We all worry. We all fear so much that we will lose what precious little we have managed to obtain, that we are frozen solid in fear. Adoptees, birthmother, fathers, siblings.. all dancing to a song that we don’t known the melody to but desperately tying to sing along hoping we don’t step on another’s toes.
Grace grew up knowing not only she was adopted, but, was also informed by Kay, the woman who adopted her, that if she didn’t “behave herself”, her adoptive father, Charlie, would “send her back to where she came from”.
When any adoption agency neglects to acknowledge and meet these needs, it is the right of THE constituents of the adoption community to refuse allegiance to the agency, and to insist upon the establishment of new agency approaches.
Starting on July 1, 2014, Washington State adoptee 18 and older who were adopted on or before October 1, 1993 will able to request their original birth certificate with the passing of Senate House Bill 1525, minus, of course, the dirty nasty contact veto.
There is that classic saying, “you can’t change another person’s actions or feelings, but you can change how it affects you.” I think that is really important to remember in an adoption reunion. No matter how much we might want another person to think and feel and usually more importantly act, we cannot make that happen. No matter what you do, what hoops you jump through, the emotional gymnastics you attempt, you cannot change which you cannot control. If life was controlled by forces of sheer will alone, this world would be a much different, though I don’t know if necessarily better, place.
Truthfully? I have no idea. What works for one reunion might not work for another. The measure of what makes an adoption reunion successful really does depend on the parties involved and how they measure that success. Are they both satisfied with the measure of contact? Are they both getting what they need out of the relationship? Are the interactions relatively “healthy” aka not destructive to the other party? Again, so many variables, so many different personalities, so many different experiences, differences in timing, in support; how is one supposed to make heads or tails?
It often seems like a birthmother does not come out directly and say NO during a reunion. Of course, there are too many that do, but then there are a whole slew that just seem to fail miserably in the process of an active reunion. Meaning, on the outside, birthmother and adoptee have some contact, but due to her own damage, or expectation, or limitations, or personal boundaries and fears, over years and sometimes decades, the adoptee finds that the whole relationship feels unsatisfying. I completely understand that what one part might find “acceptable” in a reunion, the other party might really be left wanting way more. Let this go on for too long and what was an initial “yes” can turn into a ” I can’t take this anymore”.
Let’s face it ; we all love a good adoption reunion story. The media loves a reunion story. Most people off the street love a reunion story. In AdoptionLand, we especially enjoy hearing that another family separated by adoption has managed to beat the industry rules and find their way home. We marvel at the similarities and “near misses”. We get teary eyed seeing the cries of joy and the airport hugs. Yet, what happens after that first contact, that first find, that first phone call, that first hug is really where the determination of “success” comes into play.
So what does an adoption reunion look like when it works?
Do you know adoptees searching, either using the Facebook images, preferably with many shares and attention, or willing to go social, who are emotionally ready and willing to go public? Who really needs the help with exposure? Who can handle the sensation filming? Who can represent?
Every time there is an unspeakable tragedy on the news, a tornado, a building collapse, a fire, a school shooting; birthmothers across the country who think their child might have physical ties to that place, worry. We worry because we do not know and many have no way of finding out. If something terrible would happen, I would wait and wonder forever. Maybe my child did get hurt during hurt Boston marathon bombings? I would never know.
WHO: Hudson Valley Adoption Support Group
WHEN: 1st Thursday of every month
WHERE: locations change, please confirm
BONUS: You get to hang out with me!!
Healing Adoption Wounds seminar offers the opportunity to identify deep wounds and challenges, and use creative expression and spiritual practices to foster healing. Created and facilitated by Craig Hyman and Patrick McMahon.
WEBSITE: Inside Out Adoption
Inside Out Adoption Comes to the New York City Area!
WHO: Inside Out Adoption
WHEN: Saturday, March 30, 2013 10:00am until 6:00pm
WHERE: Evan B. Donaldson Institute, 128 E. 38th St., New York, NY 10016
WEBSITE: Inside Out Adoption
Elizabeth gave birth to a baby girl in January 1970 during the first two weeks of January and her daughter was relinquished to adoption. The adoption, like most during that time, was closed with no telling where her daughter went once she signed the relinquishment papers. It is hoped that perhaps her daughter has requested her non identifying adoption information form the state of Florida. If you are in the age range of 42 and female adoptee from Florida who is searching, please compare to what the possible non identifying information might hold.
Since apparently birthmother blogs are lacking in recipes, I’d like to change that up. In early appreciation for all in Adoptionland, I offer you my mother’s stuffing recipe. It’s insanely easy and seriously some of the best stuffing you’ll ever have. For me and I’m pretty sure for my brother too, it’s better than best..it tastes like home. It tastes like love.