Birthmother Regrets & Lessons

What Preplacement Adoption Counseling Should Look Like

Over and over we hear again, “I wouldn’t have done this if I knew it was so hard”. The intensity of grief is really glossed over. Maybe we can never truly begin to understand this until we live it, but “feelings of peace and contentment” do not come close. Maybe if adoption agency counseling warned of blind, toe numbing, soul clutching waves of grief and never ending tears that you eventually sort of get used to “living with” then we could talk. I have yet to see that on ANY agency website or in their literature. How about we just begin to include BOTH sides of the coin with their “Birthmother Testaments” so considering mothers get an idea of what COULD be the outcome.


I Own It; Making Mistakes, Accepting Responsibility and Regret

I would undo it, I would change it, but I can’t. Yes, I regret that I let my son be adopted. I know no one held a gun to my head and no one, in my case, forced me to sign those papers. I know that I had my reasons at the time and they are perfectly acceptable reasons and common to adoption practices to this day. In many ways, I know that I was an ideal birthmother and I admit, over and over, that I was visibly a “content, peaceful and happy” birthmother for many years. I am aware that I sent myself away; I plucked the idea of adoption out of thin air, and I presented it as a solution to my friends and family.


Nature Verses Nurture and Family Connections

I usually see the family connections, or lack of, as a failing on my part.Sometimes I think it’s because I was hurt and therefore have a mistrust. Sometimes, I think I’s just because I am a horrible person or something. Sometimes I blame the affects of relinquishment..after all, when you give your baby away to strangers when he is a newborn, you really can’t get all emotional over Christmas cards from cousins.


Adoption Speech:”Mothers Without Their Children”

The Association for Research on Mothering York University  Karen Lynn  2001 Good afternoon. This speech is a message from the mothers of the Canadian Council of Birthmothers, mothers who have suffered the trauma of having lost a child or children to adoption and who are learning to understand what happened to us and our children. Much of what I say here is a collection of thoughts shared by the members…



Painful Life Lessons; What I Wish I Knew Before Adoption

Adoption is a very isolating experience. Many birth mothers and adoptees go through life without having other people understand the journey and the lifelong affects post-relinquishment. Most birthmother support focuses on pre-birth and immediately post-adoption, but relinquishment changes everything. The feelings change over time, while new situations in life have a funny way of bringing up the initial loss and grief. Plus, losing a newborn is one thing, 10 years later, it’s a whole childhood you have missed. In 20 years, it’s a life. Death, marriages, new births, search and reunion are all frequent triggers and moms often need additional support, or just someone who understands.

I certainly have found that I was not prepared for what it all entails to be a birthmother, but I did learn some things along the way that might help.



Who Wants to Be a Birthmother?

What’s in a Word: Birthmother I was asked to write a piece about why mothers who relinquished children to adoption might be upset by the use of the word birthmother by Adoption Mosaic. 700 words on a topic I know quite well, so I said no problem. And then I struggled. About 16 revisions later, and with the deadline looming, I sent off what I THOUGHT was my final version…


Adoption Commentary Craw Exposed

AKA How to Piss Off a Claud I haven’t felt the need to do this in a while. Usually, I don’t let other people’s comments get under my craw. After all, I have been online talking about adoption issues for ten years now and I had a rather thick skin to begin with. Rather than beat a person over the head with my beliefs, I would rather calmly state the…


Mothers Finally Teaching the Professionals in Adoption

I don’t know why I haven’t written about this before. I guess things have just been crazy busy this year and until now, it just has not been on my radar. An Academic Adoption Conference in NY Anyway back in the end of March I ran across a link to Sixth Biennial Adoption Conference – Open Arms, Open Minds: The Ethics of Adoption in the 21st Century. Being that it…




Adoption, Relinquishment, Informed Consent, Abortion, 911, and Insurance: How to Fix Adoption??

I don’t know why, but the responses to my last post about my dreading with November was overwhelming to me. It wasn’t that people responded with kindness; I actually expect the innate goodness and compassion of most. It wasn’t that my feelings obviously resonate to what other moms feel during the birthday months of our relinquished children either. It was more like I was so struck at how very similar…


Hair Flashback or Never Safe from Adoption

Recently, I added some Really Bright Red Highlights to my Hair Now if you have ever been a phony red head like me, then you might be able to relate to what I am about to say, if not, then you’ll have to take my word on it: Being a Red Head is like having Anorexia of the Hair. Now, I don’t mean that in a way to mock people…


Broken Humerous: It will be Allright.

Alas, it seems I am worthy of medical care. Armed with the shiny plastic insurance card, I am treated like someone worth fixing and so… My surgery to fix my broken arm has been set for August 18th. I’m trying to remain calm and matter of fact about it, but I can tell you that I am not looking forward to it one bit. The surgeon, while very nice, made…