Connecting the Dots

It’s really funny, but when I meet someone for the first time..and if I don’t really like them at all, like if I think to my self “Oh, I just don’t like her’ usually turns out that that person becomes one of the people I love most in this world.

Maybe I see something so close to who I am , that I relate too much, but it is odd, how my first feeling is disgust.

I hated my friend Christine when I met her in Studio Art class in 11th grade. She pretty much disliked me too by all accounts. From rival schools, we were “the” cool kids..there was Christine and Maryanne: best friends from Massapequa High School, Laura and I, from Berner, and Toni and Heidi from Farmingdale, etc. Plus, horror of horrors, Christine and I both had very similar big Robert Smith Hair. Instant hate.

I disliked my friend Merridee when I just first met her. Oh ,maybe not disliked, she more annoyed me than anything else and I *thought* we were up for the same job, so competition again. We weren’t, plus she is so genuinely cool and considerate and loving…But like Christine, she became a very dear friend with in a short period of time. And it makes me wonder what it was that got to me that I would make such a judgment without knowing a person, as I usually do not. I usually assume I like most people until I decided I don’t like them. But the people I dislike at first, I end up liking them best.

Here’s a confession. Way back, long ago, when I was “underground” on a certain very pro adoption God related message board, I came across our Jenna for the first time. Guess what? I didn’t like her. Didn’t know her either really, but again, the very strong dislike was very apparent. Now, one would think..that I being a mother of loss would have felt sympathy and understanding for this very fresh and raw sister mom, but no, I was convinced she was a stupid twit. ( I am really, really sorry J!!) Now of course none of this is at all true. And she is as far from a stupid twit as one could get.

Now, looking back, I can see why I had the reaction I did. Jenna, newly relinquished, but still fresh in all the glory of adoption hype was struggling to make sense of it all, sometimes repeating the prattle, telling herself the “for the best” story…was an awful lot like me once upon a time. So maybe what I see in others, is a version like myself and what annoys me at first is the very thing that eventually does make me like them. I mean obviously I don’t at all dislike Jenna for who she is especially as I didn’t know her, but maybe I disliked Jenna for who she reminded me of..myself. And now, knowing her more..especially seeing that we are both Taurus’ born one day ( and years) apart..yeah, Same in alot of ways.

I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to shake some sense in her. I remember when she reported that the dumb agency had screwed up and she had to sign again, and I thought she was a total idiot for doing so. (but I didn’t say anything really as I was “undercover”..something I deeply regret now) But you know what, like me, somehow I doubt she would have listened, we are so enmeshed at that point in doing what we must to be the best Bee mommy we can be. And I know, as much as I want to be able to go back in time and bitch slap some sense into myself, I also know if *me* now, got a hold of *me* then..the 19 year old Claud would have been very angry and offended, and probably hated the 38 year old me now. In fact, in reality, the *me* now, might have very well thought that the 19 me was a stupid twit and deserved to loose her child for being such an ass and not listening to the much wiser 38 me. I, both of me, would have been so busy hating the other version of myself that I would not even be able to listen to anything I could tell myself. Ah, time machine rendered useless.

But sometimes, I don’t need the time machine and I am surprised when a deemed “stupid twit” does listen and is saved from this hell on earth sad adoption sisterhood. Like when Elena/ Jordan pushed back the adoption machine at the last minute and all of AAI let out a collective sigh of relief. They have gone off now into life. We haven’t heard feom them in over a year, but I know that this smart strong woman with her daughter at her side are making their way though their existence with happiness that they are together.

But there is always another twit. Do ya’ll remember Dot? Like watching a train wreck, we all read her blog last year, trying to warn her but having no luck. God, I hated her. She drove me nuts. She so reminder me of myself. So sure, so cocky, so full of answers..and yet, I knew, she had no idea what was about to come, what force she was welcoming into her life. I think I physically yelled out loud to her when she announced that she could ‘handle’ the adoption loss because she was ok after being raped. Oh, how we think we can have control over something just because we want to. Ha! Yeah, I am one of those “force of sheer will alone” kinds of people. One of my life lessons has been to learn to just accept that because I have decided it will be so, doesn’t mean that it will really be.

I gave up on Dot early on. I knew there was no changing her. I hoped, please God I prayed, that she would pull out, but knew that she would go though with the sad adoption because she was so determined to, and then I wondered if she didn’t have an ounce in her of “They don’t know what they are talking about. I am stronger than that. They don’t know me. I will be OK. I’ll show them.” Ok, I figure it is more than an ounce, it is probably ‘bout 20 lbs.

I was not convinced that she couldn’t care for a baby because she couldn’t even take care of her dog. The dog was pampered and spoiled if you ask me. I didn’t get it that she couldn’t take care of herself, when clearly she WAS and had a family close enough by. I shuddered as I read about her desire to just get skinny again and wear jeans…again, more visions of myself. Yeah, concentrate on the vain and petty to diffuse from the real issue. Just blah.

(Ha, the jokes on me. I just went over there to see how long it was since she has left us to find that she just did a meager update, but before this update, that ruined my plan, it was a really, really long time. Eh, heck..I am finishing my original train of thought!)

We all watched and read as she got closer, pared off our worried concerns, and drank in the “positive” comments like “Oh you have a really great and realistic view on this. You will be fine”. I had no doubt she would perform fine, but knew she never really would be fine again. And I was not surprised when she had the baby, made a few “I’m really doing well” reports and then erased her whole journey and faded out in the blogsphere.

See, I have to say I really do feel that if it was all as OK as she wanted it to be, then she would have keep going. There would have been more updates and the like. Unlike Elena, who I think really IS good and just involved in life, I see the lack of blog as avoidance. It’s the adoption blog, so she has to talk about the adoption . And that means she has to think about it and really feel it. And it is so much easier to get onto that denial rut and NOT think or feel. Worry about jobs and clothes and boys and such, but not adoption.
Not to say that denial is not necessary for survival. Heck, I did it for a good ten years. So I am not judging that, but I guess, what I do say is that I don’t buy the “I’m good” bit. And that’s OK.

I saw this with a few other moms, too, that were warned. They didn’t listen being so enveloped in adoption protocol, and proving “us’ wrong, that once the reality did begin to seep in, they felt they had no place to go. They were afraid of losing face, admitting that we were right, and didn’t want to be told “I told you so”. I can see Dot as not wanting to admit that it was more than she ever imagined, and sometimes more she could handle. Talking about the pain of loss and missing the baby on her blog, that’s a loss of control over oneself. Sometimes it is pride, too.

I can imagine her now, trying to barrel thought life maintaining her happy face. Being an extreme go getter, not letting anything get her down, still convinced that she can’t even take car of her dog. How it really must have hurt to find soon father the birth and loss of her child that the father was not only involved with another woman who was pregnant, but marrying her and parenting that child. Even taking the name she would have used for her son. Does she feel this other woman stole her possible life? Does she see the horrid parallels? Does it make her beyond angry that maybe, just maybe, if she hadn’t been so strong, so sure, so determined, that it could have been her? What is she left with? A dog. Skinny pants, some pictures.

If it sounds like I am ragging on her..I am really not. I am just as much, if not more, ragging on me..for I was so much the same. My desire to smack her and make her more of the frustration from I doing the same. Maybe she really will come back and if she does, I say good. Maybe she will begin to deal with the deeper stuff for her own good. I mean, I am glad she didn’t leave the whole story up this past year so people could find it and continue to think they know a ‘good” willing birthmother. The perfect example of someone who choose and is OK. Maybe she already doesn’t want to be that dancing bear for the adoption industry. Coz the thing is…I can see her being able to ‘unthaw” early. And despite my early mental label as a stupid twit, I’ll bet that I end up liking her a lot.

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About the Author

Musings of the Lame was started in 2005 primarily as a simple blog recording the feelings of a birthmother as she struggled to understand how the act of relinquishing her first newborn so to adoption in 1987 continued to be a major force in her life. Built from the knowledge gained in the adoption community, it records the search for her son and the adoption reunion as it happened. Since then, it has grown as an adoption forum encompassing the complexity of the adoption industry, the fight to free her sons adoption records and the need for Adoptee Rights, and a growing community of other birthmothers, adoptive parents and adopted persons who are able to see that so much what we want to believe about adoption is wrong.

8 Comments on "Connecting the Dots"

  1. Jenna was the one who said I was a haggard old psycho and that it was good that my daughter didn’t grow up with me. I had called her a cold c***t
    before that so have no cause to winge.

    I don’t dislike her either.

    We have quite a history her and I.

    I will always think of her as one of my sisters no matter what.

    That goes for all the mothers. It doesn’t matter who squabbles when and why and whether or not we like each other or not. I love each and everyone of you.

    And if I asked Jenna about those things now a year or two later I know she would have an entirely different viewpoint.

    No hard feelings.

    Is it ok to say this Claud? Sometimes I am too open.

  2. You know what’s so ironic, Claud?

    Is that you DON’T say “I told you so.” You just welcome us in with open arms, an “I’m so sorry… so sorry you’re experiencing this… adoption sucks for us,” and then lend a supportive ear.

    I mean, I remember after I woke up, after having my WTF? moment. I wanted so desperately to talk to you, because I could suddenly see that YOU would understand… but I was scared to. Was scared I’d get a big ol’ earful of “You brought this on yourself.”

    And I had NO REASON to think you’d respond that way! It was just this part of me that really thought that it was still a matter of “us vs. them,” a part of me that thought all the warnings against adoption/relinquishment were a competition.

    Once I reached out and asked you for some support, I learned otherwise. OMG… shock… all along it never was about “you guys” being right, it really WAS about you all trying to help other women avoid the pain.

    Sigh. I so wish the moms considering relinquishment would see, in time, that it’s NOT a matter of “who’s right and who’s wrong.” That they’d see we really do just want them to be happy, to avoid this pain.

  3. I think this works here Kim..after all it is sort of a confessional kind of

  4. Robert Smith is a Taurus too.

  5. Enlightenment | December 13, 2006 at 3:14 am |

    I apologize that this is off-topic but it is of paramount importance so please bear with me. Speaking of connecting the dots:

    One thing that struck me as odd in the days after 9/11 was Bush saying “We will not tolerate conspiracy theories [regarding 9/11]”. Sure enough there have been some wacky conspiracy theories surrounding the events of that day. The most far-fetched and patently ridiculous one that I’ve ever heard goes like this: Nineteen hijackers who claimed to be devout Muslims but yet were so un-Muslim as to be getting drunk all the time, doing cocaine and frequenting strip clubs decided to hijack four airliners and fly them into buildings in the northeastern U.S., the area of the country that is the most thick with fighter bases. After leaving a Koran on a barstool at a strip bar after getting shitfaced drunk on the night before, then writing a suicide note/inspirational letter that sounded like it was written by someone with next to no knowledge of Islam, they went to bed and got up the next morning hung over and carried out their devious plan. Nevermind the fact that of the four “pilots” among them there was not a one that could handle a Cessna or a Piper Cub let alone fly a jumbo jet, and the one assigned the most difficult task of all, Hani Hanjour, was so laughably incompetent that he was the worst fake “pilot” of the bunch, with someone who was there when he was attempting to fly a small airplane saying that Hanjour was so clumsy that he was unsure if he had driven a car before. Nevermind the fact that they received very rudimentary flight training at Pensacola Naval Air Station, making them more likely to have been C.I.A. assets than Islamic fundamentalist terrorists. So on to the airports after Mohammed Atta supposedly leaves two rental cars at two impossibly far-removed locations. So they hijack all four airliners and at this time passengers on United 93 start making a bunch of cell phone calls from 35,000 feet in the air to tell people what was going on. Nevermind the fact that cell phones wouldn’t work very well above 4,000 feet, and wouldn’t work at ALL above 8,000 feet. But the conspiracy theorists won’t let that fact get in the way of a good fantasy. That is one of the little things you “aren’t supposed to think about”. Nevermind that one of the callers called his mom and said his first and last name (“Hi mom, this is Mark Bingham”), more like he was reading from a list than calling his own mom. Anyway, when these airliners each deviated from their flight plan and didn’t respond to ground control, NORAD would any other time have followed standard operating procedure (and did NOT have to be told by F.A.A. that there were hijackings because they were watching the same events unfold on their own radar) which means fighter jets would be scrambled from the nearest base where they were available on standby within a few minutes, just like every other time when airliners stray off course. But of course on 9/11 this didn’t happen, not even close. Somehow these “hijackers” must have used magical powers to cause NORAD to stand down, as ridiculous as this sounds because total inaction from the most high-tech and professional Air Force in the world would be necessary to carry out their tasks. So on the most important day in its history the Air Force was totally worthless. Then they had to make one of the airliners look like a smaller plane, because unknown to them the Naudet brothers had a videocamera to capture the only known footage of the North Tower crash, and this footage shows something that doesn’t look like a jumbo jet, but didn’t have to bother with the South Tower jet disguising itself because that was the one we were “supposed to see”. Anyway, as for the Pentagon they had to have Hani Hanjour fly his airliner like it was a fighter plane, making a high G-force corkscrew turn that no real airliner can do, in making its descent to strike the Pentagon. But these “hijackers” wanted to make sure Rumsfeld survived so they went out of their way to hit the farthest point in the building from where Rumsfeld and the top brass are located. And this worked out rather well for the military personnel in the Pentagon, since the side that was hit was the part that was under renovation at the time with few military personnel present compared to construction workers. Still more fortuitous for the Pentagon, the side that was hit had just before 9/11 been structurally reinforced to prevent a large fire there from spreading elsewhere in the building. Awful nice of them to pick that part to hit, huh? Then the airliner vaporized itself into nothing but tiny unidentifiable pieces most no bigger than a fist, unlike the crash of a real airliner when you will be able to see at least some identifiable parts, like crumpled wings, broken tail section etc. Why, Hani Hanjour the terrible pilot flew that airliner so good that even though he hit the Pentagon on the ground floor the engines didn’t even drag the ground!! Imagine that!! Though the airliner vaporized itself on impact it only made a tiny 16 foot hole in the building. Amazing. Meanwhile, though the planes hitting the Twin Towers caused fires small enough for the firefighters to be heard on their radios saying “We just need 2 hoses and we can knock this fire down” attesting to the small size of it, somehow they must have used magical powers from beyond the grave to make this morph into a raging inferno capable of making the steel on all forty-seven main support columns (not to mention the over 100 smaller support columns) soften and buckle, then all fail at once. Hmmm. Then still more magic was used to make the building totally defy physics as well as common sense in having the uppermost floors pass through the remainder of the building as quickly, meaning as effortlessly, as falling through air, a feat that without magic could only be done with explosives. Then exactly 30 minutes later the North Tower collapses in precisely the same freefall physics-defying manner. Incredible. Not to mention the fact that both collapsed at a uniform rate too, not slowing down, which also defies physics because as the uppermost floors crash into and through each successive floor beneath them they would shed more and more energy each time, thus slowing itself down. Common sense tells you this is not possible without either the hijackers’ magical powers or explosives. To emphasize their telekinetic prowess, later in the day they made a third building, WTC # 7, collapse also at freefall rate though no plane or any major debris hit it. Amazing guys these magical hijackers. But we know it had to be “Muslim hijackers” the conspiracy theorist will tell you because (now don’t laugh) one of their passports was “found” a couple days later near Ground Zero, miraculously “surviving” the fire that we were told incinerated planes, passengers and black boxes, and also “survived” the collapse of the building it was in. When common sense tells you if that were true then they should start making buildings and airliners out of heavy paper and plastic so as to be “indestructable” like that magic passport. The hijackers even used their magical powers to bring at least seven of their number back to life, to appear at american embassies outraged at being blamed for 9/11!! BBC reported on that and it is still online. Nevertheless, they also used magical powers to make the american government look like it was covering something up in the aftermath of this, what with the hasty removal of the steel debris and having it driven to ports in trucks with GPS locators on them, to be shipped overseas to China and India to be melted down. When common sense again tells you that this is paradoxical in that if the steel was so unimportant that they didn’t bother saving some for analysis but so important as to require GPS locators on the trucks with one driver losing his job because he stopped to get lunch. Hmmmm. Further making themselves look guilty, the Bush administration steadfastly refused for over a year to allow a commission to investigate 9/11 to even be formed, only agreeing to it on the conditions that they get to dictate its scope, meaning it was based on the false pretense of the “official story” being true with no other alternatives allowed to be considered, handpicked all its members making sure the ones picked had vested interests in the truth remaining buried, and with Bush and Cheney only “testifying” together, only for an hour, behind closed doors, with their attorneys present and with their “testimonies” not being recorded by tape or even written down in notes. Yes, this whole story smacks of the utmost idiocy and fantastic far-fetched lying, but it is amazingly enough what some people believe. Even now, five years later, the provably false fairy tale of the “nineteen hijackers” is heard repeated again and again, and is accepted without question by so many Americans. Which is itself a testament to the innate psychological cowardice of the American sheeple, i mean people, and their abject willingness to believe something, ANYTHING, no matter how ridiculous in order to avoid facing a scary uncomfortable truth. Time to wake up America.

    Debunking Popular Mechanics lies:
    someone else debunking Popular Mechanics crap:
    still more debunking Popular Mechanics:
    and still more debunking of Popular Mechanics:

    Popular Mechanics staff replaced just before laughable “debunking” article written:
    another neo-con 9/11 hit piece explodes, is retracted:
    Professor Steven Jones debunks the N.I.S.T. “report” as well as the F.E.M.A. one and the 9/11 commission “report”:
    N.I.S.T. scientist interviewed:
    F.B.I. says no hard evidence linking Osama bin Laden to 9/11 which is why his wanted poster says nothing about 9/11:
    Fire Engineering magazine says important questions about the Twin Tower “collapses” still need to be addressed:

    Twin Towers’ construction certifiers say they should have easily withstood it:
    USA Today interview with the last man out of the South Tower, pursued by a fireball:
    Janitor who heard explosions and escaped has testimony ignored by 9/11 whitewash commission:
    Janitor starts speaking out about it and his apartment is burglarized, laptop stolen:
    Firefighters tell of multiple explosions:
    Eyewitnesses tell of explosions:
    Interview with another firefighter telling of explosions:
    Firefighter saw “sparkles” (strobe lights on detonators?) before “collapse”:
    Other eyewitnesses talk of seeing/hearing explosions:
    Surviving eyewitnesses talk of multiple explosions there:
    Cutter charge explosions clearly visible:
    The pyroclastic cloud (that dust cloud that a second before was concrete) and how it wouldn’t be possible without explosives:
    Detailed description of the demolition of the Twin Towers:
    Freefall rate of “collapses” math:
    More about their freefall rate “collapses”:
    Video footage of the controlled demolition of the Twin Towers:
    Video footage of the controlled demolition of WTC # 7 building:
    More of WTC # 7 controlled demolition:
    Naudet brothers’ video footage of the North Tower crash:
    Photos of the Pentagon’s lawn (look at these and see if you can tell me with a straight face that a jumbo jet crashed there):!.htm
    More photos of this amazing lawn at the Pentagon:!%20(9-11).htm
    Very unconvincing fake “Osama” “confession” tape:
    More about the fake “Osama” tape:
    Fake “Mohammed Atta” “suicide” letter:
    Commercial pilots disagree with “official” 9/11 myth:
    More commercial jet pilots say “official” myth is impossible:
    Impossibility of cell phone calls from United 93:
    More about the impossible cell phone calls:
    Experiment proves cell phone calls were NOT possible from anywhere near the altitude the “official” myth has them at:
    Fake Barbara Olson phone call:
    Where the hell was the Air Force?
    More about the Air Force impotence question:
    Sept. 10th 2001, Pentagon announces it is “missing” $2.3 trillion (now why do you think they picked THAT day to announce it? So it could be buried the next day by 9/11 news):
    Unocal pipeline-through-Afghanistan plan:
    Unocal pipeline-through-Afghanistan plan mentioned:
    More on Unocal Afghan pipeline:
    The attack on Afghanistan was planned in the summer of 2001, months before 9/11:
    Pentagon deliberately misled 9/11 Commission:
    Evidence destruction by authorities and cover-up:
    9/11 whitewash Commission and NORAD day:
    The incredible fish tales of the 9/11 Commission examined:
    Jeb Bush declares state of emergency 4 days before 9/11 for Florida, saying it will help respond to terrorism:
    Steel debris removal from Ground Zero, destruction of evidence:
    Over two hundred incriminating bits of 9/11 evidence shown in the mainstream media:
    Tracking the “hijackers”:
    “Hijacker” patsies:
    “Hijackers” receiving flight training at Pensacola Naval Air Station:
    Several accused “hijackers” still alive and well, wondering why they are accused:
    Yet the F.B.I. insists that the people it claims were the “hijackers” really were the “hijackers”:
    No Arabs on Flight 77:
    Thirty experts say “official” 9/11 myth impossible:
    “Al Qaeda” website tracks back to Maryland:
    Al Qaeda videos uploaded from U.S. government website:
    Operation: Northwoods, a plan for a false-flag “terror” attack to be blamed on Castro to use it as a pretext for America to invade Cuba, thankfully not approved by Kennedy back in 1962 but was approved by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and sent to his desk:

  6. and now back to our regularly sceduled program. 🙂

  7. You know, I can’t decide if that was just rude or what? There are forums for that kind of thing. Maybe it’s something new…”conspiracy theory spam?” I guess “paramount importance” must be in the eye of the beholder. Not cool, “enlightenment,” not cool at all.

  8. You know, you just made me cry.

    And I could use a shoulder.

    FUck. I hate this all today. Fuc,k.

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