Over at Grown in My Heart it’s Adoption Carnival Time again!
This time the topic is poetry. I ‘m not awful big on poetry, but I have a little something something I can recycle for today.

I always say I am “First Generation MTV” which basically means that I was at the perfect age when MTV launched to be perfectly impressionable.. and MTV helped shape my life. I think it was this video that sealed my fate. While Adam Ant earned a place on my teen walls, later on a hearty obession with The Cure and all things Goth did become a very strong influential factor as well… and to this day, seriously, there is no way I can feel comfortable if I am not wearing mostly black.
Flash foward to adoption awarness time, I revisited  the lyrics of The Cure a few years ago.  Editting key phrases out of lyrics of the Cure, the words of Robert Smith take on new meaning to a mother of adoption loss. I have had this up on Author’s Den since October of 2006 and I share it with you for this GIMH Adoption Carnival.

I chose an eternity of this

Just a piece of new meat in a clean room

All shadows and deliverance

Like falling angels

The world disappeared

Your face

I’ll never see you this way again

I captured it so perfectly

As if I knew you’d disappear away

Is it always like this?

Flesh and blood and the first breath

The first colours

The first kiss

Then everything falls apart

Broken inside me

Gasping for air

I’m gasping for air

I’m gasping for love

I’m gasping for air…

It falls apart

In the morning I cried

Leave me to die

You won’t remember my voice

I walked away and grew old

Is it always like this?

Windows in my heart

From a higher up than heaven

And a harder down than stone

Shake the fear that always clawing

Pulls me clawing down alone

Breaking windows in my heart

And the past is taunting

She flies outside this cage

Singing girlmad words

I keep her dark thoughts deep inside

As black as stone

And mad as birds

In the dark

My fears

You scream

You’re nothing

I don’t need you any more

You’re nothing

Is it always like this?

It fades and spins

Fades and spins…

A prayer for something better

A prayer

For something better

Please love me

Meet me…. mother…

And never turn away

all her love

everything

everywhere

Not nothing.

I feel you in my dreams

But the fear takes hold

Creeping up the stairs in the dark

And painting a lifeless face

You never talk

Pictures don’t talk.

It feels like a hundred years

One hundred years…

I’m dying for the hope is gone

From here we go nowhere again

I’m trapped in my fate and I’m changing

Too much

I can’t climb out the way I fell in

A hundred years of blood

Crimson

The ribbon tightens round my throat

I open my mouth

These occasions are such a relief

Another point another view to send

To celebrate our difference

Theorise and talk yourself

Until you’re tired and old

As you’re choking

Choking

Choking on the fleshy words

My life is cold

My life is hard

My life is too much for words

Deaden my glassy mind

Disappear everywhere and watch me

Pull my lips apart

Exploit! Inspire! Encourage!

Be responsible for this…

You hit me again

You howl and hit me again

The same sharp pain

Wakes me in the dark

And cuts me from my throat to my pounding heart

My heart

My shaking heart

My head is cold

My hands are cold

My heart is cold

My heart is black

And stops every fucking night

Every night

I wait until it stops…

I chose an eternity of this