The Mormons Have Adoption ALL Screwed Up Again
Listen, I am not bashing a religion. I have known people of the Mormon faith before and I like them just fine, but when it comes to adoption, in particular the Mormons and the LDS church and Utah are really messed up with their choices in understanding adoption and most particular adoption losses. You would think after the rash of Father’s Trampled Rights as portrayed by the media, they would maybe stop and reexamine how they look at adoption, but no. This has Utah and Mormon blessings all over it.
The latest batch of pro-adoption propaganda, “What’s Mine is Yours”, by Katherine Nelson and Deanna Harper, has set a “beautiful” song that highlights the pain and suffering of infertility while promoting adoption and glorifying relinquishment.
Katherine Nelson and Deanna Harper Miss the Mark with “What’s Mine is Yours”
So we’ll do a little back story here.
Apparently, Katherine Nelson is a singer songwriter and this song :what’s Mine is Yours’ is off her new album “Born Brave” which is supposed to be about inspiring stories that support women.
Deanna Harper is songwriter who also happens to suffer infertility.
Now IF this song just happened to tell the story of infertility loss then I would not have any issue at all, but they don’t do that. While I can understand and actually relate the sentiments of Deanna Harper in this interview where she says:
I soon came to understand that a lot of women have had this experience. These same women rarely talk about it. Feeling strange for caring so much about a baby you never held. You get pregnant in the summer, your mind thinks, “How far along will I be in the fall? Where will I be at Christmas? Can I travel then? When will the baby be due? Is it a boy or a girl? How old will I be when they start kindergarten?” You cannot help but go there..
Exempt, of course, in my mind it relates to adoption loss. Yes, close to 10 million of us have lost our children to adoption. We have historically had no opportunity to talk about and even now are met with either the self sacrificing pedestal of birthmother sainthood or told it’s our own fault for being too foolish, trusting, irresponsible, fertile, or just not “keeping our legs closed”. I know it’s hard to image a child lost, but it’s equally impossible NOT to wonder about the child you lost that still lives on and calls another women mother.
IF she stuck to telling the tale about infertility, then Katherine Nelson would be fine with saying:
Most importantly, my hope is that this song helps women in these situations know they are not alone
I would still be relating, but then, it all turns to adoption propaganda. She says about the song:
This song was written for every woman who has the heart of a mother, both old and young, and especially to those who yearn for a family of their own.
But with this song and the simplification and romanticism made of the relinquishing mother, Katherine Nelson leaves out millions of real mothers who have suffered a real loss of living, breathing children, many now gown adults. And often this trauma was inflicted by the hands who those claim to want others to understand; women who should be able to appreciate the true longing to be mothers. She promotes a false cure, a band aide, in adoption, by glorifying the very need that claimed so many of our children. That song is not for every women. The birthmother was forgotten again and the adoptee possible feelings in question are not considered at all.
Deanna Harper says “We can be united as women. Not judging, but supporting each other and appreciating our differences”, but not as long as a certain class of females finds it acceptable to harvest another class of female’s children based on their desires and financial flux. That’s not supporting women. That’s more than appreciating differences. It’s coveting thy neighbor’s child.
As if it wasn’t already so strongly obviously alluded to, Deanna Harper spells out her version of the adoption happily ever after fairy tale:
When you think of those who can’t have children, your mind often turns to those who adopt, as well as those who have given children up for adoption. Giving a child up is not an easy decision and takes unbelievable bravery. It is a selfless decision that becomes an answer to many heartfelt prayers offered up by a longing family.
So you want to think that people selfless give up their children because it makes a more deserving and better planned out family happy?
NO NO NO.. You Have it ALL Wrong!
Adoption relinquishment in any form should NOT be about meeting the needs of infertile couples no matter how much they desire to be parents or no matter how much loss they have already suffered. How is it that they cannot see that by adopting through domestic infant relinquishment they are simply transferring their pain unto another women? The very same feelings of loss and grief they feel for the children unborn due to infertility is now the life time of grief and loss that must be carried by another women for her very real breathing child.
It is not brave; it is giving up our very real motherhood and abandoning our babies based on self doubts, fears and lack of support. Relinquishment has a good chances of screwing the mothers up and adoption by nature has a good chance of messing with the adoptee. I know nobody wants to see that, but no matter what you want to see, it is, very simply, true. No amount of wishing is gonna change that.
The Glories of Adoption at the R House
Now, much of what I have found on this song comes from a blog that I have not found my way to before; The R House. I spent a bit of time reading there and while they are in Utah, and adoptive parents through domestic infant adoption times three, and glorify the whole process, I feel the desire to say something kind. I’m not sure what I could say that is kind, but I don’t feel hatred or anything and I am sure that they are very nice people. Yet, yet, yet, oh they have got God and adoption all kinds of crazy mixed up. And well, once again, adoption from the adoptive parents point of view is just always so unfathomable for me. I get all flabbergasted.
I can’t help again but wonder; IF you understand how horrible it feels to have a child in your arms for three days and then to have to hand that child over; WHY do you think it’s OK to do to another women? Even if she SAYS it’s OK, it’s NOT going to be really OK for her!! This is what you ask of her? How is any God wanting to bless this?
Back to the Gross ” What’s Yours is Mine” Song
I hate this portion of lyrics the most:
“Teenage girl clinging to the gates of mercy
Holding the weight of the world and her newborn baby
Trying her best to be brave
Wrapped in hope giving him away to a longing family
When her courage met their eyes she saw
Somehow her baby was born to be in their arms
And cried”
They got the crying part right, but fail to mention that she will most like end up spending the rest of her years crying. Do we have to continue to force the stereotype that all birthmothers are “teenagers’ who are just “too young and not ready” to parent? Must we use the false positives of “brave” and “courage” to entice women to do what goes against their every instinct and their natural desires to parent? Can we stop bring God and destiny into the adoption equation with the excuse that if a couple is “longing” they have a right to help themselves to another women’s child? If they want to talk about God, then they really should go read Adoptee Restoration!
Finally, while Katherine Nelson gets this right: ”All our children are handed us by God,” she fails to see that God hands the children to their parents. No matter how you slice it, MY god will not condone suffering in the name of adoption even if the receiving parties are “longing”. Children are not gifts to be given away for any reason..and besides, does not God give us only what we can handle? So how come it is not seen that the children conceived are meant to be with their natural parents and infertility is what God gave you to shoulder?
Just. Please. Stop.
“What’s Mine is Yours’ Lyrics and Video
What out, the song gets stuck in your head and may cause illness of the mind, body, and spirit.
Counting down days since nine months last summer
From the baby quilts to the sunshine light-switch cover
All the plans she made
Wall-papered dreams she made for him someday
Doctor hardly glanced her way shut off the monitor
As he walked out the door said “You’re young, there’ll be others”
No sirens or loud screams
No rushing or comforting
It was just over
On the longest road toward home
She parked in the church lot and cried
And said
What’s mine is yours
It’s always been
What slips through my hands has your fingerprints on it
I’m letting go
Remembering
Though Heaven’s doors feel shut they’re wide open
What’s mine is yours
Teenage girl clinging to the gates of mercy
Holding the weight of the world and her newborn baby
Trying her best to be brave
Wrapped in hope giving him away to a longing family
When her courage met their eyes she saw
Somehow her baby was born to be in their arms
And cried
(Chorus)
In this life we come and go and say goodbye
But there’s more than we can see with our own eyes
And when my faith’s a thread-bare blanket and I can’t take it anymore
I remember
What’s mine is yours
I’m letting go
Remembering
Though heaven’s doors feel shut they’re wide open
What’s mine is yours
“When her courage met their eyes she saw
Somehow her baby was born to be in their arm”
Find Adoption Events 
I was born to be in my mother’s arms. I’m adopted and it hurts terribly. No one want to be an adoptee. Most people don’t even want to imagine how we feel.
But, Real Mothers do, it’s only the Real Mothers that understand your pain.
Very good article. Couples who are infertile have suffered a very real loss and must be given support so that they can fully grieve that loss. But they must recognize that it is a LOSS, not a temporary setback that can easily be bandaged over by taking possession of another woman’s child. And thank you for addressing the “meant to be” myth, epitomized by Rosie O’Donnell’s statement to her adopted children that “God made a mistake and put you in another mommy’s tummy”. As if some social worker who is part of a corrupt system can possibly divine God’s will. Adoption is not destiny or divine providence — it is simply human beings imposing their will to get what they want.
This has GOT TO STOP! Enough!
This is good, but I need to point out the fact that the grieving is NOT the same between Mothers and Adoptive women!
Not even close. The Adopter wins, the Mother suffers for a LIFETIME. That song sucks!
“”" Do we have to continue to force the stereotype that all birthmothers are “teenagers’ who are just “too young and not ready” to parent? Must we use the false positives of “brave” and “courage” to entice women to do what goes against their every instinct and their natural desires to parent?”"
I’m a Grandma with Guardianship, if I can do it so can other Grand-parents!
Ugh that is so sickening.
“Brave”?? I HATE hearing that. When I gave up my daughter, I was anything BUT “brave.” I was weak…too weak to stand up for what I knew was right for me and my child. Too weak to pick up my crying baby and run out of the hospital. Too weak to tell everyone else to shut up and listen to me. “Brave”? Pffft. That’s a joke.
And that song is…disturbing. :/
I feel the same way, I cringe when someone calls me brave. It would have been brave for me to stand up and take responsibility for my child. It would have been brave for me to tell all the naysayers in my life to go to hell. It would have been brave if I did some research and sought out programs to help me raise my child.
Bravery had no part in my adoption experience. No, I allowed myself to be steamrolled over and told what was best.
I’m so sick of the fake adopto-speak I could scream. If I hear selfless, brave, loving choice, did the right thing, placed, made an adoption plan, paper pregnant, tummy mommy, adoption is the new pregnant, grew in my heart, etc. again I am seriously going to lose my shizz.
Sorry, this comment took a detour to crazy town ha!
I resent that *I* have to carry *her* grief alongside mine, that she is the “best mother in the universe and no other mother in the universe loves [my son] more!” She told my son that if he leaves she will cease to exist; having a gf would be “stealing” him from her and she couldn’t bear to live if that ever happened. Yet my love and grief are considered dishonest histrionics. It makes me ill every day. When my son said to me that “women like you owe women like my mother their babies” that just sums it up nicely, don’t you think?
I want to vomit- I wasn’t brave, I wasn’t courageous, I was bullied, lied to, threatened, and my family didn’t really try to help me- they asked me once if I Was sure. That’s it- Frak these entitled people who think pain is ever ok, who think an infant, any infant will make up for their pain and grief. If you can’t breed, perhaps it’s God’s way of saying no.
Who cares if they can’t breed or not. Exactly, “God’s way of saying no to them”
They should except their loss and move on to more ‘helpful’ things like helping a single mother KEEP her child. But no, they’re way to selfish for that.
Just found this and am ready to scream, throw things, look away in disgust.
and Mrs. r’s blog with the tearful pictures…speechless here. She is the kind of woman I can not help but dislike intensely. She has no understanding what her blog comes across as.
I’m cynical enough to think they know exactly how it comes across -as bullying.
What’s mine is NOT some strange woman’s, it is mine. This is so beyond disgusting. I need to stay off of Facebook. It is starting to have the potential to ruin my day.
That song is just the worst…the worst thing, ever.
Read more into the r house. You will see coercion and even more. What you’re reading is not all of it
This was a horribly written article. Without even mentioning the spelling/grammar errors, please research before criticizing a piece of art, rather than making assumptions. This song is written about a true story. It is not “propaganda”. As a songwriter myself, songwriting is often a way to share a story, to share pain, and to provide some form of release. It’s in a sense, a diary. These women were brave for sharing their story, and it’s really a shame that you chose to cut down their personal pain and experience. That being said, I’m a Christian and disagreed with most things in this article. Go ahead and cut my religion down now, too.
Funny you should find the need to come over here and complain; I actually had a lovely correspondence with the songwriter about the song and this post earlier today and she understood why this song’s message might be upsetting to those hurt though adoption relinquishment. She apologized for any offenses as as I did to her.
As for your religion? Seriously, I don’t give a hoot. I have some lovely Christain friends, and Jewish friends, and heathen friends . What I take offense is people claiming to be doing “God’s will” and then breaking a commandment when it suits them just fine. You know.. like “Thou shall NOT covet they neighbor’s wife ( or baby or fertility)”
As for being horrible written? Whatever, the New York Times seems to think I can write. It might have been a true story but is being used as adoption propaganda. “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” – John Wayne, right? Well instead of just coming here to complain why don’t you bother looking around here and see if you see any signs of that.
PS your puppy is cute: https://www.facebook.com/JessMoskalukeMusic
Might as well have published my email address while you’re at it. I did look around. And while I can respect that this is your opinion, I can not respect your tearing down of others. The writer apologized for something that could have unintentionally offended someone. i hope in your lovely correspondence with her you apologized for intentionally offending her and many others. And thanks. She was a rescue. Hope that doesn’t make me a terrible person.
Infertility loss and a mother’s loss when placing their baby for adoption are both losses. Someone experiences infertility does not have their loss filled by adopting. Their loss is by something that never happened. Their baby is not somewhere out there. Their baby was never born. They will never get updates from someone on their baby. They can never search for their baby if they wanted to. The baby never existed for whatever reason. It’s just a different type of loss that is with that person for the rest of their lives.
If expectant and first mothers want to help to discourage infertiles from adopting to build their families my suggestion is to educate the public on how common infertility is. Help change public perception that living child free is ok. Don’t treat people w/out children as second class citizens or look down upon them. Understand the emotional pain that they go thorough and that it never leaves them. It can end marriages and destroy lives forever. It’s something that is not a choice but a medical condition that sometimes can’t be explained.
As much as we may seem different we are more similar than is thought. We both endure life long losses that nothing will ever erase. Both groups are misunderstood by the public. We both are misunderstood by religion with the whole “god’s plan” non sense. So again as much as you may think we are enemies we can be powerful allies.