I received an email yesterday, that I am sharing here. I would not normally do this, but I think that in this case, words of wisdom need to come from more people than just myself. It’s one thing for one person to offer advice, but it’s different if many give the encouragement and support.
I know there is a small chance that the whole story is made up and perhaps someone thinks they are sneaky and is digging for information to use against me. I don’t care about that. Have fun it that’s the case. My advice would be the same no matter what. Plus, I really don’t believe that to be true. I am leaving out the new mother’s name and the date of the baby’s birth to be safe.
I’m sorry, new momma, I hope this does not break a trust you have with me to hear your secrets, but there are so many who have words of wisdom for you. I just want you to have that full range of advice and the strength of the community behind you. It is my only hope that you can hear what people have to say..both mothers and adoptees alike… so we do not have to welcome you our sad world.
Your blog is the most honest experience I have come across yet. Your description of your departure from the hospital and the many sleepless, tormented nights alone resonates. I gave birth to my first child, a beautiful girl named Amelia, on the this February. She is with her new adoptive parents as I write this, and although I am certain she has every chance of happiness with them, I feel like my soul is falling out the bottom of my feet. I have only been a mother for a few weeks, and already can’t remember living without her or loving someone with such a fierce passion.
There is no one who can possibly know the blackness of this despair and loss – until I read your blog I was beginning to wonder if this howling pain was just an inappropriate reaction to a fleeting situation – even the best meaning people in my life have made me feel like any expression of grief and doubt is a manifestation of weakness. Although I may never hear back from you, I would like to express my thanks for your honesty, and for validating my experience in this hellish ordeal in a way no one else can. You have given me a sliver of the only hope and true understanding I have found from this, and I know you are touching many lives from your story. So, thank you and best wishes for your happiness and continued healing.
I replied to this lovely, but heartbreaking message, saying:
Oh. Thank you. Really thank you..I needed to hear this tonight. I don’t have to tell you that you are 100% normal…this grief.. .. I have to ask.. is it too late to stop it all? Any chance you can revoke relinquishment? It’s so soon.. and for you to understand and know this so soon..I can only hope that you can save yourself.. don’t be like us!!!! You’ll get used to it, but that place..that darkness..it will lie with you forever.
I know you know that.. I am pretty sure as I write this that it is too late. I am so sorry that they got you too. But no.. you are not alone in this. You are a sister of sorrow..and though we are broken.. I can tell you that we kick ass. I don’t want to welcome you, but I will. Oh so new.. I just want to hug you and lie.. say it will be alright. Please..when it gets so dark and you feel like you can’t breath anymore.. or those moments when you really don’t want to anymore…call me
The Second Email came in today:
Thank you so much for your reply – you don’t know how much it means that you wrote back, I really wasn’t expecting that. Technically, it isn’t too late – although I have signed the paperwork, it will still be several weeks before the court finalizes everything over to the new couple. Realistically though, I don’t think I can do it. The support I need is just not there, and as much as this decision is ripping me open, it still seems like it is a better alternative to 7 days a week in daycare while I am working full time and finishing school. There is no easy answer, and although my head is telling me this is the fair and right thing to do for my baby, I have never felt such anguish over what seems to be the logical choice. I don’t know how I can live with myself over this, but really feel that like this is Amelia’s best chance…but god, I hate myself for even saying that.
Claud, I don’t even know if this should impact my thinking in any way, but several hours ago, something happened that has left a very bad taste in my mouth. Throughout all of this, one of my only “comforts” was the reassurance that the couple I had picked for my daughter were willing to keep the lines of communication open at my request, for updates and occasional visits. I have tried, like you, to be a “good birthmother” – as nonthreatening as possible, eager to accommodate at the expense of her own happiness, and stoic for the cameras. Truthfully, at the hospital, I asked the adoptive couples permission to be allowed to hold my daughter for the first time – and felt almost afraid to hold my own baby because, already, I had a sick sensation of borrowing something I had no right to. To their credit, I believe this couple has been as welcoming of me and sympathetic as possible – they really are great people, even if I am doing a terrible job of expressing that. Anyway, today, I worked up the nerve to call the couple to ask if I would be able to see Amelia one more time in the next several weeks before I return to work, and for the first time since I met them, I got the sense that something was off and I was unwelcome. From the first, my worst fear of this situation has been that, once they get what they wanted, despite all their fine words I would be turned out before the ink was even dry. On the phone, the conversation was awkward for the first time, and she said she would call me back and let me know what time would work for them. I never got a call back from her. Instead, she called the adoption case worker, as though I had done something wrong. The case worker was the one who ended up calling me back tonight to tell me that if I want to see my baby, I will have to come to the adoption agency and have her present for the visit. I feel sick – maybe I am reading into this too much, but I have that ooky sixth sense telling me to run. This situation is more complicated and gut wrenching then I could imagine, and now these doubts are tormenting me.
I would really, really appreciate your insight on this…any advice is very welcome. Knowing there is someone else who understands all too well and cares enough to help others is reassuring. Thank you for listening.
Please Share Your Adoption Advice
So, knowing what you know now; what would you do if you could go back to that time when you could still change the tides of adoption?
And my adoptee peeps, please speak for Baby Amelia and tell her mother what you could not at the time of your adoption. Tell her what you would have wanted your mother’s to do in the same situation.
Thank you in advance,