I made a point to watch ABC’s Find My Family tonight
I normally avoid adoption related shows because I don’t do well with them in general. I yell at the TV and get all worked up. I know it makes Rye nervous.
Birthmothers and Adoption TV=Not Fun
As a birthmother, I find it is like walking through a land mine; carefully place the my foot down on the next step, only to find myself blown sky high, or hellish low, when they hit an emotional trigger. Still, when I read up on it in on the ABC website, I didn’t get that completely awful feeling. The whole mission of the show besides ratings, is to bring families back together, they claim on the website. I can get behind that.
Watching ABC’s Find My Family
Channel 7; 9:30 pm: I pull myself away from the computer and sit down to watch. It has that cheesy reality show feel that Extreme makeover Home Edition does; very dramatic and simplified. Yes, everyone is on their best behavior and say “all the right things”; the view is, at least, shining a sympathetic light on the now married birthmother and birthfather.
I am stuck how they are cleanly able to express both the expected “we made the decision to give her more”; but yet they can still express how they felt it was never right, they regretted the decision, and definatly expressed that they never “got over it”. Rather, with three other full biological siblings, the picture is an incomplete family that has been painfully searching for the past 9 years. Yeah,. teh show is out to make a buck, but if you were that one searching and ABC swooped in and said they would do it.. I can judge them for taking it. I’d jump through that hoop too.
What Original Birth Certificate?
Anyway, we get the back story and then the plot begins to move. ABC really does gloss over the bit about the adoptee’s amended birth certificate which is a shame because it was a wonderful and completely natural opportunity to bring in the issues of sealed birth certificates. They really could have educated a whole lot of people and helped bring about necessary change!
I feel really disappointed in ABC for failing to present that information on adoptee rights and just as personally disappointed in the two hosts; Lisa Joyner and Tim Green, since they are reported to be adoptees! If they see the value and necessity in reuniting families separated by adoption and the like, then the only way to make it possible that more folks could truly “find their Families” ( rather than beg ABC for that assistance) would be to help support OCB access legislation!
ABC gets this Birthmother Crying
Ok, so they make it look like they find the adopted daughter in about 3 days, but when they showed the birthparents her picture for the first time. Let’s just say that one cannot fake that reaction. That was real. And not only was that real, but I completely recall that very same feeling upon looking at the first picture I had seen of Max since her was about a year old. I can’t watch people live through that emotion without my own intense feelings coming forth like a bubbling brook . I sat there and had tears rolling down my face.
Ok, so the whole hiking up under their “Family Tree” is really a bit much, but to see them all together? I bet that hike and all those cameras were worth it. Yes, it was still really really fast and I hope that all the folks on the show had more time to let the experience process a bit. The mother, Sandy, looked like she was just overwhelmed and in shock. I so felt for her.
Finding My Family
Reading in between the staged heart pullings and gentle script; there was some honest reality in Find My Family. There is one scene, under the stupid Family Tree, when the biological Dad speaks of seeing all four of his children together for the first time that really got to me because I KNOW exactly what he is talking about: My Most Treasured Photo of Adoption.
Happy Ending Adoption Story
Not having ever lived it, I had a hard time swallowing the whole big happy family reunion in the end, but that’s is truly due to it not being something of my reality. Truth be told, if things had gone in that direction with my reunion with Max and his adoptive family had wanted to meet me ever; I would have been gracious and said lovely things. If I knew I had ABC’s camera’s on me and was representing the hopes and prayers of birth families everywhere shedding the stigma of evil birthparent pasts; I might say real cheesy things that would cause that barf reaction.
Bottom line; people love cheese.
Twittering While Watching Find My Family
I like to search on Twitter to see what other people are saying about the TV show I am watching. Especially when I watch something alone, I like the interaction. It’s also known as “crowd sourcing”; which is a fancy SMM marketing term meaning “seeing what the hell people think about something”. Find My Family has appeal with it’s glossy heartwarming packaging; I am very curious as to what folks are saying.
Find My Family Equals Cry Your Face Off
Five minutes into the show, and Twitter was reporting mass tear jerker reaction. It didn’t seem to matter if the Tweeter was adoption affected or not, in fact, I am thinking that most of the reactions came from “normal” folks and truthfully, that’s even better. These are just a quick sample of the crowd sourced results:
Now it just so happened that the last Tweet I copied over here came from our own Adoptee Comic Linda Gambino, but you will notice she is re-tweeting me.
And that’s what I want you to try to take away from this new show. I honestly hope that it does well and stays on the air because if it does, and it portrays adoption searches and reunions in a continual positive light, and it is respectful and loving, albeit in a make me cringe a bit way, then what we have is a mass media vehicle that can have the power to make middle America sympathetic to the idea of adoption reunions.
That in turn means Public Support of Adoption OBC Access.
So, instead of discussing and saying how the show is a cheese filled tissue fest; explain what else should be included in the show. Instead of passing a barf bucket, take the time and write ABC and tell them. You can Email ABC here, but you only get 500 characters, so the snail mail method will hold more punch because we can actually explain how they have dropped the ball.
Contact ABC’S Find My Family
Let’s let them know that ABC has an obligation to educated America about the denied rights of adult adoptees in this country and that ALL adoptees a have the rights to know their identity if they so desire., not just the ones with the best filled out applications.
Find My Family
5419 Hollywood Blvd. Suite C-809
Hollywood, CA
90027
And even if ABC refuses to listed and add a bit more truth into the repeatable plot line; there will be people who watch the show and learn to love and accept the idea of adoption reunions.
Hopefully, it won’t trigger a new batch of kool-aid drinking birthmothers who think that relinquishment is all glamorous and cool..since they don’t show the 16 – 18- 23- 29-35-40 years of hell that is the adoption separation.
If any one finds a better contact for either host or the show, please share.
Thanks!
love that you were live tweeting the show. thanks for posting this review. I missed it but hope to catch it next time.
I just wrote about it too Claud…I really wish I hadn’t watched though.
::hugs::
i think this show is a HUGE step for adoption awareness… can’t be disappointed that they did not explicitly mention the birth certificate laws – the fact that it was shown so straight up as an introduction to the general public, esp. the way they did it was very powerful. literally wiped tanya off… more like whited out tanya out. this is all brand new to 99% of the population – so great they included it.
i think they picked an “easy” reunion first – nothing too “messy” to introduce the show, i wonder if there is more backstory online. tanya/jenny was clearly in shock and not really feeling it all yet.
there were some super crystalizing statements sprinkled throughout the show – he even opened with the statement that every adoptee would not be complete without knowing their parents.
and despite all the staging you could really really see the pain in the eyes of the birth mom and dad. their pain, their shame, they wore it all there — that easily broke through the cheese.
i cried the whole time – and yes, when the dad said he was so moved bc his family was all together for the first time i of course thought of your wedding day
kt
ps. the tree was stupid – they lived 8 miles away from each other – buddha knows how far away they brought them to do that
I hope hope hope that it all didn’t go down as quickly as they made it look. I thought the adoptee looked shell shocked at the family reunion.
One of the hopes I have for this show is that my extended family watches and better begins to understand that birthparents are just regular people, they feel tremendous pain and pressure to make the “right” decision, and that it IS good for my son NOT to have to wonder, worry, wait, and figure it out as an adult because we have an open and ongoing relationship with his family.
Thanks for visiting and commenting from a different perspective on my blog.
We also watched the program last night and discussed how we will feel if our daughter wants to meet her birth mom. I would hope we would be supportive and understanding…that is what we plan to be.
What is different is that we kept her original birth certificate. We have stayed also stayed in contact with her birthmom. There will be no long dramatic search, we know exactly where her birthmom is…freshman in college, with honors to be exact. She is an amazing young woman who made the decision to give her child life and place in our home despite tremendous pressure to abort.
Someday when they meet again my daughter will have every right to be very proud of her.
I’m going to go peek at the rest of your blog…again thanks for letting me seeing adoption through a different set of lenses. Kim
Thanks for posting this. I had posted on my Facebook & Twitter page about this show and thought the response was interesting, but I’ll post the link to this blog as well, since you have a really unique view on the whole thing. You’re also a darn good writer.
Dawn Davenport
Creating a Family
I agree with the sensationalism that was a part of the show and that in half an hour you can’t possibly show the true journey that is a part of adoption reunion.
I clicked on to it after the first few minutes so I missed the part of the birth certificate but I am hopeful as well that this might be a catalyst to more openess into adoptees and their rights to their OBCs. I don’t know if ABC will listen but I will definitely send them my opinion on addressing that issue.
I hadn’t planned on watching this show because I am another who finds myself either crying like a baby or screaming at the television in anger. But I was drawn to watch it because of O Solo Mama’s blog post exposing the fact some adoptive parents see this as a threat and have already decided this show is equal to anti-adoption because of it’s emphasis on the importance an adoptee feels with reuniting with their first family.
After watching it and crying like a blubbering baby through most of it, on that end I will have to say I see, outside of the typical sensationlism for these kind of shows, something that did give an insight to the true and raw feelings of those who aren’t usually given voice in adoption – the first families and the adoptees who search. There was very little mentioned about the aparents and it was clear this what not their story nor was it all about the side usually seen with all the smiles and celebration. This was more about the loss and the grief that doesn’t usually find a voice. So on that end, I see some good coming out of this though I do hope there is more about the situations that left these women no other choice but to give up their child and the awareness that the adoptees are denied their basic human rights because of adoption.
Sorry, for rambling on but thanks for the great review of the show, Claud.
Enjoyed your review of the show. Glad to hear it’s being received well by so many people. I do hope it makes it and can make a difference in so many parts of adoption.
I’m an adoptive mom in an open adoption and I was crying as soon as the show started. What touched me the most I think was hearing the birthmom share the pain she went through for 29 years. I guess my hope of that is that more people will realize how important open adoption is for everyone involved.
Hey all,
I don’t know if I can do it again, but I am glad I finially watched some adoption thing so I actually could speak opf it. It’s hard to explain why Juno sucks all the time, when I never saw the dern movie! The host, being an author, has a website, but is closed for comments/contact right now. I also found one of the producers on linkedIn, but I doubt that method of contact will prove fruitful.
As with all things adoption, I can only continue to hope to see things move in a positive direction. Please God in my lifetime, there are only a few things I would like to see…until then, I think we all in agree that the show glosses over a lot, but carries some power.
I do appreciate that true open adoption can mitigate many of the issues that are opresent in a closed situation; I just wish that the adoption industry did a more accuarate job of describiong the true facts, alas back to the issue of informed choice.
I agree with my IRL firend KT, it is huge. Even if people are about Find My Family in unfavorable or offened termd, at least people are talkign about adoption! I have been running all over the web for two days about the show; It’s exhasuting!!
Kim: Glad you made it over!
Dawn: Thank you!
Cassie: always open to ranting and rambling here!
and to all.. it heartenes me to hear the agreemnts 🙂
I just wrote my letter to “Find My Family”. It’s going in the mail tomorrow. If they continue to gloss over the subject of sealed OBC’s I’m willing to bet that they are being paid off by the “industry”. I’m surprised there haven’t been adoption commercials in between segments yet.
Hi Faux, as you know I had the same reaction over at firstmotherforum…no matter how cheesy the presentation, it gets across the message: giving up ain’t over when a mother signs the papers. It is hard for some to watch the show but everything likes this is good for the push for open records for adoptees. Now I’d like to see that extended to us first/birth mothers too. Yeah, I know that is outright heresy but I did not have the option to decide whether or not I wanted to know her; it was the wall of endless anonymity or nothing.
thanks for posting the tweets!
lorraine
http://www.firstmotherforum.com
Hi Faux,
I blogged earlier today about the mass media and reunion and termed shows like “Find My Family” reunion porn. Believe me, I don’t belittle the emotions the families on these shows go through, but I have little love for the producers. I don’t think that these shows miss an opportunity to educate people about adoption realities, I think they avoid the politics of adoption like the plague.
So it’s a mixed bag. Like you I wouldn’t try very hard to dissuade anyone from appearing on the show if it meant they could reunite with their family.
And yeah, Tim Greene is a reunited adoptee. He published a search memoir about ten years ago, “A Man and His Mother”. He was a member of the Atlanta Falcons at the time and had the head of Falcon security, an ex-FBI agent, conduct the search. Needless to say sealed records weren’t an issue for him. I don’t recall if he even mentioned them… He did go out of his way to rationalize why he didn’t help his adopted brother search for his family in a way that creeped me out. Green was an over-achieving people-pleasing adoptee, his brother was the dope-smoking rebel. Green decided that his brother didn’t deserve to reunite and refused to help him.
Umm guys.. it’s Claud.. not Faux. I have long given up on the dern E that everyone wants to put at the end of my name, but let’s at least try a tiny bit OK? Thanks!!
LOL.. “Reunion Porn”..I got to remember that! It is a great descriptive term for what IS wrong with these kinds of shows.. plus it’s unreaslitic, makes it look easy, etc, etc, etc..
Oh no.. not a druggie adoptee! Hmm.. so if pot became legal then would the brother “deserve” a reunion?? Or maybe the poor birthmother whould still need to be protected? Good thing Tom’s Looking out for her! Whew!
Write to:
Tom Forman
Executive Producer, Find My Family
c/o RelativityREAL
8899 Beverly Blvd # 401
Los Angeles, CA 90048-2431
or call Tom at (310) 270-4724
OH YOU ROCK!!!
Love you Elena!!
Here’s an adoptees perspective:
http://abc.go.com/shows/find-my-family/discuss?cat=334979&tid=760099&tsn=1
Should ABC also point out that these issues arise from closed adoption- and with the event of open adoption, their show is off the market? Oh, um I guess that won’t happen any time soon.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I really enjoyed reading how it affected you and your story. I hope that people who watch it are able to understand that not everything is always what it seems. Thank you for this.