Support and Advice for Amelia’s Mom

Keep Your Baby!

I received an email yesterday, that I am sharing here. I would not normally do this, but I think that in this case, words of wisdom need to come from more people than just myself. It’s one thing for one person to offer advice, but it’s different if many give the encouragement and support.

I know there is a small chance that the whole story is made up and perhaps someone thinks they are sneaky and is digging for information to use against me. I don’t care about that. Have fun it that’s the case. My advice would be the same no matter what. Plus, I really don’t believe that to be true. I am leaving out the new mother’s name and the date of the baby’s birth to be safe. 

I’m sorry, new momma, I hope this does not break a trust you have with me to hear your secrets, but there are so many who have words of wisdom for you. I just want you to have that full range of advice and the strength of the community behind you. It is my only hope that you can hear what people have to say..both mothers and adoptees alike… so we do not have to welcome you our sad world.

Your blog is the most honest experience I have come across yet. Your description of your departure from the hospital and the many sleepless, tormented nights alone resonates. I gave birth to my first child, a beautiful girl named Amelia, on the this February. She is with her new adoptive parents as I write this, and although I am certain she has every chance of happiness with them, I feel like my soul is falling out the bottom of my feet. I have only been a mother for a few weeks, and already can’t remember living without her or loving someone with such a fierce passion.
There is no one who can possibly know the blackness of this despair and loss – until I read your blog I was beginning to wonder if this howling pain was just an inappropriate reaction to a fleeting situation – even the best meaning people in my life have made me feel like any expression of grief and doubt is a manifestation of weakness. Although I may never hear back from you, I would like to express my thanks for your honesty, and for validating my experience in this hellish ordeal in a way no one else can. You have given me a sliver of the only hope and true understanding I have found from this, and I know you are touching many lives from your story. So, thank you and best wishes for your happiness and continued healing.

I replied to this lovely, but heartbreaking message, saying:

Oh. Thank you. Really thank you..I needed to hear this tonight. I don’t have to tell you that you are 100% normal…this grief.. .. I have to ask.. is it too late to stop it all? Any chance you can revoke relinquishment? It’s so soon.. and for you to understand and know this so soon..I can only hope that you can save yourself.. don’t be like us!!!! You’ll get used to it, but that place..that will lie with you forever.
I know you know that.. I am pretty sure as I write this that it is too late. I am so sorry that they got you too. But no.. you are not alone in this. You are a sister of sorrow..and though we are broken.. I can tell you that we kick ass. I don’t want to welcome you, but I will. Oh so new.. I just want to hug you and lie.. say it will be alright. Please..when it gets so dark and you feel like you can’t breath anymore.. or those moments when you really don’t want to anymore…call me

The Second Email came in today:

Thank you so much for your reply – you don’t know how much it means that you wrote back, I really wasn’t expecting that. Technically, it isn’t too late – although I have signed the paperwork, it will still be several weeks before the court finalizes everything over to the new couple. Realistically though, I don’t think I can do it. The support I need is just not there, and as much as this decision is ripping me open, it still seems like it is a better alternative to 7 days a week in daycare while I am working full time and finishing school. There is no easy answer, and although my head is telling me this is the fair and right thing to do for my baby, I have never felt such anguish over what seems to be the logical choice. I don’t know how I can live with myself over this, but really feel that like this is Amelia’s best chance…but god, I hate myself for even saying that.
Claud, I don’t even know if this should impact my thinking in any way, but several hours ago, something happened that has left a very bad taste in my mouth. Throughout all of this, one of my only “comforts” was the reassurance that the couple I had picked for my daughter were willing to keep the lines of communication open at my request, for updates and occasional visits. I have tried, like you, to be a “good birthmother” – as nonthreatening as possible, eager to accommodate at the expense of her own happiness, and stoic for the cameras. Truthfully, at the hospital, I asked the adoptive couples permission to be allowed to hold my daughter for the first time – and felt almost afraid to hold my own baby because, already, I had a sick sensation of borrowing something I had no right to. To their credit, I believe this couple has been as welcoming of me and sympathetic as possible – they really are great people, even if I am doing a terrible job of expressing that. Anyway, today, I worked up the nerve to call the couple to ask if I would be able to see Amelia one more time in the next several weeks before I return to work, and for the first time since I met them, I got the sense that something was off and I was unwelcome. From the first, my worst fear of this situation has been that, once they get what they wanted, despite all their fine words I would be turned out before the ink was even dry. On the phone, the conversation was awkward for the first time, and she said she would call me back and let me know what time would work for them. I never got a call back from her. Instead, she called the adoption case worker, as though I had done something wrong. The case worker was the one who ended up calling me back tonight to tell me that if I want to see my baby, I will have to come to the adoption agency and have her present for the visit. I feel sick – maybe I am reading into this too much, but I have that ooky sixth sense telling me to run. This situation is more complicated and gut wrenching then I could imagine, and now these doubts are tormenting me.
I would really, really appreciate your insight on this…any advice is very welcome. Knowing there is someone else who understands all too well and cares enough to help others is reassuring. Thank you for listening.

Please Share Your Adoption Advice

So, knowing what you know now; what would you do if you could go back to that time when you could still change the tides of adoption?

And my adoptee peeps, please speak for Baby Amelia and tell her mother what you could not at the time of your adoption. Tell her what you would have wanted your mother’s to do in the same situation.

Thank you in advance,


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About the Author

Claudia Corrigan DArcy
Claudia Corrigan D’Arcy has been online and involved in the adoption community since early in 2001. Blogging since 2005, her website Musings of the Lame has become a much needed road map for many mothers who relinquished, adoptees who long to be heard, and adoptive parents who seek understanding. She is also an activist and avid supporter of Adoptee Rights and fights for nationwide birth certificate access for all adoptees with the Adoptee Rights Coalition. Besides here on Musings of the Lame, her writings on adoption issue have been published in The New York Times, BlogHer, Divine Caroline, Adoption Today Magazine, Adoption Constellation Magazine,, Lost Mothers, Grown in my Heart, Adoption Voice Magazine, and many others. She has been interviewed by Dan Rather, Montel Williams and appeared on Huffington Post regarding adoption as well as presented at various adoption conferences, other radio and print interviews over the years. She resides in New York’s Hudson Valley with her husband, Rye, children, and various pets.

30 Comments on "Support and Advice for Amelia’s Mom"

  1. Adoptee here. I’m with Jacinta above – go get your baby. She will be fine in daycare, my daughter was. Your daughter is NOT better off with them and you will never forgive yourself. Your daughter may not, either. Do NOT place your daughter and yourself in that position! Read the others in Claud’s blogroll and google “first mom blog”s for more. Keep count of how many view relinquishment as a positive event years down the road. You won’t find many.

    You say you have a funny feeling about your “right” to visit him? You have no rights honey, not while they have her. Get her now or you will never see her again.

    Strong words, I know, but I don’t know how to put this nicely. Get her back now or you will both regret it forever.

  2. Get your daughter- run don’t walk. Don’t do it for yourself do it for her. I too believed that the adopted parents who visited, called and promised to love us all like family and share the love were good people. They were just cunning and manipulative. Now they are isolating and punishing my daughter for contact she initiated. She is not a happy child and has told me she has never bonded with her adoptive parents.

    I sit here at this computer and I can view the daughter I raised outside the french doors. She is happy, secure, loving, awesome and loving life and family. We USED to be poor. We are not anymore. Don’t think for a second that your money situation can not change and that you cannot build a support system full of loving people for you and your child.

    They have defeated you when you were weak. Rise up and fight for your daughter. You do not want to live our hell and you do not want your daughter to either. Even temporary foster care is a better solution.

    Years ago there was a case with “Baby Jessica”. Her PAP kept her for four years even though the family asked for her back and had every legal right to do so. She was reunited with her natural family after 4 years and did not have any bonding issues. She was happy to have gone back to her family. So I tell you even foster care is better in the short term if you need to get your life in order.

  3. Go Now!!!! I didn’t. I felt as you do 21 years ago. There was a 7 day period where I could change my mind, and I did. Every day. I called the social worker and wanted her back- EVERY DAY. The foster mom’s address was kept from me as were all last names. The social worker talked me down days 1-4 and stalled through 5-7. She was gone.
    I was promised openness- it was a lie. There were no birthdays, no holidays, and after a few years- no pictures. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!! They are in full force to protect your child now. Believe in the Mama Bear you ARE. If you feel uncomfortable with the arrangement- it’s because you are RIGHT about their intentions!
    My ONLY regret in my entire life is not living every day with her. Please be strong and don’t worry about one thing they say to you. They can’t keep your baby because they spent money on this already, they can’t keep your child because you made a deal, they can’t keep your daughter because they’re more financially stable than you. Don’t listen to a word and fight for both of your lives!!!! Your girl will be in daycare, you will work your ass off, it will be a struggle- but these will be during her non cognative years and all she’ll care about is that she is with you. By the time any of this crosses her mind, you both will be SO far past where you are today- and she will help be your motivation. Please try!!! It’s not just for her well being today- but for the rest of her life- she will need YOU! I brought home my 2 boys in the years following losing my girl- and I’ve never, EVER, regretted that!! There are already days she can never have back with you- PLEASE don’t give her more!!

  4. Dear Mother of Amelia ~ with a lump in my throat, tears in my eyes, and a broken heart, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I lost my son to adoption almost 33 years ago. I really wish that I could tell you things get better… but I can’t lie. For me, it’s gotten harder over the years. Did I think I was doing the right thing for him then? Yes. Was it the right thing? We will never know. He got a great family, a great life. But was it better than he would have had with me, with his natural family? Who knows… All that is for sure is that it was a different life than he would have had with me.

    The reality of losing my son to adoption is so much bigger than I ever imagined it would be. It is never ending, all encompassing. Every aspect of my life is effected by the loss of my son. I was less of a mother to my raised kids, less of a wife to my husband, less of a daughter to my parents, etc. You are already realizing the depth of the loss, so I guess I don’t have to tell you any of this.

    If there is ANY chance that you can still raise your sweet daughter, and you have any doubt that adoption is not the right choice, please go get your daughter. Stop the adoption now. Try parenting, ask for help, seek assistance, whatever you need to do. If you try for a few weeks, and find that it’s just not possible ~ then you can choose adoption. There isn’t a time limit to when you can sign those papers. Click on my name above, you will find my blog. Through my blog you can email me if you want to. I know other moms of adoption loss who are doing wonderful things to help new moms find the resources necessary to keep their family together. Let me know if you need help & I will get the word out!

    You aren’t going to be forever young, forever poor, forever working/schooling seven days a week, forever single. Adoption is often chosen as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. While 4 or 5 years may seem like a permanent problem, in the scheme of things it’s very temporary. A lifetime is forever. And forever is so very much longer than I thought it would be when I gave my son up…

    If it’s too late, if you are sure that adoption is the right choice for you and your daughter, I’m glad you found “us”. The other mothers I found on the www have saved my sanity. Somewhat… Nobody in my life completely gets it, it’s impossible really for anyone to get it. Unless they are living it. I hope you can find the comfort in all the wonderful women you will meet here that I have.

    Sending you some positive energy and strength…

  5. Hi Claud,

    Adoptee here, adult woman, infertile wife, non-parent, and confirmed cynic/skeptic. Like you, I hope this story is true/real. Unlike you, I don’t think it is. I hope I’ll be forgiven if I’m wrong. I doubt I’ll ever know.

    I have a lot of compassion for pain — and have a lot of my own pain, adoption-related and otherwise — and I can see a lot of pain expressed in these posts. The thing is, I don’t *feel* it. That could be because I’ve never experience pregnancy/motherhood. I have experienced a lot of loss. I lost my mother. I lost my whole family and heritage when I was ‘re-homed’ in the experiment called adoption. Nothing hurts me more.

    I don’t know… something just doesn’t seem right here. (Of course, if the story is completely accurate there’s plenty that’s not right, too.)

    I am fiercely protective of my own mother and, by extension, all mothers of loss. I worry all the time that her wounds will be reopened by some careless remark (even, or especially, by me) or her loss revisited on her from some outside source. I know (because she has told me) that she is especially sensitive to others who do — or potentially might — suffer as she did, through losing a child to adoption. That very sensitivity has been used against her, deliberately, in the past.

    I can’t help but wonder if this is like that. I really don’t know. I hope I’m not out of line for saying so.

    The one and only thing I can point to that makes my ‘hinky-meter’ go off is the rather prolific use of esoteric phrases (ones that I only learned/became accustomed to through many months and years of exposure to adoption-grief related blogs, websites, support groups, etc.) by a mother of only weeks-old loss.

    That’s all I’ve got. I’m sorry if I’m wrong.

    I don’t have any advice as to what she, or someone like her, should/could do. I can only tell you what I would have told my own mother if I could have before, and in the weeks after, I was born: I want YOU. I want my OWN dad, grandparents and family. I am comforted by your voice. We’ll make it. We’ll be fine. You are enough. You are a great mom! I love you!

  6. What I would say to Amelia’s Mum…. I was you 23 years ago and I wish to hell someone had reached out to me at the time and said “go get your baby, you can do this” just. one. person. who believed in me and my right to be her mother, even at 17 years of age.
    So I would say to Amelia’s mum… that gut feeling is correct. They are shutting down on you and the adoption is not even finalised. BIG RED FLAGS. Even if they weren’t, I would still say GO GET YOUR BABY. Yep, day care 7 days a week isn’t the best, but compared to a lifetime of loss…. you can’t even begin to compare the two. Your baby will be fine. She will be with you and your circumstances will change. Life is not static but adoption loss is permanent. You may struggle (hard not knowing the ins and outs of your story but you are clearly in a place where you are studying to better yourself and your future) but that struggle will not compare to the black hole of being a mother who has lost her child through adoption.
    Believe in yourself, believe you have a right to be Amelia’s mother and please, go get your baby. She needs to be with you.
    Thinking of you… from one mother of loss to another… be strong. xx

  7. My son was placed for adoption in 1990, 22 years later the pain, greif, void is still there. We have reconnect about 2 years ago, although he says he had a happy childhood, you can see the longing in his eyes at times when he looks at me. Breaks my heart. If I had an ounce of the knowledge I have today, there is no way I would ever made the same choice. A mother and childd belong together. There is always a way.

    Adoption is based on loss. Loss the adoptive parents have for not conceiving their own child, loss the adoptee feels for his “real”family and thaat connection of dna/genetics, and the loss the birthmother feels after losing her child.
    If there is a way, go get your child!!! Save the both of you from a lifetime of loss, regret, guilt, and what if’s.

  8. What I would say to any mother in this situation:

    Please go and get your child. Today, if you can. The pain you feel now – imagine that stretching out before you – and not just for you but for Amelia as well.

    The fact the adopters are already showing signs of not honouring the open adoption agreement is very telling about how the rest of this relationship will be like over the coming years.

    Amelia being adopted is not guarantee that she will not end up in daycare and yes, whilst it may not be the best thing, at least you are taking responsibility and stepping up to parent your child. Adoption is not responsible because it will only create more pain and issues in the long run.

    YOU ARE AMELIA’S MOTHER and a piece of paper can not ever transfer that. Not Ever. You are forever linked and this relationship will be one of the most important of your life.

    I fought for my daughter. I won. My daughter’s adopters took me back to court and through some cruel twist of fate and corruption, I lost her. But I can hold my head high and say I didn’t just give up and let her be taken from me – I fought for her until there was nothing I could do.

    I had no one around; no support – there was no internet readily available as it is today. You have support, you have people who care about you and you can do this if you want to.

    Go and get Amelia. She wants her Mama back.

  9. GO GET YOUR BABY NOW!!!!! GET AN ATTORNEY. NOT one from the agency or the ap’s. Call the police if you have to. The handwriting is on the wall. They are going to close this adoption as soon as the ink is dry. Your baby knows she is with a stranger and wants YOU, her MOTHER. Go. NOW. Your financial/school situation is temporary- adoption is FOREVER.

  10. If everything is as you have written, I don’t know why you are even waiting. Find a good attorney as soon as possible.

    • Jacqueline | March 30, 2012 at 6:31 pm |

      Having relinqueshed two sons, one to a “closed” adopotion and one to a supposed “open” adoption I would do everything within my power to either keep the child and or HAVE A LEGAL CONTRACT THAT INCLUDES YOU AND YOUR CHILD BEING APART OF EACHOTHERS LIVES FOR NOW AND FOREVER….WHNEVER! Even if this birthmom is ficticious, she could be me. I have grieved off and on for what seems eternity.
      With Love and Understanding,

  11. Adoptee here: I second all of the other comments. Get your baby as quickly as you can. Plenty of mothers finish school with a child in tow, in fact, their child becomes their motivation. Adoption is permanent. And not only is it permanent, it affects generations of people. It creates a ripple effect.

    Your circumstances are not permanent, and guess what, neither are the adoptive parents’. What if in a year or two you finish school and have a great job? What if in a year or two the adopers lose their jobs and are homeless? Adoptive parents are not perfect. YOU are best for your baby, no one else.

    The support is there, and there are plenty of people out there willing to help you find it.

  12. Thank you, as always, for opening my eyes to the various sides of the adoption story.

    While I enthusiastically advocate for adoption as a part of caring for orphans, I am, thanks to you, beginning to seriously question whether I should support the kind of “birth mother counseling programs” that encourage (living & loving!) mothers of crisis pregnancies to give up their babies.

    – with love, the adoptive mother of a different Amelia (ironic!)

    • While I enthusiastically advocate for adoption as a part of caring for orphans, I am, thanks to you, beginning to seriously question whether I should support the kind of “birth mother counseling programs” that encourage (living & loving!) mothers of crisis pregnancies to give up their babies

      Rachel, have you read Cassi’s latest blog entry re the subject of birth mother counseling programs?

  13. Get your baby! You can do it. We are always so much stronger than we know. I agree with all the advice given here. Your baby needs you. Just you.

  14. Agreeing that if this letter is for real, she needs an attorney and she needs to stop the adoption proceedings now. Questions I would ask that Claud may wish to address to her: Where are your parents? Do they know about Amelia? Have you asked them for help if you bring your child home? Could you go home and live with them with your child for a while?

    Agreeing with others here, nothing in your present situation is permanent. You can always go back to school, and if you are working, well, most married moms including adoptive moms put their kids in daycare quite young today.

    What agency is she dealing with, and what has she signed so far? She needs a lawyer to ask what the procedure is to get her baby back at this point. What has the agency told her so far, and what is the legal standing of the prospective adoptive parents at this point? Foster to adopt?

    Are there other extenuating circumstances in the choice to surrender? Where is the bio father? Is he at all involved, or would she prefer he not be because the pregnancy came out of a bad or violent situation? Does she have drug or serious mental health issues that existed before the pregnancy?

    Claud, please follow this up and let us know what happens. Either this is a fake or a real mom who needs help right now before it is too late.

  15. I agree with Susie and Bains3401. I released my son almost 22 years ago. In my experience, the pain doesn’t really go away, but it does get better. It just changes, I guess. And now that I am 40, never married, and have never had another child, I see the situation differently. I wish someone would have said to me ONCE when I was pregnant that they had faith I could be a mother. Maybe not the Mother of the Year, but at least a good parent. I would have given up college knowing that I would go back years later to get a degree, and I would have given up partying and single life knowing that I would be where I am today. If the couple is treating you with skepticism and distrust now, I don’t think that’s going to go away. They will push you farther until you leave them alone. I say get your daughter back and do the best you can. That’s the right decision in my opinion.

  16. I lost my daughter to a promised open adoption 8 years ago. In spite of spending lots of time becoming friends (we thought) with the adoptive parents, and them even being willing to participate in a documentary about our close relationship and the planned open adoption, they began to cut off our contact with them and our daughter starting just six days after the adoption finalized. I discovered two years later (after the restrictions got worse and worse) that they had always planned extensively minimal contact and had even made certain (by not filing the open adoption agreement with their adoption paperwork) that we actually had zero legal rights to *any* contact whatsoever. I have not seen my daughter since she was four years old. During the visits I did have with her–which were six hours once a year from when she was 1 year old until she was 3, and then I only saw her for two hours the final time–she was incredibly comfortable and happy with me, her father, and her siblings, in spite of the fact that I was immersed in a legal battle with the adoptive parents over the adoption at the time–I am convinced that she recognized herself in us and felt “at home” with us. This is something I’ve heard from many adult adoptees–they felt like they belonged when they reconnected with their biological families again. Being raised by strangers cannot replace their biological family–no matter how much they may be loved. Someone mentioned to me a few years ago that going with adoption because you’re worried about the baby being in day care doesn’t really make sense because, with adoption, the baby is essentially in full-time day care. They’re being raised by strangers *all the time* with adoption and they *never* (or rarely, even in a true open adoption) have you. Even if your daughter is in day care, she’ll bond with a good provider and they’ll nurture her, and she’ll still have you in the evenings. And like others have said, your stress and schedule is temporary. When you’re more stable, your daughter will *still be gone* if the adoption goes forward, and I cannot describe what that does to a parent…or what it does to a child to be separated from their family. It’s even worse if you have other children down the road–my other daughters suffer every day from only being able to see their sister rarely and never being allowed to call or even to send her gifts, and I know it’s difficult on my adopted daughter not to have a real relationship with her sisters. It’s horrific.

    One other thought–don’t worry about the fact that your daughter has been with the APs for the last several weeks, in terms of her being bonded to them. She was bonded to you from before she was born–right now, she’s just suffering from being separated from you.

    If you have signed the paperwork, it may be an uphill battle to overturn the adoption. Do NOT trust the agency to tell you your rights, because they will have little interest in supporting your effort (they get paid by the adoptive parents). Call an adoption lawyer in your state immediately to find out what your options are…

    If you are ultimately unable to overturn the adoption, I second what others have said–get involved with support groups, and do what you can to get as much contact with your daughter as you can over the years. Oh, and if the APs are being hesitant now about contact, it is only going to get worse once the adoption is finalized.

    I wish you all the best…


  17. “. She is with her new adoptive parents as I write this, and although I am certain she has every chance of happiness with them…”

    You cannot possibly know that she has every chance of happiness with the APs. This is what the PAPs and the agency and all the others promoting adoption want you to believe. Most children go not want to be given away. They want their own original, biological, natural, first mothers!!!

    I agree with the rest of the commentators. Do whatever you can ASAP to get your child back. Like MaryAnne said, nowadays it is very common for mothers to work and put the child in daycare. PAPs like to present themselves as Leave it to Beaver families with a stay-at-home mom, but who knows how long that will last.

    I hope this email is for real but I must say I do have some skepticism about how authentic it is. The writer certainly seems to be well-versed in the issues, terminology, etc. of adoption relinquishment and family preservation for someone so new to it.

  18. I think if you are having doubts the sooner you stop the process the better. Contact an attorney immediately and make it clear that you do not want to proceed with the adoption. As Susie said, there isn’t a time limit for when you can place, but there IS a time limit for changing your mind.

    I did just that. I decided not to complete the adoption and went to get my son back. It took years in court, but eventually I prevailed. Ironically my circumstances are worse now than before because I have legal bills. But none of that matters because I get to hug my son every day. It was worth the struggle and sacrifice. You will never regret fighting for your child.

    You are a mother and mothers are endowed with incredible strength.

  19. I am a mother by adoption. For reasons I won’t go into here, I know my son is better off with me than with his birthmother. However, I think your situation is very different and I believe you should retrieve your baby ASAP. You MUST get your own attorney immediately! DO not tell the agency what you are thinking. GO to see an attorney TODAY and ask him/her to help you get your baby back right away. Good luck to you.

  20. Anonymous | April 3, 2012 at 6:21 am |

    It is impossible to predict any future. As a birth mother, 27 years ago, I found myself pregnant at 16, and was determined to not abort my baby as my abusive boyfriend wanted but instead decided that after delivery my baby would be placed through the Catholic church with a good, strong and loving couple who wanted a child. A family that wasn’t a mess like mine, a family with a mum & dad. My daughter was born and I never expected to feel such intense love or bonding with another human. I never thought it possible. The three days I had her in the hospital were both glorious but also dreadful as I knew the clock was ticking. I had 3 months during which she was in foster care before she went to her adoptive family, but was in too much anguish to visit until a final, horrible goodbye. I went through with the adoption for reasons similar to yours but others too and plenty more complicated. The decision has changed me forever and the pain, grief, shame, anger, longing and wondering… endlessly wondering and worrying… none of it stops but grows deep, even as you work to suppress all of those emotions. If I had the chance to go back and make a different decision, I would never have relinquished my baby. I’ve reunited with my daughter. And what a blessing! At first anyway… to learn how very much we are alike! Uncannily alike! But to hear her ongoing anguish for never fitting in, even while she had a faiy tale childhood/upbringing, well it brought up new levels of remorse, regret and shame in me. Go raise your baby. If I could have a second chance I would in a heartbeat.

  21. I am coming to this late but of course I have nothing but profound sadness to feel reading your letters to Claud. And while the intensity of the pain you are feeling now dulls after a while, it pokes through your consciousness when you least expect it, and makes you forever regret the decision to relinquish. Like the Anonymous above, I too reunited with my daughter–she was 15 at the time–and we had a relationship with so many ups and downs I cannot count them all. It might have been somewhat similar if I had raised her–no mother/daughter relationship is all roses, no thorns–but with a huge difference: she would not have felt abandoned at birth and had some of the psychological issues that grew out of that. Some people seem to have an easier time of being adopted; despite my daughter’s loyalty to her parents–they were good parents, they are good people–she was one of those who did have a hard time growing up adopted with genetic strangers.

    I think my husband said it best once: Giving up your daughter was not good for your soul. You never get back to “normal,” whatever that is. It’s always there. Always.

    Do look for support everywhere you can and try to get back your child, as the other writers have urged. Obviously it will not be easy, from all that you have said, but you will have your baby back. And judging from what you said about the difficulty in seeing your baby in these first few weeks, it will only get more difficult, as the adoptive mother is allowing no leeway under whatever terms of the agreement you made. It sounds as if you won’t even be able to be alone with her.

    Tomorrow will be my daughter’s–would have been–46th birthday. She committed suicide in 2007. As her adoptive mother and I said to each other at the funeral: she is at peace now.

    My heart aches for you and I wish you the very best.

  22. As I read through this with tears flowing and that lump in my throat, I can imagine anyone even making up a story like this. I have felt this exact pain. I too if I would of known now what I did back then would of ran at the chance and listened to every word of those that would of told me HURRY GO GET YOUR CHILD!!! I didnt have those people. All I had were the ones in my face saying your doing the right thing and it will get easier. NO!!! It never gets easier!! My AP did the same thing … promised the world until things were final and guess what it has been 13 years since I have even heard from them. I stopped getting pics, letters, and phone calls when my daughter turned 3. I have contacted many times through the mail and now by facebook only to be ignored and blocked. What a slap in the face by people you thought cared and loved you for giving them such a precious gift as life. If you are having doubts now it wont get any better. STOP the process and go get that baby of yours!

  23. Claude,
    Just wondering if you’ve heard any more from Amelia’s Mum. Would love to know she’d gone and got her baby back… wishful thinking. If you are reading this sweetheart, please let Claude know how you are going.

  24. I am a bit late to this dance, but everything that Amelia’s real mother has written rings true. Note to Amelia’s MOM; you feel the way you do because you are being manipulated by “social workers”, adoption agency staffers, and probably everyone else around you, it would seem. They are isolating and brainwashing you in order to legally STEAL your daughter. You owe them NOTHING!! TRUST your instincts, your gut feelings; the universe is trying to tell you that that Amelia belongs AND wants to be with you. The adoptive couple is making you feel that YOU don’t deserve your own baby. But remember, once the ink is dry on the relinquishment paper, they will be gone and so will Amelia. NO ONE can predict the future your baby will have with these genetic strangers, but chances are, like most adoptees, Amelia will have great difficulty bonding and attaching to them. She will have other issues down the road living with strangers who do NOT share her DNA, genetic or cultural history. The male adopter may abandon her and the female adopter when he realizes that he can have (and wants) his own biological children.(Male infertility is 99% treatable today.)

    No one wants to admit that adoption is a BIZARRE social experiment. The adoptive couple will have other issues, and may end up divorced, in dire financial distress, alcoholic, or experience other unanticipated emotional/social problems. Amelia could end up in daycare anyway; the couple will promise that will never happen; adoptive couples are TRAINED to say that the female will be a “STAY-AT-HOME” mother. They are trained to tell the natural mother what she wants to hear; to say only “the right things.” But, trust me, they and others will do whatever it takes to get “THE BABY” away from you. Sadly, these fraudulent, criminal promises are made every day to new mothers when they are at their most vulnerable. Amelia’s mom (and Dad): YOU deserve your daughter, and she wants and NEEDS you, not a couple of faux parents… You, your biological daughter, and the natural father will NEVER get over the loss that comes from adoption (open or closed). I speak from deep, personal experience…

  25. The letter rings true to me, also.

    To Amelia’s Mom:

    I can’t know your situation, your personality, your reasons for considering relinquishment. It sounds like finances are the primary concern. If so, please, please get a lawyer. This will be difficult because, of course, it is expensive. If you can find one on contingency, do so. If you can get a loan from your bank, a friend, or a family member, do so. If you can put the lawyer’s fee on a charge card, do so.

    It will be hard to find a lawyer who will represent a “birthmother” (my experience was that those who, by phone, agreed to meet with me regarding an adoption’s closure … denied the meeting when they discovered I wasn’t a pregnant “birthmother” seeking to relinquish.)

    Trust your gut. Seriously. If they are already uncomfortable with you, they will become all the more so as your child ages and begins to ask tough questions. I know it probably sounds scary, like a monumental task, to fight this now. But better now than later if they attempt to close the adoption.

    I’m sure they are not bad people. They are just frightened and want a child. But you are your child’s mother. If I understand correctly, you’ve not yet signed adoption paperwork. I believe you are within a revocation period.

    This distrust of you spending some time with your child is a bad sign.

    Start googling organizations in your area that will help you and your child bridge the financial/housing gaps. I work at a place that houses families without financial resources. Typically, it takes about a month.

    Your child may not start out with a Pottery Barn bed set, but she will have you.

    Long ago, I said that part of the reason I relinquished was so that my child wouldn’t have to be cared for my strangers in day care.

    The friend said, “Well, he did wind up with strangers.” That hit me like a kick to the gut. I’d never once thought of it that way. Yes, kids bond in time, but do you know these people any more than you would a potential daycare provider?

    Two parent doesn’t, 50% of the time, stay two parent… for any couple.

    Divorce can happen. Single parenting can happen. These are no longer valid reasons to relinquish — not because they aren’t good, but because they are not guaranteeable.

    There is more help for single parents than there once was. More support.

    Please, if your instincts are telling you not to go through with it, don’t.

  26. As the mother of a child who died, GO GET YOUR BABY NOW! If I could have a moment where my son takes a breath in my arms I would give up the world. Don’t let these people keep her. You can always find a home-based daycare to help you. There are plenty of stay-at-home moms who would love to help you out. There are a lot of agencies to help you out with subsidies and things like that. You just have to look and be willing to accept that help. So, go get your little one and give her a kiss for me.

  27. I stumbled upon the article “Adopted or Abducted” which brought me to this blog. Don’t hate me for I am the mother of a child who was adopted 20 years ago this year. I truly believe we are one of the “happy ending” stories. My daughter is well adjusted and people have commented on that over the years. My story is an international adoption. We chose this route for the fear of losing the child after caring and loving him/her for how many weeks or months it would take for the birth mother to “change her mind”. Something she has every right to do. I believe I was told that she can do that anytime before the adoption is finalized. My heart just wouldn’t be able to take it. The risk of this happening is much higher in the U.S.

    That being said, I believe that this mother should go get her baby, now. She has every right to do so. If she is feeling this badly now then it seems to me she made the wrong decision. Also, go get her now so these people who have her can grieve and get on with their lives.
    I do not believe in the way adoptions are handled. I don’t think that the birth mothers get the proper therapy or respect they deserve. I have the utmost respect for someone who can put the welfare of their child ahead of themselves, and entrust another woman to love and care for their baby as if she had given birth. I do not believe they should be bullied or lied to so they make a decision they regret. I do believe in adoption.

    Well, I could go on and on but I won’t as I’m sure most of what I have to say is somewhere on this blog which I fully intend to keep reading.

    Claud, I applaud you for being so involved in changing laws and/or creating new ones where adoption is concerned. They certainly need to be revised. And the public needs to be aware. But, I hope you won’t try to abolish it altogether. Because people like me need people like you (and I don’t literally mean you). I wouldn’t be a mother if it weren’t for a caring birth mother. I thank her every day.

  28. Anonymous | May 1, 2012 at 4:19 am |

    I too stumbled upon this blog via the above article. I was adopted 43 years ago. I have no regrets. I am so grateful for the incredibly selfless act and gift bestowed upon me by my 16 year old birthmother. As a mother of 3 children myself I cannot imagine the courage and strength it took to give up a child for adoption at anytime, let alone in 1968. I love my mom and dad and the life we lived – the opportunities I was given were limitless. I always hoped that my birthmother had greater opportunities in her life because of the gift of life she gave to me. I never sought her out – I wanted to give her the same gift of respect for her privacy. I would hate to disrupt her life after she did the most selfless thing I could never imagine doing myself… I read this blog and my heart aches for her – I hope she can know that I love her more for the opportunities she gave to me. I do not need her or feel that something is missing in my life but I am so grateful to her for seeing that a 16 year old child could never have given me the same type of home that my parents did. As for Amelia’s mom — I hope she finds her peace. Perhaps the adoptive parents just love that baby so much they already can’t imagine their life without her. Just as I would hope an agency wouldn’t sway a mother into giving up her child, I would hope that another mother’s tragedy wouldn’t sway her to keep a child she felt was better off with another family.

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