Infertility Does NOT Give You the Right to Adopt!

if you hear the pain in a woman's voice, and choose to shut it out....that says something about you. it says nothing about the voice you choose not to hear

The Mormons Have Adoption ALL Screwed Up Again

Listen, I am not bashing a religion. I have known people of the Mormon faith before and I like them just fine, but when it comes to adoption, in particular the Mormons and the  LDS church and Utah are really messed up with their choices in understanding adoption and most particular adoption losses. You would think after the rash of Father’s Trampled Rights as portrayed by the media, they would maybe stop and reexamine how they look at adoption, but no. This has Utah and Mormon blessings all over it.

The latest batch of pro-adoption propaganda, “What’s Mine is Yours”, by Katherine Nelson and Deanna Harper, has set a “beautiful” song that highlights the pain and suffering of infertility while promoting adoption and glorifying relinquishment.

Katherine Nelson and Deanna Harper Miss the Mark with “What’s Mine is Yours”

So we’ll do a little back story here.

Apparently, Katherine Nelson  is a singer songwriter and this song :what’s Mine is Yours’ is off her new album “Born Brave” which is supposed to be about inspiring stories that support women.

Deanna Harper is songwriter who also happens to suffer infertility.

Now IF this song just happened to tell the story of infertility loss then I would not have any issue at all, but they don’t do that. While I can understand and actually relate  the sentiments of Deanna Harper in this interview where she says:

I soon came to understand that a lot of women have had this experience.  These same women rarely talk about it.  Feeling strange for caring so much about a baby you never held.  You get pregnant in the summer, your mind thinks, “How far along will I be in the fall?  Where will I be at Christmas?  Can I travel then?  When will the baby be due?  Is it a boy or a girl?  How old will I be when they start kindergarten?”  You cannot help but go there..

Exempt, of course, in my mind it relates to adoption loss. Yes, close to 10 million of us have lost our children to adoption. We have historically had no opportunity to talk about and even now are met with either the self sacrificing pedestal of birthmother sainthood or told it’s our own fault for being too foolish, trusting, irresponsible, fertile, or just not “keeping our legs closed”. I know it’s hard to image a child lost, but it’s equally impossible NOT to wonder about the child you lost that still lives on and calls another women mother.

IF she stuck to telling the tale about infertility, then Katherine  Nelson would be fine with saying:

Most importantly, my hope is that this song helps women in these situations know they are not alone

I would still be relating, but then, it all turns to adoption propaganda.  She says about the song:

This song was written for every woman who has the heart of a mother, both old and young, and especially to those who yearn for a family of their own. 

But with this song and the simplification and romanticism made of the relinquishing mother, Katherine  Nelson leaves out millions of real mothers who have suffered a real loss of living, breathing children, many now gown adults. And often this trauma was inflicted by the hands who those claim to want others to understand; women who should be able to appreciate the true longing to be mothers. She promotes a false cure, a band aide, in adoption, by glorifying the very need that claimed so many of our children. That song is not for every women. The birthmother was forgotten again and the adoptee possible feelings in question are not considered at all.

Deanna Harper says “We can be united as women. Not judging, but supporting each other and appreciating our differences”, but not as long as a certain class of females finds it acceptable to harvest another class of female’s children based on their desires and financial flux. That’s not supporting women. That’s more than appreciating differences. It’s coveting thy neighbor’s child.

As if it wasn’t already so strongly obviously alluded to, Deanna Harper spells out her version of the adoption happily ever after fairy tale:

When you think of those who can’t have children, your mind often turns to those who adopt, as well as those who have given children up for adoption. Giving a child up is not an easy decision and takes unbelievable bravery.  It is a selfless decision that becomes an answer to many heartfelt prayers offered up by a longing family.

So you want to think that people selfless give up their children because it makes a more deserving and better planned out family happy?

NO NO NO.. You Have it ALL Wrong!

Adoption relinquishment in any form should NOT be about meeting the needs of infertile couples no matter how much they desire to be parents or no matter how much loss they have already suffered. How is it that they cannot see that by adopting through domestic infant relinquishment they are simply transferring their pain unto another women? The very same feelings of loss and grief they feel for the children unborn due to infertility is now the life time of grief and loss that must be carried by another women for her very real breathing child.

It is not brave; it is giving up our very real motherhood and abandoning our babies based on self doubts, fears and lack of support. Relinquishment has a good chances of screwing the mothers up and adoption by nature has a good chance of messing with the adoptee. I know nobody wants to see that, but no matter what you want to see, it is, very simply, true. No amount of wishing is gonna change that.

The Glories of Adoption at the R House

Now, much of what I have found on this song comes from a blog that I have not found my way to before; The R House. I spent a bit of time reading there and while they are in Utah, and adoptive parents through domestic infant adoption times three, and glorify the whole process, I feel the desire to say something kind. I’m not sure what I could say that is kind, but I don’t feel hatred or anything and I am sure that they are very nice people. Yet, yet, yet, oh they have got God and adoption all kinds of crazy mixed up.  And well, once again, adoption from the adoptive parents point of view is just always so unfathomable for me. I get all flabbergasted.

I can’t help again but wonder; IF you understand how horrible it feels to have a child in your arms for three days and then to have to hand that child over; WHY do you think it’s OK to do to another women? Even if she SAYS it’s OK, it’s NOT going to be really OK for her!! This is what you ask of her? How is any God wanting to bless this?

Back to the Gross ” What’s Yours is Mine” Song

I hate this portion of lyrics the most:

“Teenage girl clinging to the gates of mercy
Holding the weight of the world and her newborn baby
Trying her best to be brave
Wrapped in hope giving him away to a longing family
When her courage met their eyes she saw
Somehow her baby was born to be in their arms
And cried”

They got the crying part right, but fail to mention that she will most like end up spending the rest of her years crying. Do we have to continue to force the stereotype that all birthmothers are “teenagers’ who are just “too young and not ready” to parent? Must we use the false positives of “brave” and “courage” to entice women to do what goes against their every instinct and their natural desires to parent? Can we stop bring God and destiny into the adoption equation with the excuse that if a couple is “longing” they have a right to help themselves to another women’s child? If they want to talk about God, then they really should go read Adoptee Restoration!

Finally, while  Katherine Nelson gets this right:  “All our children are handed us by God,” she fails to see that God hands the children to their parents. No matter how you slice it, MY god will not condone suffering in the name of adoption even if the receiving parties are “longing”. Children are not gifts to be given away for any reason..and besides, does not God give us only what we can handle? So how come it is not seen that the children conceived are meant to be with their natural parents and infertility is what God gave you to shoulder?

Just. Please. Stop.

“What’s Mine is Yours’ Lyrics and Video

What out, the song gets stuck in your head and may cause illness of the mind, body, and spirit.

Counting down days since nine months last summer
From the baby quilts to the sunshine light-switch cover
All the plans she made
Wall-papered dreams she made for him someday

Doctor hardly glanced her way shut off the monitor
As he walked out the door said “You’re young, there’ll be others”
No sirens or loud screams
No rushing or comforting
It was just over

On the longest road toward home
She parked in the church lot and cried
And said

What’s mine is yours
It’s always been
What slips through my hands has your fingerprints on it
I’m letting go
Though Heaven’s doors feel shut they’re wide open
What’s mine is yours

Teenage girl clinging to the gates of mercy
Holding the weight of the world and her newborn baby
Trying her best to be brave
Wrapped in hope giving him away to a longing family

When her courage met their eyes she saw
Somehow her baby was born to be in their arms
And cried


In this life we come and go and say goodbye
But there’s more than we can see with our own eyes
And when my faith’s a thread-bare blanket and I can’t take it anymore
I remember

What’s mine is yours

I’m letting go
Though heaven’s doors feel shut they’re wide open
What’s mine is yours

“When her courage met their eyes she saw
Somehow her baby was born to be in their arm”


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About the Author

Claudia Corrigan DArcy
Claudia Corrigan D’Arcy has been online and involved in the adoption community since early in 2001. Blogging since 2005, her website Musings of the Lame has become a much needed road map for many mothers who relinquished, adoptees who long to be heard, and adoptive parents who seek understanding. She is also an activist and avid supporter of Adoptee Rights and fights for nationwide birth certificate access for all adoptees with the Adoptee Rights Coalition. Besides here on Musings of the Lame, her writings on adoption issue have been published in The New York Times, BlogHer, Divine Caroline, Adoption Today Magazine, Adoption Constellation Magazine,, Lost Mothers, Grown in my Heart, Adoption Voice Magazine, and many others. She has been interviewed by Dan Rather, Montel Williams and appeared on Huffington Post regarding adoption as well as presented at various adoption conferences, other radio and print interviews over the years. She resides in New York’s Hudson Valley with her husband, Rye, children, and various pets.

29 Comments on "Infertility Does NOT Give You the Right to Adopt!"

  1. I was born to be in my mother’s arms. I’m adopted and it hurts terribly. No one want to be an adoptee. Most people don’t even want to imagine how we feel.

  2. Matt Potter | February 4, 2013 at 8:11 pm |

    Very good article. Couples who are infertile have suffered a very real loss and must be given support so that they can fully grieve that loss. But they must recognize that it is a LOSS, not a temporary setback that can easily be bandaged over by taking possession of another woman’s child. And thank you for addressing the “meant to be” myth, epitomized by Rosie O’Donnell’s statement to her adopted children that “God made a mistake and put you in another mommy’s tummy”. As if some social worker who is part of a corrupt system can possibly divine God’s will. Adoption is not destiny or divine providence — it is simply human beings imposing their will to get what they want.

    • I don’t understand your statement: “Adoption is not destiny or divine providence — it is simply human beings imposing their will to get what they want.” Was the couple who engaged in the sexual intercourse that produced a child not imposing their will to get what THEY wanted? If the children who are put up for adoption NOT put up for adoption, what is to happen to them? Adoptive parents are not STEALING the children, therefore there must be SOME amount of voluntary decision-making going on by the birth parents.

  3. This has GOT TO STOP! Enough!
    This is good, but I need to point out the fact that the grieving is NOT the same between Mothers and Adoptive women!
    Not even close. The Adopter wins, the Mother suffers for a LIFETIME. That song sucks!

    • “”” Do we have to continue to force the stereotype that all birthmothers are “teenagers’ who are just “too young and not ready” to parent? Must we use the false positives of “brave” and “courage” to entice women to do what goes against their every instinct and their natural desires to parent?””

      I’m a Grandma with Guardianship, if I can do it so can other Grand-parents!

  4. Ugh that is so sickening.

  5. “Brave”?? I HATE hearing that. When I gave up my daughter, I was anything BUT “brave.” I was weak…too weak to stand up for what I knew was right for me and my child. Too weak to pick up my crying baby and run out of the hospital. Too weak to tell everyone else to shut up and listen to me. “Brave”? Pffft. That’s a joke.

    And that song is…disturbing. :/

    • Eileen Burke | February 5, 2013 at 11:21 am |

      I feel the same way, I cringe when someone calls me brave. It would have been brave for me to stand up and take responsibility for my child. It would have been brave for me to tell all the naysayers in my life to go to hell. It would have been brave if I did some research and sought out programs to help me raise my child.

      Bravery had no part in my adoption experience. No, I allowed myself to be steamrolled over and told what was best.

      I’m so sick of the fake adopto-speak I could scream. If I hear selfless, brave, loving choice, did the right thing, placed, made an adoption plan, paper pregnant, tummy mommy, adoption is the new pregnant, grew in my heart, etc. again I am seriously going to lose my shizz.

      Sorry, this comment took a detour to crazy town ha!

  6. I resent that *I* have to carry *her* grief alongside mine, that she is the “best mother in the universe and no other mother in the universe loves [my son] more!” She told my son that if he leaves she will cease to exist; having a gf would be “stealing” him from her and she couldn’t bear to live if that ever happened. Yet my love and grief are considered dishonest histrionics. It makes me ill every day. When my son said to me that “women like you owe women like my mother their babies” that just sums it up nicely, don’t you think?

  7. I want to vomit- I wasn’t brave, I wasn’t courageous, I was bullied, lied to, threatened, and my family didn’t really try to help me- they asked me once if I Was sure. That’s it- Frak these entitled people who think pain is ever ok, who think an infant, any infant will make up for their pain and grief. If you can’t breed, perhaps it’s God’s way of saying no.

    • Who cares if they can’t breed or not. Exactly, “God’s way of saying no to them”
      They should except their loss and move on to more ‘helpful’ things like helping a single mother KEEP her child. But no, they’re way to selfish for that.

      • Oh my gosh! The gall!! You have ababy you can’t take care of and someone ELSE should help YOU raise it?? NOw that’s the epitomy of selfishness! Where’s the birth father? The grandparents? You defy words!

      • Entitled people? You sound like you think your “entitled” to someone helping you? “My family didn’t really try to help me” Boo Hoo. Put on your big girl panties and do it your self! Don’t get pregnant if you can’t step up and take care of yourself and your responsibilities. If you can’t take care of your kid, maybe thats Gods way of saying NO. And why should infertile people help you keep a child? Sounds like YOU should except YOUR loss and move on! After all, you made the decision not to parent. Infertile people had no choice to be infertile and would have loved to have birthed the child you gave away. Why don’t you move on and help a single mother keep her child? Noone held a gun to your head to make you give your kid away. Stop blaming others and accept responsibilty for your decisions!
        -allie, adoptee

        • Allie,
          You sound so very upset. Now, you also identify yourself as an adoptee, so I am just going to guess that some of the things I am saying are rather triggering for you because they might happen to make you question your own feelings on your relinquishment. Perhaps this is the first time you have had to think about what your own birthmother might feel in terms of loss and that doesn’t jive with what you have been taught to believe. That’s OK. We all go through that!
          So given that, wow.. so much anger towards me! Have you even questioned why you would feel so much anger? I mean, if you are so thrilled to be adopted, then why be so pissed off and nasty? Now I am also going to assume that you read more here than this post because you are not really referencing this post in your comment, but I’ll try to do the best I can anyway.
          Yes, there are people that seem to feel entitled to parent. Because they followed all the social rules, waited to have children, after the house and marriage and finical security and then they couldn’t for whatever reason, they cry foul. I have huge amounts of empathy for infertility, but that doesn’t give one a right to take an other person’s child. Yes, life is unfair sometimes. It is very sad for them, but that still doesn’t make THEM better or more suited to parent that does not need a a family. I personally would prefer to live in a society where the scared bond between mother and child is honored and where we understand and support motherhood and children. I don’t want to see the young or poor prosecuted and have their children removed because they are stuck in a temporary financial situation. To me, that is more than just unfair, it is a preventable tragedy. If a mother needs help to be able to stay at home and care for her baby, then I have no issue with her getting that.

          Now in case, you really do not want to see it, mothers DO NOT Get over the loss. even if it is a snotty mean mouth like you. I bet your mother aches deeply upon your birthday and greives terribley, thinks about you daily. ANd no, most of us did not have guns held to our heads, but crappy attitudes and society and our families and the adoption indusrty DOES often FEEL Like a gun. One option does not mean a choice. I suggest you take a deep breath, open your mind and keep reading.

  8. Just found this and am ready to scream, throw things, look away in disgust.

    and Mrs. r’s blog with the tearful pictures…speechless here. She is the kind of woman I can not help but dislike intensely. She has no understanding what her blog comes across as.

  9. What’s mine is NOT some strange woman’s, it is mine. This is so beyond disgusting. I need to stay off of Facebook. It is starting to have the potential to ruin my day.

  10. That song is just the worst…the worst thing, ever.

  11. Read more into the r house. You will see coercion and even more. What you’re reading is not all of it

  12. This was a horribly written article. Without even mentioning the spelling/grammar errors, please research before criticizing a piece of art, rather than making assumptions. This song is written about a true story. It is not “propaganda”. As a songwriter myself, songwriting is often a way to share a story, to share pain, and to provide some form of release. It’s in a sense, a diary. These women were brave for sharing their story, and it’s really a shame that you chose to cut down their personal pain and experience. That being said, I’m a Christian and disagreed with most things in this article. Go ahead and cut my religion down now, too. 😉

    • Funny you should find the need to come over here and complain; I actually had a lovely correspondence with the songwriter about the song and this post earlier today and she understood why this song’s message might be upsetting to those hurt though adoption relinquishment. She apologized for any offenses as as I did to her.
      As for your religion? Seriously, I don’t give a hoot. I have some lovely Christain friends, and Jewish friends, and heathen friends . What I take offense is people claiming to be doing “God’s will” and then breaking a commandment when it suits them just fine. You know.. like “Thou shall NOT covet they neighbor’s wife ( or baby or fertility)”
      As for being horrible written? Whatever, the New York Times seems to think I can write. It might have been a true story but is being used as adoption propaganda. “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” – John Wayne, right? Well instead of just coming here to complain why don’t you bother looking around here and see if you see any signs of that.
      PS your puppy is cute:

      • Might as well have published my email address while you’re at it. I did look around. And while I can respect that this is your opinion, I can not respect your tearing down of others. The writer apologized for something that could have unintentionally offended someone. i hope in your lovely correspondence with her you apologized for intentionally offending her and many others. And thanks. She was a rescue. Hope that doesn’t make me a terrible person.

  13. Infertility loss and a mother’s loss when placing their baby for adoption are both losses. Someone experiences infertility does not have their loss filled by adopting. Their loss is by something that never happened. Their baby is not somewhere out there. Their baby was never born. They will never get updates from someone on their baby. They can never search for their baby if they wanted to. The baby never existed for whatever reason. It’s just a different type of loss that is with that person for the rest of their lives.

    If expectant and first mothers want to help to discourage infertiles from adopting to build their families my suggestion is to educate the public on how common infertility is. Help change public perception that living child free is ok. Don’t treat people w/out children as second class citizens or look down upon them. Understand the emotional pain that they go thorough and that it never leaves them. It can end marriages and destroy lives forever. It’s something that is not a choice but a medical condition that sometimes can’t be explained.

    As much as we may seem different we are more similar than is thought. We both endure life long losses that nothing will ever erase. Both groups are misunderstood by the public. We both are misunderstood by religion with the whole “god’s plan” non sense. So again as much as you may think we are enemies we can be powerful allies.

  14. Wow. Lots of bitter mothers out there. I would honestly like to understand why. Who stole your children? Oh…you gave them up? Ok then. Period. Choice made, life lived, knowing wrong from right. Not all females who bear children want them. Who should take on the responsibility of raising them? The sentiment on this site is that people who adopt, for MANY different reasons besides infertility/”longing” are stealing someone else’s child-that would mean jail time. They’re not. They’re picking up the pieces of the mess you have made of now 2 lives. If you really wanted to raise YOUR child, you should have!! ps-“Adoption Musings: where real conversations about adoption happen.” So is this not a real conversation just because I don’t agree with you? Open YOUR mind!

  15. How in the hell do I unsubscribe from this? I’m sick of seeing adoptors/baby stealers comments in my email, with written wagging of fingers at women who were never fully informed to give consent -and some of us DID NOT GIVE CONSENT. I don’t see how literally crying and begging for help -any help!- to hold on to one’s newborn is abandonment and walking away so assholes can pick up the pieces of the “mess you made.” Stop justifying taking the wanted and loved newborns of other women. The only thing that keeps some of you out of jail for kidnapping is because some judge signed off on the papers YOU submitted. Why don’t you all go fight over the precious few newborns of women who really don’t want their children, since you all know so many.

    Oh yeah, I DID fuck a man and got pregnant. Who fucking cares, except YOU PEOPLE.

  16. Keep spreading the message of how damaging newborn adoption is to families. It is sites like yours that convinced my husband and I to NEVER EVER adopt a newborn. It’s cruel and unusual punishment. Newborn adoption is very rarely needed. And if profits from adoption were made illegal, most if not all of the fetus worshiper would disappear overnight. They profetus industry is just a huge advertisement for the adoption industry. Isnt is strange that(in many hospitals) women can’t get a tubal ligation or sign any contracts, EXCEPT to terminate her parental rights, for adoption until a year post birth?

    • May I ask whether you and your husband have any biological children and whether you did adopt an older child instead of a newborn?

  17. First, the title is unfortunate as children are not objects of possessions – in no situation should a tug-of-war mentality surround them.

    Second, after 5 years of painful/expensive infertility treatment and multiple miscarriages we stopped. We talked of adoption, but it never happened as two years later I was discover to have a life threatening condition, the cause of not being able to have a child. For my own life (I would not have elected to have a surgery) and for any potential child -mine or anothers – we we’re both blessed by not creating or caring for another child.

    Third, there have been many children in my life. I’ve volunteered medical care, tutoring and even took a homeless pregnant woman in my house. Here comes the flip side. I have no doubt this woman grieves for the loss of her child, as it was taken away by the state. I tried very hard to direct her away from unsafe decisions – non sanitary tattoos, unprotected sex with hepatitis infected individual, drugs, sleeping on the cold ground all while carrying and a host of smh behaviors. But for the child’s sake I just keep offering warm meal, a warm bed, vitamins, trips to the doctor, yet she was not a prisoner in my home. Even at the hospital as the newborn faced distress her thoughts were on getting pregnant again so she could get better food assistance. This is not a generalized case, but one that still haunts my memory as I had no rights to follow the child’s path or hers for that matter. There are situations where the child’s needs are what is important. That should be the focus of a rewrite to this song, in my opinion. It is not about my grief, rather what was best for a child or potential child. As a mother you set aside your needs, your fatigue, your freedom, even your dreams to allow children their best. I’m a mother, I just lack children.

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