Helps if you Read more than One post…

adoption language and the word birth mother

Then you don’t make anonymous comments like this..

Why hide things? My two older children know about my son and that he was adopted by friends of mine. They know the whys, the hows, and everything else there is to know. My birthson now knows that he is adopted and most of why things turned out the way they did. When someone asks me about my kids I tell them. I have 3! If they want to know it all then I tell them.

Gosh, could swaer I have been over this before…ah yea, that reading thing..right. Anyway, I don’t hide things. All my four children do know about it each other now, but it was not always that way for various reasons and being just the way life worked out. And truthfully, I am not always in the position to tell everybody everything all the time. The number of children I have comesup at work constantly…sometimes, I have the time to deal with the whole thing..but it WILL be the whole thing..not some glorified “happy birthmother” story. I am not a specimin under glass who will drop a few snippets of my information and allow folks to use that to fit their preconceived conceptions. Nope…if I choose to talk to someone about adoption, then they will KNOW when we are done..and if I can;t do the job right..then they don’t get it at all.

I have lived with doubt and shame and got rather tired of it. Now I just speak the truth about it all.

The doubt and shame is part and parcel of the truth. You don’t have to live with it as a driving force, but to ignore that it is or was there at any point…is to allow folks to idealize that we are just woman who can merrily walk away from their children with nary a backwards glance. I am not like that. I do not have doubt and shame have control over me, but I am will see them from time to time. Just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean I can will it away.

I made the arrangements for my son to be adopted because I wasn’t in a place where I could handle another child. He wasn’t given away because I didn’t want him, he was placed with my friends because they wanted a child to love and take care of and I wasn’t able to take care of all 3 kids at that time. I don’t love any of them more than the other and they know that. Yes, they are kids and have feelings that are going to arise and that we have to deal with. Ultimately, it was MY decision to place my son for adoption. Yes, there was those who said it was for the best, but I am a person who knows how to make her own decisions.

Ummmm…I am not even going to go here on commentary. Ok..that’s your story.

We need to stop placing blame and putting ourselves down for being birthmoms and stand up for ourselves. I am not going to throw a pity party because I made a decision that sometimes I regret. Hell, I sometimes regret getting up in the morning but I still do it.

Well, I guess you really haven’t read much at all if you get the “pity party” impression. I shall see the cause and effects of decisions as I call them, It is my right to do in my life, about my life. I sure as HELL will NOT be happy I am a mother or way shape or form. I think I stand up for enough folks..don’t need a speech..thanks.

And as for knowing medical backgrounds, I know who my mom and dad are and still can’t give a detailed background because I wasn’t told everything before my dad died. There are no longer any ‘if onlys’ in my life. I’ve dealt with the anger, pain, and all that other crap.

Forgive me, because this kind of thiking annoys me..and it’s not all you, but I had to deal with another mom recently who sprouted so much “I have healed and you are stuck” crap that my feelings are quite on the surface. I find that I have trouble with this kind of competition between moms of loss as we have to somehow “prove” where we are in the process..and that one way of dealing is better?? I can pick apart with a fine tooth comb and cause all sorts of defensiveness to your statements especially the ones three back, where you talk of the “whys” you allowed your child to be raised by friends…but you know..that’s not my gig. Whatever you your truth right now..and I am not going to tell you otherwise..but to come here, to my house, my Blog, and critize me for a post that deals with many things that we are not warned about when given the happy talk, and issues that continue to resurrect themselves in many mother’s lives even after they have made vast steps in any attempt in healing…meh, just rude really. Ok so you don’t “If only”..that does not make you more evolved..and dealing with the anger and pain is not a one time event, If you really think you rolled the dice on that one? Ok..but be prepared…we don’t get to leave the table. Oh you can put away for a while in a box with a real big lock, but it’s still all there, waiting for you. Don’t go acting all high and mighty like you have some supreme power to overcome..and the rest of us are fools for still shifting though the sand looking for shards…it’s those small shards that can work their way in and cause a mighty infection.

And you know…then you say something like this:

I wish other people would see birthmom’s as very special people who did something so courageous that it is the greatest love you can give your child. Fight through the hard times when your children ask questions. Stand up, and tell the truth always. There are going to be those who put you down, but with strength will come backbone and the courage to be proud of who you are . I AM A BIRTHMOM TO 3 WONDERFUL KIDS AND I AM DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF.

No no no nononoono.. stop drinking the special water that they give you at the agency, dear. I know it is addicting, but it makes you say silly things.

Listen, you want to believe this stuff because it gets you though the night? You want to think we are all courageous? Dispel this line of thinking and THEN feel your emotions and THEN you can talk to me about healing. Courage would have been bucking everyone who encouraged me to go the easy way out and let my son be adopted. Courage would have been saying “NO”. Foolishness is what got me to wear this title. Niaviti, fear, doubt, self worth, etc…stubbornness, denial, youth, trust. Greatest love?? No the greatest love for my children is in my arms, in my life. The greatest gift I could have given them is ME..their MOTHER. Courage is buckling down under pressure and doing what I needed, and you needed to do to BE the mother our kids deserved us to be. I failed that. I gave my motherhood away to someone else because I was afraid I couldn’t do and I didn’t even try.

Proud?? Proud of the stupidest thing I ever did?? Ummm no way in hell. What is there to be PROUD of?? Oh, I didn’t have an abortion?? I gave life…woopeeededdo! I didn’t accept the “grand gift of motherhood” either. I am proud to be the MOTHER of FOUR wonderful kids. I am not proud of the fact that I did not raise my oldest. I speak of it, I do not hide from it, but I sure ain’t getting back on that pedestal!

Try reading some more…how old is your youngest? Me thinks you gots aways to go. But if you want to stay in the “happy place” forever…go check out Birthmom Buds. I hear they got something “special” in the punch.

editted to add..

I just want to state also….none of this is said with the intention to make you feel badly about yourself, even though I know it will..and for that..I AM sorry. But I will call out the one of very big threats that I see with adoption. And honestly, yeah, I do see a threat in you spouting off all the “yeah MY choice, I can live with it” stuff when clearly you are still in a place where it is very easy to escape from the effects of adoption. If nothing else, you have not had the time to esperience long term ramifiactions because they have not happenened yet. Time must pass.

I don’t doubt you desire or belief of being a good person, but I will cast doubt on your being able to be considered as a qualifier of the adoption experience. As you are at the time, yes…but clearly there is sense that YOU know all about it, and there is a lack of acknowledgement that someones truth might have been spoken here. You dismiss very real things as crap.

That might not be real to you because you have not felt them yet. The key word is yet. It is my beleif that if any woman who has surrendered a child, in a typical domestic “voluntary” adoption, trully examine her feelings…then there is little doubt in my mind that she will relate to what has been spoken here.

If nothing else you should read about more of what I do before you assocaite a “pity party” and “not standing up” with me. It’s sure to get my gander up.

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About the Author

Musings of the Lame was started in 2005 primarily as a simple blog recording the feelings of a birthmother as she struggled to understand how the act of relinquishing her first newborn so to adoption in 1987 continued to be a major force in her life. Built from the knowledge gained in the adoption community, it records the search for her son and the adoption reunion as it happened. Since then, it has grown as an adoption forum encompassing the complexity of the adoption industry, the fight to free her sons adoption records and the need for Adoptee Rights, and a growing community of other birthmothers, adoptive parents and adopted persons who are able to see that so much what we want to believe about adoption is wrong.

19 Comments on "Helps if you Read more than One post…"

  1. I saw that comment. Glad you tackled it because I wanted to cuss.

  2. Ugh. Her situation is SO different from yours because she gave up her THIRD child (so she already got to be Mommy TWO TIMES), and she placed him with her FRIENDS, so I imagine she sees her youngest fairly often.

    But come on, Claud, you should “get over it” and heal because you’re a birthmom, and she’s a birthmom, and therefore your circumstances and emotions must be exactly the same!! SHE can do it, so therefore WE should ALL be able to do it TOO!! 😛


  3. Oh right…I forgot…what..I am suppose to take a bubble bath or get a pedicure or something while telling myself how special I am..and THAT will make it all better?? Silly me…

  4. Anonymous | May 30, 2006 at 12:48 pm |

    I am sorry if my words came off wrong to people. I am a birthmom who went through the feelings and the bad times and honestly have dealt with them . Not everyone’s situation is the same and that is what I am trying to express. No one’s opinion is any better than anyone else’s. I just want people to know that there are birthmom’s who have dealt with things and are at a place in life where they are content and happy with the situation. If my placing my son with friends is wrong then I shall deal with that, not anyone else, ME.I believe in life that God has a plan for all of us. If I had not been at a place in life where I truly believed that this was God’s plan for my son and I then I never would have done it. Yes, I get to see my son once a year and I get pictures and letters. It’s not like we see one another every day. It still gets hard on birthdays and anniversaries, but I have had to learn to channel those feelings into something other than pain. Some of us can’t handle that much pain in their lives. Like I said, I am sorry if I offended you or anyone else, but it helps to get other’s opinions on their experiences. And yes, I have dealt with every emotion there is when it comes to adoption. I long to hold my son , I long to know everything and more about him, I gave that chance away and have dealt with those emotions. Hate me if you must, belittle me and poke fun, you are just showing that even other birthmothers hate like all those other’s. I don’t have a blog so I couldn’t leave my name. Sorry.

  5. “If I had not been at a place in life where I truly believed that this was God’s plan for my son and I then I never would have done it.”

    God doesn’t make mistakes. God doesn’t “put babies in the wrong tummy.” If God gave you the miracle of a new life inside you, then he meant you to raise that new life. It is humanity over the last 150 years that created infant adoption — not God.

  6. thanks to adoptionroadkill for dealing with the god comment!

  7. Anonymous | May 31, 2006 at 1:32 am |

    Yep, it is anonymous again. I don’t feel bad because I believe in God and his plan for me. I don’t feel bad because I have dealt with the emotions and have gotten past them. I don’t feel bad because I call myself a birthmom and still have my son in my life somewhat. Some of us who are birthmom’s made the choice, some did not. I tried not to make anyone feel bad about themselves, but thank each and every one of you that tried to make me feel bad about myself. I showed a different opinion and it shows that opinions are NOT welcome here. I found this blog through a friend’s (another birthmom who has the same feelings I do) blog. I thought I could tell how my life and my experience went so that the women of today who are at a very hard place in life wouldn’t feel like crap because they decided to place their babies for adoption. Everyone has a different story and everyone has an opinion. Some people like seeing other opinion’s, but because mine was not exactly what it should be according to all of you I got cruicified. Well, be that as it may, I am still ok. I don’t doubt that at all. Before anyone else crucifies me or decides that I am all wrong for just stating my experience, find out if you qualify to judge me. I was told from the time I was an infant brought up in church that God was my only judge. Living in this world I’ve found differently. If someone is not prepared or ready to deal with emotions or if the emotions are too much to handle then I promise to say a prayer for each and every one of you tonight. If you have and still have anger and bitterness and regrets, then I will say one for you too. There are those who never get over what happened and I am sorry for that. But I won’t crucify you and try to make you feel like crap because you are still going through it. And if that is what you got from my comment then I apologize. This short experience has taught me one thing. No matter how you try to share, there are those out there who want nothing more than to make you feel like pure crap for being ok.

  8. Okay, I’ve been scarce lately, but, I just wrote 2 blogs about birth moms being proud!

    The only way a birth mom completely “gets over it” is to be in denial. You can heal, recover, but, it’s still gonna always be around.

    Take that bubble bath Claud, get a pedicure, you are one extraordinary momma/person/writer, etc. – and you deserve it. You ARE special – but in spite of being a birth mom – not because of it!

    BTW I highly recommend bubble baths – but as I said nothing makes it go away completely. Except of course, disconnecting yourself from your feelings. Been there – done that.

  9. I don’t understand why everyone is picking on the anonymous natural mother. I better go and read her comments again……
    Everyone has different ways of coping with losing their child to adoption.

  10. As I said…I am not critcal of HOW people deal with their issues or not…hey..whatever gets you through the night..really. I uderstand survival.
    But I can choose, on my blog, to say…Nope. I will not leave comments that openly claim that we can be OK and just fine and dandy. Sorry, that feeds into the insdustry that I am openly at war with.
    Do I beleive that some people feel that way…yes. But I think it has alot to do with where they long in..on this path. Lots of stuff does not rear it’s ugly head until a long way down the path. Having the years of shared expereinces and great insight from many moms who have been into this over 10, 20, 30 years…be dismissed as crap, or stuck in some bad someone so new on the journey??? Nope.
    I would not have been quite so harsh, IF the original post was not so dismissive and preachy as telling others what THEY should do.

    Anonoymous…you can leave a name don’t have to have a blog…
    Maybe you don’t see it, but you came on here, sprouting off alot of stuff that really seemed to intend to make OTHERS feel like crap. You were “over” all that I had written about is what you claimed..and again..the “pity party” and “stand up” comments…not exactly they way to make new friends and connect with people. Now you can go back and qualify your statements now by saying you feel loss, you long for your child, and birthdays and anniversaries are hard (hmmm…was that not dismissed in the first comment?? Could swear I wrote about that?) but if all you get from this is that people are judging you and trying to make you feel like crap? Then you are still missing alot.
    You didnt get got asked the hard questions. The questions that make us think beyond what makes us feel all warm and fuzzy about adoption. The questions that make us see the reality. Whether you want to do that or you don’t and run kicking and screaming is your choice. Adoption Raodkill is very good at that!! Man, I HATED her with our first interaction..when she called me out the same way!
    What you failed to realize from the that even though you are expereincing some of what is mentioned, you have not gotten to a place in time to make a final judgement on it…and you completely dismissed and disrespected those who are much closer to that place. I have no issue with differs in opnions. Heck, I love a good debate. But I will challange you to the fact that you have delt with it ALL, because you have not seen it ALL yet.
    I don’t hate at all, though I freely admitted to having had my ganger up. In all actuallity, what I said was that it wold be helpful if you READ more first before you made sweeping accusations. And turthfully, if I feel anything is sadness for you. As you are another mother of loss,,and have this long terrible road in front of we all do.
    The whole point is that others are ahead of you and marking the path, showing you roadblocks, giving you insight to the less teachourous footing..and you did put that down. As you said “It helps to hear other peoples experiences??” …then don’t start by putting others down…and then don’t cry foul when you get called on it. That’s what happens when you accuse folks of the wrong things (Pity party!) and get them defensive.
    Stay and read, be open to others, learn…we have mcuh more in common than you might want to admit.

  11. Anonymous | May 31, 2006 at 7:49 pm |

    I don’t want to leave my name now because I’ve gotten here what I have gotten from every person in my life who knows about me placing my son for adoption. Ridicule and meanness. I’ve tried for years to come to a peaceful place with myself and with what I did. I was glad to finally reach that place. I wanted to share the emotion of being happy and secure. You’ve done your job all of you anti adoption people. You’ve made someone who is otherwise secure and happy feel like utter crap for being that way. thank you.

  12. when you hear your grown child tell you that they would rather have been aborted than adopted … it gets you thinking. who does adoption benefit? not the child. not the mother. answer: the baby broker and the customers.

    anonymous, we’re not trying to make you feel bad.

    i still dont understand: how can you say it was your choice when you also said you couldn’t raise him. (1) sounds like no choice at all, to me. and (2) what human rights violation took place to rob you of your ability to raise him? you had the right to all support you required in order to raise him. it’s guaranteed to you. a coerced decision is not a decision at all.

    can you tell us a bit about how this all came about for you?

    btw, there was something like 6 infant adoptions in the whole of Australia last year. there was over 10,000 in the U.S. with 10 times the population of Australia. Something is wrong here.

  13. Adoptionroadkill, I am Australian and know that a lot of adoptions go on in Australia, they now go overseas to get their babies from poor countries. We are advanced in many ways but still have a long way to go.

  14. you are right, i should have said “domestic infant adoptions”. yes, Australians are plundering poorer nations at the same rate as other wealthy whites are. Canadians, Americans, Swedes, Brits, Germans … just like through colonization we exploited Third World nations’ resources and their labour, we now take their babies. it is sad. adoption is the exploitation of those who don’t have the power to keep their babies in the face of human rights abuses.

  15. Anonymous:

    I am sorry that you feel attacked. I am glad that you feel at peace with your decision. Most of the time I feel peaceful about my decision as well, and I do often feel that I am in the birthmother-minority because of it.

    Just wanted to clarify that your comment on Claud’s post became troublesome to me when you started addressing other birthmoms, in a way that said, “Hey come on, I ‘got over it,’ I’m happy about things, why aren’t you?” The term “pity party” is also degrading to the emotional turmoil and struggles of these women, many who feel like they did not get to make a decision. Many birthmoms are not soothed by pat responses, such as, “you did something so courageous that is the greatest love you can give your child.” Many are not proud of what they did.

    Just my two cents.

    The parts of your comment that I’m referencing are these:

    We need to stop placing blame and putting ourselves down for being birthmoms and stand up for ourselves. I am not going to throw a pity party because I made a decision that sometimes I regret.

    I wish other people would see birthmom’s as very special people who did something so courageous that it is the greatest love you can give your child. Fight through the hard times when your children ask questions. Stand up, and tell the truth always. There are going to be those who put you down, but with strength will come backbone and the courage to be proud of who you are.

  16. Anonymous | June 3, 2006 at 1:10 am |

    I have to admit some of you got part of it and others are just not even able to get it. I am sorry if the term pity party pissed some people off and should have worded that differently. I guess I just believe that instead of harping on the bad things I would rather talk about the good. Not every adoption is negative and awful. And no, I don’t know the stand point of a adoptee because I have never been one. I do however know myself and my experiences. Please take some time and understand my side instead of being on the attack.

  17. You’ve made someone who is otherwise secure and happy feel like utter crap for being that way. thank you.
    People who are secure and happy arent moved from that plae simply by what others say.

    Its people who are trying to feel secure and happy who are easily moved from that place by having so much doubt that others can shake it by mere words.

    If you are truely at peace with what you feel then I see no need to come here and try to convince others.
    Maybe you are trying to convince yourself?
    The crazy thing about denial is that you dont know you are in it until your not.
    Whatever the case, whether you are happy or not, from one mother to another, Im sorry that you lost your son, no matter what the circumstance.

  18. As an adoptee, I have come to understand a birthmother’s choices. In fact I am posting on my blog birthmother stories. I want the world to know that it is a struggle. I don’t think most of the people who have been commenting in here are adoption haters. If anything they want to see change in adoption. They want it reformed. Take the money out of it. Make it about the children. Not who gets the most money out of it. Some probably do want to see it abolished. I would like for it to be but I realize that it can’t be. I want our government to be more supportive of women and children but it just ain’t gonna happen until we change the opinions of society. Women and children are not disposable.

    Anonymous you have only begun this journey. These women know what they talk about. I have been on my search for about 8 months. I have learned so much from them. I continue to learn from them. Adoption is hard on everyone. I know that from my own experience. As an adoptee, I have a whole deep inside that can’t be healed. I know that my own birthmother has that same wound but she is afraid to open herself to me. My adoptive mother hurts along side with me. It is hard for her to hear someone speak bad things about me without knowing me. Until you cross that road, do not judge these women. They are not on a pity party. They want the world to know what adoption is really like. It is not a happy happy joy joy thing.

  19. Anonymous | July 23, 2006 at 6:07 pm |

    I find some information here.

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