• A Must Read List for Adoption Truths

    • In many states across the USA including New York, Adoptee Rights bills are introduced to state legislators year after year. Due to lack of public support and misinformation based outdated beliefs about the adoption process, year after year, this bills fail to become laws.

    • I am a product of this experiment. I was born on December 24th, 1988 and I was soon transferred from one mother to another because my first mother, known throughout my life as my birth mother, wasn’t married to my birth father. She was 16 years old and still in high school.

    • I was 14 when I learned I was pregnant and my life changed forever. Once I’d gotten that fateful news, I tried to imagine what it would be like to have a baby; I wondered if I’d be able to finish school, would I be able to give my baby the life she deserved?

    • So How Do We Fix Adoption in the USA? Domestic Voluntary Infant Adoption is what we are discussing here. Women facing and unplanned pregnancy and “choose” adoption rather than parenting. If you aren’t aware of adoption facts, then you might not be aware of the need for reform.

    • There are some facts about adoption that, really, you cannot dispute unless you are just trying to purposely to stay ignorant regarding the facts of infant adoption in this country. Adoption is, in its perfect form, suppose to be about finding homes for children that need them, not about finding children for parents that want them.

    • What Happens to the Numbers of Adoptable Infants in the USA if We Compare to Australia? IF the USA had similar adoption practices to Australia and supported mothers, in the US we would have only 539 Voluntary Domestic Infant relinquishments annually give or take.

    • The relinquishment and subsequent adoption of my son was actually picture perfect. I am a perfect example of exactly what adoption is when it works just as it is suppose to.The adoption of my son was perfect, I did everything the “right” way and still; the adoption of my son caused unnecessary pain and was wrong. This is way I speak out against adoption today.

    • Adoption was almost more like a crack that happened in my soul. A crack that that I thought and was encouraged to believe that would be temporary or always below the surface. Over time, the rest of life worked it’s way in, like water in cement and caused the very foundation of myself to crumble.

    • When I relinquished Max, it was suppose to be something that affected ME. Like so many things in adoption, the professionals were wrong. The “gift of adoption” just keep on giving and giving.. the pain has a huge ripple effect that touches every aspect of a woman’s lives including ALL our children.

    • Secondary adoptee rejection is a very real reality in adoption reunions. We all have a different skill set and experiences to handle a reunion.There are many mothers who were simply told to “never speak of this again” and that has proven to be a real unhealthy bit of advice.

    • The simple fact is that it is less than 1% of all relinquishing mothers desire to never set eyes on their children again. So because these 1% mothers another 6 to 8 million people and their children and their children’s children get denied medical histories, get denied their identity, get denied their truth..

    • Most adoption agencies will offer free “birthmother” counseling as part of their adoption services. A true counselor is supposed to advocate for their client, not the organization for which they work. Often adoption counseling is “in agency” and therefore, not really nonpartisan. There is no guarantee that the “counselor” is neutral and actually has the expectant mothers’ best interests at heart.

    • I figured that I would write a post that makes it easier for women to become birthmothers. Hence, here’s a handy guide on how to become more appealing to adoption agencies and ways to ensure that you will place your baby.

Kitten Adoption Can be Very Triggering

Life Long Affects of Relinquishment Continue to Be Surprising

We have one cat in my house, or should I say, Scarlett has a cat named, Pumpkin. Scarlett loves Pumpkin and Pumpkin loves Scarlett, but he barley tolerates the rest of us. OK, truth be told, he’s a decent cat overall, except for some very loud meowing, but serves none of my cat needs.  He won’t is on my lap, he won’t come over to me, he hates it when I insist on giving him affection, like visibly looks pained and annoyed. Basically, as cats go, he’s an asshole.

So I have been wanting another cat for like five years, but Rye has always held his guns that one cat is enough. Of course, one cannot make my dear daughter give up her beloved pet so my needs can be met, so I have unsatisfied kitten desires.  Hence I have been saying I want a kitten for my birthday, fully expecting that I will continue to be sadly wanting a kitten for another five years or until something terrible happens to the ass-cat…which I cannot wish for because I am not a horrible person like that.

So my birthday comes, and even though I am coming down with some cold germ that kids kindly shared, overall it’s a rather nice day. We didn’t do anything major, but Rye made me a delicious cake and we had tapas and cocktails with friends and family on the patio. I am rather surprised when Rye sits me down mid evening and starts to explain something about the SPCA and an adoption application. Seriously, I never did think he would actually realize that I needed to have some cat affection in my life and give in. He does love me!!  I’m excited beyond belief, the kids are thrilled, and apparently the local Ulster County SPCA got in over 100 kittens just the other day. It’s kitten fiesta time.

Planning for a New Kitten Baby

I am quite touched by the amount of planning and effort he already put in to get me the kitten of my dreams. He had already filled out the application, they knew it was for my birthday, and we were planning on going over on Thursday. Now since this was to be MY kitty, we, luckily, decided to just go in the am, so the kids could not push undue influence upon the kitten selection process. He was a tad bit annoyed off that they had not called him back regarding the application, since there was a birthday plan involved, but we were not concerned.

So, we get to the Ulster SPCA at 11. We are early and though the parking lot is filled, we have to kill 30 minutes until they actually open. Once we get in, Rye greets the receptionist and she seems to remember him already being there and my birthday kitten story. He expresses that he had already filled out the application, but had expected to hear back. She says she will find it and we are invited to go see the available cats.

We go into the first cat room, but there are no kittens at all. The lady there brings us to the ” younger” cat room where there are still no signs of the 103 kittens ( they were being processed still) but a nice array of teens and sweet young adults.

Adoption of Anything should NOT be Shopping

Now, I was very conscious of not ” shopping” for a cat that fit my vision of what a cat should be like. Rye and I decided that personality was most important and the new kitty had to be one that would be very interested in just sitting on my lap and cuddling with me. I am more partial to males, but would not rule out a female. I love white cats and grays, but aside from an orange tabby which we already have in the Pumpkin, I would be open. So after walking around the whole room and greeting all the cats ( and there were maybe 30 in there) I just sat down on the floor to see what would happen.

The minute I sat down, this young male tortoise shell tiger came over and plopped in my lap. Rye at this point, sitting in a chair, also had a older male tortoise tiger loving all over him.  Others came to visit but, it really felt like these two guys had picked us as opposed to the other way around. My guy is rolling about, purring like a fool and just licking me all over….my hands, my ankles, were hanging out nose to nose, looking into each other’s eyes. I’m thinking..ok, slightly older and I wasn’t planning on a tortoise, but I think he is the one.

So were in there for a good 35 40 minutes. Workers and volunteers are coming in and out, and I am falling for this cat. Then, one of them comes in and tells rye that they need to speak to him. I stay with my guy and I start telling him the scoop….you’ll. have to put up with the dog, but she’s cool. Pumpkin is not the king. He was to be my baby, but Tristan would be his second, etc.

I start the kitty tests…will he dig being held like this? How about this? Can I touch his teeth, his feet, what annoys him? Nothing. It’s becoming clear..he’s my guy.

Rye comes back in. I have to come with him and talk to the manager or director or whatever. I look my kitty in the eyes and tell him I will be right back.

I didn’t know it, but I was lying.

Kitten Loving Disaster Time

So we’re are now standing in the middle of the foyer/ entrance/ hallway and this woman is saying that our application is not approved because our dog, Lilly, is not spayed.

Ok. I get  rules. I can understand that they are trying to reduce the numbers of unwanted pets in the world. I understand that their rooms are filled with the products of accidents. Yet, Lilly was left unspayed for a reason, not because we are horrible pet owners. That was a conscious decisions as she is full blooded American bulldog and we had planned on breeding her since she is such a great dog, but we never found a suitable mate and now she’s going to be 8.

Yet, still it’s on THE MISSION STATEMENT. Which, I can understand, means there is not much going around that. I know we are not spaying Lilly now just to get this guy…she’s too old, I worry that she might have a personality change, get fat whatever. I wish we had spayed her as we are not going to breed her now for the same reasons..she’s too old now..it’s a pain when she goes into season twice a year. She has to wear pants. Yes, I do my dogs laundry. I sew her pants. It’s pathetic, I know.

Anyway, we’re having this discussion in the entrance/foyer/ hallway about how it is ” their mission statement” and they just will NOT adopt out pets to a household that has any fertile animals in it. Whether I sew my dogs period pants and launder them is a moot point.

I am hearing her words and they register mentally, but  inside I am screaming WHY DIDN’T SOMEONE TELL RYE BEFORE THEY LET ME IN THAT ROOM!!!

My brain clicks to the conclusion that I will not be taking that cat home with me. Rye knows, too, and we go to leave.

In Which Claud Loses Her Mind

We make it out the double glass doors and I burst into hysterical tears. Not weeping, not crying, but gut wrenching hysterical deep soul crushing sobs. Rye looks at me shocked, I am beyond all logic.

I make it about ten steps to the car, and then turn around….sobbing, tears flowing down my face, I go back in with the invention of telling them how wrong it is to do this to a person.  I am not sure what I said. It was like I had stepped on an emotional land mind and  now all this shrapnel of myself was just flying. I was just so damn angry ..not at their rules, but that they let me go in that room.  I know I made a scene, which is NOT something I tend to do at all, really, ever.. in person. ( online, completely different, in person, I avoid conflict!)

They said something about talking to a manager, there was a volunteer who was very sweet and followed us out and apologized. As I said, I was beyond reason. I have no idea what I said. I think I yelled. I know I just cried and cried.  Honestly you would think I had spent the last 40 years with Mr. Kitty, not the last 40 minutes. After I raged abut a bit, I just couldn’t be there near them anymore, waiting, and we left. I cried all the way home..cried when we got home. Ranted and  raved for hours really. I can’t recall the last time I was this upset.

Now, in retelling the story, most folks just thought the rule was silly as the dogs fertility should not matter with a cat.  The rule was deemed “dumb” the SPCA, “jerks”, but oddly, I wasn’t upset about their mission statement and sticking to it. My feelings were in complete and total disconnect than the majority of folks.

I was just angry that they let me in there to begin with. I should never have gotten I to see that cats to begin with.  In my head, there were enough opportunities that our application could have been red flagged as having issues before I was ever there.

  • When Rye first filled it out, the receptionists there should be trained to glance over the form to make sure everything is filled out and spot any possible issues.
  • During the time frame that the app was there, while Rye waited for the phone call, they could have noticed Lilly’s status.
  • The criteria for households adopting should have been noticeable, posted, on the website, etc.

There were all these check points that I saw as stop points that could have prevented me from going into THAT room.

I am happy to say that my outburst and a later, very productive conversation between Rye and the manager on social media, has resulted in them improving the process.

But I was still quite hysterical.

At one point during my ranting, it was said ..guess what ” adoption sucks.. Even if it’s trying to get a kitten”

Is it REALLY the Kitten?

And so my brain started thinking…am I feeling what a prospective adoptive parent feels when denied a baby? Why was I so damn upset? And it occurred to me that in some way I was…as I felt this was MY cat, the cat I was supposed to have, but I dislike that kind of thinking and was disgusted that I could fall into it. Was it entitlement? Yuck, this  didn’t jive with my overall attitudes towards cats. Logically, its spring time in the Hudson Valley..it’s kitten season and they are a dime a dozen..and I love all sorts of cats.  Was it this cat..and why was I so attached after 40 minutes. Because I was stuck on this cat..or rather I was stuck on LEAVING this cat. I was Horribly distressed that I mentally told this cat that I was coming back and he was coming home with me and now….

You know, often people say to me “why do you focus so much on the negative of adoption?” As if I am doing something wrong. But this is a case where being aware of things is helpful, because if I was quick to write off adoption issues and say “not everything is related to adoption” then chances are I would still be an hysterical mess fixating on this one cat.  Because it really wasn’t the cat, the SPCA lady, or the need for a kitten that made me lose my ever loving mind…it was adoption.

Nope, It Was a Major Triggering Adoption Episode!

I had no way of knowing it, but when I had to leave my “baby” cat behind and walk out that door without turning back..I hit that place that every relinquishing mother fears. The moment when we walk away. It really was an emotional land mind that exploded when I walked out that door. Almost 26 years later, and that hysterical grief was as strong as it was then.  I wasn’t crying over the cat, it was over Max…two days old. It’s no one’s fault that this experience reenacted the worst trauma of my life, but it did. Just ripped that scab off with such a force, that it took me hours to find the place to stop the bleeding.

When I did, it all made sense and I could get a grip. My feelings didn’t make any sense when it was about the cat. I was feeling crazy, but the minute I was able to identify it as adoption grief and loss, I felt like I understood: Ah, yes, here you are. I know you. The intensity now make sense. I was traumatized by the SPCA experience, but it was relinquishment at it root.

Now, it is worth nothing, that it took me quite a few hours to make this connection.  I can only imagine how many other birthmothers in the world find themselves in similar situations, insanely upset over something that defies logic, yet makes sense when adoption is applied, but they don’t know it go there.  In this case, because I was trying to technically “adopt” a cat, it wasn’t a far road to travel to make the connection.

Putting the Adoption Trigger Pieces Together

And what really made it clear was being able to really look at and examine my feelings.

  • What I was angry about: not the rules, but that I was put in that position.
  • What I wanted to say to them: look what you did to me by letting me in that room.
  • What I felt about the cat: it was not any kitten, it was THAT kitten.
  • What I remembered: sitting there and telling that kitten that I would be back. Looking in his eyes, feeling that he would feel abandoned by me. I left him. I was horrified by that. I didn’t even say good bye.

I had symbolically created the relinquishment experience. When I bonded with the cat, my subconscious pulled up bonding with Max at the hospital. The sitting with the kitten and talking to him was very much like what I did with my baby, but I knew I was leaving my baby.. I had promised to take the cat. So not being able to fulfill that was just maddening. It was Boston on November 16th, 1987 all over again.

And the thing is.. It was.

Until I sat with my feelings on Thursday and compared the two, I had no memory of after the bassinet with Max in it rolled out of my hospital room. I didn’t remember leaving the hospital, the drive home, etc. Now, I do remember bursting into the same tears when I left the hospital. I remember the same kind of car ride home and then going to cry alone. I had no one to be angry at, expect myself, when I was 19, but I could be angry at the SPCA on Thursday. And so I was.

Chalk it up to Adoption Issues. How About You?

The point of sharing this  is not to bitch about the story or rip apart the SPCA. I’m actually pretty ok with the whole thing and totally fine now after reviewing the conversation that Rye had with them. They really did handle it very well and they had no reason to expect that this would be a major triggering episode for me. Hell…I didn’t either and i am especially thankful that as we drove home even Rye knew to say to me “no Facebook for you this afternoon. You are raging!” Poor Rye, he had no clue that the supreme birthday plan would turn into a cry fest. In truth, there is no one to blame, just adoption and life.

Anyway, my point in sharing this is to say that it is worthwhile to examine our feelings and reactions. It does help to apply the adoption lens especially when we find our emotions getting out of control.  It’s not always the obvious, it’s not just the cat, but something deeper, long buried, even though to be under wraps, understood.

I wonder how many  more of us have similar stories where the trauma of relinquishment  was relived, triggered, and the responsibility for an extreme reaction? How long until you recognized that for what it was? If ever? Can you think of a time when you freaking lost it and looking back, it was actually adoption grief at the root?  If you have, please share, so  more of us can be aware.

We can’t always avoid the emotional land minds in adoption, but we can help each other find the band aids to put ourselves back together.

I am still sad, but I know the tears that flow are not over a cat, even if he was cool, but my baby. yes, I am still looking for a kitten. And if anyone else  is, and they have no fertile pets in their household, may I recommend a really cool young male who is over at the Ulster County SPCA.

 

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Claudia Corrigan DArcy

About Claudia Corrigan DArcy

Claudia Corrigan D’Arcy has been online and involved in the adoption community since early in 2001. Blogging since 2005, her website Musings of the Lame has become a much needed road map for many mothers who relinquished, adoptees who long to be heard, and adoptive parents who seek understanding. She is also an activist and avid supporter of Adoptee Rights and fights for nationwide birth certificate access for all adoptees with the Adoptee Rights Coalition. Besides here on Musings of the Lame, her writings on adoption issue have been published in The New York Times, BlogHer, Divine Caroline, Adoption Today Magazine, Adoption Constellation Magazine, Adopt-a-tude.com, Lost Mothers, Grown in my Heart, Adoption Voice Magazine, and many others. She has been interviewed by Dan Rather, Montel Williams and appeared on Huffington Post regarding adoption as well as presented at various adoption conferences, other radio and print interviews over the years. She resides in New York’s Hudson Valley with her husband, Rye, children, and various pets.
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65 Responses to Kitten Adoption Can be Very Triggering

  1. Jackie says:

    I start this by saying, I am doing judging anyone, nor making grand statements about adoption in general.

    This is exactly how adoptive parents feel when they were going to adopt a baby and then the birth mother changed her mind. For a period of time, that baby was theirs. That specific baby. They loved it, cared for it by caring for the mother who had agreed to adoption. In our case, the mother was not pressured in any way. Hell, she’s the one that asked us if we’d adopt. So when she changed her mind later, it was just like getting that cat taken from you.

    Adoption is hard, for everyone. Every case is unique, every situation has its own challenges. There needs to be a better way to help everyone involved.

    • Jackie says:

      Hopefully you can find a kitten another way. There are always loads of people who are giving away kittens independent of the shelter. There may also be other shelters around.

    • adminadmin says:

      I have to disagree Jackie. While on first glance, yes, it seem superficially like the feelings I had could have been like an potential adoptive parents, it really was not the case at all. And that was the issue for me. It was completely illogical to feel the intensity that I did. I wasn’t REALLY attached to that kitten all that much. It wasn’t really taken from me as there was not really the opportunity for it to be mine and I have to say, IF I had known going in that the POSSIBILITY of not picking a kitten was possible, I probably would have been more guarded emotional. Since I was not guarded, I was able to tap into the relinquishment experience and find that soft trauma spot…

      • Jackie says:

        I’m not saying the intensity will be the same. But that there are parallels that are not superficial. That pain that we felt losing ‘our’ baby was not superficial. It was all very real. Our hearts were opened up to the child that we had already seen on the sonogram. It wasn’t just an idea on paper.

        Had we been told from the beginning that this was just a possibility, instead of a sure thing like we had been told, the results would have been different, just like had you been told you couldn’t adopt without getting the dog fixed. Perhaps you would have gone in to say hi to the cats anyway and give them some company. You might have had the same fun time with that cat. But you wouldn’t have grown attached knowing you couldn’t bring him home.

        It’s wrong what was done to you, with Max and the kitten. Please don’t get me wrong. But don’t try to say that what we went through wasn’t devastating to us either.

        Grand scheme of things, whenever an event triggers a trauma, it’s a chance to heal it more deeply. While painful, it’s part of the healing process. Take care!

        • Greg says:

          I’m in agreement with Jackie.

          Claudia, your feelings are hardly superficial for wanting a new kitten. And your feelings were not illogical at all. You had an expectation going in and encountered something you didn’t expect. I don’t think you should feel as if you were wrong to react the way you did. But that’s just my opinion. You are entitled to feel however you want.

          When my wife and I decided to attempt to start our family neither of us expected to eventually find our that I am not fertile. If we had known going in that it was a possibility the hurt would not be what it has been. The difference though is that our situation is out of our control. It’s nothing I did its something I was born with.

          Though we don’t feel entitled to a baby because of that. We are just exploring our options just as you are in your situation.

    • Barbara Thavis says:

      Many of us natural mothers would love to see changes in adoption. These changes would make it harder for prospective adoptive parents (PAPS) to adopt an infant, they would also protect them from giving money and care to a pregnant woman only to have her change her mind, leaving you ripped apart.

      NO PRE BIRTH MATCHING!!! – Pregnant woman should be protected under the law to receive assistance for food, clothing and shelter if they do not have the resources themselves. Adoptive parents should not have that responsibility. Having pregnant women accept assistance from PAPS puts them in a coercive situation from the get go.

      TAKE ALL MONEY OUT OF ADOPTION!!! – Close down all the adoption agencies and run adoptions through the state. Agencies are in business (non profit or for profit – it’s a business) and they work towards severing families to make new ones). The government should do all they can to find a kinship arrangement if a mother is unable or doesn’t want to parent her child. In this way the child doesn’t lose all of it’s heritage as well as it’s parents. And let’s have fathers step up when mothers are unable or disinterested in parenting.

      GIVE COMPREHENSIVE COUNSELING – Today the counseling pregnant women receive from adoption agencies is designed to separate her from her child, not to give her information on the life long consequences to both her and her child from relinquishment.

      KEEP MOTHER AND CHILD TOGETHER FOR FIRST SIX WEEKS – A pregnant woman does not know what it is like to be a mother to the child she is carrying. How can one sign away their rights to something they haven’t experienced? Just as you wouldn’t take a baby from the womb six weeks early as a convenience to a mother, the baby shouldn’t be separated from it’s mother (unless safety is an issue)until the infant is at least six weeks old.

      DO COMPREHENSIVE TESTING – Use psychological testing to weed out alcoholics, pedofiles, and abusive personalities from the PAP pool.

      • Greg says:

        Barbara,

        A few comments, first I am assuming you have not gone through or investigated the adoption process on the other side. I say that because you seem to have an issue with the vetting of adoptive parents process. Those who know of or have gone through the process know that it is very extensive even more so for Foster Parents. If you want to be fair do the psychological testing on young parents considering adoption to see if they are mentally sound to raise a child. Obviously that wouldn’t be fair to do that to either side which is why I disagree it fixes anything. There is just as much a chance of a biological parent being abusive or a drug addict as there is a adoptive parent. The vetting of PAPs is not the issue nor is it is making it more difficult. It’s already difficult and if you don’t think so, I challenge you to go through the process. As far as protecting them, in no way does any of what you propose protect them. I don’t think you should portend that you want to protect them when you stress you want to make it more difficult for them.

        I do agree on the profits of a non profit business being an issue. However, with how messed up the state run Foster Care system is putting it in the hands of the government will make it worse. Put tighter restrictions on what they can charge and get rid of the adoptive tax credit helping subsidize their profits.

        The topic of pre birth matching is a tough call especially if its in the hands of the expectant parents. I do agree though that PAPs should not give any gifts or pay for any care prior to birth or adoption finalization for that matter. I also think forming a relationship should be done after the adoption is finalized.

        Where I strongly agree is on expectant parent education and counseling on all of their adoptions. More so than anything making this a requirement even on the adoptive parent side will make the biggest positive impact on adoption.

        The one point I am unsure of and can’t comment on is keeping mother and child together for the first six weeks. Actually I take that back I think if a birth/first parent wants to place within that time it could help the bonding process with the adoptive parents. Beyond that I don’t have a clue whether or not it changes the situation or would make it more difficult on the birth/first mother if they realized they wouldn’t be able to parent. But again I don’t think it’s fair for me to have an opinion one way or the other.

        • V's Mom says:

          The point Barbara makes are actually for the most part what Australia did to change the way adoptions are handled in their country after they made a public apology to first parents everywhere for how they had been swindled out of their children over the years. There is no more pre birth matching. A baby either goes home with Mom or is in a foster care type situation for, I think, is 6 weeks (it might actually be like 6 months but I cant remember at the moment). After a certian amount of time THEN the Mom can begin seeking HAPs…their adoption rate has plummeted to almost zilch. BUT it gives Moms time to truly understand what that intense bond means and what life would look like being separated from their baby.

        • Lucreza Borgia says:

          “Those who know of or have gone through the process know that it is very extensive even more so for Foster Parents.”

          Says who? That might be certain agency guidelines, but is that law or even required?

          • md says:

            Yes, there is a certification process to be a foster parent by law. You actually get a certificate. Most require 30 hours in class education and you have to get the license renewed yearly with continuing education. Our agency offered CE credits for workshops like ‘maintaining sibling relationships’, ‘parenting sexually abused children’, ‘transracial adoption’, ‘parenting with love and logic’, etc.

            I can’t speak to all states and all agencies but ours was one of the most profound experiences of my life. And our class banned together to remove a couple from the class who was clearly not appropriate foster parents.

  2. Greg says:

    Another great piece that makes the reader think about so many different angles.

    To me this piece comes from an prospective adoption side of adoption. First you have the idea of building your pet family through adoption because there is a void that currently is not filled by what you have in your life. Second you have the vision of what your life would feel like when you adopted, that makes you happy. Third you have the decision of whether you adopt in the hands of someone other than who you are adopting. And last you have the disappointment and sadness when your dream falls through due to reasons outside of your control. If anything this experience shows the emotional losses that come from the prospective adoptive parents end. Not that it minimizes the birth/first mother emotional losses (it doesn’t) when adoption occurs but it gives you an idea of what they go through.

    For me personally I relate as my wife and I recently adopted a greyhound. For people who don’t know about greyhounds, I suggest reading up on it. Greyhounds are overbred so breeders can find that next racing champion. Once a greyhound is no longer a winner or if they don’t ever become a winner they are discarded like a commodity. There are many who end up being adopted but there are a fair number of them who are euthanized for no good reason. When these dogs race they are kept in crates for 20+ hours a day. Most of them never get the chance to become puppies until they are older. Plus even when they are adopted they are misunderstood. Many people think because they race they have
    a ton of energy, but the reality is they sleep for 16 hours a day. They are calm, sweet, loyal and loving dogs.

    Our dog raced until after her 4th birthday. She was adopted prior to us adopting her but was returned because it was felt she was sad and hungry all the time. What those people failed to realize is what she had been through in her life as well as a greyhound’s temperament which is calm. The first three months we had her she kept to herself and didn’t play much. But since then her personality has come out. No she doesn’t have a ton of energy or is happy all the time (heck she is downright moody) but we love her with all of our hearts. My favorite part of each day (along with when my wife comes home) is when I come home from work to her wagging tail and watch how excited she is to see me. I’m so glad to give her the life that she deserves.

    I wish you the best of luck and hope that one day you are able to bring a kitten home to their new forever home.

    • Laurel Ehrichs says:

      “To me this piece comes from an prospective adoption side of adoption.”

      That was the point. The roller coaster that happened felt like that and looked like that. But, part of our coping skills as mothers who relinquished is to identify properly why we are reacting the way we are, give it a voice, a name, and figure out why it caused that reaction.

      So, the obvious name would be relating to the potential adoptive parent grief for revocation of adoption relinquishment plans. Of all things we expectant mothers considering adoption are well aware of is that heartbreak. Usually, our emotions and wants are completely swept to the side for the potential adoptive parents, for building their joy on our acts. Claudia has blogged extensively about it, so have other mothers like us. This is not a new concept at all to any of us, because it is used as emotional manipulation into relinquishing. “Don’t toy with them if you don’t mean it… don’t be one of those mothers who do this to good people….” etc…

      So yes, at first she thought this is what it feels like. Except it wasn’t at all.

      Instead, the actual name that fit was relinquishment all over again. The feel good in the hospital moments of attempting to say everything that needs to be said, leave with a promise that can never be kept, and leave empty handed, empty hearted, knowing you just left behind someone else to fend for themselves hoping it might just work out for them.

      Even if we hand our baby into the arms of someone else, it’s still that same devastating feeling.

      It is trauma.

      It is relived when we hear our children cry when left at school or the babysitter or in church nurseries.

      It is relived in ways we don’t ever expect when meeting a cat that we might want to take home.

      It is not the hope of adopting that cat. She says so at the end. It was reliving something no one should have to live through and emotionally having to catch why the reaction was as awful as it was.

      So no. Not the same at all.

      Claudia – That so sucks beans. I hate how we are amazing people living pretty decent lives, being rather nifty people, and then something goes and smacks us to the ground back to that age and time unexpectedly. It’s like a Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan, pipe to the knee cap moment. And then it gets put into the whole broken person stereotype of grief.

      That would make an amazing blog entry btw. The wounded birthmother of pain. Tip toe around this lifetime of grief, which makes us appear like that is all their is to us. It’s kind of like the whole I won’t be the bitter birthmother stigma.

  3. V's Mom says:

    First Mom of 28 years here and I have had quite a few, not as intense, experiences like this. Its a part of PTSD that the majority of us first Moms experience. They are always over an insignificant item but it always feels like a scab being ripped away..
    The biggest one for me that comes to mind for me is when my youngest daughter was about 4 months old. We had bought her a “johnny jump up” that she wasnt really that into. We decided that since she needed a playpen more so I took it back to the store to exchange it to get a playpen…but as the lady took it behind the counter I experienced the biggest panic inside me! I couldnt leave that baby item behind!!!

    It took me a few days to understand where that terror was coming from because it was just a silly baby “toy”. It was first of all a baby item…and it was something I had ordered for my second daughter (my first was surrendered) and last child so parting with it was like leaving her behind.

  4. Robin says:

    As someone who is as passionate about animal welfare as I am about adoptee rights, I had a somewhat different reaction to this post. I think you should contact the SPCA, agree to have your dog spayed by a certain date, and then go pick up your feline soulmate. I don’t blame them for having such a strict policy about spay and neuter. They are in the trenches, day in and day out, seeing the harmful effects of pet overpopulation. We have a huge problem with homeless animals in this country. Kittens find homes quickly but a somewhat older cat, like the one you fell in love with, may never find a home. You and your family seem like you are huge animal lovers and could give this sweet cat the wonderful home that he deserves. I am an advocate for all adoptees, even the little, four-legged ones in fur coats.

    I’m sorry this experience was so triggering for you. I don’t think, however, that this can be compared to PAPs who then find out that the natural mother has decided to keep her baby. That baby has a home and in the majority of cases, barring abuse and neglect, will be much better off staying with her biological family. The male cat that you bonded with doesn’t have any other home. The best thing for him WOULD BE to live with you and your family.

    • Jackie says:

      In my case, the birth family is not a better situation. Neither birth parent has any income at all, and are both under age. They aren’t even close to facing the reality before them. And I’ll be darned surprised if the guy sticks around for more than 6 months. It’s not a good situation.

      In any case, all of these situations are a challenge. If there’s a risk of losing your dog due to a surgery that is unnecessary, then is it worth it? I adore my cats. I wouldn’t give them up for anything. We got our youngest fixed way too young because that’s the law. But it was risky and we wouldn’t have done it given the choice.

      I don’t know what’s the right decision here. I’d consider getting the dog fixed, but it depends on the situation. Hopefully it works out either way. It’s hard to go to the shelter. :-(

      • V's Mom says:

        Honestly it is t for you to judge whether young poor people will be good parents to their own kids. Will they make mistakes? Of course, all parents do. But to assume because they are poor and young they won’t be good parents, or to say something as judgmental as you not being surprised if the dad isn’t around for 6 more months is offending to first parents everywhere. Even if he takes off what makes you think you can pass judgment on her for being a single Mom. Guess what? There are TONS of really great single Moms out there who started out just how you describe your child’s first Mom to be. Its quit disrespectful to say things like this about the mother of your child.

        • Jackie says:

          You are completely misunderstanding and assuming. I’ve supported these kids…financially and otherwise. But it’s not a situation of being poor, but refusing to get a job. Refusing to do the basics. It is in no way a judgement on all young parents. The grandmother was a parent at 17, and they took responsibility and did great.

          Every situation is different. I’m not judging you, or anyone else. But there’s a lack of understanding for the situation of those who step up to the plate and get involved. Who sacrifice everything so they can see the doctor since they don’t have the money to pay the bills. You don’t know me any more than I know you, and you don’t know this situation.

          • V's Mom says:

            This is the part that is offensive…

            Neither birth parent has any income at all, and are both under age. They aren’t even close to facing the reality before them. And I’ll be darned surprised if the guy sticks around for more than 6 months.

            Without any of us knowing your situation that sounds extremely judgmental and like you feel you are entitled to their child because they are young and poor.

            No I don’t know your situation and if you took them in and tried to help them keep their family together then I think that is incredible! Or did you adopt their child?

          • Cassi says:

            I refuse to give any kind of special understanding or acknowledgement to adoptive parents for “stepping up to the plate” or “sacrificing” for their children. That is what parents do. I absolutely refuse to believe that adoptive parents deserve some kind of special acknowledgement for doing exactly what the majority of parents do – loving and taking care of their children.

            I don’t think I will ever understand why so many adoptive parents demand acknowledgement for what they have done for their children when it is no better than what we all, as parents, should do for our children.

          • Jackie says:

            The last I’ll say on the subject, because it’s not useful to keep trying to explain something with minimal facts.

            The mother came to us to ask us to adopt. We hadn’t even considered the possibility. We asked if she was sure. She said she didn’t want the kid. At all. So we handled everything. Then she changed her mind. Which is absolutely her right. I never claimed it wasn’t. But once the decision was made, no other efforts were made to take care of the child (who hasn’t been born yet). Neither of the parents has a job. The father has refused to get a job. Yes, love is free, but diapers and food are not. They’re going to be poor even with a job, but just refusing to get a job is not the act of a parent. It’s the act of a child. Their parents and I have spent months trying to get them to take this seriously and do what is needed to be parents. And nothing has changed. The last thing I want to see is another neglected kid in the world because their parents refused to grow up and take responsibility.

            I still hold out hope that things will change. But every day gives them less time to do it.

            And now, I’m done explaining. You can keep judging me if you want, but I know that I’m doing what’s best for everyone. I’m just not explaining it well because it’s a long complicated story. Either way this family will remain in my life because I’m not going to abandon my best friend because her daughter is making poor choices. I’ll continue to support them, just not financially any longer.

      • Greg says:

        I don’t think it’s fair to judge am expectant parents decision regardless of what their situation is. The decision to place their child for adoption or parent is their decision and no one else’s. What I don’t think is fair to anyone is for someone to decide to parent but then neglect their parenting duties and then the child ends up in a Foster home and gets jerked around. But this isn’t always the case. In some cases young parents who decide to parent make sacrifices and are supported by their parents become great parents and raise confident adults.

        No matter what you believe would be the better situation for a child it isn’t anyone else’s decision but the parents who conceived that child.

        • Jackie says:

          Stating facts is completely different than judging. However I can’t explain months of trying to get people to do what’s necessary to support a child. Their parents and I have been working quite intensely to get them to understand and do the basics.

          I’m going to take leave of this conversation because it’s clear I can’t be understood and thus am wasting my time. But I’ll say it for the last time. Every situation is different. I know a lot of great parents who became parents as teenagers. With and without father involvement. I know guys who stepped up and guys who didn’t. None of that has anything to do with the situation we’re in now. They have very little time to straighten up and have a way to support a child. So yes, they are absolutely allowed to decide to be parents, but saying it and doing what is necessary to actually be a parent are two very different things. I’m sick of seeing neglected children in the world, and I’m doing everything I can to keep one more from being added to that list.

          • V's Mom says:

            Maybe it isnt ethical for you to be involved in “getting them to do what they need to do to become parents”. The words you use makes it sound like you have nothing but disrespect for these young people. It isnt your responsibility to get them to do anything and it sound more like you involvement is to get access to their child not to truly help them. If you truly wanted to help them, bring them food, give them things they will need for the baby, offer to babysit…THAT is helping, not taking their baby away because you deem them unworthy.

          • Jackie says:

            We aren’t taking their baby away from them. We are trying to help them so they can keep the baby and take care of it. Please stop assuming and projecting onto what I’m saying because I never said anything about taking the child away. Your personal situation is not the situation I’m talking about. Everyone is trying to help them be parents, as I explained.

            I’m sorry you keep taking what I’m saying poorly, but there’s not much I can do about that except to leave.

          • Greg says:

            Understood Jackie, I get where you are coming from and respect it. I apologize for misunderstanding.

            That’s a rough situation because really there is nothing anyone can do. You can’t force the parents to grow up and take responsibility. It’s people like them that give young parents who are capable of raising a child a bad name. The inevitable outcome for that child unless the parents grow up is for the child to be jerked around in Foster Care. It should never come to that but unfortunately it happens. A situation like that is never in the best interest of the child.

          • Greg says:

            Vs Mom,

            It isn’t Jackie’s responsibility to provide for that child. It’s the parents responsibility. By doing the job the parents should be doing you are enabling the parents bad behavior. I hope that isn’t what you are suggesting.

            The only help that anyone can provide them is guidance and leave it up to them. Jackie’s intentions clearly show that is what she is trying to do. For her best case scenario is they take responsibility and shape up parenting a child.

      • V's Mom says:

        I dont know where I ever said anyone is responsible to support anyone financially. I believe what I suggested, if she is that concerned about the situation, she could help in other ways for these young people to keep their baby, but it looks more like she wants to adopt it so is getting more involved in trying to insure that happens. This is about the kids and there is research upon research of the effects of adoption and separation from Mothers does to them.

        She is calling them birth parents and they are not birth parents until they sign TPR. Calling them that before hand is coercion.

        So have I misread what was written?

        • Greg says:

          If you go back and read everything she wrote she clarified that she has offered advice for them. Telling the father he needs to get a job to support his family is all she can do. If you go back and re read she clearly makes the point that she wants them to step up and be responsible parents. But she would rather adopt the child than it be neglected. I don’t think you believe that being with parents who neglect is ok as long as there is a biological connection.

          • Vs Mom says:

            Of course I wouldn’t want a child to be neglected, my point was she is behaving as though she wants to control the situation so when they fail she can be right there to receive the baby. Could just be how I’m interpreting the way she is writing.

          • Jackie says:

            I tried to be very clear. I don’t know what else could be made more clear. Everyone has been working very hard to get them both to wake up and see what’s going on. Thankfully, our efforts were not in vain. Since all the adults involved put our feet down the mother is finally able to see the stuff the father has been pulling. And she’s now doing everything she needs to in order to provide for her kid – which was the goal the entire time.

            She’s now signed up for medicaid and a job training program so she can go back to school and support herself and the baby, no matter what the father decides he’s going to do.

            Please stop judging me and assuming I’m some horrible person with a secret agenda to take this kid from its mother. I’m not. And I wouldn’t be here, reading all the bad things people have to say about PAPs if I was. I have no interest in adopting from someone who was coerced. That’s why we’re avoiding all agencies. But hey, if you choose to still see me as the bad guy, go for it. I think I’ll stick to just reading this blog occasionally rather than commenting. Greg is doing a wonderful job and I thank him. Best of luck to everyone.

    • Greg says:

      Robin,

      Are you saying that PAP don’t experience loss and grief when they are selected by eparents but then decide to parent after birth? Take the whole concept of the baby having a home concept and look at it strictly from an emotional standpoint on the PAP end.

      See this is where I get bothered where there is a complete lack of disrespect for PAPs and their feelings and emotions. That we should just become Foster Parents and have our emotions toyed with. To which I ask is that about how many children you are Foster Parents too.

      I am not denying the life long pain birth/first parents go through. But PAPs are human beings too with feelings and emotions that deserve to be respected as well.

      • V's Mom says:

        Yes but there is NO WAY you can compare the loss a HAP feels when a Mom changes her mind to the loss that same mother would have felt in losing her baby. How many would have been aparents search for a baby that was almost theirs 18 years later? How many grown children who were almost surrendered look for would have been aparents when they turn 18? Not the same loss at all. That part of our soul never heals.

        • Greg says:

          I’m not comparing or saying that one is more painful than the other. The only thing I will say is that for infertile people who decide to become prospective/hopeful adoptive parents their child never existed. The possibility of a reunion doesn’t exist and it wasn’t by their choice it was the situation they were handed by nature. This is something that never heals and adopting or fostering a child never heals. It’s something that will always be with us no matter what.

          So again I’m not going to sit here and make this a contest of whose pain is greater. All I am saying is that our pain is recognized, respected and not discounted.

          • Victoria Gallegos says:

            I may be wrong but I believe this is what she’s saying…

            You meet an expectant mother “Jill” and she asks you to adopt her baby. You go to doctor appointments, you get to know her, you’re there for the birth, and then she changes her mind. For the next 18 years are you going to be trying to covertly keep an eye on Jill’s baby. When the baby turns 18 are you going to go to that baby and try to build a relationship as the lost almost parent? Yes the possibility does exist if a baby is already picked out. But PAP’s aren’t going to look for THAT SPECIFIC BABY because that baby was never theirs. They will find another baby. Now if you take Jill’s baby home she will be doing those things, because that is her baby. That is where the huge difference comes in.

          • Greg says:

            Let me ask for this who have relinquished who have gone on to have other children afterwards:

            When you had your other children did the pain of relinquishment go away? I am assuming it doesn’t nor would I expect it to. It’s the same thing for PAPs. It’s never just a matter of finding “another” baby. The pain of something that was taken away from us due to reasons beyond our control will never go away just as yours never does. The type of pain is different for aparents, bparents and especially adoptees. But they all hurt in some way.

          • Greg says:

            To clarify my previous post, what I meant by the same thing I was referring to IF being the trigger for the PAP sadness not the adoption that falls through on the PAP as the relinquishment is on the b/f parents side.

          • Victoria Gallegos says:

            I have relinquished and had other children that I raised afterwards. No it doesn’t take the pain away. But that is not what I was saying. I was saying after you finally do adopt, you don’t still search out the children that might have been yours but weren’t when the mother changed her mind. Us having other children does not stop us from looking for the children we lost. In that there is a difference. I do know how it hurts for PAP to have a failed adoption and I’ve never discounted that. I actually have a friend that had a failed adoption. It was actually a scam. The girl was never pregnant. And I have worked with her and others to help get info to prosecute this woman for the scam. I have been there to talk to her when it hurts. But even then I still say there is a difference.

          • Greg says:

            Victoria they don’t still search because those children never existed. It’s never knowing what might have been. Even if my wife and I decide to pursue adoption and are privileged to be able to adopt it doesn’t take away the pain of never being able to have a biological child with someone I care about more than anyone in the world. You are right that its different but that doesn’t mean the pain isn’t there or that it isn’t intense.

          • Victoria Gallegos says:

            Like I said, I have never disputed the pain adoptive parents feel in a failed adoption. But in the scenario I have the child does exist. If the PAP are in the delivery room and take the baby home the mother will search for that child. If the PAP are in the delivery room and the mother takes the child home, the PAP are not going to search for that child. They are going to search for a child they can adopt. I don’t see where you get that the child doesn’t exist for the PAP in the situation I’m talking about? I’m sorry. I’m truly not trying to be difficult, but I do want to understand what you mean.

          • Greg says:

            Sorry Victoria, looking back I can see how I wasn’t clear.

            I’m coming from a infertile perspective. For someone who is infertile who pursues adoption for them being infertile is their trauma the way relinquishment is the trauma for the birth/first parent. While the birth/first parents child will always be out there to find (actually finding them is a different story) the infertile who pursues adoption can never find their child because they never exist.

            The adoption placement that doesn’t happen becomes a trigger for the infertile pursuing adoption the way any type of loss can be for a birth/first parent. On the other hand a placement that does happen while is a joyful time for the then adoptive parents (obviously devastating time for the then birth/first parents) still does not heal the wounds of Infertilty.

            Does this make sense? And no you aren’t being difficult and I hope that I’m not being as well. I apologize if I have.

          • Victoria Gallegos says:

            Thank you. No you are not being difficult. We just had a miscommunication. Happens with me all the time. :)

            Thank you for clarifying. I don’t really understand your loss and never will. But I know you hurt from it.I wasn’t trying to be dismissive. I can vaguely understand what you feel, but in no way could I understand completely.

      • Cassi says:

        To me, it is disrespectful to come on a post such as this and demand we acknowledge Pap’s loss when what they go through is minor compared to what a mother suffers when losing her own child.

        Much like the “surface” of Claud’s experience, Pap’s lose the idea of a child. They have a vision of the need they want filled by a child, much like Claud had the vision of the need she wanted filled by a cat, and then they come upon an opportunity to have that need filled and they build up their expectations. But the fact of the matter is, another child, just like another cat for Claud, will fill that need if the first opportunity does not work out. Just like Claud can still go out and find another cat to satisfy what she needs, Paps can do the very same by going out and finding another child to fulfill their needs.

        That is absolutely nothing compared with the terrible loss that was the true trigger for Claud’s reaction. That gut-wrenching loss that never goes away after losing your own child. It stays with us for life and I would bet there are many First Moms who can relate to what happened to Claud because we have been there too. We know just how deep such a terrible loss affects us, even when it seems so irrational. So without cause for such an emotional reaction.

        Unlike Paps, we can’t go out and find another child to satisfy our needs. We don’t just go on to find the next one. Our children are irreplaceable and losing them creates a pain no one can ever understand unless they have lived this reality.

        There is no comparison. There isn’t even anything close to what a Pap suffers compared to what a mother suffers. And to me, I find it completely wrong that anyone would demand respect because they lost their “idea of a child” from someone who has gone through the ultimate hell of losing the most intimate part of themselves. Gone through a hell that those demanding respect can never understand!

        • Greg says:

          Cassi,

          Again as I posted above I in no way am trying to minimize those people who place their babies for adoption. I don’t think it’s fair for me to say my pain is greater than yours or for you to say your pain is greater than mine. Unless you are someone who has gone through both situations (which is physically impossible) there is no way you can compare the two from a first hand account. I acknowledge the lifelong birth/first parent pain but I will not say their pain is any more or less than mine is.

          I apologize if what I wrote came off as a demand. It was intended to be me asking that you acknowledge and not try to minimize our pain.

          But again as I posted above as someone who is not fertile I cannot go out there and just go out get another child to fill the need and erase the pain. The pain will always be there for me no matter what path my wife and I go down. You have no clue how being infertile has sucked the joy out of my life and has put stress on everything and everyone I am surrounded by. Just like Claud’s situation a situation where a prospective adoptive parent who is selected but then the expectant parent decides to parent the child rips open that wound for the infertile PAP caused by infertility. While it is what is best for the parent and child, all I am asking is that the PAPs feelings are not minimized or discounted. I also don’t believe first/birth parents should make their decision based upon sympathy for the PAPs. They should make an educated decision based upon what they feel is best for themselves. But at the same time they shouldn’t use or play with PAPs emotions just as PAPs and Adoption agencies shouldn’t do the same.

          • V's Mom says:

            “I also don’t believe first/birth parents should make their decision based upon sympathy for the PAPs.”

            I dont know if you have adopted yet but this statement right here is why many first Moms cannot change their minds. Pre-birth matching is coercion. Im not trying to nit pick or go off on a tangent but you mentioned it so I felt you deserve the knowledge if you are still planning to adopt. If an expectant Mom chooses you and wants to meet you fine…but please dont try forming some kind of friendship with her until after she has had her baby and truly knows what it means to be separated. Moms feel tremendous guilt going back on their word and will continue with the adoption because of the friendship and sympathy. I know if I hadnt known my daughters adoptive parents beforehand (28 yrs ago) there would have been no way I could have walked out of the hospital with empty arms.

          • V's Mom says:

            I also wanted to add to the post below that the other things you can do to help an expectant Mom who has chosen you is to leave her alone at her Dr appts and at the hospital. All having HAPs around is to reinforce her feeling of not having any rights to her child and the guilt she feels about wanting to keep her baby. Even if she asks keep out of the delivery room. This is the ONLY time she will have with her baby…if she continues with the adoption you will have that child forever, she wont. Being that overly involved in the pregnancy is a form of coercion and inhibits her ability to make a clear choice.

          • Greg says:

            I have not adopted yet. My wife and I are considering adopting but are only in the research process. Sites like this have helped put everything in perspective. I appreciate your feedback.

            At least for us, if an emom/dad wanted to meet us if they were considering placing their child for adoption prior to birth all we would want to accomplish is for them to get to know us. The decision to place or select us if placing is her decision is theirs alone. We do not want to be pulled into a situation where we are attending doctor’s appointments or providing anything financially for her and getting anymore emotions into it than there already are. It would play with our emotions just as much as hers and we’ve been through so much already. For me there would be plenty of time to form that relationship/friendship after the adoption is finalized (if that decision was made by the eparents).

            But as far as keeping out of the delivery room if she requests us to do so, that’s a tough spot. I wouldn’t be insulted if she didn’t want us there, I would understand why. But if she wanted us to I wouldn’t want to insult her. If she still decided to place after that we would be a part of her family and she would be a part of ours. I wouldn’t want to get the relationship with her on the wrong foot. For me our relationship with her is as important as the one with the child.

            So I disagree with you that “we will have the child forever”. While we would be raising the child, she will always have the child. Nothing can change the fact that she gave birth to and has that biological connection. Whatever that would be would be dependent on what was comfortable for all parties. If she only wanted updates the first few years of the child’s life because of the emotional pain she was going through we would understand. We would leave the door open for that to change based upon her circumstances and comfort level. But I’m probably getting ahead of myself here considering we haven’t even decided whether we’ll pursue adoption.

          • V's Mom says:

            Greg,
            I am glad that you are trying to educate yourself before adopting. There are a few thing though that aparents assume are truth that is not when it comes to first parents…one of which is how honest an emom/fmom is being with you. You have to understand that you hold all the cards, even before baby is born there is an equity of power. After finalization first moms have to say and do whatever you say goes because if we dont, or let you know honestly how we really feel, you could disappear. And really do you want to know how we really feel? Most adoptive parents would probably be crushed to know the depth of the pain of losing our babies, knowing in a way they were the ones responsible for us feeling the way we do (which is why I dont understand if people had such a great interest in the good of the child then they would work to keep families together, not pull them apart) So yes, in our eyes you do have that child forever, even in the most open of adoptions. Mine was/is extremely open and she isnt my daughter anymore, and her adoptive parents are incredibly loving and compassionate to me.

          • Greg says:

            V’s Mom,

            I appreciate your feedback.

            I do agree with some of your comments but disagree with others. I don’t agree with you that your daughter isn’t your daughter anymore. She will always be your daughter. I also don’t agree that only the adoptive parents have the child forever. To me both sets have the child forever. No it doesn’t take away or even ease your pain for that matter but at least for me she is your daughter (as well as her adoptive mom’s daughter).

            I also don’t agree that the adoptive parents control the pre placement process. The only control they have is how they present themselves to eparents. They don’t control whether they are selected or who selects them or when they are selected. Aparents could have a very short period of time to prepare themselves to bring home a baby with little notice. It’s just the nature of what adoption is. I’ve been told by aparents that the ability to let go of things is the best thing you can do in that spot.

            Where I agree with you is that the emom/fmom may not (likely won’t) disclose their deep down feelings to the aparents. I wouldn’t expect them to for fear of how the aparents might react. I get that. But understand on the flip side that aparents wounds of IF are never healed even after adoption. I wouldn’t love that child any less and would put all of my heart into raising that child but deep down I would still hurt. I am not sure if I would disclose that to the birth/first parents for fear that they would use it against me at some point no matter how close our relationship was. To answer your question, I would care how they were feeling but I wouldn’t press them to tell me. I don’t think forcing the issue on either side can be done.

            Another point I disagree on is that aparents are responsible for how you feel. The aparents weren’t responsible for conception of the child nor were they responsible for the placement of the child. Blaming the aparents for your hurt is like IF aparents blaming birth/first parents for their hurt. While it might be directed that way it’s not the actual cause for the hurt. The sadness to me is the decision that was made and what it means.

            In a perfect world there would not be IF or situations where eparents consider placing their child for adoption. Both situations suck, any way you cut it because there are so many emotions involved. But it is what it is and we are all trying to make the best of it by learning from past experiences. Forums such as this are needed for people to express and share experiences.

            Again I thank you for your feedback and honesty.

          • V's Mom says:

            I defenitely never meant aparents are responsible for frist parents feelings. I think what you are referring to is what I said about keeping families together. Adoption is all under the cloak of what is best for the child but most times it isnt. At first its fear the emom has about her ability to be a Mom, and HAPs wants to be a parent. After its more about how the adults feel about either side and how all four of them figure out their relationship will be. The kid IS lost in all of that even though everyone is trying to make it work.

            My daughter is pushing 30 and expecting her first baby and I can tell you she does NOT see me as a maternal person in her life even though I was there all the time in her life. To her Im not her Mom, Im her “birth” Mom. I will not be Grandma to her children. THAT is what its all about, how the adoptee sees life once they are grown. Having an amom and fmom be so close to each other was damaging to her. It was damaging for any relationship her and I could have had. Ive been told recently by an adult adoptee that if they had been able to be around their fmom it would have been horrible for them to witness what their life should have been…especially watching her raise other kids from the sidelines. Its hard to know what it will look like for adult adoptees in open adoptions at this point because there just arent many out there yet, but this is something to keep in mind.

            I most DEFINITELY do not blame my daughters aparents for my pain. They in fact had only sort of looked into adoption a few years before and decided against it for some reason (they are friends of the family). I blame society and the industry for taking advantage of vulnerable young women and HAPs wants. They paint a rosy picture to emoms without making them fully aware of how deep and how long this pain can last. They take advantage of HAPs want for a child by charging exorbitant prices for them to get that child….in essence selling you a child. All of it is wrong.

          • Laurel Ehrichs says:

            I just thought I would throw out there for food for thought when stating that birthparents couldn’t understand infertility. Secondary infertility is a really common occurrence in parents who relinquish.

          • Greg says:

            Laurel while you are correct about secondary infertility being common, secondary infertility is different than primary infertility. So no, I don’t think it is something you would understand just as I would never understand your pain.

  5. Trish says:

    Your story ripped my heart out! I am a birth/biological mother and HUGS is all I can say!

  6. Holly says:

    Yes, when my bio grandmother died. I was informed by text. I cried like I never cried before in my entire life. I didn’t go to the funeral because of the bmom (I was her dirty little secret, but yet most everybody knew already) Because of my amom, she didn’t even bother telling me my agrandma passed away, hence I didn’t go to her funeral. Here I was going thru the same thing, because of the moms I didn’t go to my grandmas funeral. But it was deeper than that. I lost my bio grandma when I was born and I was loosing her again. I think I cried for everything over the coarse of the next several days to weeks. I’m not really sure, I was in this fog for quite some time. I was finally morning the loss of my entire family and didn’t know how to handle all the tears, this had never happened to me. I also faced my bmom via email. She cussed me out and wants no contact. After I processed it all, I felt releaved that I could put the bmom to rest. I still have the adoptee moments, but they aren’t as long or as bad as they once were. It certainly confused me and surprised me that I responded to death in that way. I just don’t cry at funerals, I turn the emotions off, then I don’t ever deal with it. You just never know what a person is going thru or how they will react. It was like I was reliving the loss that I suffered when I was born.

  7. Sad Adoptee says:

    Wow! I can’t even finish reading all these comments. Reading how all the PAP’s want children, want want want. What about the feelings of the adopted baby. It shouldn’t be all about the wants of the PAP’s. The adoptee is scared for life. So we should be left with our bio parents if at all possible. If you really love babies, children, etc. You would see that a baby needs their bio family. When I read some of these posts, I have read about the wants and needs of PAP’s. The baby SHOULD come first. That is where a baby belongs. If a mother changes her mind, then the baby should stay with their bio mom or dad. That is where we belong. This just makes me so sick. The best place for a baby is with their bios. This should be a given fact. I certainly wish there was more compassion for the babies. We belong with our bios, this should be first and foremost. Wow, how cruel for PAP’s to want the baby when the bio mother wants to keep her baby. Well, good for the bio mothers to realize the importance of raising her baby.

  8. Victoria Gallegos says:

    The only thing I am going to comment on is the psychological testing. My son was adopted out of foster care. He was adopted by a psycho. She was mentally and verbally a abusive. She never “bonded” with him because she didn’t want a son. She wanted a daughter. She had him from the time he was 3 months old, so it wasn’t the same issues as getting a big kid. At 17 she put him out of her house and told him she never wanted to see him or hear from him again. He was no longer welcome in her home. I don’t think there is enough done to make sure that adoptive parents should be allowed to adopt. My son is only one case. There are countless cases of abuse and death at the hands of adoptive parents.

    I am not saying all are bad. There are a lot of wonderful adoptive parents. But in my opinion if someone is helping you to have (adopt) a child, they should make sure you are sane. Big difference in giving birth and shooting. But that’s just my opinion.

    • Holly says:

      Sorry your son was treated badly. I can relate to that. I too was adopted by a psyco. I was told that I was grown and there wasn’t any tax advantage when I turned 18, so I need to get out. There are more bad adoptions than what you think.

      • Victoria Gallegos says:

        I know there are a lot of bad ones. :( I read about them all the time. I just wish the people looking to adopt or have good adoptions would admit to how many go wrong.

        • Greg says:

          Could you show where anyone said there weren’t sick people who adopted and weren’t adoptees who had an awful childhood? I don’t think anyone said that.

          In fact I hate those adoptive parents who adopted for the wrong reasons and did not support their adoptive children in every way possible (beyond just providing them with finances). It gives all adoptive parents and people looking into adoption a bad name. Similar to those young mothers who neglect their children giving other young mothers a bad name. Not everyone fits a stereotype.

          Holly, Victoria and Sad Adoptee I am sorry you and your loved ones were mistreated.

          • Victoria Gallegos says:

            What brought that up for me was this statement you made, ” you seem to have an issue with the vetting of adoptive parents process. Those who know of or have gone through the process know that it is very extensive even more so for Foster Parents.”

            no you didn’t say anything else. But I see it on other sites, other blogs all the time. But as far as this goes, my biggest issue is CPS and foster care. I can see how it may happen in private adoption or through an agency. But children are in foster care because CPS “knows” the first family is no good for whatever reason. Every parent involved in CPS has to have a psychological evaluation and a lot of times therapy. But they don’t expect that from the foster parents. They have the opportunity and the obligation to watch these families and protect these children and a lot of times they fail miserably.

          • Greg says:

            Fair point Victoria on Foster Care about not wanting to take a child from one bad home only to put them in another. I do know that the training process is intense for Foster Care depending upon the state not necessarily everyone passes. But that doesn’t mean bad parents will all be weeded out. Which is unfortunate but a reality.

          • Victoria Gallegos says:

            Yes, sadly they still get through. Though I know a lot of good foster parents, too. My second son was adopted by a wonderful woman. I truly feel like we are an extended family. I’m not scared to talk to her about how I feel. :)

            But in all fairness on this foster care thing, my county is extremely corrupt. :( I know there are other corrupt places too. But I also know there are social workers that take their job very seriously and do everything they can to make sure children are in a safe loving home. I just wish they were all like that.

      • Victoria Gallegos says:

        I also wanted to ask, do you have a blog? are you in reunion with your first family? I am so sorry about what happened to you. I wish they were better able to weed the psychos out of adoption when it does happen.

  9. Michelle says:

    I’m so sorry this caused the trauma of relinquishment to surface Claude. I agree with you that its beneficial to be able to identify what’s going on when those feelings arise, and that women (and adoptees) who don’t first understand that a trauma has occurred are not able to make the necessary connection to the original trauma and therefor are less able to adddress the situation or feelings in a way that’s helpful.

    It seems clear to me as well that what you experienced had to do entirely with relinquishment. I have real trouble with people reading the post and then demanding that their grief be acknowledged instead of simply acknowledging yours.

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