Has your Adopted Child Wanted to Return Home to Live With You?

Another birthmother asked me this question on Facebook this morning:

My son has just got back in touch with me and he is 18. This is amazing but adoption has left him so unhappy. He hates it and even though the a family are nice people he says they are just so not like him. He wants to move in with me and obviously I am desperate to have him in my life but am terrified of not helping him or doing the wrong thing. Have you any ideas or advice please? I have told him if he needs to live with me he can in future but has to finish school and get to know me better first. Thanks x

As a mother,upon hearing this I immediately feel the conflict. Part of me is just openly jealous as it’s a pretty much an birthmother dream come true to know your child really wants to come home. Yet, on the same token, for the child to want that, it means that like this adoptee, they had some from of unhappiness and issues with the adoptive family.  Hence, any selfish rejoycing is tempered by the sad reality that your own child was failed by the adoption experience in some way.

Like with my own Max, I am happy for HIM that he did have a strong enough connection that he is still very much part of his adoptive family even if it does mean that we are always hungry for more of him on this side of the family. Sadly, that is just the reality that we live with and I can’t blame anyone else..  him most especially or expect him to change to meet our desires or expectations.

Such a double edge sword; alas, though, since we can’t undo the past, the question remains how to move forward in the best way.

Now I have heard many stories form other moms where their now adult adoptee has literally moved back in with the original family.   It does happen and sometimes it works out well for all parties involved, but sometimes  such a close living arrangement only seems to confound the already existent issues of reunion and make it MORE difficult.  But I can’t speak to that personally, as it has NOT been my reality and therefore I am only giving advice that is gleaned from what I have learned from others.

Possible Challenges and Conflicts in a Reunion Based Household?

Just some ideas or themes or pitfalls that I did share already:

Sometimes the kids end up almost using the guilt from the adoption as a tool to manipulate the moms.  We can be SO anxious and trying so hard to be there,to make up for the years lost and that we did this to them  and  the moms  will give in to everything the  adoptee wants and it creates a monster.

I would guess to  counteract THAT, I think taking it slow and making sure that one has rules and boundaries set in place before hand is key. Perhaps instead of one party making up THEIR rules, both could sit down together and discuss what each would WANT to have and then discuss the reality of those expectations and decide together what is acceptable and how things will go forth.  Of course, in this case keeping in mind that on party is 18  becomes very important.

What I think that situation, powered by guilt and the need to make up for lost time, has to be avoid otherwise,  IF then mom sets up rules, there is a greater chance that the adoptee might balk and runs back to the APs.. then back to mom.. etc. Not a good ping pong event. It then becomes a situation like a bad divorce with the kid playing both parties off each other.  And this is not a judgment on Adoptees per sec, but more about a young adult not quite having the ability to react maturely as needed in this type of situation.

I do worry about the fantasy and expectation factors: An adoptee who is unhappy and is aware of that at a young age, it would be normal for mom to have  been really built up as a fantasy mom who will save  him and provide everything lacking inside. I would think that the expectations must be really examined and and if those are not turned into reality first, then any adoptee is bound to be disappointed by the normal human imperfections of a not perfect birthmother. The adoptee being  disappointed in the mother will hurt the mother and the adoptee while making the relationship more difficult to maintain.

So I can see increased contact  over time this way the adoptee  gets to see the original family  as a real people and NOT the fantasy.

But of course at the same time.. any pause or time delays  must NOT make it seem like any form of rejection to the adoptee. The unconditional acceptance  needed WITH healthy realistic  boundaries for a older teenager is hard.

And then depending, depending on who they are,  it might be good to be on the same page and communicating with the adoptive parents. They COULD be good allies as the common goal should be a happy well adjusted kid if they have the ability to not see any move closer to the bio family as a rejection of their parenting.  I tend to opt for a hopeful outreach and then  deal with what you end up with as best possible.

That all I got really. Again, because I don’t have this from first hand experience.

Advice for a Birth Mother in Reunion with 18 Year Old  Son

So rather than speak FOR anyone, and with the permission of this mom, I offer YOU the question: Please share your challenges, problems, solutions, and experiences IF your relinquished child has lived with you again post adoption reunion?  Or better yet IF you are an adoptee who did move back and live with your original family, what worked? What didn’t? What did you need that you didn;t get or wish had happened? And yes, please use the gift of hindsight to apply to your lessons learned!