• A Must Read List for Adoption Truths

    • In many states across the USA including New York, Adoptee Rights bills are introduced to state legislators year after year. Due to lack of public support and misinformation based outdated beliefs about the adoption process, year after year, this bills fail to become laws.

    • I am a product of this experiment. I was born on December 24th, 1988 and I was soon transferred from one mother to another because my first mother, known throughout my life as my birth mother, wasn’t married to my birth father. She was 16 years old and still in high school.

    • I was 14 when I learned I was pregnant and my life changed forever. Once I’d gotten that fateful news, I tried to imagine what it would be like to have a baby; I wondered if I’d be able to finish school, would I be able to give my baby the life she deserved?

    • So How Do We Fix Adoption in the USA? Domestic Voluntary Infant Adoption is what we are discussing here. Women facing and unplanned pregnancy and “choose” adoption rather than parenting. If you aren’t aware of adoption facts, then you might not be aware of the need for reform.

    • There are some facts about adoption that, really, you cannot dispute unless you are just trying to purposely to stay ignorant regarding the facts of infant adoption in this country. Adoption is, in its perfect form, suppose to be about finding homes for children that need them, not about finding children for parents that want them.

    • What Happens to the Numbers of Adoptable Infants in the USA if We Compare to Australia? IF the USA had similar adoption practices to Australia and supported mothers, in the US we would have only 539 Voluntary Domestic Infant relinquishments annually give or take.

    • The relinquishment and subsequent adoption of my son was actually picture perfect. I am a perfect example of exactly what adoption is when it works just as it is suppose to.The adoption of my son was perfect, I did everything the “right” way and still; the adoption of my son caused unnecessary pain and was wrong. This is way I speak out against adoption today.

    • Adoption was almost more like a crack that happened in my soul. A crack that that I thought and was encouraged to believe that would be temporary or always below the surface. Over time, the rest of life worked it’s way in, like water in cement and caused the very foundation of myself to crumble.

    • When I relinquished Max, it was suppose to be something that affected ME. Like so many things in adoption, the professionals were wrong. The “gift of adoption” just keep on giving and giving.. the pain has a huge ripple effect that touches every aspect of a woman’s lives including ALL our children.

    • Secondary adoptee rejection is a very real reality in adoption reunions. We all have a different skill set and experiences to handle a reunion.There are many mothers who were simply told to “never speak of this again” and that has proven to be a real unhealthy bit of advice.

    • The simple fact is that it is less than 1% of all relinquishing mothers desire to never set eyes on their children again. So because these 1% mothers another 6 to 8 million people and their children and their children’s children get denied medical histories, get denied their identity, get denied their truth..

    • Most adoption agencies will offer free “birthmother” counseling as part of their adoption services. A true counselor is supposed to advocate for their client, not the organization for which they work. Often adoption counseling is “in agency” and therefore, not really nonpartisan. There is no guarantee that the “counselor” is neutral and actually has the expectant mothers’ best interests at heart.

    • I figured that I would write a post that makes it easier for women to become birthmothers. Hence, here’s a handy guide on how to become more appealing to adoption agencies and ways to ensure that you will place your baby.

Musings After the Pumpkin Patch…

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN over 9 years ago on Thursday, October 21, 2004. I had found my son and knew where he was, but we hadn’t made direct contact yet. I had finally received pictures through the adoption agency maybe less than a month before this trip to the Pumpkin Farm. Seeing his face again for the first time in almost 17 years definitely made the losses more real. Slowing coming out of the birthmother fog while raising the two younger children made the losses very tangible. So I counted the ways and came up with this post. Except it wasn’t even a post because I wasn’t even blogging then, however, I remember really liking that I had written this.

I just got back from Pumpkin picking with my two little ones and a very dear friend.

Counting the adoption lossesWe had a lovely lunch in a sweet café, even though I told her that I was scared to bring my kids to such a nice place and we really should consider Friendlies instead. She insisted, childless and naive, that it would be fine. True to the laws of nature, I said it would be a disaster and my kids did the opposite and behaved perfectly! I can’t believe we got away with it!

Then we went to a real farm where the pumpkins are still on the vines. A perfect fall day, slightly overcast with a view of the fields and mountains awash with color. We trudged through the fields, over mounds, tripping over vines, stopping to check out sunflowers and different weeds, in search of the perfect pumpkin. Laughing at my young one who was consistently shocked and amazed every time he came across another broken rotten pumpkin, “Look! Nother one boken one!!..and nother one here!!”

Then hiking back to the car with our orange treasures in tow. Once we loaded up from one field, Yella and I sat on the open hatch back of my car and finished our coffee while my monsters ran back and forth to the apple trees picking and eating endless apples. They were amusing. They were cute. They were having a wonderful time. I know these are the days that childhood memories are made of. All and all a very perfect and lovely fall day.

This is Why I Hate Adoption

There will be no memories of perfect pumpkin days with my oldest son. Yes, I am sure his parents are great and he has the proper days in his past, and if I am lucky, maybe someday I will get to see the pictures,  (I have never seen the pictures)  but never will I feel his cold cheeks against mine after a day in the field.
Never will I brush the dirt off his tiny hinee after he loses his footing over a “punkin too big”.
Never will I be presented with the gift of a half chewed apple and truly be touched. These moments belong to someone else and my chances of being part are gone, gone, gone.

  • 17 trips to the pumpkin patch
  • 17 handmade Halloween costumes
  • 17 over exited Christmas Eves
  • 17 crack of dawn groggy Christmas mornings 17 Easter egg hunts
  • 17 handmade mothers day gifts
  • 17 birthday parties
  • 17 times to teach to heirloom stuffing recipe for Thanksgiving
  • 6205 kisses good night
  • 678 boo-boos kissed
  • 2,160 bed time stories
  • 2,340 tickle fights
  • 85 trips to the doctor
  • 18,367 hugs
  • 408 nights of interrupted sleep
  • 68 pairs of shoes
  • 12 back to school shopping trips and 12 first days of school
  • 48 celebratory good report card dinners
  • 468 instances of monsters under the bed
  • 555,165 times to say “stop teasing your brother!”

Did I know what I would really be missing? No, I didn’t then. But as I watched my children playing in the fields today something inside me hurt. I know what I am missing now. You just don’t know what motherhood is like until you live it and by the time I figured it out, I had already given up my first chance.

18, 615 smiles for me……..gone.

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Claudia Corrigan DArcy

About Claudia Corrigan DArcy

Claudia Corrigan D’Arcy has been online and involved in the adoption community since early in 2001. Blogging since 2005, her website Musings of the Lame has become a much needed road map for many mothers who relinquished, adoptees who long to be heard, and adoptive parents who seek understanding. She is also an activist and avid supporter of Adoptee Rights and fights for nationwide birth certificate access for all adoptees with the Adoptee Rights Coalition. Besides here on Musings of the Lame, her writings on adoption issue have been published in The New York Times, BlogHer, Divine Caroline, Adoption Today Magazine, Adoption Constellation Magazine, Adopt-a-tude.com, Lost Mothers, Grown in my Heart, Adoption Voice Magazine, and many others. She has been interviewed by Dan Rather, Montel Williams and appeared on Huffington Post regarding adoption as well as presented at various adoption conferences, other radio and print interviews over the years. She resides in New York’s Hudson Valley with her husband, Rye, children, and various pets.
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7 Responses to Musings After the Pumpkin Patch…

  1. Poor_Statue says:

    I, too, count the losses.

    It especially hurts at work. I spend my days with other people’s children (I’m a teacher), but I cannot spend them with my own.

  2. kim.kim says:

    You can never get those back. The only thing you can do is make new memories with him if your relationship will allow that in the future.
    When my daughter at the age of 21 came to visit and stayed with us, I made lunches for the car ride to Paris and I felt so sad. I thought about all the lunches that I hadn’t made for her. And I also just loved making the bread rolls and the food packs for the car for that same reason too. You can never get it back. I am now building new memories with her, different ones, not mother and child but mother and adult daughter, it’s not the same, and no, it doesn’t make up for the loss but it’s all I have. And with what I have now I will make the best of that but it’s never going to replace what I lost.
    Again, you speak on my behalf as a fellow mother with words that make others understand a little better what it is like.

  3. Aimee says:

    Exactly. You don’t how it’s going to feel… and then when you have kids of your ‘own’ you *really* get how much you’ve lost.

  4. sster says:

    This is a really moving post–I’ll be coming back to it time and time again…

  5. I love your writing, Claudia. And, more importantly, I love the way you share your heartbreak so openly. Clearly, (from the comments), your “rantings” are a gift to many others. What could be better for a writer than to know that they truly touched others?

  6. Karen Whitaker says:

    Love this. Very heartfelt and tender.

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