So here’s the thing.
When I think about all the mothers of adoption loss I “know”, I wonder why it is that we all seem to fall into the same type of catagory. Like really, I know of two groups. The moms from the Baby Scoop Era who were really and trully forced into maternity homes and made to surrender their children. And then there is the Willing Moms who made the infernal “Choice” though not many of us were given really good informed choices. Now granted I know a small handful who lost their kids though CPS removals, but for the most part all of those cases sound riddled with bad errors on the part of CPS, but for sake of agruement I won’t dwell on them here.
In any case, of all the moms I know….none of us are really worse off then the next person, none of us are a danger to our children then or now, and we are, for the most past, not even that flakey.
Lest’s see..there is me, Jenna, N, Christine, Michelle, Phoebe, Julia, Laurie, Merri, Lisa, Kim, Rox, Bry, Robin, S, KC, Jammin’, Jenna2, Mel, Connie, Karen, Mouse, Cookie, Brook, Lady, Skye, Annette, Ash, Basquill, CWBM, Wendy, Nia, Heather, Blimy, Linny, Juice, Liz, laura, Lauren, LaurieF, suz, MJ, Marissa, Kiara, Rachel, PJ, Sly, Shadow, Gale, Ashlynn, Sunny, Susan, Sue, Carla, Heather, Joyce, mary, Banjo, Coco, Brenda, Tang, Brianna, Viejo, East, Merril..and really..you get my point. This is the five minute list off the top of my head. I am not even going into any groups or lists or address books to jog my memory.
Anyway..out of almost all the adoptive parents I have spoken too…I can recall ONE who really said to me that she felt when all was said and done that conditions were insane, it should not have happened, she feels termenous guilt, and feels like they bought their daughter. I know another who, like many, would LOVE to have more contact with their daughters mother. I know another, like many, who can’t seem to understand what is the deal with her children’s mother as she does fit the typical “bad” natural mother sterotypes for flakey.
Like really, almost all the Amoms I know have these really great stories (and I am NOT doubting any or calling any one a lyier) on how their children’s mothers either a) had really legitimate issues that do make me go hmmmmm..yeah, sounds like the kids are better off, or b) the mom in question was just “perfectly happy and at peace”
But mostly, there are horror stories. Amoms trying to keep open relationships with terrible messed up individules, things that make even I, a major natural family preservationist, rethink the situation and almost want to bless the adoption as “best”. Situations where I cannot condone the actions and abuse of children. Or times where I too am scratcing my head thinking “WTF is wrong with these woman?”
What I want to know..is how come there are no situations where a mother of loss who is regretful and was capapble of parenting her children is matched up with an adoptive parent where she can recognize that the adoption was really unnecesary? Are the odds that small that the two can’t meet?
Are the moms “at peace” just really hiding it so well that the Amoms have no clue of their real feelings? Or are they really just fine and dandy? I mean, I just cannot beleive that. There must be an adoptive mother in the world who knows that her child’s mother could have done it and would have done it well, that she was smart and capapble, focused, loving..all and all just a good person..and was trully not knowing what the hell she was doing when she agreed to the “loving adoption plan“.
I guess if someone had spoken to Max’s mother she could have said “Oh it was her choice”..and gone on her merry way. And really, I can’t blame her a that is probably what she was told for the most part. All of my “reasons” were legit in the eyes of adoption and we never did met, so she has no real knowledge. So even say, if we had been presuing an open adoption and she, at the time, would have asked me directly, I would have had to say that the adoption was of my choosing. So while I was not at all directly cohersed, I also have a clear and definate memory of feling very clear that there was “No other Choice”…not because I loved the idea all that much, but because I didn’t feel that anything else was an option. And then I followed “good birthmother” protocal for the next 14 years. So here she can be thinking that I fall into the blessed “B” catagory of “content and at peace” where we all know that is far from the truth.
Does she question my thoughts now based on the fact that I sought him out? Or was I just smarter in her eyes then and “bad” now? Does she retell my story so that I sound like a woman from the bad “A” group who had no right to my son?
How much do we buy into what feels better for us personally?
Or is that just really too painful to have to think about?
Okay, I’ll put myself out there. Ugh.
I still can’t grasp why Dylan’s birthmother placed him for adoption. Sure she gave a reason but the reason was a lie. (I’m not going to tell the reason here) It was insane to me at the time and its insane to me now. She now regrets her decision to place him for adoption though she commented to me a year ago that she does believe he is better off. I remember begging her to keep him. She was in a committed relationship, she had an older child, she was getting an education (prelaw), she came from a well off family that supported her (I met and talked to her mother), she was 30 years old, etc. She financially could have parented, nothing was holding her back. Emotionally, well she seemed stable. She did abuse drugs and alcohol in pregnancy which she was fairly upfront about. She had come off a bad divorce, went to college and was living a very “free” life. Her oldest child was living with his father.
What bothered me even more was that she had experienced secondary infertility – the very thing that had ruined her first marriage and here she was by some miracle, pregnant and placing the baby for adoption. I have never been able to wrap my mind around that.
I’ve said it before, that when we went to pick him up I felt like I was stealing him. My husband and I cried in the rental car because we were so emotionally distraught. I wish I could say we were these beaming cheerful parents — it was hard to feel that way at all. At times I think I would have been relieved had she changed her mind.
I’ve never though we bought our son. We paid attorney fees (not that much), court costs, and we put money in an esgrow account for her to recieve counseling. She never wanted any money for anything even though she could have. I am sure to most adoptive parents it would seem like the perfect situation.
I’ve begged for more contact only to be told she didn’t want to deal with HIM. I’ve offered to meet her to see him. I have sent her pictures, art work and handprints at her request. I send extras for his siblings and his grandmother. I recently sent her a request for updated pictures of her and her family for his scrapbook with no response. Its frustrating.
I am angry with his birthmother on so many levels, but even though I am pissed off and can not comprehend anything she does, I still try to honor her in his life. Even on vacation I would be sure to get certain pictures of him with thoughts of this one is for her.
I really wish I had something remotely decent to tell Dylan in the future. So far I have nothing. I don’t want to lie but the truth, well, its nastee and I don’t want him to hate his birthfamily. I also don’t want him to internalize her decision as that there is something wrong with him or that because he has FAE that he wasn’t worthy of being kept because he is damaged.
Anywhere you turn in this situation, I think essentially we are all screwed.
“When I think about all the mothers of adoption loss I “know”, I wonder why it is that we all seem to fall into the same type of catagory. Like really, I know of two groups. The moms from the Baby Scoop Era who were really and trully forced into maternity homes and made to surrender their children. And then there is the Willing Moms who made the infernal “Choice” though not many of us were given really good informed choices.”
Can I say something Claud? I’ll address the stuff above, but I just want to say…that as a child of the supposed “baby scoop” era–don’t buy into it as some freaking child-snatching phenomena.
The “baby scoop era” happened between WW2 and the early 70’s, when abortion became legal in the US. Even though there was a huge influx of out-of-wedlock babies, the vast majority (like around 95%+) of unwed mothers found a way to keep their babies. I’ll find the stats and send them to you, if you want.
The inference to higher numbers of “scooped babies” is pretty much proportionate to the rise in unwed pregnancies. If all the babies were “scooped”, how come the vast majority of unwed mothers ended up keeping?
My birthmom had choices and supports to keep me. She was young, she had hopes and dreams and goals that she didn’t think she would be able to achieve and be a good parent to me at the same time.
I’ve been 19. I “get” it. I have no resentments. She did what she thought was best for “us”, and I love her for for thinking of me first.
What I DO resent is “Baby Scoop victims” (I’m not being snarky—I sincerely do believe that some mothers were coerced by their parents, their church, society at that time) insisting that there is no way that MY mother could have made an uncoerced choice, simply because it wasn’t their personal experience.
I’m not talking out of my butt here. I’ve actually been on forums where “exiled” mothers have insisted that I must be incorrect in “interpreting my mother’s experience”.
If I was adopted in 196*, there was “absolutely no way my mother could have made a choice by herself”.
Guess it was the decade where the Borg in the form of social wreckers took away free will from every single knocked-up girl. Or they were just too damn stupid to know their own minds.
These people simply don’t get that my mom’s choice doesn’t diminish their experience at all. It’s one of those “all or none” fucking mentalities.
I can count at least 5 other adoptees I know personally who are in exactly the same boat. And I doubt we’re a small minority.
I guess maybe the idea that some mothers made informed decisions, and still feel they did “the right thing” is threatening to those from the same time who need to feel that their relinquishment experience is the result of overwhelming societal pressure.
I think that the reason you “know” two groups of mothers that fall into the same categories is because there are people who are better at articulating their feelings of loss.
I believe it’s the same with adoptees.
There are thousands and thousands of birth parents and adoptees who never make it on these venues.
Those of us who do are searching more, seeking more and/or hurting more. And we’ve found out we can find kindred spirits on the internet.
Yes my mother has regrets, especially since she found out that she could have probably done as good a job as my adoptive parents, who really made a mess of their lives.
But she still holds firm in her belief that she made the best choice for both of “us” at the time.
Who am I to question her? Better yet, who are these other mothers who had different experiences to question her?
Nobody has an absolute universal experience. You have to factor in the human equation.
I know that as a contemporary to you, I’m speaking of an era of coercion and secrecy that is hopefully long gone.
But all we can do is speak for ourselves, and hopefully respect each other’s experiences.
Sorry for the rant. LOL
I am also a ‘Baby Scoop’ era adoptee, whose mother chose relinquishment free and clear of coercion. Quite the opposite, she was encouraged by nearly everyone who counseled her to keep me. Over the years, I have had exchanges in groups where, at best, my story was treated as an anomaly and, at worst, I was accused of some character deficit, preventing me from really seeing my mother’s plight because my story did not fit some person’s, or some group’s, need to see relinquishment as black and white.
But, my story is not an anomaly. Throughout the years, I’ve met many adoptees who share similar experiences: adoptees whose parents were married (like mine), older (like mine), pursuing college educations, etc. and chose relinquishment. I’ve no doubt coercion existed. I’ve no doubt it still exists. I’d give up participating in any forum where adoption dialogue occurs if I believed we’ve mastered the ethics of adoption.
Still, it is concerning to me that, somehow, adoptions of the 60s-70s are being filed in the history books as archaic remnants of a time where women had no choice. There are still many adoptees and mothers from that era trying to heal and I don’t believe they are well served by the notion all expectant mothers, without exception, were choiceless in their decision to relinquish.
Stepping off the soapbox here . . . and thanking you for your post to use as a launching point for something that, obviously, stirs me up. I’ll be back to read more . . .
Okay, “mom” from the baby scoop era. (1967)
To Attila the mom: of the 95% figures you quote, I would wager 90% of the “knocked up” got married and the other 5% had parental support to raise their child. As for the stats you quote, I’d bet they tracked the %of pregnancies before marriage and not the % of unwed mothers who singled parented.
I know lots of women from the 60’s who got pregnant before marriage ( the 95% of the stats you quote) but they got married while pregnant. The majority of single, unmarried moms did not raise their children…that is a fallacy. The majority of unmaried women (under 20) were sent off to maternity homes.
If you mother was fortunate enough to have a supportive family who allowed her to have choices why belittle the less fortunate with your, “borg” and the “social wreckers”, or “the too damn stupid” comments?
Your mom’s expereince does not dimisnish my experience in the baby scoop era but your ignorant and arrogant comments do.
I’ve read alt.adoption and the AOL adoption message boards for 12 years now. There are plenty of every type of adoption situation that you can imagine and I’ve heard hundreds by now. I think there are many aparents who realize an adoption was unnecessary and many who tried to encourage the prospective birthparents of their children. I myself have puzzled over why my daughter’s birthmother could parent her child who is 21 months older than my daughter AND the child who came just 14 months after my daughter…why would it have been a reach to parent the middle child and how does my daughter process that information? I just don’t really know or get it…many of us as adoptive parents wonder how our childrens’ birthparents really went through with it when we know we could never part from these children. But this is the thing: as adoptive parents, we are entrusted with the care of these children. My job is to be mom and do all that goes with that. It’s not my place to really judge why my childrens’ birthparents made their decision. I have asked my daughter’s birthmother to stay in touch with us. She chooses not to (for now and I hope it changes eventually when life is less busy for her). I have friends who have adopted children who have begged their childrens’ birthparents to give them information or to have more open adoptions…the birthparents refuse (a friend recently went with her child to meet the child’s birthmother and guess who didn’t show up?). What’s up with THAT? What I see is that we have a few blogging birthmothers who would have jumped at the chance for more openness in adoption….and then there are all the millions of silent birthmothers who are not online and who knows that they are thinking. My husband is 45…is his birthmother out there blogging or posting to alt.adoption anxious to meet him? If someone knows a woman who gave birth to twins in 1961, let me know!
Dear Lady,
I’m sorry if you perceived my writing of the “belittlement” of my own mother’s experience as a “belittlement” of yours. It certainly wasn’t intended that way.
But your response is exactly what I’m talking about.
As for the “borg” and “stupid” comments I made–I made them in a snarky reference to those who have absolutely insisted that my mother’s experience was not her own, simply because of the era in which she relinquished.
I certainly wasn’t trying to diminish the experiences of other mothers by relating the ins and outs of my own situation, and I sincerely apologize if you felt like I was.
It was late, I was tired, and maybe what I wrote came out differently from what I intended.
Okay, There is a big difference between actual choice and percieved expereince of choice. I have never met a mother who expereientially had any options. Regardless of whether or not there was an actual choice makes no difference when the person is expereincing a lack of choice due to any number of factors.
If your exerepience is that of having agency removed then that is the expereince and there isn’t a real choice to be made.
I am not a baby scoop era adoptee. Actually I am 22 which would put my mother in that other category of having a choice to keep me or give me up but that is simply not true. The odds are stacked against women who turn to an adoption agency for help or for advice. They loose their agency and they now have authorty figures telling them what is best.
I did the research on this so I can back up my claims. Mother’s who loose thier children to adoption have no real choice but to do what they did.
Dot over at C’est La Vie who has so far been the poster girl for the chirpy berthmother is now on anti-depressants. That’s medicaton for not being able to function because of being sad for those who are not sure what that means.
Guess the search for the new poster girl will have to continue…..
Not going to respond to any of the other comments. Claud I remain your biggest fan and faithful friend.
Kim Kim—
Went over there. Yikes.
She called you “Haggred” LOL Too much Harry Potter on the brain. 😉
[[Mother’s who loose thier children to adoption have no real choice but to do what they did.]]
Since this is Claud’s blog, and I am so enjoying it, responding feels like graffiti. I am sitting on my typing fingers, instead.
Claud, I think your question: “How much do we buy into what feels better for us personally?” is such an important one, for anyone trying to resolve loss in their life – and I am glad it is something you are asking, outwardly and of yourself.
I think we simply have to respect what people say about their individual experience (and by individual experience I don’t mean new-agey “It’s my truth” stuff). If a woman says it was her decision to relinquish, that she other options but rejected them in favour of adoption, who can gainsay her?
Some women did have options, weighed them and continue to stand firm by their decisions. They eschew revisionism. Whether they would do the same thing if they had their lives over again is really neither here nor there as far as they are concerned. They can feel regret, but regret at this point has nothing to do with it.
Other desperately women wanted to raise their children and struggled gallantly to do so, but lost the battle. I have a feeling that their regret and sense of loss is compounded by the trauma of being disempowered at a time when they most fiecely needed to be powerful. Others who, with very little encouragement, would have kept, simply succumbed to social pressures because they were isolated and fearful and couldn’t imagine coping in a world where they felt already condemned. Again loss probably compounded by a feeling that not only have they failed their child, but failed themselves too.
I completely get what Attila’s saying about her mom’s choice not diminishing the experience of others.
As someone (class of ’62) who had the guy who was willing to step up to the plate, and whom I wanted to marry, but whose parents witheld consent and whisked me off to a M&B home, I think tend to the human factor is very important.
I don’t think my experience was anomalous – I just think no situations are identical. Quite right that here IS no absolute universal experience.
And as an adoptive parent whose son was a ‘boarder baby’ whose mother chose not to see him, I do not know what she went through or why precisely she dealt with things as she did, but I would defend to the death her right to have done so. She relinquished safely in the conventional manner, maintained contact with social services and went through all the appropriate legalities until the adoption was finalized 6 months later. I know she will have her own story to tell when they are finally reunited, as I hope they will be.
The important thing is that we all agree (I think) that coercion is wrong, that women who are even remotely capable of caring for their children and who wish to should be able to do so, and that adopted people have the right to full and unimpeded information about themselves just like everybody else, and that once they are adults, all bets are off – and that should go both ways, for bio parents too.
My H’s biomom was devastated over losing him. I should blog about this but I can’t really as I would feel like I was invading his (and her) privacy so I’ll just comment anonymously on Claud’s blog. His mother’s father forced her to give the baby up. He literally did not speak to her (as in not even “pass the buter”) for two years. While living together. He was a horrible mean evil emotionally abusive man. He sent her and her mother away to the city to have the baby. DH’s dad wrote bio mom often, dozens of letters, begging her to run away with him and marry him and keep the baby. She was, well, Stockholm syndrome.
DH was adopted by really truly nice parents. Really. When he was ready he went looking for his mom and through total serendipity, the day he filed “yeah she can contact me” papers, he got home to find in his mailbox “yeah he can contact me” papers. They got together and life was good. Mom however, was *extremely* detached.
DH’s amom and I have discussed how we think it’s odd how detached she is. She’ll often say “that’s not my baby” since he was blonde and blue eyed and her other sons were olive skinned with dark hair and eyes. She used to call often, now not so much. She hunted down his dad, who was utterly FREAKED OUT and never expected to hear from her again. He wasn’t sure about meeting DH. He’d never told his partner he had a son. He finally told his partner. That was last we heard from bio mom. THREE MONTHS AGO. We live in the same city! I wrote her an email and said DH was in counselling and dealing with some adoption issues, could she PLEASE hassle his dad a bit (I said it in a nice way) and got NO REPLY. Wth?! DH’s amom and I feel like she only wanted to find DH to try to find her long lost true love. 🙁
That said, Dh’s amom is very sad he was lost the way he was. She feels so sorry for his bio mom and wonders what the hell kind of parent would force their grandchild away and then not even talk to their own child for years. She feels it must have left horrible scars. There were no fees involved, so she doesn’t feel she “bought” him but she’s really sickened to know how it happened.
Dh has gone from being glad his parents adopted him and gave him a good life to and wanting to adopt to give back to that tradition to, as he phrases it now, “I am glad my parents could take care of me and did so so well when my mother was forced to abandon me” and wanting to adopt in kind that way (his China wish from studying there for some years).
-wkh who found you over at dawn’s
[Mother’s who loose thier children to adoption have no real choice but to do what they did.]
This is BS, and I would love to see any scientific historical evidence that this is true for all mothers. Feel free to email me.
As for Dot, who I read. She may have been on anti-depressants no matter what. Its quite common in women who have experienced childbirth, miscarriage, etc. I think its stupid to say its all about the adoption when she has raging hormones.
J (Madison’s first mom) and I were just talking about this. My take on it? J is two years into her adoption and I think that her feelings about placing Madison will change over time. She is still “happy” with her decision (happy seems an inadequate word to describe the great, complex feelings she has but it’s the word she used) but happy now doesn’t mean happy forever or even not unhappy now, too.
I have always struggled with guilt about Madison’s adoption (it’s what the essay that just keeps getting edited is about) but I have finally said, you know, this is J’s story and this is Madison’s story and what they will make of it apart and together is up to them.
J may think it was both the right thing and the not-right thing (i.e., the right thing at the time but in hindsight perhaps not). Or she may think, “I am happy for my life now and I know the adoption made these particulars possible but I am unhappy that I had to lose my daughter to be here.” We have talked about this, about this ambivalence but she still says no regrets. I wish I could take her word for it. I try hard to honor her truth.
Replying to Dawn –
The “if things were different” conversations are tough. Part of the reason I don’t go there is that to go back in my time machine to change that choice, I’d have to erase very real history that has passed since then. The days upon weeks upon months upon years of Bj living his life and damn if I can do that. So I am content with placement, but regretful of my behavior and the situation that led to it.
Hmmm..my we have been busy. Well I guess this was postworthy since it has really gotten discussion going. And really, I have no issue with huge comments..so don’t hold back ya’hear! Hyjack and rant…tis OK.
Gerneralization in adoption, as in anything, ia a bad move. Which is why I do like to speak form my expereince or from those who have shared with me. So based on what I know, the whole original post is a true issue from what I have seen and heard.
I have always said that being that adoption is so wide spread, you will have every type of indivuidule in every type of situation feeling every possible thing and have it be impossible to make any real sweeping statements. There will always be at least one case to prove any concret theory or idea wrong.
That being said….I do, from all those I have spoken to who have lved it, beleive in the very real horrors of the baby scoop era. This is not to say that everyone had the same expeience or that every one interpets it the same way. I know quite a few moms who still seem to believe that it was “for the best”. Now here’s where it gets sticky.
Most of those cases, I ususally come away with the feeling that the “for the best” mom in question has not really delved too deep into her feelings. That she cannot for then the whole house of cards comes tumbling down. And she just can’t go there and must maintain that it was her choice and she is OK and all is cool. I know the arguement..I lived it too. And it isn’t to discredit what they feel is their experinance, but I don’t get the sense that often they are done with their journey.
I have alot more belief in a woman who has gone deep and really examined it all and then declared her perspective. I have just seen too many “crumble” when they really ask themselves the hard questions. And some have..and they still maintain their original viewpoints..but so few..I am amazed by it. What I am pretty much left with is that most moms would get to the place of saying “It was awful” if they allow themselves to go there. Not all, as their will always be that wrentch in every concept, but enough for me.
I don’t think there is any real complete scientific data that will encompass ALL mothers. You will have samples of SOME, but never all because we are not tracked, we are still not widly studied, and so many are still in secret that they cannot be found.
What I think is common is that many do not feel that they really have a choice but to go forth with adoption. AS I was writing last night I rememebred for the first time in many years what I told a newborn Max when I held him last:
” I am so sorry. I wish there was another way, but there is not. I cannot do this to you. You deserve more than I have to gve. I hope you can understand. I am so sorry. But I have no choice. This must be th way it is and you will be OK”
So yes..while I can say it WAS my choice, and I had other options..clearly I did not see them as real other options..It is a huge cicrular paradox..and in my head, it was my choice based on there being no choice. I had to do it. Even if I really didn’t. I felt I had to.
I do not doubt for one second that mothers felt that they had no choice and they didn’t, or that mothers felt they had a choice when they didn’t, or that some did it anyway when they did have other means. And then there are the ones that just make me go WTF? But they are to me, the odd ducks. It has been said that the percentage of women who really do not want their children is between 1 and 2%. I don’t relate to that at all. It is just beyond me.
As for Dot….I guess we see what we want, but maybe THAT is what this is about. I see her case as a tragedy. I think she thinks she is “handling it” and she can deal. Not being able to eat, needing medication…to me those are signs that she is not really dealing with it. Her body is trying make her, but she is not listening. And I don’t think she wants to listen. For if she did…she lets in the truth. Too much pain.
Huge posts about parties and fitting into other clothes…these things might seem to matter now, but in time..I don’t think they will. I can’t say how much time. It depends on when she decides to “go there”. She is young..she can focus on the shallow and unimportant for many years still. And there are many ways to bury it all forever if one needs to.
I find it ignorant to be able to watch her story unfold and not see the complete and udder non-necessary pain and wane coping mechanisms. I do hope she keeps the blog up, though I wonder if she will. She has made it seem like such a pillar of rightous choice, that I doubt she will allow witness to the fall..and sooner or later it will be too hard to keep it up. She will dissapear.
Some will see that it is good “she has moved on and put it behind her” hence a sucess, but I am sure that I will see her as distanceing herself from the reality, the hurt.
Well. Hmmm. I don’t know what Moonbeam’s amom would say about me. I once asked her, after I had Sunshine, if she thought I was a good mom, and she said “yes.” I think I have even heard her say that Moonbeam’s life with them is not better than it would have been with me, just different.
She knows I don’t believe in the whole “meant to be” philosophy, too, but she herself does.
So… I know she believes I could have parented. She knows I felt pressured by my parents, mostly my father, not to. At the time, she trusted the agency to provide good counseling to expectant moms, real options counseling (not just “adoption counseling”), and after having talked with me, she no longer trusts that agency to do that.
So… all in all, I think she is one of the ones who would admit that I could have parented Moonbeam well. She is severely disappointed in the agency for not presenting parenting as the FIRST option to me.
I think it’s her belief in God and a divine plan that probably gets her through the knowledge that they are parenting a child whose bio mom could have kept. And that’s okay with me. I don’t agree with it, but I respect that she can say, “It SUCKS that this happened to you, but I still believe in Moonbeam’s adoption… not because I believe you’re a bad parent, or we’re better parents, but because I trust God.”
Like I said… I don’t share the same world view, but I can accept that coming from her. It’s much much better than being belittled as an unfit mother. =)And she has that same world view even when bad things happen in her OWN life, so I believe that’s not just an “excuse” or denial mechanism for her regarding the adoption, I think it’s just truly her world view.
But I DO wonder, often, how many birthmothers are suffering much more than adoptive parents know. Every time I hear an adoptive parent talk about how absolutely secure their child’s birthmother is with her decision, I have to wonder… “Are they sure? How do the aparents know?” Along with…”How long out of placement is it? What else has happened in the birthmom’s life? What kind of coping mechanisms has she been using?”
I do think there are a lot more women out there, who were capable of parenting, who regret their decision and either don’t admit it to themselves, don’t admit to the aparents, or both.
“So yes..while I can say it WAS my choice, and I had other options..clearly I did not see them as real other options..It is a huge cicrular paradox..and in my head, it was my choice based on there being no choice. I had to do it. Even if I really didn’t. I felt I had to.”
See, and I’ve really struggled to understand that it can both be J’s choice and not her choice. Which is to say, see that “truth” and “have to” is fluid.
J actually had a lot of support to parent and she came to adoption after choosing and rejecting parenting so I see that her decision was made freely and was more effortful than choosing to parent BUT I also see that who she is may change and the things that made adoption a choice may not make as much sense down the line. Knowledgable friends like Magicpointeshoes have really kept my focus on not second-guessing J’s decision, (which is disrespectful of me) but at the same time being able to be critical of the culture of adoption, particularly domestic infant adooption.
So your paradox is alive and well in my head, too.
My daughter’s birth mom is one of the “happy” ones- though like Dawn I hate using that phrase. I’ve tried “content” too, but it doesn’t get the meaning either. We have a completely fully wide open adoption. N has said to me as recently as 2 weeks ago that this is the one thing she doesn’t regret or feel guilty about. She had a ton of support to parent, she was nearly disowned because she chose adoption. But she had very strong real reasons that were personal to her to not raise Apple.
I knew then and I know now she would have made a fine wonderful mother to Apple. She does make a wonderful mother to Apple, but she could have done it full-tilt without sharing the role with me. When Apple was 9 months old we made N her legal guardian if anything should happen to both Bert and I. She still is guardian to all four of my children. I have no doubt about her parenting. She now has a baby and a 3 year old, and she is inspiring. We both have conversations about the “what if’s” – and what we have come up with is that we would all be different people if the adoption hadn’t happened. Not better or worse, but different.
On the days that I believe in god or higher powers or meaning in the universe- I do believe that there was some reason for the adoption. Not to make me a mother, not to give Apple a better life, but just something that somehow makes sense of it all. Maybe it was just so we would share a life- I really don’t know. On the days when I don’t believe in anything more than I can see, I say we were lucky. Nothing more. Apple is “content” and a great kid, maybe it took four of us to make her.
My son’s birthmother is one of my relatives. I go back and forth about if she could have parented long term. In the last three years (since I have had her son) two of those years have been hell. This past one she has taken hold of her life and it seems good. Even now I wonder if we (her included) made the right decision. I couldn’t let him go back now because it seems unfair to uproot a 4 year old on the “chance” she will keep her life together. So yes it breaks my heart for her. I know she wants to parent and regrets that she is seperated from her children. We are very open with her, but it’s not the same.
Good discussion
I asked Cade’s mom to tell me exactly why she was looking for a family to adopt him (she didn’t go through an agency, she found us through a friend of a friend type deal). Had she not convinced me this was her choice/desire, or if I thought she had been coerced or pressured by anybody, I wouldn’t have continued with the adoption. It was important to me that she really wanted to do this and she has remained consistent and committed.
Also I have tried to email you several times and they keep bouncing back to me. My email address is brandi.wittman@gmail.com
I think that it is hard for us adoptive moms to admit that their biological mother could have done it. It’s a complicated mix of emotions. 3 years after our oldest daughter was placed with us her biological mother became pregnant again and parented. She married the man this time. I often wonder if that is the only reason she placed my daughter because she had no man to marry her. She of course says other things as well and being that she is my cousin I understand some of the family issues she is talking about. My daughter is bi-racial and she was very afraid she wouldn’t be accepted by her immediate family. If I have to be honest with myself I feel certain that the two situations (no man and bi-racial) are the two reasons that pushed her to place. That is just my personal opinion because I watch her raise her daughter that is just 3 years younger than mine and she is a wonderful mother to her. I know she could have raised my daughter as well.
if no-one minds, i would like to ask the a-moms here who say that in their adoption-situation, no coercion at all happened:
1) did the surrendering mothers take their children home and nurture them before making their decision?
2) did they have access to all financial and social supports they needed in order to raise a child?
3) was a relationship with prospective adopters made before the decision to surrender, such that it could have influenced the decision (i.e. mother scared to disappoint them, etc.)
or, did they “make their decision” while still pregnant or recently post-partum? did poverty or financial vulnerability make them feel they had to surrender for their children’s security? or were the prospective adopters visiting the hospital etc.?
I can’t say if there was actual coercion involved in our son’s relinquishment – but I am sure that there was pressure, in one form or another. What type of pressure or how great, I wouldn’t know.
His mother left the hospital as soon as he was born and refused to go back. My guess is that she was afraid that her will might weaken if she saw him, which is very sad. He was in the hospital for 10 days (normal stay for an uncomplicated delivery was overnight) , and she was still refusing to see him, so he was placed with us in what I suppose was effectively a “foster to adopt” situation, because they knew if she did change her mind we would understand.
Government financial and social subsidies for single parents were in place in the socially progressive province where we lived. However, I don’t know how generous there were.
Obviously she did make her decision while pregnant.
1) did the surrendering mothers take their children home and nurture them before making their decision?
No, she did keep him with her and breastfeed him in the hospital for 72 hours. She had nothing prepared to take him home, however.
2) did they have access to all financial and social supports they needed in order to raise a child?
No, that factored into her choosing us to parent him. Her parents are already raising her sister’s son that she had when she was 15, and supporting her sister. She and the birthfather were not together as a couple, though they lived together through the pregnancy, and were having trouble paying the bills. He has some legal issues and a suspended driver’s license.
3) was a relationship with prospective adopters made before the decision to surrender, such that it could have influenced the decision (i.e. mother scared to disappoint them, etc.)
Yes, they initiated contact. They heard we were planning to do foster parenting and wanted a family through a friend of a friend, asked for our address, sent us 30 questions about our life, relationship, parenting philosophies, etc., emailed us that they wanted to meet us, met with us twice, then asked us to adopt their son.
or, did they “make their decision” while still pregnant or recently post-partum? did poverty or financial vulnerability make them feel they had to surrender for their children’s security? or were the prospective adopters visiting the hospital etc.?
She said she wanted her son to have a better life than they could provide for him, especially after having seen her sister choose to raise her son at a young age.
We were not present for the birth, and did not make the 12-hour drive until after they called and asked us to. When we got to town we did not go to the hospital until they asked us to and only stayed 2 hours. She did not sign anything in the hospital, she went to the attorney’s office after being discharged, driving right behind us as we had the carseat for the baby.
After going to the lawyers office we all went to dinner together and they handed him to us, along with some gifts for him, said goodbye, and went home.
Every single step was initiated by them, and taken by them voluntarily as a choice.
“2) did they have access to all financial and social supports they needed in order to raise a child?
“No, that factored into her choosing us to parent him. …. She and the birthfather were not together as a couple, though they lived together through the pregnancy, and were having trouble paying the bills”
This rules out any chance of it being a “voluntary choice.” It is called financial coercion, and unfortunately is possibly the most common form of coercion in the U.S. and other nations where the allowance gov’ts give to single moms is poverty-level or none at all. You can’t say it was a “voluntary surrender” or her choice when poverty or seeing her child deprived of a normal life was the only other option. When all moms in some other nations get housing, childcare, free university education, plus the equivalent of $1500/mo to live on until the child is 18, what is supplied to vulnerable families in North America is a crime. And a human rights violation. You can’t say that it’s a choice when extreme poverty and fear of poverty is the only other option.
This rules out any chance of it being a “voluntary choice.” It is called financial coercion, and unfortunately is possibly the most common form of coercion in the U.S. and other nations where the allowance gov’ts give to single moms is poverty-level or none at all. You can’t say it was a “voluntary surrender” or her choice when poverty or seeing her child deprived of a normal life was the only other option. When all moms in some other nations get housing, childcare, free university education, plus the equivalent of $1500/mo to live on until the child is 18, what is supplied to vulnerable families in North America is a crime. And a human rights violation. You can’t say that it’s a choice when extreme poverty and fear of poverty is the only other option.
So in your opinion, the taxpayers and government should take responsibility? May I ask how you came to this stance? I agree that our social services in the US are crap and almost barbaric compared to other countries, by the way, I just don’t see anything in your post indicating that people have some level of personal responsibility in preventing pregnancy.
I also understand that financial constraints narrow down choices, but they do for everyone in every aspect of life, not just those with an unplanned pregnancy.
Now, I also stated that financial constraints were ONE factor in her choosing to place him with us, the main one though was she simply didn’t feel prepared to parent, and didn’t want to co-parent with this particular person.
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