• A Must Read List for Adoption Truths

    • In many states across the USA including New York, Adoptee Rights bills are introduced to state legislators year after year. Due to lack of public support and misinformation based outdated beliefs about the adoption process, year after year, this bills fail to become laws.

    • I am a product of this experiment. I was born on December 24th, 1988 and I was soon transferred from one mother to another because my first mother, known throughout my life as my birth mother, wasn’t married to my birth father. She was 16 years old and still in high school.

    • I was 14 when I learned I was pregnant and my life changed forever. Once I’d gotten that fateful news, I tried to imagine what it would be like to have a baby; I wondered if I’d be able to finish school, would I be able to give my baby the life she deserved?

    • So How Do We Fix Adoption in the USA? Domestic Voluntary Infant Adoption is what we are discussing here. Women facing and unplanned pregnancy and “choose” adoption rather than parenting. If you aren’t aware of adoption facts, then you might not be aware of the need for reform.

    • There are some facts about adoption that, really, you cannot dispute unless you are just trying to purposely to stay ignorant regarding the facts of infant adoption in this country. Adoption is, in its perfect form, suppose to be about finding homes for children that need them, not about finding children for parents that want them.

    • What Happens to the Numbers of Adoptable Infants in the USA if We Compare to Australia? IF the USA had similar adoption practices to Australia and supported mothers, in the US we would have only 539 Voluntary Domestic Infant relinquishments annually give or take.

    • The relinquishment and subsequent adoption of my son was actually picture perfect. I am a perfect example of exactly what adoption is when it works just as it is suppose to.The adoption of my son was perfect, I did everything the “right” way and still; the adoption of my son caused unnecessary pain and was wrong. This is way I speak out against adoption today.

    • Adoption was almost more like a crack that happened in my soul. A crack that that I thought and was encouraged to believe that would be temporary or always below the surface. Over time, the rest of life worked it’s way in, like water in cement and caused the very foundation of myself to crumble.

    • When I relinquished Max, it was suppose to be something that affected ME. Like so many things in adoption, the professionals were wrong. The “gift of adoption” just keep on giving and giving.. the pain has a huge ripple effect that touches every aspect of a woman’s lives including ALL our children.

    • Secondary adoptee rejection is a very real reality in adoption reunions. We all have a different skill set and experiences to handle a reunion.There are many mothers who were simply told to “never speak of this again” and that has proven to be a real unhealthy bit of advice.

    • The simple fact is that it is less than 1% of all relinquishing mothers desire to never set eyes on their children again. So because these 1% mothers another 6 to 8 million people and their children and their children’s children get denied medical histories, get denied their identity, get denied their truth..

    • Most adoption agencies will offer free “birthmother” counseling as part of their adoption services. A true counselor is supposed to advocate for their client, not the organization for which they work. Often adoption counseling is “in agency” and therefore, not really nonpartisan. There is no guarantee that the “counselor” is neutral and actually has the expectant mothers’ best interests at heart.

    • I figured that I would write a post that makes it easier for women to become birthmothers. Hence, here’s a handy guide on how to become more appealing to adoption agencies and ways to ensure that you will place your baby.

Allison Quets

There is an age-old adage that two wrongs don’t make a right. Of course, us mothers of adoption loss understand the level of desperation that Allison Lee Quets must have been experiencing when she failed to return her 17 month old twins to their adoptive parents. And while we can support preservation of the natural family and encourages families to parent their own offspring, even to legally fight to regain custody, and nullify adoptions, understanding her feelings is not condoning the action.

What Allison did was clearly wrong. As the nation focuses on this one desperate act, let it be known that this was the final action in a long history of wrongs. Allison did not just wake up one day and decide that she wanted her babies back. She has been saying it loud and clear, for over the past year, yet no one listened. She went though the proper channels and spent huge sums of money, and still no one really heard her. In one final act of desperation, with no hope, she did the unthinkable. She took her children and ran.

It is undeniably a tragedy for all involved, but perhaps this country can take this story and find the small silver lining from the cloud surrounding it. Yes, what she did was wrong, but she was, without a doubt, driven to extremes. We do not mean to excuse the action, but to foster understanding of the motivation behind it. It is a perfect example of what the adoption industry in America does to create a “Birthmother”. Some might question Allison’s mental state, but the state of her mind and emotions was caused by the lunacy of adoption and coercion and the pain of the real loss of her children to adoption. We can use this as an opportunity to see what caused this painful tragedy, not as an apology for her actions, but as a clear demonstration of the fact that something is severely broken in the adoption industry and in great need of correction, before we have another story like that of Allison and her children in the news.

By all accounts Allison was in trouble during her pregnancy with the twins. Nine months of tortuous complications were probably much more than she had expected or could handle. This ongoing misery certainly made her doubt her decision to give birth and be able to care for her babies. Her right hand support, her partner, John, introduced her to his cousins, the Needhams, who wished to adopt the children. Whether he, too, was concerned about the physical toll the pregnancy had taken upon her, or whether he selfishly felt his own life was compromised too much, or whether, by Allison’s own account, he had another agenda, he supported adoption and pressured her to place the children. Curiously, no one seemed to care that what he wanted was not want she wanted. That Allison was betrayed by the one closest to her was and is very wrong.

While she did not surrender her infants immediately after birth, she was still not recovered from the trauma of birth due to her many medical issues. Exhausted by the non-stop hyperemisis, still recovering from the C-section, caring for two premature babies, and emotionally unsupported, Allison was not in the place, emotionally, where she could make such a major decision. The lawyer for the potential adoptive parents and the social worker involved knew this, yet continued the constant, week-long pressure and coercion and descriptions of the wonders of adoption. Unfortunately, this is standard practice in the adoption industry. Women are urged to make a life-altering decision regarding their future and their children’s lives without having proper time to think about it, and without complete information and legal and family support. Ethical adoption practice would ensure that mothers considering relinquishment have due and ample time to recover and fully consider all the information. That this time is not given to them is another wrong, perpetrated by the industry.

Pressured to sign on the potential adoptive parents timeline, before she wanted to, she left her home and traveled out of her comfort zone and away from any external support. With only her adoption-desiring partner at her side, she entered the adoption “friendly” state of Florida. Again, standard forms of subtle coercion such as this are utilized by many adoption professionals. Moving a mother away from her friends and family who might help her, creates isolation and a vacuum of information and allows control by those who wish her to relinquish. Moving the process to an adoption-friendly state where laws favor potential adoptive parents is also standard practice, but still biased and unjust….again, wrong.

Much like a prisoner of war, Allison was holed up with the lawyer and social worker for hours at a time. We know that emotional torture and interrogation works. Governments and military operations use it. People who seek to control, dominate and abuse others use emotional badgering to cause exhaustion and desperation which wears down their victims. At this point, Allison was treated as a case, a non-person to be broken down to achieve a desired result. Over and over again she was told that she was too old, that she could not care for the babies, that she would be relieved when they were removed from her care. They played on her doubts, her physical weakness, her vulnerability. With the babies and the Needhams in the next room, she was subjected to the Needham’s crying when she repeatedly refused to sign. This was a crime against humanity. It was pure, emotional coercion used to remove a mother from her children, and, as such, is certainly unethical and morally suspect…just plain wrong.

It was a private, non-agency, adoption. In Florida, signatures on non-agency adoption are immediately irrevocable. One can enter almost any contract, even with a binding signature, in the US and have a window of remorse where one can change one’s mind, but not in adoption in Florida. Allison held out for as long as she could and didn’t give in on the one thing they wanted, her signature, for a long time. But once she did, it was all over. She is not the first nor the last mother who signs under duress and while physically and emotionally exhausted and then is forced to live the rest of her life in major regret and grief over the loss of her children. There are no standard national time lines for revocation of consent and, at best, in many states, these grace periods are comprised of mere days or even just hours. Standard adoption practice enables adoption workers and attorney to push a mother into this confused and disoriented state and then swoop in for the coup de grace. More human consideration and compassion is given to a person deciding to buy a time share than is given a mother to decide the fate of her children’s lives. No one protects these mothers. This is wrong.

Immediately after giving in and signing, Allison regretted it. She notified all parties of this fact within 16 hours after they finally obtained her signature. The law in Florida supposedly gives a mother a meager 24 hours, so she was within the law. Yet, according to the powers that be, it was too late. What morality allows other people to ignore the desperate plea of a mother to be with her children just because they have an unethical law on their side? What kind of civilization are we building that allows people to keep another’s flesh and blood from them simply because they can? If an unknown stranger had kept Allison’s babies from her, then she would have garnered support and had the law on her side, but not in the realm of adoption. Once her signature was given, Allison became an unknown stranger to her own children and had no law of man or government on her side. This is wrong.

For over a year, Allison fought to regain her children in the legal way. Spending over 400 thousand dollars, she went though every legal avenue and sought out help and support in her desperate plea to regain her motherhood and self. Often, the grieving, coerced mother does not have the same resources that Allison had to fight an adoption battle. This is something that the industry counts on, but even with Allison’s financial resources, nothing was accomplished. The court system clearly is biased in favor of the adoptive parents. If that were not so, the children would have been immediately returned. The adoption industry banks on possession being nine tenths of the law and they have time on their side. The longer the adoptive parents can drag things out in court, the more leniency the courts will grant them. This makes it easy for the attorneys to argue the case of the so-called “best interests of the child” and the court to find in favor of the adoptive parents. By failing to honor the bond of natural mother and child, the adoption industry and the courts hope to eliminate that bond. What is human and morally right, not to mention that it is better for children to be with their natural families, hardly seems to matter to these arbiters of justice and this is wrong.

Imagine in a moment of weakness you were led into doing something against your better judgement and instantly regretted it. Imagine having no one hear you when you said “no.” Imagine that no one would help you. This is why so many mothers who have experienced this nightmare compare it to being raped. Imagine that you did everything in your power to undo this wrong done to you and yours, and spent every penny of your resources. Imagine that you were still denied a fair hearing and treated like an interloper by the law, the courts, the ones you trusted. Can you feel the desperation?

No one can say that what Allison Quents did was right. It is clearly illegal and, even while she was still free and running, it has caused some harm. All over the country, mothers who have surrendered their children to adoption and have some sort of open agreement where they can visit their child are very nervous. Allison’s actions have put the fragile, adoption-controlled relationships between thousands of mothers and children in jeopardy. Not only did she cause damage to her own case, but she may have, inadvertently, created yet another unfair stereotype about “birthmothers” to be used by the industry and adoptive parents who want to close their adoption agreements and reinstate secret, closed adoption. But please keep in mind that she is not the only wrongdoer in this story.

We do not condone her actions because she crossed an important line, but we understand that she, understandably, felt forced to go toe to toe with it. If we are honest, we would have to say that many mothers in her situation were cheering her on in their hearts. We cannot fix what happened to Allison and her children, but with knowledge and understanding, with national laws and ethical guidelines for adoption, with some oversight for the largest unregulated industry in this country, we might be able to prevent another mother from becoming so desperate that she is driven to such a frantic and, ultimately, fruitless act.

More links to Allisons story:

Petition to assist Allison

The prospective adoptive parents blog which I would like to point out..theyu are NOT adoptive parens as the adoption was never finilzed since it was contested form day one by Allison.

Attorney says Twins shoud not be returned to the APs
Allison Fights for the return of her children

Wikipedia
Twins found safe in Cnanda

Also: another Press Release:
RE: “Kidnapping” Case Raises Questions About Ethics of Adoption

For 16 months, Allison Quets relied on the courts to reunite her with her
children. She retained an attorney and filed for the return of her infant
twins within hours of signing the consent forms for their adoption. Now
charged with kidnapping, Quets’ story raises a multitude of questions
about adoption, and the circumstances which led her to flee to Canada with the
twins.

Faced with intense pressure to surrender her newborns for adoption,
Allison Quets contacted anti-adoption activist Jessica DelBalzo. Through her
organization, Adoption: Legalized Lies, DelBalzo put Quets in touch with
volunteers who advised her to seek legal counsel and revoke the consent that
she had unwillingly given. “This advice, along with words of support and
encouragement, is typical of what we tell all parents who come to us for
help confronting the loss of their children,” DelBalzo says.

The activist, involved in the movement to abolish adoption for nearly ten
years, continues, “Quets’ story is indicative of many problems with the
way adoption is handled.”

DelBalzo says she has been in touch with countless mothers and fathers who
were coerced into surrendering their children. Their attempts to use the
court system to lobby for the return of their babies have been met with
legal roadblocks, media criticism, and financial strain.

“I’ve never told a mother to take her baby and run, but I’ve often thought
it,” DelBalzo says. “Justice rarely prevails in these cases. The odds
are stacked against these parents from the very beginning.”

DelBalzo and her fellow anti-adoption activists blame a culture that is
biased in favor of adoption for the unnecessary separation of infant
children and their parents.

“A mother says, ‘I want my baby.’ You don’t tell her to wait. You don’t
make her get a lawyer. You return her baby,” DelBalzo says. “The whole process shouldn’t take a week, let alone a year or more.”

DelBalzo argues, “The would-be adoptive couples who withhold a wanted baby -
those are the real kidnappers.”

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About admin

Musings of the Lame was started in 2005 primarily as a simple blog recording the feelings of a birthmother as she struggled to understand how the act of relinquishing her first newborn so to adoption in 1987 continued to be a major force in her life. Built from the knowledge gained in the adoption community, it records the search for her son and the adoption reunion as it happened. Since then, it has grown as an adoption forum encompassing the complexity of the adoption industry, the fight to free her sons adoption records and the need for Adoptee Rights, and a growing community of other birthmothers, adoptive parents and adopted persons who are able to see that so much what we want to believe about adoption is wrong.
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15 Responses to Allison Quets

  1. Anonymous says:

    I am not making commentary on either Quets or the Needhams when I interject that children are not time shares and do not wait to grow up until adults can make good choices. Therefore, I don’t think we can compare adoption to purchasing goods/services.

    Also, I do not agree with the idea that all children belong with their biological parents simply because they share DNA. That is an absolute statement and neither life nor people are absolute. In some cases, parents and children are separated by the state because of abuse/neglect. This is not commentary on adoption but on absolute statements.

    IMHO, biological parents and adoptive parents should both have rights, but because of the nature of adoption, rights have to end at some point for one or the other. Just as the terms “biological mother” and “adoptive mother” do not suit all, no current adoption law and no adoption reforms will ever suit all. This is why we have the anti-adoption movement; adoption itself is unacceptable to some.

    I would wager that this issue is more complicated than most people are willing to admit.

  2. B says:

    and “anonymous,” i would wager that you are an adopter.

    giving a mother several weeks ‘grace period” in which she can change her mind, after protecting her for at least 2 weeks after the birth before she can sign the papers, does NOT force a child to grow up before the “adults can make good choices.”

    scooping babies at birth is a technique designed to take advantage of a mother when she is at her most vulnerable, her most suggestable, due to hormones and physical/psychological changes.

    Allison was put through the adoption assembly line. emotionally pressured for hours while she was physically weak, ill, and exhausted. the pressure keeps up until the mother signs — that is what happens. she had no choice.

  3. Poor_Statue says:

    What an awful story. No wonder she ran. No agency or lawyer or potential aps should ever have allowed her to sign.

  4. DebiP says:

    Claud per usual wonderfully written…where does all your information come from…your writing is done with such knowledge of the story…I can only imagine a lot of research…I agree from what I have read here on your blog, that she was taken complete advantage of and I also agree that it does not give her any help in her desire to see justice for herself. I am sorry that people are driven to such extremes all in the name of justice. The most unfortunate thing here is that she has sadly extinguished any hopes of seeing hr children before they are 18 or ever…

  5. momkat says:

    Well written and thougthful post, Claud.
    Several questions come to mind:when is too soon for a mother to sign?(personally I would hope they would never sign… but…)From the email that Allison herself posted in August 2005 asking for help/advice, she stated that the twins were 6 weeks old when she signed.So, perhaps mothers need quite a bit more time.Right now , our country is pushing mothers to sign earlier and earlier, even before the birth in several states.

    another question: How much liability do significant “others” bear in a case such as this one? It appears that Allisons boyfriend played a considerable role.I believe that this is an underinvestigated and underexposed aspect of adoption coercion..the role of the people, relatives and friends, who surround the mother.

  6. Third Mom says:

    A glaring example of what can happen when women are forced to surrender their children against their will and without the opportunity to really consider the ramifications. Thanks for giving this comprehensive overview, Claud.

    I hope your holidays were wonderful. Happy New Year!!

  7. kim.kim says:

    I hope the children will be returned to their mother.

    Anonymous it is very obvious that if you do have children in your care that you don’t share DNA with them.

    DNA is very important, genetic mirroring is very important. DNA is EVERYTHING. As is being a good parent, that takes effort whereas DNA just is, that doesn’t make it less valuable.

    Happy New Year.

  8. Anonymous says:

    anon, you wouldn’t be able to compare adoption to purchasing goods and services. But I bet if you have an adoptee they willone day!!!

    bio parents rights should not end days after signature,, that should not be to hard to swallow.

    I guess being an adoptee for me it just is a given.

    Yes this is more complicated because of adoptive parents that can not get past themselves and what they have to have.

  9. AMYADOPTEE says:

    Oh my God!!!! This woman has fought and fought. Anonymous you make excuses for this adoptive family. I am not anti-adoption but you sure put me in that category. I can’t stand the sense of entitlement that people like you totally sends me into an angry frenzy. How dare you!!!! I have read this story from a pastor’s wife position. That woman was coerced the whole way by her boyfriend, his family, the attorney, the social worker, and mostly by the Needhams. What is really sad is the attorney, the agency, and the boyfriend all asked the Needhams to return the children. The Needhams are the guilty party in this. They don’t deserve to be parents.

  10. ani says:

    oh by the way that was me that posted above, as anon,, me ani.

  11. MomEtc. says:

    This poor woman was mistreated by absolutely everyone around her. I would have taken the children and ran, too. I hope that she gets her children back.

    I don’t really understand the Florida law, but if the Needhams are not technically adoptive parents to these children (which they shouldn’t be), who is the legal parent(s)? This should have been cut and dried, long ago, when Allison first asked for her babies back.

  12. abebech says:

    This is just so awful, and of course it is complicated.
    But while I cannot imagine the heartache of returning children at 17 mos, they knew at 6 weeks what was the right thing to do.
    Had I participated as an adoptive mother in anything close to this, I cannot imagine being able to look my children — let alone my adult children — in the eye. Whatever will they say when they know someday, how badly their mother wanted to parent them, how hard she fought for them, and how equipped she might have been (once recovered) to parent.
    So scary that families can be taken to a “friendlier” state to make these things happen faster. And, as you say, every other important contract moves slowly. When human lives are at stake, much _more_ time should be given.

  13. curious says:

    The children’s father is an anonymous sperm donor. Does anyone know if the eggs used were from Ms. Quets, or an egg donor? Usually for a mother of her advanced age to give birth, donor eggs would be used. If that is the case, those poor children are not genetically related to any of the parties in this case. Sad.

  14. stephanie says:

    I cannot believe that, given the circumstances surrounding the babies conception, and the horrible pregnancy, that the adoptive parents were willing to work with her. I’m not anti adoption, but frankly, I wouldn’t! If someone DELIBERATELY SPENDS THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO GET PREGNANT- clearly she wanted children.
    However, in respose to some of the other posters..you ever seen the damage some biological parents can do to their kids??? DNA is not a magical bond that makes everything ok- not in all cases. Being able to give birth does NOT make anyone a good parent. I’ve seen a number of cases where that treasured bond has put kids in hell.

  15. Carly says:

    This story makes me so sad and angry. I watched the videos on her site and I just feel ripped apart for Allison. I just gave birth to my 4th child 9 weeks ago and can imagine those early days with no help and having twins and being weak and having to feed and care for them with no help and then the hormones and the PPD. Why mothers with the optimum conditions,nurses, cooks etc feel depressed and want to run look at Brooke Shields and Marie Osmond. This woman should have been given help instead she was preyed upon and the adoptive parents when they heard she wanted her children back should have given them back. They are prolonging an agony and in the end when those kids are old enough to know and understand the facts they will hate the two who kept them from their mother and will sever all ties with them anyway. I know they were disappointed but come on there was a situation here where the mother wanted her children they should have surrendered those children back to their mother. I want her to have her children back she is missing so much of their lives and she is the one that gave them life, she endured a horrible pregnancy and childbirth and her children have been ripped from her arms. I cannot believe this is happening. I want to help her fight so bad for her beautiful children. She is their mother and the children will know how hard she is fighting for them. A mother’s love it is a wonderful thing that these children should not be denied.

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