I’m at work. I’m looking up blogs. I’m making my list as usual. I am on one list and marking down which ones we have already contacted, so I don’t drive people crazy. AS I hit these blogs to change their color on my Excel spread sheets, the links open on my other monitor. I don’t need to look at them, but sometimes, they suck me in.

Anyhoo, Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper is on my list. When it opens, I take a peek. I have read there before and knew that she was goign through some hard times, hence..I definatly did not want to be a pest..and I was wondering how she was.

And before I know it.. I am trapped like fly in a spiderweb.. I am reading this. ( tissue warning…very triggering!!)

By the time, I am reading the intro:

“He was late. All my children were late. I turned fifteen two months before he was born.”

“Tell me.”

I began.
I know I am going to read a surrender birth story. I don’t want to really. But my Google reminder actually did it’s job this AM and reminded me that three years ago today I found Max on MySpace and sent him that first message… so I read.

I think this paragraph says it all:

I pushed. His body slid out of mine, still connected by that magical cord and he was laid on my belly. My God, the weight of him! He’s heavy! I looked down into his face and everything I had ever known until that moment became insignificant. I was looking at the first thing I had ever done that was beautiful and perfect and the magnitude of it was enough to shelter us from the noises and sterility around us. We gazed at each other and in that brief second, someone needed me.

 

Ah,the perfect moment.
I don’t know really how the author feels about her experince. I have no idea if she thinks that it was good or necessary, if she has peace, or sadness or regret. From reading the comments, and knowing the recent troubles, I am guessing that she probably has not really talked about this for years. That her readers do not know. That this is a big revelation.. that the magic trick of denial has worn away.. that she is untrawing..feeling it for the first time.. reliving..revisiting..reprocessing. Thats what I read between the lines… but take note please. Take note of the writing of this perfect moment.

I have to go back to my lists, but I think this will be with me all day. There were pictures too.. those pictures..ugg… they all look the same. They stay in my soul.. haunting sadness.