sound choice for birth control when so many other methods are available? I think you hate yourself and other women.”
Kathleen Ja Sook Bergquist, Ph.D. Assistant Professor, Illinois State University, School of Social Work. M.S.W., Norfolk State University; Ph.D. in Counselor Education, The College of William and Mary Domestic and international adoption legislation and practice has purported to take into account the “best interest of